I have been letting this bloke string me along for nearly a year now, and I just don't know why I am allowing it to happen.

[DreamStory]

I feel like such a fool.

I am married. He is married. We both settled down very young and are now in our late 30's. We have 5 primary school aged children between us.

We used to work together and gradually became very good friends. I was never physically attracted to him when we first met.

Over time, we became very close and it was obvious to both of us that if things were different, we could be very happy together.

Physically, we have never taken things any further than kissing. Indeed, since I have moved departments we very rarely see each other at all, but do keep in touch on a daily basis.

I would love to see him again, but we seem to be going round in circles. He talks about how much he misses me, and how often he thinks about me, but as soon as I suggest meeting up he goes quiet. So then I back off a bit, keep the chit-chat more casual until eventually he starts to talk about how he would "love to see me but......"

He has always been a very loyal and devoted family man, so the whole thing was very unexpected really. He says that he will never do anything to jeopardise his family's happiness, but yet he his happy to stay up late nearly every night texting me, telling me I'm special, and umming & ahhing about meeting up.

I expect that I am going to get crucified for this on here, but I just can't help how I feel. The dawning realisation that I would be quite prepared to take this relationship further given half a chance has hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I would be capable of that.

In a way, a part of me is grateful to him for not allowing me to do that. I'm sure that many blokes would have let me chuck my marriage away by now. He is far too kind and decent for that (but of course, this just makes me like him more).

Actually, you know, I don't think I do care about hurting dh.

I mean, I care massively about our family unit and I don't think I am going to come to terms with the idea of blowing that apart for a long time.

And therein lies the difference between me and OM. I could do the sneaking around without guilt, if I'm honest. He is overwhelmed by guilt everytime he sees me. Which I imagine is why he is happy to continue the relationship by text. He still gets a small piece of me, but tells himself he is doing nothing wrong.

And this, I can't understand actually. If I felt like that, I would never have been remotely interested in looking elsewhere in the first place. I've only done it because of the state of my relationship with dh.

It is because you are projecting your feelings on to him and you believe that he is speaking the truth about how he feels about you. Whereas I, well, I dont think he really is as keen on you as you seem to think, and he seems to say.

A man with so low morals (sorry but it is true) would jump on the chance of a willing shag, if he really was interested. Which means, he isnt.

Of course it's not all the OP's fault. Like I said in my other posts, if his wife finds out I hope she calls him to account for his actions. But the OP is playing a nasty and dangerous game to prop up her sense of worth as a person.

Like someone else said, you are using eachother OP, but not because either of you are attracted to each other as people.

It's even more revealing OP that you say this:

"Scapegoat - you may well be closer to the mark than I would care to admit. I do wonder how interested in him I would be if he was there and available to me."

This suggests that the only sure-fire way of you losing interest in him is if he put what ethics he still has to one side and makes bigger sacrifices for you. Because this isn't about him - this is about you winning a very strange competition that you think will say something positive about you.

It doesn't.

If you find it validating that you can win unattainable men, that's a very low bar you set yourself as a human being.

You should stop this- and then think to yourself "why do I do this?"

Crazily, I'm sure you got a further boost by what he said this morning.

The sad thing is you don't seem to realise why he's doing this, yet it's obvious to everyone else.

It's not you personally he has feelings for.

It's how you make him feel about himself.

That's what he's addicted to and why he doesn't want to see you or have a proper affair with you. If he's been married a long time, he and his wife probably love eachother very deeply, but they've long since stopped constantly propping eachother's egoes up by telling eachother how desirable and wonderful they are, all of the time. His wife would probably be just as vulnerable to that sort of flattery herself. Like I say, it's no biggie and it's as easy as picking fruit off a tree.

You are a fantasy to him, but frankly any woman could have fitted that particular bill and as for you, any man could have fitted your requirements as long as he was unattainable and gave you a challenge.

When you're in contact with eachother, in reality your faces and personalities are blurred to extinction. You could be virtual life players, just playing your own roles in the game.

You are a prop to his esteem and he's a prop to yours. That's all.

Quint is right that he doesn't genuinely think you're this wonderful person.

But he has to keep giving this guff in order to get it back. It's like feeding a gas meter.

It's best you realise this instead of thinking he means what he says.

It's best he also realises that you don't mean anything you say either and that you'd run a mile if he had an affair and gave everything up for you. Fortunately, it sounds like he has realised that bit at least.

Right, best thing you can do is go non-contact - send him a message saying something along the lines of "OM, I need to spend some time working on my marriage, so I need you to be a good friend and not contact me while I'm doing this. If you care, you'll not text or message me because I need to get you out of my head so I can think clearly. If you really care, you'll stay away."

If he does contact you again execpt for a 'message understood' reply hten you know that actually, he's not a nice person, he doesnt care about hurting you and just wants you to continue to massage his ego.

