I have been letting this bloke string me along for nearly a year now, and I just don't know why I am allowing it to happen.

[DreamStory]

I feel like such a fool.

I am married. He is married. We both settled down very young and are now in our late 30's. We have 5 primary school aged children between us.

We used to work together and gradually became very good friends. I was never physically attracted to him when we first met.

Over time, we became very close and it was obvious to both of us that if things were different, we could be very happy together.

Physically, we have never taken things any further than kissing. Indeed, since I have moved departments we very rarely see each other at all, but do keep in touch on a daily basis.

I would love to see him again, but we seem to be going round in circles. He talks about how much he misses me, and how often he thinks about me, but as soon as I suggest meeting up he goes quiet. So then I back off a bit, keep the chit-chat more casual until eventually he starts to talk about how he would "love to see me but......"

He has always been a very loyal and devoted family man, so the whole thing was very unexpected really. He says that he will never do anything to jeopardise his family's happiness, but yet he his happy to stay up late nearly every night texting me, telling me I'm special, and umming & ahhing about meeting up.

I expect that I am going to get crucified for this on here, but I just can't help how I feel. The dawning realisation that I would be quite prepared to take this relationship further given half a chance has hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought that I would be capable of that.

In a way, a part of me is grateful to him for not allowing me to do that. I'm sure that many blokes would have let me chuck my marriage away by now. He is far too kind and decent for that (but of course, this just makes me like him more).

I know, I know. I need to be told all this.

SGB - Yes, I think there definitely was an element of subcouciously 'choosing' a man who is unavailable to me. I am really not sure that I would ever have started this whole thing if OM was single. For one, he would have been all over me like a rash if he was single and that would have put me right off!

As far as dh is concerned, he is not bad or negative towards me in any way.
He just has no need or desire for either emotional or physical closeness with anyone. And to that end, it kind of makes him a very dull person. He has no 'spark' for anything, he rarely (if ever) shows any kind of feeling for anyone or anything, and I find it hard to have an intellectual conversation with him of any kind.

He has always been like this, but in my younger years the 'chemistry' between us and the physical attraction was enough for me to see past these 'faults'.

As I get older and different things are becoming important to me in a relationship, this chasm between the types of people that myself and dh are, is getting bigger and bigger.

I wish we could get past it because I am still attracted to him on some level, and we have the perfect family set-up which I just can't face destroying.

Quint - ironically, I think that the reason 'he's just not that into me' despite the attraction is because he is smart enough and astute enough to see right through me.

So whilst he has enjoyed all the attention and flattery I have lavished on him, he also is aware of how much of a nob that makes me, and that for him would be a deal-breaker as far as any 'proper' relationship is concerned.

And in a cruel twist of affairs, it is exactly that level of emotional awareness that I think is very attractive in a man, and something which dh could never posess in a million years.

"So whilst he has enjoyed all the attention and flattery I have lavished on him, he also is aware of how much of a nob that makes me"

What kind of a nob does that make HIM..he is not some lovely "emotionally aware" man, but a creep who messes around with women and strings them along behind his wife's back, I wish you could see this!!

He sounds like a creep. No decent man would behave as he is doing towards his wife. He is not 'emotionally aware', he is manipulative. Has he told you you are the most beautiful woman who has ever paid him attention? If you believe that then you are more of a fool than you think you are.

As you for you, well you have made your bed by marrying someone purely based on looks. I am somewhat at your vanity, but if it makes you feel better.

Sort out your marriage, or end it. Then you are free to go and peruse as many ugly men as you wish and stun them all into submission with your divine beauty.

He doesn't sound all that nice actually. It also sounds as though (sorry) you're a bit of a trophy 'pull' for him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy, but he isn't actually offering you any real emotion or affection either.

Whatever else you do about your marriage etc, I would seriously let this go. Just go no contact. He isn't really offering you anything and no good can come of it.

Give yourself a few months to get over it then have a real think about what you want to do about your marriage, for your husband's sake as well as yours.

It makes him a pretty big nob, and you more insightful than you give yourself credit for.

