My daughter hates my guts ... i don't know what to do now

[cheapfrills]

I've been a serial lurker, please be gentle .... this is my first post
..

My daughter, 12 years old, says she hates me. This has been going on for a good while (especially since she started secondary school - in her 2nd year now). She tells me and her dad that she hates my guts, and of all the girls he has had he choses me. she has said that she wishes i wasn't here, she can't see why i'm here, she can't see the point with me, and she has told me that she hates me.

i got my usual tirade from her this morning, this afternoon, this evening (twice [or was it 3 thrice]...) i really felt if i wasn't holding on to the car door i would have ended up throttling her.

I've now got to the stage where i've really, REALLY have had enough of her insolence . WTAF do i go from here.

i'm at my wits end now - do i stay or should i go (i go back to my mother's or my DS and just let DD and DH get on with it and live happily ever after).

i've had enough now - what do i do - i really want to cry

Have you asked her, when she's calm, why she says these things?

I too think you need to provide her with some concrete boundaries whilst she is going through this emotional roller-coaster.

When I was a teen and acting out with my mum, whenever I went to far I would feel her switch on and put me in my place. Grounded - told off etc. I actually felt relieved when this happened. When she ignored me with 'thats nice dear' I felt completely adrift.

I think its really important for you to be consistent about some of the important things, for her own self esteem. If any of my children go to far with how they address me, they know and sanctions come in. But they also know that I love them too much to let them get lost in anger. I think you feel you are being patient, which is a nice quality, but sometimes that isn't enough.

It is super hard.

Aww OP this reminds me of what I put my mother through when I was about 15, I was a furious mess, so so angry but went for hurting the person who loves me the most instead of stereotypical door slamming etc. (I had been abused as a toddler, not by my mother, that's why I was angry)
Her anger could have a reason such as school etc. Or it could 'just' be rampaging hormones.

Good advice from other posters but I suggest instead of 'yes dear' you say 'comments like that really hurt me'
'it makes me really sad to hear you say things like that'

She probably will say 'yeah well YOU make ME sad!!!' but seeing your mother welling up with tears as a result of your horrible behaviour is not something easily forgotten. She should be aware of how her words make others feel and punished, which will make her angrier but teaches her actions have consequences.

Good luck, you will get your daughter back once the hormones have calmed a bit.

You say OP, in your opening post, that you are considering leaving home and going to your mum's or your DSs? So I take it you have an older son who lives away from the family home? And you say that you would then let DD and your husband 'get on with it and live happily ever after'. No, No, a thousand times no....you get strong lady!

I don't like the fact that this young lady tells you, her mother, that your husband (her dad) should have picked any one of all the other girls he's had! WTF? How on earth does a daughter, a 12 year old, know about 'all the other girls' her father's had?? Has he told her this? Have you?

There is a huge lack of respect here, for you, mum, from this girl. Hormones, etc aside, you need to let her know: that you will not be spoken to like this again. That if she does this, you will ignore her, and walk away. That you will not leave YOUR home, but that she will lose her phone/lap top/whatever for a day or two (you decide) if she speaks like it again.

You tell H that you expect his total co-operation and support with this.

You also tell her that you love her dearly, and feel that there is more to all this anger so when she rages, ignore the words (directed at you) and target the rage: say, 'you sound so angry, why are you so angry?' if she makes it personal, about you, then walk away. And repeat.

Also, tell her that the last few months have been hell at home, and things are changing, and it will be positive, but that she will be taken to see her GP to discuss the impact of her behaviour, and to refer her/you/the whole family for counselling. This will make her realise that things are unacceptable, and she will get the support she may need.

Tell her that you intend to talk to her Head of Year, Pastoral supporter or whatever they have at her high school, so that they are aware of her behaviour, and support her. This school involvement will hopefully uncover any bullying issues (believe me, they've heard it all before, and know what to look for). It could well be that she's being bullied, so is bullying you - still, it's unacceptable.

Things won't change unless you change how you handle this. You're the parent, you take control - reinforce your love for her, tell her that her behaviour has to stop, because it's incredibly painful for you. Tell her you're not going anywhere - and that you will access as much outside support for her as possible. And do just that.

And in the meantime, stick a cheery smile on your face, and let her see that you are ok, and her words don't hurt you. This takes enormous effort, but fake it as best you can.

Good luck
Saffysmum (4 teenage kids 'been there, got the T-shirt' to prove it).

Does your DH support you when your DD acts up? Because if he's not saying very firmly, "Don't speak to your mother like that," then he jolly well ought to be.

He also ought to do his share of disciplining - withdrawing privileges etc. You shouldn't have to be the bad cop all the time, while he gets to be good cop.

