My fault for being tired and stressed?

[incidentalcontinental]

Me and my fiance haven't had sex since the 17th of September and my only excuse, apart from being away for a week with my friend, is that I'm just bloody knackered and stressed and, at the end of the day, just don't feel up to it. I'm also on quite a high dose of anti-depressants, which I know doesn't help. The stress and tiredness are coming from the fact that we're getting married in a fortnight and I'm trying to get as much of my PhD done before we go away on honeymoon as possible. Before all this, we were doing it 1-2 times per week, and our sex life was good. I thought this was fine, but he said it was nowhere near that much (I beg to differ). He's a good, kind man, but I hate the way he is when I don't respond to sexual advances. If I'm trying to sleep and he starts making moves on me and I don't respond, he just turns the other way and huffs really loudly. This morning he was really in a mood with me and said we've got a big problem.

I understand that he needs love and intimacy as much as any of us, but I feel really upset that he's getting angry for me for being tired. What am I meant to do? When I'm so knackered I can barely walk to bed? Just man up and get on with it for his sake? I feel that's wrong, but I know he feels I don't want him. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but right now I don't know what to say or do. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm 27.

OMC: Well, having a wank while in bed with your partner-who-doesn't-want-sex-right-now seems fairly reasonable or at least a matter for couples to agree their own preferences on. HOWEVER a man who is already behaving in an entitled selfish way might 'agree' that this is the answer but it will be accomplished with loud grunting and groaning, constant bumping of the partner's elbow or side and quite possibly spraying her with jizz and going 'oops, sorry, but you said you weren't in the mood for sex so I had to have a wank.'

Couples can cope just fine with mismatched sex drives when they respect and love each other. Unfortunately, the most common reason for a 'mismatch' in sex drives is that the man expects his partner to service him domestically and emotionally as well as sexually - ie he does NO domestic work or childcare and then gets his cock out. It's hard to feel desire for someone who is treating you like a servant; it turns sex into one more chore for his benefit rather than something enjoyable.

It sounds a lot like this is what is happening to the OP, and no fucking wonder she's depressed.

Think carefully about whether you want to continue in this relationship OP. Stropping and sulking about sex is incredibly childish and mean and indicates a very worrying sense of entitlement on your DF's part. It would be fine if he sat down and said "I'm finding this lack of sex quite difficult" although to be fair, it's not even been a month! I have said to my DH in the past that I would like more sex and he was fine with that - he admitted that tiredness/laziness gets in the way and we've both made more effort. But, if he said he just wasn't up for it I would totally accept that and perhaps ask about ways I could help to make him less stressed/tired, in the hopes of making him feel better and of course with the natural side effect of his sex drive perhaps going up.

Think to the future - once you have a baby you might not want sex for a year or more. Trying to deal with a stropping selfish husband while looking after a baby would be pure hell.

You need to have a serious talk about this.

You can stick your passive-aggressive flowers up your arse and have a wank whilst you do it, OMC! You can call them odd ideas about abuse and privacy, I'll stick to being thankful I have a lovely DH who doesn't think like you.

lol at 'shame issues'

If either my DH or I were not up for sex, and the other person started wanking in bed right next to them, I'd think that was incredibly passive-aggressive.

If it's okay in your relationship, fine, no judgment, but I hardly think it's weird to refrain from wanking right next to a spouse just trying to read or sleep or whatever. Nothing to do with shame, just respect.

I couldn't agree with you more, dreamingbohemian.

Oh and solidgoldbrass deserves a medal for this:

"Don't marry him, dump him. Then you should be able to come off the ADs. What is often labelled depression in women should be more accurately labelled 'living with a man who considers women less than human.' That's what's happening to you."

I wish to god I'd had MN when I had antidepressants, thinking I was going mad.

OP, you'll be married a long time and over the years there will be many times when you don't want/can't have sex. I think his sense of entitlement will be even greater then and you will suffer the results.

You're so young. Twenty seven with a PhD - it's a fantastic situation to be in. Why tie yourself down to someone like this? The world is your oyster - let him go and go off and have fun.

Hiya Imperial -- haven't run into you lately, hope you're well

OP she's right -- now should be a fantastic time for you, you should have lots of opportunities. I understand you saying it's just with sex you have some issues, but if you read the boards here you will see that this is a huge part of relationship breakdowns, so really be sure this can be resolved before you marry him.