Move on. It wont end well for either party!

Oh, how I wish I could see him the way you lot are seeing it.

I can see exactly how it must come across on here and I'm sure if I read this story about someone else, I would be saying much the same as all you.

BUT, I know him. And I knew him for a long time before all this. I know he is not lying when he talks about how devoted he is to his kids. I know how naturally kind and considerate he is. I know how funny and insightful he can be. I've seen all this for myself long before we messed our friendship up for good.

To be honest, I would never have predicted that any woman would have been able to turn his head in this way. But now I know how he feels about me, I am just feeling sorry for myself that all I'll ever have is scraps of affection from a man that just not available.

Actually OP, your problem is that you see yourself only in terms of man-pleasing ie you are only 'real' if a man is paying you attention and praising your good looks and charm. There is so much more to life, even though sex is nice and compliments a good thing.

Do you and your H have sex much? If not, who is not interested? If you are the one who isn't so keen, is this because H is rubbish at it, or has 'let himself go' not so much in terms of aging but (for instance) not being all that picky about his personal hygiene? Or is it that he isn't fussed about sex now you've got DC, as long as his dinner's on the table?

As to the OM it sounds like he is more flattered by your attentions than actually interested in you, which really does mean that you are heading for trouble if you carry on pursuing him. Depending on his ego and his ethics, he might decide to 'concentrate on his marriage' by telling you firmly to leave him alone - or he might (if he's very hung up on an image of himself as a Righteous Man) decide that you deserve some kind of public shaming, and tell his wife and work colleagues that you have been throwing yourself and him and are desperate...

got to post and run as making dinner but if you are putting up with this umming and ahhing or you want to understand him/yourself, you need to read this. Best book I have ever read.

"I know him so well" "he's wonderful", noble blah blah

You are in lala land.

What an utterly pointless, depressing "relationship" to be engaged in. That was my first thought. You don't have five children between you. What you have between you is of so little value I don't think it's worth even counting up. So utterly pointless and depressing is my final thought too.

I think this bloke's attraction is that he is married and hasn't quite fallen for your charms. I think you want to conquer him, prove something to yourself and then step away from the wreckage, with your marriage intact, even if his is a wreck.

In other words you're a game-player who only wants men she thinks she can't have. Just like your husband was a conquest and a feather-in-your-cap, but that victory has long worn off.

I hope this guy sees this for what it is and gets some strength to stay away from you, because there's no chance you'll stop trying to get him to change his mind until you think you've won a very dangerous game.

Ever thought about counselling to find out why you're like this?

Everyone at your works knows, you realise.

Don't think for a minute that you've kept it under wraps and no-one's aware, because they are.

I met DH at work. Within a couple of weeks of getting together and both knowing right away that it was serious, we 'came out'. Baiscally, to nix the gossip, since we were both fully aware of all the gossip surrounding all the other 'couples', including the married ones 'doing it in secret'. We both then fairly swiftly moved onto other jobs in other companies since working together and being a couple at work no longer felt quite right nor professional.

People are sniggering about your 'amazing connection' and your carry on behind your back. Believe me.

We were both single when we got together, just to clarify.

Oh, and another thought - I recently started a new job; been there about 4 months now.

I'm aware of every single coupling on our floor, official or otherwise. And most of the gossip has been passed on by blokes.

Make of that what you will.

"To be honest, I would never have predicted that any woman would have been able to turn his head in this way."

Those words tell us everything. You're already bigging yourself up that you've achieved something no woman has before. But that's not enough for you anymore. You want the sacrifice to be bigger and more dramatic, because that will validate you in a way that nothing else in life does.

This is therefore your problem. You are your problem. I feel very sorry for your husband, kids and the other bloke's wife and kids. They don't know it, but they are all casualties of a game-player who gets her kicks this way other than more grown up ways of self-validation. I also feel a bit sorry for this bloke to be honest. I hope you're right and he sees right through you, but he should stop faffing about and keep well away from you. Maybe he knows you're a drama llama and wants to keep things reasonably pleasant so that you don't kick off and ruin things for him at work and home? He probably knows he's been an old fool but thinks he's got himself into a bit of a mess and doesn't know how to get out of it without collateral damage.