Your DD seems to be creating a little Dad and her scenario, which needs to be nipped in the bud. She's calling all the shots at the moment.

how does your H treat you?

Is she copying him?

If so, get yourself and ALL kids away from him asap.

Don't allow anyone to talk to you like this, you are worth better.

cogito - yep DD is my natural daughter. Both DH and me have pointed it out to her that she wouldn't exist if DH hadn't picked me - she still doesn't care. We've both withdrawn pocket money, treats but to no avail - she'd cut off her own nose to spite her face.
DH has two sons from his first marriage (much older than her and living away from home) so in effect she is an only child.

choccoluvva - i've tried the "that's not a nice thing to say" and have asked her if she is aware of how hurtful she is being - she just screams that she doesn't care .
DH is (now) backing me up more when she goes "off on one" - albeit he hasn't in the past. I have had a word with him and have pointed out to him that when he is stressed, etc. he should sometimes watch what he says to me/how he says it as that seems to feed her 'habit'.
i must point out that i do have a medical condition (thyroid related) and there are times when i just can NOT face her and her tantrums/moods - hence the ignoring and "that's nice, dear". i used to react, but i used to come away feeling terrible.
i know the suggestion that i want to leave home is a bit futile - that was how i felt this morning - i didn't really mean it ... - i should 'mum up' (as suggested by Rockin), and not let a 12 year old (nearly 13) get the better of me.
Thank you all for your advice - it was all very helpful - and has given me a (much needed) kick in the butt. i think i'll go get myself a now

I think it's hard for anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand how awful it is to be so disliked by your own child and how impotent you feel when you're trying to control the situation.

While I don't think you should leave home (tempting though that is!) it wouldn't do any harm if you went away for the odd long weekend. You shouldn't have to put up with behaviour like that non stop.

When my daughter hurt me I found that if I appeared hurt she calmed down more quickly. I also withdrew a bit, not volunteering any information. She can't have it both ways, shrieking like a banshee and then you also including her in your world.

It does end - I've come out the other side. My daughter wasn't even that bad - never raised her voice and always did as she was told, but that feeling of being disliked takes a long, long time to go away.

I'm sure once her hormones settle all will be ok.

My brother had the same issues with his son about age 13. He used to say he didn't know whether to 'ground him or release him into the wild'

Hormones are bloody horrible - I feel for you, but all you can really do is 'hang in there' (and follow the great advice you've been given). I hope it gets better soon.

OP you mention that your daughter has older half brothers. Would she listen to them? I have a 12 year old half sister who I only see occasionally, and she definitely pays more attention to me then to my dad or step-mum.

Could you enlist your step-sons to have a word with her?

When I was 11/12 I hit out at my mum. She brought me up as a single parent (with help from her parents) and I was evil to her, knowing we only had each other. I told her I hoped she died, called her vile names, threw things, got right in her face swearing and shouting at her, heard her cry herself to sleep and I physically lashed out.
She had to call my gran or auntie to come get me and stay at theirs.
I'm still not really sure what kicked it off or made it stop, but 15 years later we are closer than anything. I honestly don't know how she got through it.

Not much advice really, but just wanted to say that people can and do get through it. Its not always something that lasts forever

i'm now upstairs having had another set-two with her. i chose to walk away instead of having a massive screaming match. what was it over ? .... she was being nice(ish) to me,and asked if i'd mind making pancakes - they weren't to her liking - she flounced off, muttering the word 'idiot' . i switched everything off and ditched what i was making for her - if she goes hungry tough she can make her own supper.

yep, this is not going to be an easy ride. i'll be telling DH when he gets home - he can have (yet another) word with her. she can be sweetness and light to everyone else as well. she can be a madam to DH at times too.

i'm just living for the day when she 'sees the light' and starts to be nice to me for more than 10 minutes. i've got a strong feeling i'm in for a long wait.

I entirely agree with what rockinhippy has posted. I wish you luck

I have a 15yo (nearly 16) DD. She has been like this in the past. I found if I just ignored her and did not really respond it made a big difference. I would just do the bare minimum and not include her in everything as I usually would. She then started to come to me and apologise. Don't get me wrong, I am only human and sometimes did shout back, but it really did no good (I knew that, but sometimes you can't help yourself). Things are much better now. We are talking together like proper human beings, albeit she still has her moments, but she is nowhere near as volatile as she used to be.

Consistency is the way to go. I did used to say "that's a shame, because I love you" when she told me she hated me. It did hurt, though, and when she was calm I did tell her how much it hurt because I felt she needed to know. The one rule I had was that I never, ever told her that I hated her because I knew she would never forget that.

