Do you think you are loved “properly?”

[wildwestapplepie]

I once read in a book that ?Love is only as big as is a sacrifice we are willing to make for it? (sorry this is a translation and maybe not a good one but I hope you understand me). I often think about this and wonder. How much is my DH willing to sacrifice for me?
Do you think your husband loves you the way he should. Does he care about you, your problems, your aches and pains, your feelings, your needs? Is he willing to make sacrifice for you, what sort, how much?

DH and I have been together for thirty years, since we were teens. There has never been anyone else for him and he would cheerfully give up everything for me.

He is also the only person in the world who thinks I am beautiful so how can I help but love him back??

Servalan

thanks raskolnikov - am already under the mental health team for my OCD issues, so don't think I'd get any further counselling. Thanks for the suggestion though

I feel deeply loved and cared for. Dh is so sensible, so careful, always putting me and dc first. He has life assured himself up to the eyeballs and beyond, as he gets so concerned about how we would financially look after ourselves if he passed (I say to him, with the life assurance you have arranged? We would be fine and dandy thanks very much!).

He is so damn good, would never look for the easy way or a short cut if that was not the 'right' way, and that is how he approaches our marriage. I have the utmost faith in him as a husband and father, that we will always be his number I, without exception.

I get so excited at the prospect of growing old with him.

Cheers Mae - plenty of for you too!

vino thats soooo sweet

I dont feel loved. DH says he loves me but I feel that there's no depth to it. I came out of a very abusive relationship many years ago that DH knew about. He told me that he'd always look after me, but after I had DS, he sat back and watched his mother and sister bully me, knowing full well that I had PND and wasn't coping. That was 4 years ago and all I feel is resentment. The whole foundation of our relationship is meaningless as at the first hurdle he buried his head in the sand and left me to cope alone. He is as weak as the man that used to beat me. I still feel incredibly let down and sad much of the time.

That's very sad Boo - I'm not for one minute excusing his behaviour, but whilst many women feel overwhelmed with a new baby, I do feel that somehow many men think we have some sort of innate ability to care for them, something that comes naturally. Of course this often isn't the case but I know some men feel inadequate when it comes to coping/helping ... that doesn't make it ok to leave the woman to it of course!

I think unconditional love is quite unhealthy, I love my DH of 28 years absolutely and totally, but not unconditionally, that suggests that you would accept being treated badly just to stay with someone.
I am definitely loved "properly" by my DH but I would not want unconditional love from him, someone who is emotionally mature and healthy does put conditions on love imo. Surely expecting fidelity and respect are conditions?

Well, like a few of you guys here, Shy, Mae and Servalan, I feel alone and lonely too. And thinking of moving out - permanently this time. I came back, after he agreed to counselling (counsellor properly sided with him), I would have even put up with that (I think my confidence has all but vamoose) but he decided after two sessions that he didn't need counselling. I, on the other hand, do. Fucker! I'll leave first, then I will have my counselling for myself.

It's the small day to day things that are important too:

"Where's ma teeeeeeeeeea??" shouts I from the upstairs landing the other morning when fresh out of the shower my morning cup of tea was not laden upon my dressing table.

He makes my life easier. He is showing the kids that men adore women (and vice versa by the way).

My Dad adores my Mum. He is a happy man. My brothers adore their wives. They are happy men.

Now please don't think I am saying that the happiness of men is what's important or that women's happiness depends on having a good man. Not sure what my point is but I hope my children end up with, and are, decent partners I really do.

yes, I feel totally loved and dp knows I adore him.

Yes, I feel totally and properly loved. There is nothing dh would not do for me, and he has proved it many times over the last twentysomething years.

Maleficience, I do think the love is unconditional. Dh does not stop loving me when I am disrespectful or whatever, he just asks that we talk about it and sort it out.

If I behaved truly awfully for a sustained period his love would probably gradually die, but as it is it does feel unconditional. Doesn't mean he will stand for me abusing him, as he has self respect, but that is a separate issue.

Utterly and completely, and I hope he feels the same from me to him.

I feel so sad for anyone that feels they are not loved by their partner. I hope you find the courage to make the changes that you need.

