Any advice for teenage DS?

[Lancelottie]

DS (age 14) is panicking. He's been pursued via Facebook (damn the site) for a while by a girl who is very, very keen on him. She's persuaded him to change his status to 'in a relationship' and is now bombarding him with messages asking about the way he is looking at other girls, thinking about them, etc, etc.

He says they've only had 'a couple of really awkward hugs', he doesn't fancy her, and she's scaring him, but that he can't turn her down publicly by changing his Facebook back again straight away.

She has a history of self-harm, apparently, and a worryingly possessive streak. Red flags all over the place, in other words.

Does he just ride this out for a few weeks until it's less of an immediate kick in the teeth? Or is that horribly dishonest? He's certainly not a happy bunny.

age 14?
i would ask him if he would like me to intervene.

I think he needs to deactivate his account.

If he is so vulnerable that he can be 'persuaded' to change his status to 'in a relationship' with someone of his own age who sounds a little unstable, then he's clearly not mature or sensible enough to have a FB account, or even to be using the Internet unsupervised in my opinion.

totally, whonicked...

maybe ban him from facebook for 6 months?

Facebook jas a lot to answer for, agree he needs to deacivate fb for a while and give the situation a chance to cool down.

And he can blame you...thus saving face...but be prepared that if she's local more direct action may be required and also by him.

Maybe he could try threatening her that if she keeps sending him messages at the present rate he will change his status back to no relationship. And that, anyway, he doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone until he's older.

This 'in a relationship' thing seems to be soooo important to them and maybe she will calm down rather than risk the 'humiliation' of not being in a relationship with him. Then he can dump her when she gets bored.

Yep. I think I agree about the Facebook. First time it's proved a problem, but there we go.

It started as a useful way of getting hold of friends for meet-ups and homework, and keeping in touch with cousins/distant friends, so this has been a bit of a surprise.

The other half of the problem is that he'll see her daily at school, though. Can't really deactivate that one!

Right. A plan. Facebook access will be removed (thus leaving his 'status' intact but no messages), and he'll have to deal with the awkward hugs part of it himself!

Tell him to grow some balls and tell her he's not interested!

He can remove the relationship status bit on Facebook all together, so change his status to single then make it invisible to everyone or something.

But I agree she needs telling and dealing with before it gets out of hand.

He's worried she'll harm herself, he says (not minimising this one, though it's in no way his job to deal with it).

As for growing balls -- his voice has barely broken! bit of a rough intro to the world of girls, poor old chap.

could you involve the school - speak to her parents? I would make as many people aware as possible and let them deal with her - in the nicest possible way of course, but it sounds like the poor girl needs professional help and it seems rotten that your lad is feeling he needs to shoulder responsibility for her.

Fergoose, that's an idea. His school are generally on the ball about this sort of thing, and I'm in there on Thurs anyway to talk to them about something else.

I've removed the laptop (and DH's ipod, to be on the safe side).

He could block her, she wouldn't even be able to search him then. He could just say he's decided to give FB a break for a while.

Personally, as I know my Son's login details (he's not allowed an account otherwise) I would probably login myself & block her then change the status to single.

Probably an idea to notify the school (head of year) explaining the whole situation & suggest they inform her parents unless you know them to talk to?

Have asked school to keep a discreet eye on both.