Do you think you are loved “properly?”

[wildwestapplepie]

I once read in a book that ?Love is only as big as is a sacrifice we are willing to make for it? (sorry this is a translation and maybe not a good one but I hope you understand me). I often think about this and wonder. How much is my DH willing to sacrifice for me?
Do you think your husband loves you the way he should. Does he care about you, your problems, your aches and pains, your feelings, your needs? Is he willing to make sacrifice for you, what sort, how much?

Aww, some lovely stories here. A bit jealous of you lovely ladies as it must be a nice feeling to feel loved. I never had that ......or I thought I did and then wake up one to discover they are shagging someone else...

Early 30s and I'm not fussed about man anymore.....

one day

I feel my husband loves very much, though he might not always show his feelings the way I expect it. He's not into the "big show" as you would see it on the media these days. So you'll see no effervescence on Facebook or red hearts anywhere.

He cares about me but I know he has trouble understanding my emotional world, so to speak.

When you say "properly", I guess this means different things to different people.

We have our disagreements too, but when it comes to our relationship and our family, he's loyal, reliable, and solid as the stars.

I think Love is conditional. You get back what you put in and that should be a two way street. But you have to extract the strands of love to get some meaning. You can love someone but not like everything about them. Lots of the MN here have given examples of demonstrative affection. Leaving a cuppa out every morning (my DH does this too). But friendship; respect; affection; support and committment these are the overriding themes in this discussion. Perhaps the notion of unconditional love is too romantic and not realistic. My hound loves me unconditionally, should he have such emotions. My DH, he just loves me. Respects me, listens to me, supports me and is jointly committed to us and our family. And vice versa. Neither of us would forgive a betrayal. That is what unconditional love implies to me. That you are blind to imperfections and betrayal. Dunno, that's my take.

Yes, I most certainly feel loved, all the time. Every time DP looks at me I feel loved!

I don't think romantic love can ever be unconditional though, of course it is conditional! And it shouldn't mean great sacrifice. DP enhances my life, doesn't cause me to sacrifice things.

Agree with SGB too.

I tihnk the only unconditional love out there is the love between a parent and child. And even that is not a given. Some parents have it, but I imagine it could be broken but unspeakably bad things.

Because of this thread I asked dh tonight about unconditional love. I said "It's funny isn't - that we'd forgive the dc for committing murder but we wouldn't forgive an infidelity of each other." He agreed.

I guess we fell in love with each other because the person we fell in love with wouldn't do that.

I also agree that the closest we can experience to unconditional love is the love of parents towards their children. Not always the other way round, though.

I know I don't love my DH unconditionally. In fact, as time goes by, my list of conditions seem to be expanding more and more :)

I don't expect him to love me unconditionally either. If I went and had an affair, he has the right to withdraw his love. I wouldn't expect any less.

Love also means different things at different ages. When I was a teenager, love meant fancying someone very much and feeling butterflies in my stomach every time I saw them. Unfortunately, that is not enough to sustain a long term relationship/

Now love for me is working together with one aim in sight, raising our children, caring for them and securing their future. In other words, it means working as a team, being reliable and being there for each other when we need it the most.

Mine just does. No strings attached. No caveats. No big gestures.

It goes both ways.

I am absolutely convinced of this yes. He isn't without problems but absolutely convinced I am loved and cherished warts and all by him.

MmeBovary is on the same page as me :)

And another vote for conditional love. I don't believe relationships should really be unconditional other than parents loving children.

Without doubt, DH married a driven, dynamic, model looks, high earning party animal that got things done

I took ill after going back to work too soon after giving birth,bits been a roller coaster healthwise, I'm not what I was by a long stretch & as shallow as my tall dark & handsome, women throw themselves at him DH seemed to a lot of people, he has never made me feel less than the centre of his world. This week DD & I have been laid up with flu, I'be spent most of the week looking like a greasy lumpy sweaty, germ ridden crock of shit, nut he kisses my forehead every morning on waking + hugs me every night, tells me he lives me, but never seems to notice what a mess I look, we are best friends first + last + lovers inbetween, so yes I don't doubt he loves me ever :)

I think, actually, the whole 'sickness and health' thing can be a bit harmful. Sometimes, people get ill, and the illness impacts really really badly on the rest of the household. If, for instance, your partner is an addict or an alcoholic, or develops a major mental illness that means s/he is dangerous to live with, then it isn't heartless or wicked or selfish to end the relationship. You can't cure a seriously ill person with love - at least, not when 'love' means putting up with aggression, nastiness, dangerous or damaging irresponsibility (such as running up huge debts) or doing 24/7 care by yourself for someone who cannot move/speak/use the toilet. Sometimes, a person is so ill (physically or mentally) that s/he really does need ongoing professional care, and there is nothing bad about that person's partner or indeed other family members refusing to take on the responsibility of providing that care full time.

