Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

I felt that guilt too, despite the fact that no sane fly on the wall could have thought I owed him any loyalty, the point for me at the time, and what held me back from leaving for so long was that HE felt I owed him loyalty. He felt he could treat me like a subordinate, train me to sublimate all my own needs whilst being accutely aware of all of his and yet....... I did feel guilt at leaving him. Like you say, proving that he's not lovable, being one more person to let him down.

Well, the fuckwit sure let me down!!! But he could gloss over that quickly enough. I went into that relationship a giver, an optimist, and he was a taker and a cynic. It 'worked' on a dysfunctional level.

My x has not become any MORE bitter or any MORE miserable or cynical since I left him. All that has happened is that he hasn't had the handy little coping mechanism of having me to treat like shit. He seems to have coped without that little 'valve' all the same.

You probably can't get out of this til you acknowledge that in HIS eyes, you'll be just the latest person to leave him~ You'll be compounding all his bitterness and cynicism. But you can get to the point where that will mean as little to you as if I pointed to some person 300 metres into the distance and said, that person says your a bitch. And he will KNOW you no longer give a fuck if he feels let down or whatever. Boo hoo bastard. I felt all this guilt. I guess I wanted to take on the role of being the person who changed his view of humanity! well what an impossibly big task that was to take on!! could have finished La Sagrada Familia with papier machet quicker.

Who did you not save as a child ..... is there something that makes you want to go round saving people who are verging on unsaveable?

Or is it a role that you've experienced, and so are copying in your own marriage?

I say this, because this is what my DH does - to the point he has ruined our marriage. It makes him feel like a hero .... and all goes back to his childhood.

I have a 2.6 year old which I think is a little older than yours but it will come unbelievably quickly. About 2 year olds I have two things to say:-

1. They pick up on a hell of a lot. I am in early pregnancy and expected to miscarry. We didn't discuss the pre-bad-news pregnancy in front of dd. neither of us have cried in front of dd. We have tried really hard not to let us see us upset.

But she is currently obsessed with babies "there's a baby in my tummy - it's a girl baby mummy" and also very clingy. I don't know what she knows but she knows something.

1. Two year olds are really really annoying. They try your patience beyond which you could not imagine. A bitchy, annoying belittling wife (not saying you are btw) has nothing on a toddler in a funny mood. I know you can't imagine your husband hurting your kids but 10 minutes before he first hurt you could you have imagined it?

I am absolutely firmly of the belief that in a relationship the love should not be unconditional. You should never promise someone your unwavering loyalty, it gives them far too much power over you and it's a promise you just won't be able to keep without losing yourself along the way.

I really don't think he gets a thrill from it. I think in his own mind he feels attacked and lashes out in return. He wants me to shut up to stop making him feel bad about himself to stop shining a light in his flaws. He wants to punish me for sticking my fingers in to areas which are still raw because of his abuse. Sometimes I am provocative sometimes he only thinks I am. But it's a violent defensiveness not a premeditated attempt to abuse. All other indicators of abusive behavior are absent.

Do you get a thrill, or some sort of satisfaction, from your revenge fantasies?

Yeah, and 4 year olds are even more annoying.

They do the child's version of telling you you are stupid and inadequate, they can be very disrespectful as well as enormously, naggingly demanding.

They'll push his buttons before too long.

Unless he has better self-control than most parents.

I don't get a thrill from the fantasy. I think about it partly because my anger is still raw partly because I imagine by "making him see" how it feels I can imagine it would change something. That isn't of course the case. But that's the point of fantasy isn't it.

"All other indicators of abusive behavior are absent."

All other indicators other than regularly strangling you for not behaving as he'd like you to?

You don't need subtle indicators of a controlling personality with someone who is so obviously dangerous.

The fact that he doesn't sit down and plan it in advance is meaningless.

Someone else pointed out that he hasn't stopped drinking, despite the fact that he knows he might end up attacking you.

That would be the tiniest step that someone truly remorseful would take in a second.