I do feel loved by my OH, he isn't a hearts and flowers person and he drives me to despair a lot of the time but I know that the kids and I are everything to him. He thinks about us all the time and he is always there with a back rub or a bar of chocolate when needed. He's the only male in a house of females (even the cat is female) and he takes all of it in good humour. He's also my best friend, I want to tell him whenever anything happens to me and he can make me laugh so easily.

I would like every woman to experience what I have, and if I could clone him then I would - but would find a way to get rid of the farting. :o

I do feel loved. Dh is not great at showing it it traditional ways, I don't get flowers, choccies, or even birthday presents sometimes. If I relied on those kind of things to think I was loved I'd have left to be honest.

But I know that I am the only woman for him.

Last year I would have said that there wasn't much to my relationship with DH. In fact it was down in the dregs of relationships. His temper went too far on a number of occasions, including getting physical. I once posted on MN about it and ended up having it removed as a) people, rightly, were shocked about some of the stuff that went on and b) I never wanted him to read it and he knew my then username.

Now its different. Completely different. He almost lost me this year in a real and also relationship sense. Our relationship turned a corner at that point and he has made major changes to how he behaves both to me and the children. He also has made some important sacrifices that have changed things a huge amount.

It could have easily gone the other way. Now he puts more effort into our relationship than I do and is supportive in many ways. I suppose it falls into the "Sometimes you have to nearly lose something to realise how much you will do to keep it."

My husband tells me he loves me all the time, but I do not think he knows what that means. He treats me like I am one of his kids. Constantly criticizing me for everything does not appreciate anything I do, he does not say it but I know that he does not think highly of me in any way. He never told me I was beautiful, or most beautiful, he never made any sacrifice for me, he does not take my wants and needs into account, always puts himself first. OMG after writing all of this down, I feel even worse. The problem is, he does not see it. When some few years ago, we talked about our marriage and I told him I was even thinking about divorce he was shocked. ?I did not think it was so bad,? he said to me. Maybe it is me, maybe I am asking for too much, but I am so in need of being loved and cared for ?properly?, that sometimes it hurts. In need of gentle touch, loving words, appreciation, affection,?.everything. Our relationship is so?.poor? that is the only word I can come up with.

Well I'm happily single. I have had some nice relationships with some nice men who loved me 'properly' in that they were kind, supportive, respectful, affectionate, decent human beings, and still are (am vaguely in touch with some of them and indeed their now-DWs, goodwill and friendship on all sides). I loved them, too and still think well of them, but I am simply not comfortable in a romantic heteromonogamous relationship and I think it's a big problem that so many people, particularly women, are encouraged to prioritize this sort of relationship above all others.

And I don't think much of the OP's definition, it reminds me of the sort of arsepigeons that are forever saying how they would 'die for you babe' - but won't remember to put the loo seat down or turn up on time.

Just picking up the point about unconditional love. I doubt there are many relationships out there where there's unconditional love.

To the poster who said there was between her and her husband. Ask yourself.... Would you still love him if he admitted to shagging another woman in your marital bed and saying that he was off with her? A horrible horrible example, but would you? Would you really??

My love for my DH is profound, secure and long-lasting. Unconditional? Nope.

Now, my love for my DS is another matter entirely. There is nothing, nothing at all, he could ever do, no matter how heinous, that would ever stop me loving him. Yes, it might diminish my love for him, but my love for him is unconditional. I honestly believe that unconditional love is only possible for a mother to feel.

No wildwest, he isn't my husband. He says he'd like to be though.

at arsepigeons SGB, and agree with the rest of that para as well!

My husband worships the ground I walk on, and I his. there is nothing I wouldnt do for him, nor him me.

That sounds very sickly but he had a long term illness, it never bothered me to nurse him. I know he;d do the same for me. Upa nd down, of course, but we married for life.

We are two halves of the same coin, whilst being indpendent entities.

.

No

solidgoldbrass - I think it's a big problem that so many people, particularly women, are encouraged to prioritize this sort of relationship above all others.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I wish I had thought that way 30 years ago as I would have saved myself a whole lot of sadness.