If he does stay out of your life, don't fall into temptation to contact him - delete his number and tell yourself you aren't allowed to be in touch. You will need to grieve and feel like shit for a while. Then after awhile, you will stop thinking about him and be able to look what you've got left. You might decide your marriage isn't worth saving or that it can be fixed. You may well find that once you take the 'fantasy man' out of your head, your relationship with your DH gets better because you're not comparing him unfavourably to a man that does'nt actually exist (you don't know what OM would be like ot live with in reality)

OP you are coming across as the most shallow, self-absorbed, selfish bitch here. And I am fairly sure that shows through in RL.

Your 'OM' is getting a kick out of having you dangling round after him, he is playing the noble act when in fact he is as much of a using arsehole as you.

If you don't care about hurting your DH, then you should end your marriage. Which of course you won't unless you have something else to go to - because otherwise who is going to stroke your vast ego?

You're right Don'tmindifIdo but there's no way the poster will follow that advice.
Unfortunately for her husband, his wife's commitment to him is being controlled only by the OM's partial ethics at the moment. OP has said she would be prepared to sneak around and knows she could cope with the guilt.

If she did follow that advice to go no contact, the OM respecting it wouldn't necessarily mean he cared for the OP. His reaction is likely to be far more selfish. Probably he would feel a combination of relief that he'd got away with what could have been a close shave, mixed in with some disappointment that he'd lost his 'fix'.

As long as the OP is doing all the running you see, he can kid himself that this isn't really his fault and he's doing nothing wrong.

Yes, I think the combination of relief and disappointment is what he would feel.

Whereas what I would feel, is bereft that all I was left with is dh.

The small bits of affection I get from OM is more than anything I get from dh.

I don't know. Maybe it's really my marriage that I should be posting on here about.

The thing is whilst I can cope with all the 'get rid' comments about OM (because I know that really), I couldn't cope with everyone telling me that my marriage seems beyond saving (because I know that's true as well really - I'm just not ready to accept it).

You might get some help if you started a thread about your marriage yes. But I think you're kidding yourself that if your marriage was great, you wouldn't be a game-player with a huge ego that needed to be fed by winning unattainable men.

I'd concentrate on you and why you're like this, first of all. It must cause terrible problems in your marriage and might explain some of the problems you're having in it.

One of the things that stands out for me is the suoerficiality of everything you talk about.
It's dominated by good looking you, and good looking dh and your perfect family set up (at least from the outside) But there is nothing of substance, it would seem.
Is your marriage really over? or do you think if you invested a fraction of the effort you are wasting on OM, there might be something left?
If that is not the case, you really do need to end it with dh and not over the OM. Sounds like you are just waiting for an equally good looking bloke who gives you more than a text to come along.

Looking through your posts too, there's nothing about you sitting down with your husband and telling him how you are feeling. If you haven't done that and given him the chance to work with you on your difficulties, it suggests you don't really want him to become more affectionate and give you what you perceive to be lacking. If he did, it would take away your excuse wouldn't it?

Not that anything he could have done in the past year would have made a scrap of difference, mind you. Because you've had no intention of making your marriage better since you started this game with the other man.

No, you're right. There is nothing about me trying to save my marriage in this past year. I have given up.

You may have a skewed view of me as a person based in this thread alone, but before all this, I really did put my heart and soul into my marriage.

I have tried EVERYTHING - talking, not talking, doing it all myself, doing nothing, practically begging. Everytime, dh says 'yes, you're right - I'll try' and everytime it lasts no more than a day.

I used to love him to the point of obsession, and I used to think that he was a bit spineless, a bit emotionless, and a bit dull because just 'all men are like that'.

It is only with age ( and OM) that I have realised this is not the case and that if I met him now, I don't think I would be attracted to him.

That's just it. I'd rather have not good-looking, but intelligent, witty and down-to-earth OM than my still very good looking, but dull and emotionless dh.

Having said all that, we don't argue anymore, there is nothing really bad about him, and day to day life is okay. We are strangely polite to each other these days. The prospect of life on my own with the kids sounds far harder than my life with him in it, and so it seemed that a bit on the side would be the answer.

Can't believe I am really writing all this.

You dont need to have another man in order to leave a marriage that is not working for you! You dont have to keep going on!

But it is most fair on all parties to leave a relationship and starting another. And most fair to start a relationship with another person who is also free and without a partner.

I suggest you look at your options in regards to splitting up, and talk to your husband that the relationship is not working for you, you are not happy, and you want to end it.

You cant rely on another man to keep you happy with the one you have got. Put the focus back onto your relationship and work out how you can end it and move on.

Try to find out why you need a man's attention to validate you.

Your husband might have worked out long ago that you only wanted him because you saw him as a prize that would validate you. That as soon as you'd got him and got to know the real him, you thought he was "spineless, emotional and dull". You think that hasn't come through over the years? Why would any man want to be affectionate and loving to a woman who thought that about him? You seemed to think he wasn't affectionate and making efforts with you because he was 'just like a typical man' when there's a more obvious possibility.

