divorce & introducing new partner to children

[spongebob5]

Hello :) new poster here!

Im nearly divorced and have been with my new partner for a year. I'd like to introduce my new partner to my children but the situation is difficult.

I split up from my husband, hes had real difficulty accepting that our marriage is over but sees our children regularly. Unfortunately he sees the children at the house where we used to live together, saying that the children don't like going to his parents house (where he is now living) which I can't say no to as his name is still on the mortgage- I pay the mortgage & have done since before we were separated. He can't afford to buy or rent his own place. I had been planning to buy his share of the house, but I've been declined when I applied for a mortgage.

Obviously he has a negative view towards my new partner , which seems to have rubbed off on my children. When I've brought up the subject of them meeting him, theyve refused, but I've been with my partner a year now and we are serious about each other and I'd like them to at least meet him and make they're own decisions rather than take on their dads opinion.

I think there is a time for considering others' feelings and there's a time for insisting other people consider yours. This is the latter. Your DH sounds like he's tryingto control you and I think the whole business of him still hanging around your house is his way of keeping tabs. You need to find a way to get him off the mortgage and deeds if that's what's holding you back..... do you have anyone that could stand as guarantor if the mortgage can't be put in your sole name?

I don't know how old your children are but I think it's time you invited DP round for dinner.

What your X does with the DC during his contact time is his responsibility and it is not down to you to provide a suitable venue. There is no reason why you cannot insist he take the DC out. Although his name may be on the deeds still, that does not entitle him to come in the house at will, just as a landlord cannot enter a rental property without considering the tenant.

However, if you say this, your X is likely to get awkward, so you need to remove any power he has over you. I second finding any way you can to get him off the deeds. If you can prove your income and how you've managed to pay the mortgage single-handedly over the last year or so, you may have more luck. Have you been to see a financial advisor?

I think you may also need to have a chat with your children about the complexity of adult relationships and how they should judge your new partner based on how they perceive him, not coloured by your Xs dislike or your desire for them to like him.

I dont have anyone I can ask to be guarantor sadly, but I will carry on looking for a mortgage , even if it means taking one with an adverse credit lender. My kids are 13 and 8, when I've spoken to them about meeting my partner the eldest just flatly refused to speak about it and the youngest said 'i don't want someone else to be my daddy'- to me that something shes heard her dad saying cos (for all his faults) hes a brilliant dad. I was thinking about asking him round one evening, otherwise, how long do I wait??

I think a year is plenty enough time to wait.
You need to handle this gently but it is time for your kids to meet your partner - good luck.
Don't rush into a cruddy mortgage though - get some good advice first.

Point out that they have friends at school or who come round to the house and that you are entitled to have friends as well. Point out that they only get one 'daddy' (worst luck) who has to last a lifetime and they will never have another one. Then tell them that your friend is coming over for dinner and you'd like them to be friendly and polite when they meet him or you'll be very disappointed.

What Cognito said.

As far as I can tell from you post there are two issues: introducing your new partner to DC and the house.

With regard to the house, I was awarded the house in my divorce settlement. I was to try and get the mortgage on my own, but should I not be able to secure a mortgage on just my income my exH was required to stay on it until my youngest DC was 18 or I sold it, which ever came first. He however was not entitled to have any say as to what I and DCs did in or to the property. He was not the owner. So you need to seek advice from your solicitor on that matter.

With regard to the children, if you feel that the time is right for them to meet - then it is time to meet. Your ex should not have any say in that.

I also think it is high time that you put your foot down and tell him to find somewhere else to entertain the DCs. You should make it plain and clear that the house is no longer his home.

Thanks for your replies.

I think I'll ask him round , as Cognito said, I'm entitled to friends, & they wouldn't bat an eyelid if it was any other friend.

about the house, I asked my solicitor if I could stop him coming to the house? She said it wasn't about whether we were married or divorced (the decree absolute will be at the end of the month), but that his name is still on the mortgage. I really want him to stop coming to the house, as I feel he snoops in my things & sometimes starts arguments in front of the kids. i also want to remortgage as hopefully when he has money for a deposit he can get his own place & the kids can spend time with him there

Hello! just thought I'd bump up this thread.

I'm now divorced and have applied for another mortgage (with a high street lender) , its taking a while though because I've also recently changed jobs and have had to get an employer reference as proof of earnings. so hopefully that will be agreed soon.

I asked my partner to come round. My youngest has been accepting of him, shes polite and they seem to be getting on ok. But, and its a big but, my eldest daughter flatly refuses to even meet him! When he has come round, she runs up to her bedroom. When I've tried to speak to her about this, she says I shouldn't be making her feel uncomfortable in her own home. While gritting my teeth, I asked her how she could feel uncomfortable when she hadnt even said hello, but ran straight upstairs? Sorry if I sound harsh but I think I've tried be be considerate?

I am going to take a different view and say you have to respect your DD's wishes. IMO, it is up to her when she chooses to meet him. You can't really put a time limit on this and if she's not ready, then I think you need to wait until she is.

It took my sister 5 or 6 YEARS to feel ready to meet my mum's partner, at the age of 29! My mum accepted it without complaint.

Best of luck with getting your mortgage approved.

Thanks for your reply , Creme egg :) do you mean I should ask my partner not to come round any more? My youngest daughter stays over at her Grandparents (where ex-h is now living) once or twice a week, but eldest refuses to sleep over there. So I can't ask him to just come over when they're with their dad , because she won't stay there. My relationship with my eldest is good apart from this, and my partner has said she may be worried that she will lose me to him? But thats not the case at all.

