Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

I wouldn't need to leave him. He only gets his visa to be here through me. I work full time. The house is mine. The car is mine. Everything is mine. I could book him a flight back to the uk and cancel his visa tomorrow if I wanted. The only way my life would change at all is that he wouldn't be in it.

But if I did that the kids would never see their father and would be brought up by a nanny not by me. He would be completely destitute, no job, would go bankrupt because I pay his debts at the moment and would also be homeless. I couldn't do that to him. I just couldn't. If I wait things can be arranged so he gets a visa in his own right has an income and could stay out here and be a part of his children's lives.

Middle East.

You don't OWE it to him to keep him afloat though. If he sinks without you then he sinks without you. Although I'm sure he wouldn't , it's part of a familiar poor me routine. Despite the fact that he has not treated you with respect I think he would shift all the blame for splitting up the family on to you if you left.

If you leave him, that won't stop him being a father. That will be down to HIM.

I arranged my whole life so I wouldn't be trapped in a relationship which I couldn't leave if I had to. And I've trapped myself because I don't want him to go. Not because I couldn't cope financially or practically or any other way. But because even though he is abusive if rather have him here than not. Why?

I know you won't tell him to leave and book him a flight home, but maybe the NEXT time he chokes you, you will. I've a feeling that your anger is not going to go away.

If my parents were dead I might leave him. But my unhappiness would devastate them. My dad has cancer. They need to believe I am happy and settled to be happy themselves.

You know what, me too Jenna. I'm almost waiting to see when I finally snap.

so he's a sahm dad in a country where women are nothing, and you're the big earner in a country where men are king. man. tricky.,

I'd go for counselling on your own, you need to think about what you OWE him. You say you cant' do it to him, like you would be responsible for his downward spiral even though he would have brought it on himself?

It'll happen alright. But don't 'go for him' like i did. After 7 years of my x pushing me and shoving me, a rougher shove, a sharper poke, I then lost it and pulled his hair. He brought that up at ever opportunity. Yes once I pulled his hair and he played the victim over that I tell you. And it made everybody think 'six of one and half a dozen of the other'. tough, but I wish I'd managed to resist lashing back because it achieved nothing .
he so clearly remembers that i pulled his hair but he doesn't remember that he kicked down doors to get at me (twice), choked me (twice) dropped my phone down the toilet (also twice). Plenty of pushing and shoving and finger jabbing as well. It's like it never happened to him though. except for when I pulled his hair. THAT he remembers with amazing lucidity

It's not that he wouldn't deserve it, he would. But I am just not that evil.

Ok I'd like to tie him up terrify and threaten him and possibly briefly cut off his airways but I can't obliterate his entire life and everything he cares for.

oh revenge, i hear you with your parents. I really felt like I was crawling back to my parents with my tail between my legs. But clouds have silver linings. my mother said she would never had had such a close relationship with grandchildren if things had worked out between me and x.

it is VERY difficult telling people, disappointing people, going somewhere the first time as a single parent, being the only single parent at some do! but that is not something that continues to hurt and humiliate you indefinitely. there comes a point before too long when it's like water off a duck's back. so don't make life changing (or staying) decisions based on what you think your parents will feel. Happiness isn't a charade behind a white picket fence. Your parents might be shocked, briefly, but you'll get to spend time with your dad and he can get to know his grandchildren a bit. Well, those would be some positivies. People come 'round to a new situation that shocked them fairly quickly ime. I do remember cringing as my mother wsa on the phone downstairs telling various relatives 'yes it's all over,,,, for good this time.... yes. " I was upstairs feeling embarrassed, but also, there was a little bit more freedom with every extra person that was told. I honestly couldn't give a care who thought what now. Even my x. and he had me SO WELL trained to be accutely conscious of all his needs!!! I saw every situation, even leaving him, especially leaving him, through his eyes. it actually took a while to EXPERIENCE leaving hm through my own eyes if that makes sense.

Yeah he would be the same. He loves to compare the minuscule things I do like "speaking to him in the wrong tone of voice" as being the same as screaming in my face (I've had the kicking door down thing too) or smashing a glass and saying "you're lucky I didn't smash this into your face". That kind of thing.

oh yeah, I used to say my x's name in a critical tone. !!!

anyway, the night i left my x, i lay there crying because I knew how betrayed and angry my x would be. I knew that he would compound all his fears and insecurities and his misogyny to be honest, and it felt like such a WEIGHT to have that on my shoulders. I cried for HIM when I left him, even though I was free after 7 -8 years of his weirdfuckedupness. And he wasn't exactly abused as a chidl, but his family are nuts. and were a bit over zealous with discipline.