I think sometimes "mum up" and sometimes withdraw. I know what you mean about finding it hard on occasion to have the strength to deal with her. It takes so much out of you.

So, cheap, according to my experience, things will get better (after about 3 years ).

Meant to add, DD did also have her times of being bullied, but did not tell us for some reason. We always had to drag it out of her. That has also stopped now. I don't know why she wouldn't tell as we always discuss our day over dinner as a family.

Ah, now "idiot" - I would absolutely not let go. I'd be following her to wherever she's flounced and demanding an apology.
Once I made my DD get out of the car after she claimed I never did anything to help her - while I was driving her specially to a shop to get things just for her at the drop of a hat. She now regularly thanks me for giving her lifts - honestly.

I think your DD has to see you annoyed with her poor behaviour towards you because you too have the right to be treated with respect from everybody, especially when you've done something nice for her that you needn't have done. Demonstrate to her that you respect yourself (even if she doesn't always). Nobody wants a doormat for a mum.
Don't back down when she's clearly in the wrong and you're being nice to her. It'll be worth it.

she flounced off, muttering the word 'idiot'.

I am absolutely at this. What did you do? I know what I would have done. Sorry, but I think this child needs a good slap. Sorry if that's not helpful. Maybe you could actually move out for a while. Maybe then she'd appreciate you more.

Your DH needs to step up. I was hideous to my mother at around age 13-14, hormonal stuff, lashing out at the person it felt safest to, etc. etc. I thought my dear old Dad was the bees' knees, and indeed he was a lot better at talking to me through the hormonal mist. I blamed my mother for EVERYTHING, every little 'stress' in my life and the household - at that age children just don't see everything that mothers do to make a house and a family keep ticking. Anyway, one day I actually remarked to my father that my mum was a 'bitch'. (Dying of shame recalling this.) He became absolutely furious and told me I was never to speak of her that way again. It registered, believe me!

I will also say that I think my mum was so hurt by all the bad behaviour that she just withdrew away from me. I think had she actually told me how hurtful I was being that I would have felt contrite. Not sure that 'That's nice dear' is the right approach for a preteen - for a toddler, yes, but preteens need more than that.

I wouldn't let "idiot" go either - in fact I didn't - DD was threatened with having her pants pulled down & her bum smacked & that DH would video it & put it on the internet for all to see - she knows me well enough to know I don't make idle threats ( she also doesn't know I can put it on youtube & lock it down so no-one can see it

The slap she could front out, the embarrassment fact was another matter & she's never done it again

DD was threatened with having her pants pulled down & her bum smacked & that DH would video it & put it on the internet for all to see.

What a great tactic! Must remember this for the future...

I do feel for you with your health problems cheapfrills & I know from my own similar problems that it does add another dimension to parenting as stress can affect me badly too, but I also know that being tough on her, hard as it can be short term, in the long term works far better as they don't push so hard & its less stress.

I do still worry though that the amount of anger your DD is expressing is more than just hormones - my own DD also insisted that there was nothing wrong at school or elsewhere - her attitude told me otherwise & eventually she broke down & spilled the beans - more recently she started the stroppy attitude again & insisted at first it was nothing - it then came out I was right & that this same friend had been bitching at her for being ill - Nothing like as bad as previously, but in DDs mind it was about to kick off again & she was deeply upset - she also owned up to being angry that I didn't "just KNOW" irrational, yes, but thats preteen girls for you.

It's finding a balance between sympathising with her problems and hormones/teenage brain and continuing to keep up some parental discipline - (which you must have practised when she was younger.) Although she's a bit older now she still NEEDS some disciplining - no matter what her difficulties are, some behaviour is unacceptable.
It's sooo difficult though..... I know because my DD stll has the capacity to make me furious/worried/upset and she's 16.

DD was threatened with having her pants pulled down & her bum smacked & that DH would video it & put it on the internet for all to see. brilliant, i love that one - thank you, Rockin.

i am trying to stamp down on the behaviour - there was a bit of a screaming matching between the three of us this morning ... the cause? because i had the audacity to request that she strips her bed and put the sheets in the washing basket, this led to a mega strop and some door slamming. she eventually gave in .

She was a bit nice to me after though - she saw a spider in the bathroom which she wanted me to dispose of - i appear to have inherited the job of spidercatcher in the household .

As I said upthread, I wouldnt tolerate it either and consequences ie withdraw privileges and lifts etc, are the way to go, imo.

Quite frankly though, threatening for the dad to video a pubescent girl being spanked with her pants down is really not on, and not at all funny.

Rockinh, I am sure you just to convey to her the message that you would make her feel foolish, childish and idiotic (fair enough), as she had done to you, but surely you can see that that particular threat could look sexually abusive, to some eyes.