But he hasn't made that choice.

Why not?

" Maybe I will just tell him I want to. I wonder what he would say."

He probably won't say anything. Just hurt you a lot more next time.

"I just don't want to feel like a fucking victim,"

Stop being one then and get the fuck out.

"If he did kill me it would most likely be by accident. I asked him to please just slap me the next time as he is less likely to accidentally cause serious injury, brain damage or respiratory arrest."

There are no words that are typable to respond to that.

So the idea is that if he was put in the position he puts you in, he would understand how bad it was and not do it anymore?

But you are in that position and it hasn't taught you to make yourself safe and leave. Perhaps the person you actually need to be made to see is yourself, that somewhere in the learned dysfunction, part of your brain is screaming out for you to get it, and that's why the revenge fantasies are so powerful?

He isn't a child. If you leave he will have to sort things out for himself. Perhaps that would be healthier for him, as well as you, not to have this vast powerplay going on.

he won't be thinking in his red mist of rage and hatred and anger so no he doesn't plan it. you are dehumanised in that moment, and afterwards he won't really remember the attack clearly. adrenaline and denial and the pain of his past will numb him.

you can't 'teach' him. you can't save him.

he has been there already, you say he was abused as a child, so you don't actually need to show him how humiliating and scary it is to be abused. He knows, this is why he does it to you, it is his default position when under a particular stress. If you push that button more by provoking or carrying out your revenge he will flip, not see 'sense'. he can't help his response right now, who knows if he ever will.

But you CAN stop being his punchbag. you are independent you say, brilliant. Maybe you like being needed by him by thinking he can't survive without your money, food and shelter. I bet he will.

I think when you make a promise that you will behave differently from all the others, it is a requirement thathe too will behave differently towards you than he has all the others.

The onus is actually on him, but as long as you continue to forgive him without asking for anything in return, then he will not grapple with his past, learn how to control his behaviors and will never take responsibility for his own actions.

Please reconsider. You don't have to make it forever. You can tell him that when he has sorted himself out, dealt with his past, and is no longer an abuser then you and he can talk about getting back together.

His ability to react favorably to this will tell you whether he is able to be the man he could be without the violence, and therefore the man you actually can be happy with - all the time.

You should ask him, while he is doing his show of contrition, to stop drinking.

Ever.

Because you both know how it might end, and that is too big a risk to keep taking.

His response will tell you a lot.

Of course, he wasn't drunk this time...

But still, if he stopped the chances of him killing you might decrease.

hi revenge I'm really glad you are examining just why you feel the way you do and put up with this shit, that can only be a good thing.
What about having some time apart? how would he react to that?
he could come back to the uk for a bit, give you time to get some counselling, and get your head together and him too.
I just worry if you wait for him to get a visa, you may never have away out.

by the way your parents would be devastated to learn you stayed in this potentially fatal situation to save them more grief, nothing is more important to them than you, just like nothing is more important to you than your kids

Jux has made me think of something...

Getting a partner to promise not to be like all the others is a classic indicator for an abusive personality.

The whole dynamic of him relying on you to keep him sane and to maintsin his faith in humanity is textbook.

He loves you so much that it would be cruel of you to leave him and it's OK if he hurts you a little bit, because his feelings are so strong.

oh wow. I didn't even notice that you'd also typed that line about wanting to restore his view of humanity!

I was in a domestic violence relationship for 5 years, i used to lie awake thinking about stabbing him or hitting him with a really heavy saucepan. I never did for fear I wouldnt do it properly or hard enough....

The relationship you're in is never going to get better, you have already allowed him to get away with it so he wont stop. The only way he will stop hurting you is when you leave.