Revenge I can see that you don't want to burden your parents further if they're dealing with your dad's illness, however, they have their own difficulties that they're dealing with (I can't imagine they're happy at present at all) and yes, knowing that you've been suffering with this man will be a blow to them, but, at the same time, seeing you picking yourself up, dealing with it and doing what needs to be done will make them proud of you and that will give you strength as well. You don't need to continue being a victim for the sake of appearances, its obvious you care about him but he's destroying you bit by bit. Your posts are revealing in that you are thinking about what to do next - make plans, think about those first steps that you need to take and try to move forwards ... baby steps.

........... so i felt that my leaving him would send him in to the gutter altogether. but you know what.. he seems to have survived it. I don't know if he's any more angry or screwed up since I left him but he doesn't behave any mroe screwed up or angry than he ever did. in fact, he can maintainn that cool superior facade now, which is preferable to him losing his temper.

I WANT to fight back when he gets like that. I never used to. I felt too scared now I do. I wanted to pick up the bedside lamp and smash him over the head with it when he attacked me on Saturday morning. Instead I just hissed his stepdad (abusers) name at him again and again and again (implying he was exactly the same) until he choked me. I have never hit anyone in my life. I'm extremely measured, I never shout, I never bitch or nag (was too scared so never got into the habit). But when he loses it I just think "no no no no no, I will not show fear I will not accept this I will not lay down and humble myself and beg him motto hurt me I WON'T".

Well, you aren't going to do it because you're not him, and it would make you as bad as he is, which you are not.

Now, please, don't just shrug us off. There are so many people here who have experienced it, seen it happen to people they do, deal with it professionally.

For babies to be in a situation like this, even though it is infrequent, is seriously bad. This situation will continue until you decide to stop it. It will be ongoing when your children have their first day at school, when they do their first school play, when they bring friends home for tea, when they have birthdays, Christmas, when they go up to secondary, when they leave and go to university, and on and on and on.

And all those years, you will be the occasional punchbag - if you're lucky. But you know that this behaviour will escalate, and it won't be twice a year forever.

And all those years, your children will learn either that they have to toe the line and walk on eggshells, or they will learn that they can treat you how they like.

I know you don't believe it will come to that. That they will never know. But they will. They will. Oh, how they will.

I bet your parents have a fair idea that you're not as happy as you'd like them to think as well.

If you present it to them as 'life on the UP' they'll accept your version.

eg, "I wasn't happy with x, but now I am happy to have got out of the situation. I'm so happy to be back in UK with my family, I'm so happy you will get to know the gc better, it's for the best that the children grow up here, get to know their cousins etc etc...'. present it well. Present it not as a marriage breakdown but an epiphany!

1. Why don't you tell him?

2. Then pack your bags and walk...if you refuse to cower he will go to extreme lengths one day to MAKE you and he may end up killing you.

Good lucl. xx

I feel like that too. Everyone in his life has either abandoned neglected or abused him. As a child he didn't deserve it, as an adult he has been cheated on and (perhaps understandably) left. I promised him I would be different. That I would never leave and for once in his life he could rely on someone to love him and be there always. And I meant it. If I leave him everyone will have left him or abused him or betrayed him from his earliest memories. I will have proven that he is unlovable. That no one will ever love him or stay with him. I feel responsible. For his view of humanity. For his sanity.

My god that's a heavy burden you've taken on and in return he has carte blanche to treat you, and maybe kids too, like shit. I think you're overestimating your power and influence frankly. And romanticising your relationship. Sounds unhealthy all round to me. Just my opinion of course

Yeah I'm overestimating. The FACT that he has no income, home, job, ability to see his kids unless I facilitate it is all in my head.

What really worries me Revenge is that now that you're refusing to show fear he'll start getting less of a thrill from hurting you and will start going further and further to get what he wants. When he chokes you, you will look afraid, there's no way you can stop it, so the danger is that he will go straight to that and do it for longer in future, to get the reaction he wants.

You are not responsible for him. You are not his parent, you are his partner. I can understand you not wanting to let him down but your kindness is totally misplaced.

We all make choices - he is making his. You promised to be there for him - you surely didn't promise to be there for him while he did what he wanted to you.

Think of it like a parent who is told to dish out tough love. If you kick him out telling him clearly that when he gets help and sorts his head out, you will be there for him to facilitate a relationship with his kids, then you won't have abandoned him - you will have treated him with love. We can't fix others - you have to want to fix yourself.

Please, please don't screw your kids up - they will pick up on far more than you realise - and if it isn't spoken about, they will just bottle it up. What would you tell your DD if her future DH treated her like that? Would you really say you must not leave because without you he has no income, home, job or ability to see your grandkids. Or would you want to get her and her kids out of there????

"I feel responsible. For his view of humanity. For his sanity."

You are not.

But you are responsible for your own.

And they are seriously warped by this relationship.