So while you're sat thinking you're some femme fatale, he might be thinking you're dangerous.

Texting eachother has enabled you to carry on the fantasy. You can be so much more in a text, whoever you want to be, you can say far more than face to face. I'm presuming this is how you mostly communicate now?

How would you feel if his wife found out about your texts? She may at this moment have a feeling that all is not well with OM and like countless MNetters go snooping. How do you think OM would respond to her about you?

I would delete his number, try and move on and work things out with your dh, you're now putting all your time and energy into thinking of OM and distancing yourself from dh, pulling apart your relationship, making excuses because of your feelings for OM. It won't end well if you continue the path you want to take.

I think the bottom line is you are playing with fire and will get burned..if you dont think you can handle your DH finding out you should step away now.

But you won't...

I hope his wife does find out. Because if she's a shrewd woman she'll realise what's going on here and will lambast her husband for getting so easily sucked in by an emotional vampire. She'll probably find it hard to believe this just stopped at kissing but hopefully she'll have the sense to see that although her husband has been devastatingly stupid and naive, it's no great surprise that her Mr. Reliable was knocked off his feet by someone who'd been massaging his middle-aged ego. Because that's the point. The OP seems to think this is some great victory, but frankly anyone who put her mind to it could flatter and tempt someone who's been in a relationship for a long time who thought all those buzzy feelings were a thing of the past. Especially a man she so obviously thinks is beneath her in the beauty pecking order. It's no biggie or great achievement, even for someone who gets validated this way rather than through meaningful achievements, at work or at home. This man sounds weak but also like he's trying to "manage" the situation by keeping the OP on side. If his wife finds out, he won't have to do that any more and he can breathe a sigh of relief that he didn't completely lose all his senses. I just hope his wife believes what is the truth and sees this for what it was - and that he doesn't lose his marriage because he's been stupid enough to get played.

Yes its all the OPs fault for leading the poor innocent man astray

Unbelievable

Ok, so update from last night.

He has been in touch to say that he can't get me out of his head, and that he is shocked by his own feelings.

But he STILL, has not made any suggestion of meeting up.

I think actually what he wants is not to feel the way he does because he knows no good can come of it for anybody.

Of course, I can see this too. But at the moment I just can't get past the "want to see him, want to see him" thoughts.

Why can't I get these feelings under control and listen to what my own head is telling me?

Thanks to so many of you that had the patience to reply to this. I have taken all of it on board. There are some very insightful comments and opinions here that are really helping me to ask big questions of myself.

Scapegoat - you may well be closer to the mark than I would care to admit. I do wonder how interested in him I would be if he was there and available to me.

Sgb - probably my relationship with dh is a massive part of what had led to this. We very very rarely have sex, and I clearly have such a strong need to be desired, it is killing me

I don't agree that people at work must know.

Op you clearly know you have to stop this relationship which seems to be just texts. Unfortunately because the two of you have dressed it up as an extra special friendship it seems, well, impolite to end it.
But you know you must.

Either block his number , he'll soon get the message.
Or tell him in a short text you are calling time on the friendship.

It's a good job he hasn't agreed to meeting up.

Do you hate your dh? Do you want to hurt him? Does he deserve to be badly treated?

Stop obsessing about what you want from this OM and start thinking about the fallout.

End your marriage if it's dead in the water but stop pissing about dreaming dreamy dreams of stolen romance with this bloke. It's not romantic, it's not twue wuv, it's just two bored marrieds seeking a sordid, selfish ego-boost.

"Why can't I get these feelings under control and listen to what my own head is telling me?"

Because he keeps flattering your ego.
Flattering your ego gives him an adrenaline kick, he knows how it makes you react.

Furthermore, he is not a nice and sincere man. If he cared one ounce about you, and/or his wife, he would keep his feelings to himself rather than spout emotional crap to a married woman just "for fun".