Re the wanking thing, sometimes when I've not been up for sex I've said to DH I don't mind if he has a wank. He won't, purely because he feels it's disrespectful to wank right next to someone who really isn't in the mood for sex. I don't mind really, but I appreciate the fact that he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable at all. I think most decent men would feel the same. Mutual wanking as part of a sex session is fine, and an altogether different thing. Like dreaming said, it's not a shame thing, it's about respect.

I find it scary how people go into marriage when there's something even the slightest bit wrong with the other person. I wish I'd been forced into a discussion before I got married. I wish I'd been on here. OP, take what you can from the experiences of people on MN. You don't want to look back and wonder why the hell you married him.

Yes, if you look at any thread on here about sexual problems in the relationship, the big question is, did you have these problems before you were married? if so, why did you marry him?

Maybe your fiance is a good guy who just needs to grow up a bit (is he also 27?) But best to make sure really.

OMC. You're post at 20.07 made me laugh with its detailed explanation of the conversation.

I do agree that its perfectly find to masturbate next to each other as long as you are both happy with that. My partner and i have often done that. Its not a big deal. Of course if the other person isn't happy with it then it shouldn't happen.

What usually happens with us is that my partner starts wanking and then i get, ahem, a bit turned on at the sound of him having pleasure (can't think of a better word so sorry if that's a bit yucky) and then we end up having sex!

With me its only if i can't sleep as it helps me drop off.

Op, i think you should have a serious talk with your fiance!

I disagree, fuckadoodle. I think in the period up to getting seriously involved/married you should just watch what someone's like. Think about whether you want someone who behaves like that.

If she speaks to him, she may get an apology that will fool her into marrying him. Then, the next time there's stress in her life, the likelihood is he'll behave the same way. I don't think people really change. Their characters don't change. If you dislike an aspect of someone's character, then you shouldn't marry them.

Yeah i see what you mean.

Fuckadoodle, or anyone else this applies to, I just wondered how it was going with your partner who you said had issues about rejection that he's actively dealing with? Has he managed to deal with this issues? I ask because this thread echoes my experiences with my partner. We've been together 7 years and have a 3 and a 1 year old. We have a lovely relationship, don't argue and are happy except for when it comes to sex. This is where we have serious arguments and have been driven to total despair - him because he can't even begin to understand why I don't want to be bonking at least 3 times a week (he really doesn't get it) and me because I cannot match his energy and WISH he would respect/understand/accept that. I'm TIRED, worn out, a working mum who still hasn't caught up from two pregnancies, births etc hot on the heels of each other. I've said to him over and over again that the worst thing he can do is keep pressurising me for sex and he sort of accepts that (grudgingly) and DOES try but then can't help himself (partly because, I think, he just can't imagine how a human being doesn't want it). Thing is, he eases off the pressure (but it's still there in the air to be honest) and then expects me to be begging for it within days of him doing this. So, it's very much a 'ok, I'll ease off as long as I'm rewarded - and quickly' attitude. It's not one of genuine compassion and respect. And therefore it hasn't helped me to regain my mojo AT ALL. So now we're in the position where he feels he's spent a lot of time keeping quiet about his needs and yet things haven't changed (which is giving him something else to complain to me about - or feel hard done to about) and I feel like the pressure's pretty much stayed constant which is working to kill any tiny sex drive I might have remaining.

I seriously don't know what to do.

Well I just used to fake it for a bit of peace and quiet. But will get blasted with criticism on here. However, we have been married 30 years and there was no mumsnet when it was realy problem (ie had babies and small dcs).

But I wanted to say that to feel as exhausted as the posters here (OP and Ellelie) it suggests they are stressed rather than just tired, unless they are getting v little sleep. Assuming OP's partner has as much on his shoulders as she does regarding wedding and any other stuff the pHD work should make you mentally tired but not unable to walk to the bed.

But if you feel 'everything' is up to you and you aren't being supported you end up feeling put upon and angry (repressed) at the one whose life is easier and resentful that they heap more demands on you ie sex.

So are the partners doing they're share?