I have a relative that was choked to passing out by her partner on a regular basis, twice she ended up in the hospital she knew that it would stop once she was dead.
He didn't do it in front of the kids (at first) but they get older and wake and to have a 4 year old looking you in the eyes in fear from the crack in the door while you are going in and out of consciousness is heartbreaking (so she tells me) Finally he turned on the kids. the boy got beating for looking at him the wrong way or having attitude, and the girl was locked up cause she looked at boys and didn't "behave". Finally they all got away and are safe. But I fear the damage was already done to those kids, they are teens now and I wonder how they will treat their partners one day

He is sober and rational when he starts drinking. He knows what he's capable of when he drinks. Therefore the drink is not an excuse.

He hasn't stopped drinking, so he's comfortable with putting you at risk, and accepts he's going to keep on doing it (no matter what he says to you). If he was really sorry, if he meant it he would have already stopped drinking, a long time ago, rather than risk doing it to you again.

He could well end up killing you. Then it won't be your secret anymore, everyone will know. And they will pity you. And you won't be there to comfort your children in their grief.

Sorry to be harsh but I am concerned for you and I think you're glossing over this very real possibility. In the UK, two women are killed by their violent partner every week, on average.

Please, please get out while you still can. You feel you hate him now, how will you feel next month, next year, next decade? This isn't going to get better.

What a horrible situation you're in.

Your revenge fantasies are the result in the utter head-fuck of having your partner abuse you. This person who is meant to have your back, love you more than anyone else and be your rock: he's the one who throttles you and threatens you. I can understand your fantasy - I had similar myself in a similar situation. You're feeling so powerless a fantasy like that is somewhere to put your rage at the whole fucking injustice of it. Especially since you've had no other outlet, or RL support through this. And to think that whilst he's doing all of this to your mind and body, you're worried about him and his mental security/view of the world!

You don't really want revenge, though, do you? If you did, you'd very simply and legally split up and put him out in the street. You'd feel too guilty so you're not going to do that, though so I don't believe you'd physically threaten him.

This guy has had a shitty childhood. Of course he has. And he's going to make sure your DCs do too. Either directly by turning the abuse on them; or indirectly by finally killing you, or destroying who you are inside. Even if they don't see anything happening they'll see the effect on you. They'll learn that men have to be pacified.

It's a process to get to the stage of getting rid of an abusive partner. Getting angry is a step in the right direction. Call women's aid for advice or a listening ear - they'll not be judgemental like some of the posters on here. You can call them internationally.

You're right, he is self-indulgent. He still drinks and gives himself permission to attack you. Has he ever throttled anyone else whilst drunk? I wouldn't have thought so. I bet he can control exactly who he loses it with.

FWIW, I think you should cut off his visa and financial support. Maybe losing everything will shock him into getting the help he needs to become a decent human being. Maybe not, but at least you and your babies would be safe.

I dunno - this is a little bit close to Fifty Shades of Grey - don't ah think?

If it is real than OP actually knows that this isn't going to get better. Her promise that she wouldn't leave him - despite his horrible upbringing - well he has abused her and therefore her agreement with him is void.

OP he will kill you - and use his childhood abuse as his defence.

Please leave him.

Jux makes a good point, OP, that you don't have to think of leaving.

Leaving is a huge thing. But you could tell him he doesn't get to live with you until he's been through an abuser program, owned up to what he's doing and shown some signs of change. (The UK would be a better place to do this than where you are, but you're not chucking him out of your dc's lives forever.)

He has to want to change.

You asked why it was you don't want to leave. I would guess it's because you want your children to have a "family" with mum and dad in it, and because you think that as he is "lovely most of the time" that will be better for them than if you break up.

The trouble is, as people have experienced, abuse rarely lessens, it gets worse. I think that if you allow someone to abuse you, subconsciously they lose all respect for you, and so it goes on, and it gets worse. And eventually it starts on the children. I think that's when lots of people finally find the strength to leave.

I think people (including me) will tell you to leave, because they desperately want you to avoid what inevitably will happen and get out now, not because they think you are a bad mum or useless for staying.

I think it's healthy (in a strange way) that you are thinking what you are (about revenge) because it means you are really angry about what's going on here. And hopefully that anger and realisation that things are not right will give you the strength to do something about it.