My daughter hates my guts ... i don't know what to do now

[cheapfrills]

I've been a serial lurker, please be gentle .... this is my first post
..

My daughter, 12 years old, says she hates me. This has been going on for a good while (especially since she started secondary school - in her 2nd year now). She tells me and her dad that she hates my guts, and of all the girls he has had he choses me. she has said that she wishes i wasn't here, she can't see why i'm here, she can't see the point with me, and she has told me that she hates me.

i got my usual tirade from her this morning, this afternoon, this evening (twice [or was it 3 thrice]...) i really felt if i wasn't holding on to the car door i would have ended up throttling her.

I've now got to the stage where i've really, REALLY have had enough of her insolence . WTAF do i go from here.

i'm at my wits end now - do i stay or should i go (i go back to my mother's or my DS and just let DD and DH get on with it and live happily ever after).

i've had enough now - what do i do - i really want to cry

I'm sure she doesn't mean it. Girls her age are often total drama queens.
How do you react when she says this?
How does your DH react?
What's happening before she says it?
How is she getting on at school?

Can't really help all that much, but just wanted to say how sorry I am. I don't blame you wanting to cry.

My 12yo dd is reacting badly to my separation from dh and looks at me sometimes with real dislike in her eyes, and sometimes - almost worse - just expressionless shark's eyes. This is my little girl who was so affectionate, kind and respectful to me.

Dh isn't getting any of this, that I can see.

I don't know how much of it is our split (which I instigated, but only after years of misery and passive-agression on dh's part) and how much of it is just life stage and hormones.

Like you, I feel very hurt and at a loss what to do. Trying to get to the bottom of it only makes me the villain. My dd has just started secondary school and this seems to have triggered it. I'm hoping it's a combination of hormones and being in a new environment and that it will settle down in time, particularly when dh and I have actually separated (still living under same roof, but all is in process).

Sorry this is happening and if you find a solution, please let me know. I hope you get some responses from people with more experience. Will watch this thread with interest and hope that you get some useful advice.x

Cheap, 12 year old girls can be somewhat nasty. I have three girls, including a 14 year old. Her emotions run very high, one moment she adores me, and wants to cuddle and chat, the next moment, she is screaming that I am ruining her life. I believe that changing hormones are partly to blame. I also know how bad I feel when she is treating me like shit. We had a couple of sessions with a family therapist to work out some of the issues. It seemed to help. She also sees a councilor when she starts feeling overwhelmed.

I would talk to the school/gp/anyone else you can think of and ask for help. The school nurse was excellent when a friend's dd was going through a similar phase.

You need to have a talk with yourself and stop this leaving nonsense-this is tough, but your dd needs you however much of a monster she's being.

I hope your dh is being supportive.

OP what does your DH say when she has these tantrums? Does she do it in front of him? He needs to be telling her not to treat her mother like this and you both need to be telling her her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

My 14YO DD was very difficult a few years ago and DH and I had battles galore with her. We were both equally strict and we put in various penalties for if she didn't do as we'd asked.

To be honest it was a pretty miserable two years (especially at weekends, week days seemed to go better). However things are much better now and it seems to have paid off.

Good luck, teenage girls can be an absolute nightmare.

I said all this and a lot worse to my mum when I was a teenager (and she had PND)

My parents were still together, nothing had happened it was just hormones.

I can just say from my experience even when I was screaming I hated her I never wanted her to leave.

As soon as I moved out I started talking to my mum like a normal person and am now really close to her.

hi choccaluvva (smart name BTW .
i don't usually react - i just ignore it ... i give her her a 'thats nice, dear'. I have also ignored her behaviour, she gets angry - then she storms off and cries occasionally.
in the past DH has fallen out with me for me being too soft with her, and is quick to blame me for her misbehaviour .. which has led (in the past) to a fall out between me and him ... NOW, he is trying to 'help out' by telling her to respect me ... blah, blah.

She says she's getting on ok at school (as she had told DH, but NOT me ) - at the moment my heart is breaking - she's being very indifferent and calm.