Ellielie. I've posted recently about my dhs issues in this thread if you don't mind looking there. Think i went into more detail than here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1587021-Want-my-partner-to-move-out?msgid=34751300#34751300

at the moment he has just started counselling but he is on medication which helps a lot too. I do recognise most of what you say. The pressure always being there even if unspoken etc.

Ellie. I also wanted to say that it was very slow progress with my dh. For a long time he just used to walk into the room and ask if i wanted to have sex while i was doing other very non sexy things. He didn't get that his approach wouldn't get me in the mood. He doesn't do that now but the approach is still lacking. I also experienced that thing you mentioned where they lay off for a few days and you can feel the expectation building. Its shit because there is nothing more guaranteed to turn you off. A while back when his depression was really bad he even said that he had said before we tried for children that he didn't want things to change, meaning our sex life, and was unhappy that they had. I couldn't remember him saying that but pointed out that it was ridiculous! You can't have children and not expect your sex life to take a hit. He would say we should make time, make time? out of what? What had to give because time doesn't come out of nowhere. So if something gave it would be my sleep or my time to chill and relax. The whole thing turned into a chore.

His depression is a contributing factor but can't entirely be blamed on that. He also behaved like a dick!

I hated feeling as though his sexual satisfaction (emotional issues or not) was my responsibility. It made me feel like a sex toy!

Fuckadoodle, or anyone else this applies to, I just wondered how it was going with your partner who you said had issues about rejection that he's actively dealing with?

Where did you find that btw? I don't think i wrote that on this thread.

SGB, who is really on the money in this thread, pointed out that masturbation in bed is fine as a healthy compromise between two people who love and care about each other's needs. In other couples, one of those needs might be for solo masturbation to happen only in private. So they wouldn't do it in each other's presence. There's no universal rule about such matters.

The key, as ever, is the caring about one another's needs. Everyone, as far as I'm aware, needs to be respected when they can't face sex for whatever reason. Nagging, sulking, backbiting and whining are not respectful. Incidentalcontinental, he's putting his own wishes far ahead of yours and is making it clear he feels entitled to your body. As he's doing this before the wedding, I am chilled by the thought of what he'll do after. Even my cunt of an ex waited until I'd signed the register before revealing the extent of his contempt.

It takes courage to call off a wedding. You're honouring yourself by doing a PhD - there's one more, equally significant self-honouring decision you can take right now.

Mumsnet will hold your hand.

Fuckadoodle, it was on the other thread linked just above your post. I'm sure it's bad manners to cross-refer threads but understandable under the circs, surely?

I regret my post addressed to fuckadoodle. Not my issue and I only read very quickly. Apologies.

Well Im confused but no offense taken.

:)

Oh god, sorry! I thought you had. I was browsing all the threads that seemed to have anything to do with this subject so I read a lot of different things and I must have got muddled. Sorry.

Thanks for your reply though; what you say really resonates with me.. really. My partner's response is also that I should make time. He complains bitterly that we stay up watching Breaking Bad/Homeland/Game of Thrones etc until 10pm when we could be prioritising having sex. It's a lot of pressure! But then I start thinking maybe he's right, and I'm the freak, which is awful too. But it still doesn't make me want to do it (of course it doesn't!).

Actually, right now I'm sitting on the sofa writing this and I can hear him getting ready for bed. He's been away for two nights and I'm absolutely expected to be desperate for sex with him. I'm not. So, I'm going to sign off and go upstairs and who knows what I'll do to negotiate the situation - but I wish there wasn't one! I wish it wasn't this tense.

Thanks so much for your sympathetic replies...

x

Elle, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that your husband is absolutely being unreasonable, and you should not feel pressured into sex at all.

It's understandable he is frustrated but how can he even enjoy it if he knows you aren't really into it? Shouldn't that be a big turn off for him? Is he not capable of taking care of his own needs for a while?

All these married men who can't go without sex, what did they do when they were single for long stretches? surely they have coping mechanisms.

Again, I don't think anyone should have to put up with no sex for no reason forever, but life with small children is hard and I think we should all be gentle with each other. It's part of the selflessness that comes with young children, I think.

Anyway I'm sure you will find lots of good advice on here, from counseling to date nights or what have you, but I just wanted to say that you should not feel expected to have sex when you don't want it.