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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

66 replies

kimberlina · 14/10/2012 21:26

DD is 2 soon and I've organised a little party for her which is basically just a few friends and their Mums running around and having party food in the church hall.

I have also invited my parents and in-laws. My parents will definitely come as they really enjoy grandchild stuff (PFB). I would be delighted if in-laws came too but am not sure if they'll bother as it is a 1hr drive for them.

DH has never liked with my parents and had a huge blow-up at them in Jan and has never spoken or communicated with them since. I have gently tried to at least heal the rift (I accept he will never be mates with them). My parents have tried on several occasions to get DH to discuss the problem or even just come round for a meal but he point blank refuses.

Anyway DH is now refusing to come to the party if they are there. I think he should just behave like an adult for 2hrs of one day and be polite and then if he needs can go back to ignoring them.

He says I am 'excluding him from his own daughter's party'. I think that actually he is excluding himself as I'm sure they can all be in the same room and tolerate each other for 2hrs. I'm happy to not invite my parents back to our house afterwards so there is a definite end time for him.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I ask my parents not to come? I just don't see why DD should miss out on having her GPs there although it is now clear her Dad won't be there if they do come.

Please give me honest answers.....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/10/2012 22:00

I think you need to stand up to him, you are not having a huge amount of contact with your parents and both you and they are being sensitive to his need for privacy etc etc.

He is the one with the issue, he is being unreasonable he either needs to get over it or get out tbh.

sorry very judgemental of me but he doesn't seem to nurture relationships with anyone from what you've said?

panicnotanymore · 14/10/2012 22:01

I'm usually the one who jumps to the defence of the H in these threads, as some women do have overly interfering mothers - but you do not. Your H is being completely unreasonable, controlling and frankly weird.

Invite everyone, and if he won't go, well shame on him.

pictish · 14/10/2012 22:03

If you back down on this one, you'll never be 'allowed' to invite your parents to anything ever again.

Again, he is trying to isolate you from your parents. If he gets his way over this, he will be that good bit closer to succeeding.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/10/2012 22:08

If (well when cos I'm not backing down on this) I stand up to him he usually says 'Do whatever you think - I don't care any more' and then flounces off but then chip chip chips to try to get his own way. If he doesn't get his own way then he sulks like a little boy. So he's quite pleasant this evening as I've not mentioned The Party. But the next time I say something about it - not 'are you coming' but just something like 'I've going to do this as a birthday cake' then sulky boy will return

His relationship with his parents is weird. I wouldn't say it was bad. When we do see them then they get on well, lots of laughter and chat, catch up on the previous few months and then disappear into the wildnerness again. So just odd...

I'm not really chipper. Have cried plenty over this and other issues but have now grown a thick skin

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 14/10/2012 22:09

I think you need to seize this opportunity to make it quite clear that you will simply not put up with this kind of crap. People like this have a way of pushing at your boundaries until you shift them and they get things just the way they like them. You actually sound like you have pretty strong boundaries, you certainly are recognising and feeling uncomfortable with certain traits of his and perhaps your parents helped with this? Good upbringing etc.

Your stance at the moment is exactly right. HE is excluding himself from the party NOT you or your parents. I suspect though that if you continue to hold your ground and he DOESN'T attend this will be held against you and brought up at regular intervals in unrelated arguments.

Sorry I know he's your dh but he sounds like an arse.

pictish · 14/10/2012 22:11

Have cried plenty over this and other issues but have now grown a thick skin

That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. That's not good is it? He sounds like a bully.
Is he a bully?

akaemmafrost · 14/10/2012 22:13

I notice he hates your Mum in particular. My ex hated my Dad. Even when my Dad was really ill he couldn't be kind about him. I bet your Mum doesn't put up with his shit is his problem with her!

Oh and I would be speaking to your parents whenever you or they want, get THAT right back on track, stop pandering to sulky chops.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/10/2012 22:13

No I think our marriage is not good. Certainly when I look from the outside at others then I wonder whether the grass is greener or just appears that way

OP posts:
apprenticeboy · 14/10/2012 22:14

He is being a tosser and has self exluded himself.

In this situation I would keep a plastered smile on my face and carry on tbh.

If he gets more wound up I would just keep saying 'It's not about you darling! It's DD's birthday and she wants everyone there!!'

Please don't back down. It will do untold damage between you and your family and you will never now when you will need them.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/10/2012 22:15

Emmafrost - think you're probably right Sad

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 14/10/2012 22:16

I agree he sounds like a complete twat. Red flags waving for me.

