My daughter hates my guts ... i don't know what to do now

[cheapfrills]

I've been a serial lurker, please be gentle .... this is my first post
..

My daughter, 12 years old, says she hates me. This has been going on for a good while (especially since she started secondary school - in her 2nd year now). She tells me and her dad that she hates my guts, and of all the girls he has had he choses me. she has said that she wishes i wasn't here, she can't see why i'm here, she can't see the point with me, and she has told me that she hates me.

i got my usual tirade from her this morning, this afternoon, this evening (twice [or was it 3 thrice]...) i really felt if i wasn't holding on to the car door i would have ended up throttling her.

I've now got to the stage where i've really, REALLY have had enough of her insolence . WTAF do i go from here.

i'm at my wits end now - do i stay or should i go (i go back to my mother's or my DS and just let DD and DH get on with it and live happily ever after).

i've had enough now - what do i do - i really want to cry

Sounds to me as if your dd is not having her basic needs met and this is why her behaviour towards you is resentful.

cheapfrills
I havent read the full thread.. however..
as a daughter who has felt.. and probably still feels the same way about her mother (aged 35!!) I agree with snog.. she is not getting what she needs from you.. she knows how to wind you up and you are reacting to it.. you are her mother.... it would be helpful to her to stay calm and get to the bottom of this. she is approaching her teans and needs boundaries and consistency.. the less stressed you feel about it.. the more she can learn.. i am no expert.. however thats how i wish my mum would have been..

I agree that humiliating the child is not the best approach imo. You want to model the behaviour that you would like to see, not stoop to her level. That would be bullying and it's not clear yet if there are any problems at school or elsewhere that could be contributing to her behaviour. Bullying her won't help the situation.

But I do think that you need to set some ground rules and consequences for breaking them. Just so that she knows in advance and can make more responsible choices. So, for example, you could say that speaking disrespectfully means no lifts (or whatever). It has to matter to her so choose something that you know will make her appreciate you.

If my dd called me an idiot and the next day wanted me to rescue her from a spider, I would probably say something like, 'No, I don't want to. I didn't like the way you spoke to me yesterday, I haven't had a sincere apology so I don't feel like doing you a favour right now'.

*teens even.. sorry

Exactly, Scarenuff.

One point- she may in fact be having her needs met. It is just possible she is a bit overindulged and used to getting what she wants, or any number of other explanations. Although unhappiness elsewhere eg at school, is a possibility.

The spanking suggestion is absolutely horrific. I can't believe what I'm reading.

Yuck.

DD was threatened with having her pants pulled down & her bum smacked & that DH would video it & put it on the internet for all to see - she knows me well enough to know I don't make idle threats ( she also doesn't know I can put it on youtube & lock it down so no-one can see it.

So, as a punishment, you threatened to rip your (pubescent?) daughter's knickers off to expose her genitals, have her father slap her on her bare privates, while you film the incident for youtube for what she believed to be public consumption. And you genuinely meant to carry out that threat.

Jesus fucking Christ. Am I missing some particularly sick joke here?

Its a mumsnet 'thing' that teens/ Tweens etc are like toddlers yes?

Then I'd be enforcing more boundaries, consistent & predictable consequences, YET at the same time increasing time to bond with her (whether she likes it or not!). I worry about the 'ignore/ no attention route that it reinforces to her that you don't understand her, want to be with her or care. It closes down the channels of communication & you want the opposite.

A lot of the meanness may be about showing you how much she hates herself/ doesn't think she's likeable & she's driving you into a position where you are going to behave in ways that confirm that belief to her.

When I was nasty to my mother, the most cutting thing she would do was to withdraw & treat me with disgust. It belittled my emotions & made me feel worthless. Mind you, perhaps I different situation as she wasn't a very nice person & didn't care for me very much in the first place. What an thinking is relevant is the way I acted out to show my pain was to hit out at her... Hence me suggesting more positive attention in general

Why not spend some regular mother / daughter time doing nice stuff together of your daughter's choosing not yours? It's important for her to feel that you are on her side and that you are emotionally connected.

Look I'm really sorry for what you are going through because it must be mighty painful.

I think you need to be congruent, that is, respond honestly to her bad behaviour rather than with a "yes dear". Tell her how hurt you feel, how much you love and cherish her, and how you would treasure a happier relationship.

And when she says "If Dad had chosen someone else" get don't into discussion but rather reprimand her for what are totally offensive comments.

She must be very unhappy and probably feels horribly guilty about the way she treats you yet floundering for a way forward. She needs guidance and consistency from you & her dad. He really does need to back you up completely on this.

I agree with the counselling, either for her or a session or two for you all. Worth a try at least.

All the best

Please hang on in there. My DD started this sort of behaviour at about 11 or 12. I always tried to talk to her about whatever her current problem might be but often had to drag it out of her. It might have been bullying at school, homework problems, eating problems, etc etc but I always made sure to stay calm and spend time with her whether she liked it or not! She would be absolutely vile sometimes and really upsetting and it can be bloody exhausting!

Thats nice dear does not work with her at all it just drags out the drama.

She is 18 now and just starting to become a human again.She even thanked me recently for always being there through her low times and says she doesn't know how she would have coped without me.

She said I was her closest friend as she knows she can discuss anything with me. I was gobsmacked to hear all this but happy to know that all those years of hard work and hanging on in there had been the right thing to do.

So don't give up and don't leave her whatever you do !

She will probably get worse before she gets better but if you invest the time and love in her things will improve eventually. You just have to be consistent.

Good luck - its not easy!

I wonder if it's little bouts of depression which are hard to handle as an adult but must be just a mystery to a 12 year old.

I was feeling v down on Sunday (I am a trailing spouse and life is not always an adventure, often lonely and dull) and ranted at my DH, though knew it was me with the problem. I can imagine as a 12 year old I would have let rip at someone as the feelings seem to come out of the blue.