There's also this thing that (given the whole soggy mass of 'Love' propaganda aimed mostly at women) if you haven't been dating someone for very long, you really don['t owe that person the rest of your life should something bad happen which means the person needs fulltime care or even has mild-to-moderate SN. And when it's a case of 'S/he had an awful childhood and is 'depressed' (but has no formal diagnosis and is basically just tantrumming)' then if you can walk away in the early days do so.

Haven't read whole thread, but based on the first few posts, my exp apparently worshipped the ground I walked on, but this was based on him putting me on a pedestal re my career, my figure, my youth etc etc. I gained a bit (i.e. a few pounds) of weight and he got twitchy. He put down my family and my friends that he did not approve of. He was in love with an ideal, nit the real me.

I know dp loves ME. I gained 3.5 stones while pg and he didn't even notice. He loves all my friends and my family because I love them. Last I heard exp had married his new hairdresser gf in Marbella (nice! )...

Yes my DH loves me properly and I never understood how much until I lost my brother in June this Year. He knows exactly when to ask how I am and he knows when to put an arm around me and let me cry no questions asked.

I'd like to think I could be the same support for him as he's been for me. He is a rock and at the tender age of 27 he knows far more than I credit him for despite the fact that he came from a broken home and yet he still believes in marriage.

We love each other properly, I would do anything for him and our baby boy.

I can't work out whether I'm cynical or jealous.

I have seen some exemplary relationships explode, but then you never really know what goes on. I think you would have to combine the true love with a diamond type of man who was decent to the core. I think that's more likely to get you loved properly than a man who is irresistibly drawn by your charms.

My relationship now is with someone I think is a truly exceptional human being, and not always in a good way. i am always excited to be around him and we have done brilliant things together, he makes me want to be the best person I can and he has exactly the body I want in bed. I'm not sure if I love him though. I imagine he loves me in the way he is capable. I am never bored, and I have to say, you are a long time married and the reassuringly predictable life is not for me.

I'm not sure about the word 'properly' - I will certainly be planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

Everyone has their own version of love, I think.

we'd forgive the dc for committing murder

Would you, really?

I have to say I wouldn't. And I'm not sure I'd still have the same love for DS.

Lueji, your child could be convicted for murder but there could be mitigating circumstances (or at least circumstances where you could understand the reasons they did it but the law has to find them guilty). So many variables that I'm sure in some circumstances you could.

One of the reasons I left stbxh was because I was having some health issues and his response was "oh well, hopefully they'll just give you some tablets and it will be ok". There was no understanding about how worried I was, that it was a sign that other things could be wrong, no curiosity about what had caused it, what else could be done to improve things.

My DM had various health issues through her life and my DF was always 100% supportive, visited her everyday in hospital for months (a 3 hour round trip) and cared for us children too, working nights to make up for the lost time. He helped her with her physio, never expected anything of her and treated her like the precious gift that she was to him, after he'd nearly lost her.

I knew that stbxh would never do that for me. That even in reasonable health I was a bit of a burden to him and that in sickness I would have been intolerable.

Would is different from could.
And murder is premeditated.

To answer the OP, no I don't think so at the moment. I think he loves me, but I don't know if he loves me 'enough'. I don't really get what I want or need from him but I don't know if that's just him, or whether I expect something that is simply unrealistic.

I've been head over heels in love with him for 8 years and feel like I have loved him properly, without it being returned the way I wish. I don't have anything left and I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. I don't want to try to change him, I'm not sure I should even try. He is a great person and a good husband but something is missing.

Things are a mess for me right now.

Lueji, hand on heart, there is nothing that my ds could do that would stop me loving him. I include the most heinous of crimes.

I am not saying my love would stay the same. Most likely it would not. But I will never ever disown my son. Way I figure it is that if he has done something truly heinous, I have somehow played a part in that. I am his mother. I should bloody well know him. And I would be abandoning him when he most needed me by disowning him.

Tuesday, sorry xxx

To the poster who said there was between her and her husband. Ask yourself.... Would you still love him if he admitted to shagging another woman in your marital bed and saying that he was off with her? A horrible horrible example, but would you? Would you really??

I think so, although of course not having been through it I can't say for sure. I am sure I would be upset and disappointed, but I would probably get over it eventually and I would hope that we would remain friends and co-parents and be able to get along.

I do know of someone who did this. His wife basically dumped him after an affair, then took about a year to move out because she couldn't find a place she liked to live in.

Throughout, he remained patient and said he was happy for her that she had found someone she thought she could be happy with, even though it was not him and he was obviously upset about that.

And they continue to be good friends now that she has moved out and is pursuing her relationship with OM. He says that they are able to keep things so civilised because, despite everything, they still love each other.

Lueji - it was me who wrote the sentence you take issue with.

Perhaps you are right, perhaps I wouldn't love my dc if they committed murder. My intention in my love for them right now is that I would.

My security in life comes from knowing that my my Mum (and possibly my Dad) would have forgiven me anything.

They have needed to have forgiven me precisely nothing in life so far (I'm 36) but knowing that they would be there for me regardless is worth a lot. It really is.