Who do you kick out at when you are frightened or angry?

The people you trust the most to love you and always be there for you, the ones that you know will rescue you and keep you safe. The ones that you know will forgive you.

She feels safe venting at you because she knows that you love her and will never abandon her. She doesn't hate you, she hates something, and she is taking that out on you.

Normally I would say that you have to ride it out, but given that you are thinking of leaving I would say that family counselling would be a good step. It would help you to deal with her effectively and help her to realise how her behaviour is making you feel.

Take care xxx

Sorry to be short + Sharp but posting by phone,

I hate to be blunt when you are obviously upset + stugglibg, but you really do need to "Mum up" your the parent here & it sounds like you are being too soft with letting her get away with this sort of behaviour, I suspect there may be more to it than just hormones + she's bottling it up + using you as a punch bag for her frustrations, the more you let het do that, the less likely she is to open up + be honest with you about whats really hurting her + making her so angry, your her punch bag because its YOU she feels safest with, you that she needs the most, so all this talk of running away is awful, your her mum, no one said it was going to be any easy ride :(

My own DD is a bit younger, though old for her years, I've had this behaviour from her too, but I stood my ground + calmly took no crap, she eventually broke down + cried like a baby -

she was being bullied, but by her friends, at least 1 of them was bullying the others into ostracising her, she went off to find new friends + she was hounded, it broke her heart as she had fallen out with the ring leader because she had stood up + refused to join in the bitching + bullying of others.

Senior school is a minefield of this sort of stuff, so I'd lay bets your DD is struggling, feels hopeless, hurt + angry, but too ashamed + confused + afraid of making things worse to speak out:( she needs her mum more than ever right now + you need to be a strong parent to front it out + get her to feel safe enough to open up.

not saying its easy when they are speaking to you like shit on thirty shoes, but it goes with the job.

go take deep breath + meet her head on, showing your strength will help her to feel safe incthis very confusing time - Good luck

Xpost bogey :)

Excuse typos, phone has mind of its own

my thought, too, is 'what's behind it?' do any of her relationships, including with your dh, need more investigation?

if her life is fairly reasonable, tell her straight. she's rude, hurtful and she needs to shape up. she can have counselling if she wants - assuming you can access it - but she has to be polite. 'everyone loves everyone else in this family'. she can think what she wants, but on the surface she has to be polite.

Talk with her, take her out for lunch, just you two. Listen to her and tell her too how you feel. You need to start doing something different.

Counselling is a great idea also- through school or local organization. Try families information link website- you'll have a local one with info about all services for children and families in your area. Good luck

Is this your natural daughter? Not a step-daughter? Does she realise that if her Dad had chosen one of those 'other girls' he had, she wouldn't exist?

To me this all sounds like a massive attention-seeking exercise. So you're doing the right thing to ignore the behaviour in the short-term. Obviously, you've pulled privileges like TV, games, mobile phone, sleepovers?..... But, long-term, I think you need to find ways to encourage good behaviour rather than being on the wrong end of so many tantrums.

In all honesty, I agree with your dh to some degree. Ignoring it isn't working.
She has lots of hormones and weird feelings (not that she is weird but its a difficult time) and when she is wanting to lash out she does as you because you don't react.
She needs to be told bow hurtful and disrespectful she is. She needs to know her behaviour is not acceptable.

Interesting as my nearly 12 year old is suddenly rude and angry. doesn't actually say such hurtful things but behaves as though she hates me, shies away from any affection, jumps away as though i have the lurgy! I've tried to take her out alone and chat but she won't talk, just sits there or gets the hump. She seems to be getting on well at secondary and says she has no problems there, who knows though. She's charming and great company for everyone else .

Good luck OP, very stressful and i hope you get to the bottom of it, def don't walk out though, she does need you even though it doesn't seem like it.

Girls are not nice creatures - I can say that having been one once. Hormones are raging madly, body changes, it's all quite afwul to deal with all at once.