As she's 13 then just say that she can meet him when ready and if she choses to stay in her room then so be it. Make light of it and she'll come round eventually.

I share your angst here spongebob and I think the answer lies with a calm chat with your DC. She is dictating rather a lot for a child! Yes she can refuse to stay with the GPs and yes she can choose not to meet your NP but she can't hold you to ransom. Is she hoping that if she shuts her eyes very tight and wishes hard then everything might go back to how it was?

I have a similar problem to you. I left H 2+ years ago and the divorce is nearly through. He rushed into a new relationship and as the (older) DC were still very upset he held back from introducing them to his NP for a year. When he did it was a disaster and mutual antipathy from what they have told me. Meanwhile I have met a lovely man who is now my DP. Scarred by what happened my DC have been very wary and ready to dislike him. Naturally he is lovely,thoughtful and sensitive and will back off when I ask him to. Gradually they are seeing he is a kind funny nice man who doesn't want to be their new Dad.

I think you need to explain to your DD that you accept her feelings, won't force her to spend time with DP, but that you and DD2 and DP will be going iceskating/shopping/out for a pizza etc and you would really like her to come too. If she goes on refusing that is her choice, but most DC will want to be included and part of a happy outing even if they put up a struggle. She doesn't dislike him personally, but the idea of him.

Good luck!

Thanks Lemon drizzle, I agree , she is dictating a lot for a child. I've always been the bad cop who's laid down the boundaries. This situation suits my ex totally, so he won't insist that she stays with him. so I'm kind of thinking that my partner should carry on coming round, as yes its her home, but its also her choice to avoid him. I do feel guilty though that she spends the evening upstairs!

If she won't stay over at her GPs and you don't like to let him stay at yours how do you manage a sex life? Or does he creep in/leave when she is in bed?

I think you should spend some special girly time with her alone and explain how you understand her feelings but he is your friend and makes you happy and you hope she will one day get to know him while never expecting her to think of him as anything other than mum's friend. Don't back down. Don't let her dictate what happens and let her spend time upstairs if she chooses. But keep asking her to join in. She probably wants everything to be happy and normal between you.

I wouldn't let a 13 year old tell me who I can invite to my house. You have been with him for a year, he has done nothing wrong. Your teenager can hide in her room if she wishes but she shouldn't have any say in who you invite to your house unless they are abusing her.
I think the children of divorced parents are often given too much power over their parents' lives. She shouldn't be vetting who you see or where.
She'll get bored of spending evenings upstairs.
You could try talking to her about how important this man is to you and the fact that he isn't trying to replace her dad who will always be her dad but she has to accept that he is now your boyfriend and isn't going to go away and her trying to restrict your relationships isn't a healthy thing for a teenage daughter to be doing and a miserable lonely mother helps no-one.

Haha! well yes he has been known to sneak out early in the morning , we're both nurses though and shift work has some benefits during the school week. yeah I have tried to talk to her about it, but she told me he wasn't my friend but my boyfriend (true), so will have to carry on as we are I think...

Glad to hear your children are accepting of your partner :)

My children were given no choice, we (the 2 adults) decided to move in together and the children were told that this is what was happening.
I don't discuss my sex life with my children and do feel that where we live the type of house etc is up to the adult who is paying for the house.
I don't see why you think it is OK for a 13 year old to tell you who can come in to your house, I don't see why you think she can refuse a boyfriend but not a female friend. It's not about her, he has come to see you, you don't need her permission.
If she also refuses to stay overnight at her father's/ grandparents then she seems to be punching abover her weight.
I would tell your daughters that on x weekend boyfriend will be staying over on Saturday and give them the choice of staying and meeting him and doing stuff together (and suggest this will be a regular occurance) or staying with their grandparents.
I think you have to start acting like the parent here, it sounds as though you have been too concerned about keeping your ex and your daughter happy and they both sound rather selfish and not to be thinking of you at all.

Thanks for your reply Rebecca. I totally see where you are coming from, but my ex is very much still hung up on me (he tells me constantly). The house is still half his,despite my efforts and apart from physically picking her up and putting her in the car - I can't 'make' her stay at her Grandparents house. I have said to her that when her dad gets his own place, is she still going to be saying that she won't stay over? She said no, she would stay with him... Yes they are being selfish, however shes 13 and has had to watch her mum and dad break up, so I'm not going to push the point too much.

With my new partner staying over, I think I'll wait a bit longer before making any announcements to the girls that hes staying over. Its not ideal as it is at the moment, but one step at a time.

If the relationship is over it doesn't matter whether he's hung up on you or not. That's up to him to work on. Are you enjoying him being hung up on you and afraid to lose that? If not... better be cruel to be kind. It's over, there's someone else, you are serious, he's not welcome at the house any more.

I agree totally with 2rebecca.

I meant what clippedphoenix put across better than I did, spongebob. Given time, your DD will come around, but you shouldn't rush her, IMO.

I'm definately not wanting him to carry on having feelings for me. However, legally his name is still on the mortgage & he does have rights to come into the house. He's using the situation fully to his advantage ! And there's nothing I can do about it, until I get the house remortgaged & can change the locks . It's very easy for everyone to say they wouldn't let him in, but when one child is refusing to spend more than a few hours at her grand parents house & your ex husband tells you that it's still his house & he can come here, there's not much I can do- I have checked with my solicitor.

Yes everyone who is saying to take it slow, I'm going to carry on as we are. I'm not forcing her to meet him but it's her choice to go upstairs.