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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

desperately need help please

45 replies

littlemissangrypants · 10/10/2012 21:46

I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I can't see a way out. Not even sure where to post as this is so odd. I split up with my ex nearly 2 years ago due to violence. We have two sons 11 and 12. I met a new guy and then I started work.
I'm now working nearly 60 hours a week and my partner is looking after my kids. I rarely see my kids and i don't feel like I still parent them at all. I know i messed up but i'm very low already so please don't kick me when I'm down. looks like due to hours and other things my relationship is falling apart. I can't keep my children because I have no overnight childcare.
My ex wont have them and when he does have them i have to pay him to babysit. Now tonight I realised that I just can't cope anymore with everything. I also have a heart condition and I just can't cope anymore.I told my ex to take the kids and now i need to find somewhere for them all to life and I need to work even more hours to pay for it all.

Please give me something to help me through the night as i don't know what to do. I just want to do the best by my boys. I had a mother who gave me up and left me to be abused so this hurts a lot but i'm just no good for my boys right now

OP posts:
Doha · 10/10/2012 21:50

Why does this fall on you?
You do NOT need to pay your EX to BABYSIT his own DC's.
First step is get yourself down to your GP and get a sickline for a week or so-you are sound exhausted.

izzyizin · 10/10/2012 21:51

Why are you working 60 hours a week if you have a 'heart condition'?

ninah · 10/10/2012 21:52

It sounds like your current relationship isn't helping you. If you were to separate, could you cut back on work hours? It's just that you mention you only started working when partner could look after dc - could you not go back to how it was before?
There is no way you should be paying the dc's father to look after them.
When you say he was violent, how is he with them?
There is a way forward, I'm sure.

lisad123 · 10/10/2012 21:54

I'm sorry, I would rather give up my job than my kids!!

CrikeyOHare · 10/10/2012 21:54

Why are you working such long hours? Is it financial need, or does your job require it? Any chance of cutting back? And are you getting all the tax credits etc that you're entitled to? Is your ex paying maintenance?

Also - re: childcare, would an au pair be a solution?

Sorry, I'm crap at giving advice, but I'm so sorry that you're so low at the moment :(

NorksAreMessy · 10/10/2012 22:01

There is a positive CLAMOUR if Spanish girls wanting to come and be au pairs in UK at the moment. Might that help.

Agree that your ex is, for example, an arse if he is being PAID to babysit his kids. That needs to be sorted

Am worried that you are working such long hours. Can you translate that into working fewer hours at a better paid job?

Hassled · 10/10/2012 22:01

The only way out of this is to stop working insane hours. It's doing you no good, it's doing your family no good.

So work out what you need to make life copeable with. Standard FT of 37 - 40 hours? Would that make it all OK? Because that is normality for most people. There's no way you should be paying your DCs father to babysit - and if that's his attitude towards his children, there's probably no way he is being a good father. So are you sure you want them to spend more time together?

Stop the crazy hours and it will all work out OK. If you're working this much to clear debt, go and see the CAB and work out other ways.

Original poster
littlemissangrypants · 10/10/2012 22:01

i was made to take this job by A4E. I can't cut my hours and have been told if i leave the job all benefits would stop. Work make me do those hours and they are likely to increase. I am away overnight at least twice a week. I just really feel like ly kids need a parent.
My ex is an ok parent except that he smokes weed. I just wish there was a way for me to fix this all. My partner is a wonderful man but scared of taking us on full time. I don't mean financially but actually having us with him all the time. I love my kids but i can't do this alone. My ex doesn't help out much at moment. He sees the kids for five -ten hours a week but wont really have them overnight

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/10/2012 22:06

There is a 48 hour working week regulation - they cannot force you to work more than that unless you have chosen to opt out of the 48 hour limit.

Original poster
littlemissangrypants · 10/10/2012 22:10

I didn't opt out. I know what work are doing is wrong and A4E are aware too. I told them I can't work those hours. I am barely sleeping and I don't get to eat on shift. I work 24 shifts at a time. I don't sleep in that time either. I really think i'm slowly going insane. When i'm at home i still can't sleep as i have the kids to look after. My partner is helping as much as he can but it's not his job. It's meant to be mine but i'm failing so badly

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/10/2012 22:12

What type of employment do you have? Have you been required to sign an opt out of the 48 hour week legal maximum?