Stand your ground, get through the party, and then take a good hard look at your relationship...

pictish · 14/10/2012 22:16

I also advise speaking to your mum on the phone whenever the fuck you like. It's fuck all to do with him.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 22:17

He sounds like a nightmare really. The sulking is a form of EA. It would seriously drive me crazy. Hes an adult acting like a child.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 14/10/2012 22:20

Agree with all the rest. He is being unreasonable and controlling. Expecting you to only speak to your parents 2/3 times a year, when you have a good relationship with them, is just not on (of course for all the folks with toxic parents it's different, but that's not you, is it?) I phone mine twice a week. I know people who phone once a week, I also know people who phone every day! There is a continuum but it sounds like he is trying to whittle away at the relationship you do have with them. It would not surprise me to find there has been a lot of unpleasantness in his family in the past that is now being hidden under the facade of brittle politeness a few times a year.

I would be thinking seriously about the future of this marriage. You should be working as a team to support each other - life is hard with young kids. Do you feel you are a team and support each other, or are you always being worn down to do things his way and not upset him? When does he compromise?

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 14/10/2012 22:21

Oh yes, and what pictish says above. My DH speaks to his family on the phone less often than I do, but would never try to tell me that my way is wrong or get me to speak to them less often.

EmbroideredCloths · 14/10/2012 22:23

How very odd.
Of course my values have nothing to do with yours but I would not tolerate any man dictating what my relationship with my parents ought to be.
As far as I'm concerned, my parents have an inviolable right to a place in my life. DH has no business trying to curtail that (and would never dream of doing so).
For the record, my dad and DH don't really get on (personality clash). But so what? Blood ties don't get erased over things like that.
OP, whatever you decide in this instance, you set a precedent. Be careful in your choices.

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/10/2012 22:27

I do now phone when I feel like it. Am embarassed to admit at one point I would phone from work before coming home or hide in the bedroom when he was watching telly.

This is why my relationship now 'feels' worse. Because he is not always getting his own way.

If I'm honest I do feel worn down.

But think he would say that I'm a nag, obsessed with cleaning (which I'm not - wiping down the kitchen work tops once a day is normal), interestingly says my mum is controlling of me, that I like to get my own way (just the last few months since I actually say what I think). It's not good is it?

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/10/2012 22:32

No. Im sorry but it doesnt sound good at all. :(

pictish · 14/10/2012 22:40

No it isn't. I'm so sorry.

When he says that you like to get your own way, and that your mum is controlling, he is projecting his own flaws onto you.

apprenticeboy · 14/10/2012 22:44

Hang on!!

Say it's a Tuesday evening and you feel like giving mum a ring. What next?

In our house I have to say DH isn't my mum's biggest fan for reasons I can understand but I pick up the phone and chat and later say 'mum said..... and dad says hello and my sister blah blah blah.....' and he will pay an interest and that is that.

What happens at your crib if you do that?

Wheresthedamndog · 14/10/2012 22:45

Bigger issues here but....

...for the party: very important not to back down. The way to tackle sulking is to ignore it. Try to detach a bit emotionally if you can - not easy; don't give in to the emotional blackmail - he is excluding himself; take pleasure in your dds party and having her GPS there; and let your DH make his own decision about whether he attends or not.

Frankly, if he can't get over himself and attend his own daughter's party because of some imagined slight from your parents....how does that make him look? (Apart from about ten?)

Others have given great advice on the wider issues...not good I am afraid. Wishing you good luck op.

apprenticeboy · 14/10/2012 22:47

sorry bit of a x post. I had the page open for ages before posting.
However do you feel comfortable picking up the phone and talking day to day crap about nothing like most people do in front of your DH.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 14/10/2012 22:48

Yes, massive projection on his part of his own bad qualities.

Going back to your earlier post saying that he wouldn't believe you had 'chosen' him without you cutting down speaking to them to 2/3 times a year... I doubt even if you did this it would be enough. Then it would be something else you would need to stop doing, cut yourself off from etc.

Do you have just the one child with him?

Original poster
kimberlina · 14/10/2012 22:53

yes just one child.

If i said I'm going to phone my mum now he would huff and tut but wouldn't physically stop me but would not let me tell him any news resulting from the phone call and would ignore me for 30 mins or so after I cam back into the room.

I never really phone people in front of him, mostly because he will have the telly on and would get annoyed I was talking over him

OP posts:
ThompsonTwins · 14/10/2012 22:55

It is a party for your daughter, who would want her father and her grandparents to be there. For her sake he should man up, be polite to them and join in. The day is not about him.