He doesn't want to be affectionate with you. He might be different with someone else.

You think you'd rather have OM but I bet you'd dump him like a flash if he asked for any commitment from you.

But he doesn't want you either. He wants his wife.

Can you face up to the possibility that neither man wants you personally?

I think this is just as important as facing up to the truth that you don't want either man.

Coming late to your discussion. I just think OP though you sound full of personal insight in some ways, you also seem not sure what you want from life at this stage or who you are.

Maybe you are "changing" in some ways, and this confusion is just a reflection of this?

So, no advice really. Counselling might help - just help you see what is going on inside you, may find some more clarity for yourself?

Jane - thank you, I think you're right.

I've been with dh since I was 17, and had our first baby at 23. I have spent the last 12 years utterly focused on my babies and my family life.

Now they are all at school, I am having some kind of re-invention of myself (!) and desperately wanting MY life back.

To demonstrate, as well as all this relationship chaos, I have also:

• embarked on a bit of a career change
• bought a convertible
• got back in touch with lots of old friends
• had a boob job
• started drinking again (not in a problem way, I just haven't drunk at all for years)

I feel all at sea, and OM is my bit of being ME for the first time in so long (indeed maybe forever since I settled down so young)

A few of those things are (as people have observed) superficial things more connected with image and appearance, like the car and the cosmetic surgery.

Many other people find that they get their self-esteem and 'bit of me' from things that define their worth as a person; their intelligence and achievements at work; being a great friend; helping others less fortunate; being a good parent and instilling humanitarian values in children; being a good partner; hobbies that require a level of skill. All things that don't rely on the superficial shiny wrapping that say nothing about you as a human being.

It seems strange to feel validated by those superficial things and especially odd to think it's an achievement to be wanted by a man who doesn't want you.

Actually, you need to lose the OM now because he's stopping you being the best 'you' you can be.

While you are still having the flirty thing with him, he is making life with your DH barable enough that you aren't dealing with it. You are holding on to this bit of attention that you feel you need and it's stopping you either working on your marriage to make your life together better, or finding life with your DH so unbarable that you leave.

He's actually getting in the way of you improving your life one way or another.

It will be hard to cut contact completely, but as he's not part of hte long term solution for you (as he won't leave his DW so he will never be your official DP) then he's getting in the way of you finding that long term solution.

Eventually you'll have to end it, and then grieve for this relationshp (and what it represented), then deal with the emotional fall out for you, before you will be in a position to clearly work out how you get to the best long term solution for you and your DCs. This plaster needs ripping off, best do it this weekend, the longer you drag this out, the more of your life you'll waste on a man that can't really care all that much for you. It's been 12 months, this could carry on for another 12 months and then you'll be in exactly the same situation but a year older. And then another 12 months, and hten another.

Cut contact. Tell him today.

You've had a boob job and are messing about with a married man ?

How 'common'

Get a grip, lady

OP am sending you a private message.

Further update:

After declarations of love and lust on Friday, he has now been in touch to say that he thinks the only way for us to go is to cut contact.

He says our relationship is getting more and more 'dangerous' to him and he needs to put it behind him.

So, I have to respect that and do the same. I feel hugely sad and lost, but also a little relieved.

However, having stayed with my first boyfriend for nearly 18 years now, I have never actually been through a break-up of any kind before. I don't quite know how to handle it or how to get through it.

Thanks to everyone who has been patient enough to read all this. I am listening and moving on, honest. x

Cutting all contact is the only way forward.

Now you need to concentrate on your marriage and what you want out of it or, if it's too late, how you take steps to end it.

Have you any rl friends or family you can confide in?

OK, step one, believe him that he does'nt want contact, are you going to be selfish and run after him or are you going to be a nice person and let him go?

So delete his number from your phone right now.... have you done it? Go on, get it done.

You will feel sad and lonely for a while, and it will be painful, of course normally if you break up with someone you can tell your friends and family and people will support you/distract you, however you're going to have to slap on a brave face and bottle it all up. Your DH might notice something is wrong, but don't tell him unless you are ready to leave your marriage - it might be tempting to tell him as you are so bursting with pain etc, but don't, at least, not yet. Give yourself at least 2 months to think about it, do'nt end your marriage until you've had time to think clearly about it.

I'm going to let him go this time

We've been down this road before and I've always been able to tempt him back (or sometimes he comes back of his own accord).

This time he seems a lot more definite and I would be silly to keep chasing, I think.

In some ways, the relief of no longer guarding my phone with my life feels good.

But the pain, the missing him, the finality of it. I am constantly on the verge of tears.

How do you cope with the finality? That's the worst part. There's been a few times over the years that I have come close to splitting with dh, and it was always not being able to cope with the finality of that which kept me in the relationship.

have you deleted his number yet?

The finality seems like a big deal now, but soon you'll get used to the fact he's not part of your life, but only if you do cut him out completely.

You might need a new project, you've been giving a man you've not seen for a long time a lot of headspace, you need something else.