Original poster
littlemissangrypants · 10/10/2012 22:13

Care work with agency but I did not sign opt out

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/10/2012 22:14

Apologies, I didn't spot Hassled's question.
Call the Pay and Work Rights Helpline on 0800 917 2368 tomorrow. It's a free call to a confidential service.

CrikeyOHare · 10/10/2012 22:26

OP - you need to get some proper advice, I feel. All of your benefits would not stop if you gave up work - that much I do know. You would still get your CTC & would also get housing costs paid because the state would have a responsibility to your children, if not to you.

You'd probably be much worse off financially - but you'd have your health, and your children would have you.

Get down to the CAB asap and really find out where you stand. This isn't right.

izzyizin · 10/10/2012 22:34

Despite the 'glowing testimonials' on their website, 4AE are a questionable organisation.

As advised by Doha, get to your GP tomorrow and get signed off sick - I'm not au fait with the system but I believe you self-certificate for the first week and it's doctor's certificates thereafter.

Doha · 10/10/2012 22:50

izzi you are right you can self certificate for a week BUT the GP can write a sick line if he wants without the weeks self certificate. It was really introduced to reduce GP visits for illnesses which could resolve within a week.
I don't think in this case a week would be enough and a 2 week one would be issued immediatly.
Please OP get some time out to regain your own health then you start sorting out your working hours and childcare.
Does your EX pay anthing towards your DC's

DeckSwabber · 10/10/2012 22:52

First off, have a >

So who has the children right now? Are they with your ex?

izzyizin · 10/10/2012 22:58

Follow Doha's advice, get yourself signed off sick for a fortnight tomorrow, and call the Pay & Rights helpline.

Feckbox · 10/10/2012 23:02

You can't work 60 hours a week. It will kill you.

I work about 35 in a very high stress job, have three kids and a supportive partner and I feel on the brink a lot of the time

Dryjuice25 · 10/10/2012 23:20

So this man is buying weed by money that is supposed to feed his kids? That is out of order. He is supposed to pay child maintenance, not the other way round....

60 hours is two much!!! Can you negotiate to work on one week on one week off basis?

coolmango · 10/10/2012 23:20

Take a deep breath and focus on what you can change.

Can you work part time / reduced hours. If your wage is lower Benefits may be able to top up housing and support. I would also speak to tax credits and see if you could still manage financially with fewer hours. CAB may be best for this as they deal with it as a whole instead of individual departments.

I can believe your EX has asked you for money for babysitting HIS OWN children as I have had something similar lately. You need to refuse this and either pay a neighbour or ideally an ofsted childminder, ( tax credits will then cover around 70% of childcare).

I would also look at getting another job with better hours, preferably within the company you work, but if not, what the hell ...kids come first. I know I have taken many minimum wage jobs just so I can make the kids dinner etc..

As I said you could reduce hours, (I know this means wage), but still get a top up from Tax credits, DSS, and even if you own your own home you can occasionally get the interest paid on your mortgage.

If none of these are acceptable options and your DP is good with your kids then stop beating yourself up about providing food on the table and a nice home to live in. Once they are older and have kids of their own they will appreciate it.

lostpigeon · 10/10/2012 23:27

you can opt in/out whenever you want of the 48 hour thing whenever you want

Offred · 10/10/2012 23:51

With children under 16 you are legally entitled to flexible working. Fuck a4e try calling ACAS to sort out your working hours.

izzyizin · 11/10/2012 00:01

Go sick and get Pay&Rights onto 4AE - they're long overdue to have their collar felt by a government agency appear before a parliamentary commission.

Who's told you your benefits will be stopped if you leave this job? Are you getting minimum wage? Do you have a contract of employment - if so, what are your official hours as shown on your contract and are you paid overtime for hours worked in excess of those shown?

springyhope · 11/10/2012 00:16

No wonder you're going nuts if you're working insane hours, not getting any sleep and not eating.

I think you are going nuts and you're not thinking straight. Go off sick as the others are saying, get some sleep and then get on to the agencies mentioned upthread.

Bless you, you're exhausted and going off your head with it ((hug))

don't give up your boys . I don't know who A4E are but I wonder if a journalist somewhere may be interested in your story...

But see to all of that when you've had some sleep. Your ex sounds like he's a waste of space - pay for him to babysit his own kids ??? fuck that - they're his kids and he should be paying you not the other way around.

anyway, get some sleep and get into a normal rhythm before you tackle all this stuff. I suggest you sleep for a week (overnight I mean) and then the following week start tackling things bit by bit.

we're here for you. YOu're not a machine ((another hug))