All you can do is keep the boundaries, keep on with the 'yes dears' and try very hard not to let her get a rise out of you (easier said then done) and one day, out of the blue a lovely young woman will emerge and things will be back the way they were when she was 7.

I've just gone through similar with DS1, frankly Y8 to Y13 have been absolute hell and if I could have rehomed him, I would have done

Do you ever get any quality time alone with her? A trip shopping, the cinema, just a burger out somewhere? When my DD was similarly hideous, that sort of thing saved my sanity - I at least had recent memories of nice times, which helped me through the shite times. And she learned I wasn't always an evil witch. I think if you can try and do fun stuff alone together it's really worth the effort.

Have you tried telling her (calmly) how she is upsetting you?

I used to be NASTY to my mum, tell her I hated her and all that. Then one day she just stood there while I yelled at her, quiet. She caught my eye and I will never ever forget the look of sheer sadness and hurt. It made me feel like the worst person ever, and 23 years on, I still apologise.

I have to say that if my dd talked to me like that she would not be getting lifts anywhere, or other privileges.

When she is calm, have a chat with her about her attitude and language. Tell her that when she shouts at you, you will not listen to her. If she is rude or physically or verbally abusive to you, you will withdraw a privilege until she apologises.

When she starts, don't sit there and take it! Walk out of the room, out of the house if necessary. Pull the car over, get out and walk away from her. Show her that you will not listen to abuse.

But also tell her that you understand that she gets angry and that's ok. All of her feelings are natural and normal and there are other, more appropriate, ways to express them. Tell her you are always ready to listen to her if she wants to talk.

I think you could also reassure her that you are not going anywhere, that you love her even when she is being her nastiest, that you will always love her.

When my dd went through a phase like this (they all do I think) this is what I did and it did not last long. I tell my children 'There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you'. I also tell them that I can always help, whatever the problem, I can always help, I might not be able to solve it but I am much, much older and I know how to find the right sort of help.

If you act confident even if you don't feel it, your dd will have faith in you and your ability to take charge.

I believe this is totally normal. Did this myself.

But, my advice is a little different. I would not respond with a yes dear. I remember this from her point of view. I think she wants you to reassure her that you love her. She's going about it in a horrible, destructive, immature way but I believe she is turning up the heat to get a reaction.

I know a friend of mine's mum used to coolly respond 'well that's a shame because I love you', which I was really jealous of. My mum would blank me or change the subject or tut. Which I understand now, but at the time confirmed what I suspected; that I wasn't worth responding to.

Take her out for some time just the two of you often and tell her you love her every day. I think that's what she really wants, but she's twelve and has no idea how to ask for it.

It sounds like she is lashing out. Are you sure she isn't being bullied. I'd be surprised if there wasn't something else going on to make her so angry

I would say something like, "That's not a very nice thing to say - I'm sure you don't really mean it - I'd be sad if you really did. Now, what's upsetting you so much it's making you say such a horrible thing?"
She might shout that she does mean it etc, but she'll have heard you and be reassured that you are affected by what she says (because you love her), but also that you're strong enough to set her boundaries and that you want to help her.
The next time, say something like, "Now come on, you know that's not nice - what's making you feel so angry?"
IME most teenagers drive most parents to distraction. You're not alone.

There is no way on earth a child of mine would be geting any priviledges AT ALL if s/he poke to me like that.

Confused and unhappy she may be, but thats abusive and totally unacceptable.

Draw a line, no pocket money. no phone, no lifts, no friends round, no TV no computer; nothing till she can behave herself.

would you put up with this from a friend ? your husband ? when why is it ok from your child ?

She is going through alot of changes at school and in life. She is learning to stand up for herself t school. She is indirectly surely wanting you to set her an example, by standing up for yourself from her. You really need to do this, to show her how its done, if nothing else. It is just an extreme form of boundary testing. Also, she cant repsect you because you are showing that you respect yourself.

Also, 'that's nice dear' is sarky and patronisiing really. Far better to tell her to stop being rude and abusive and, if necessary, set a consequence if she wont. nd, most critically, stick to it.