Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

"No I guess I hoped survivors of DV might say "I felt like that too"

Survivors of DV will tell you 'I felt like that too'.... but they will be saying it from a place of safety, away from their abuser. That's what makes them survivors. And that's the advice you're getting.

I think you are focusing in the revenge fantasy as a coping mechanism. it isn't going to work when in reality this man hits you. Dream all you like, the reality is not going to change

Jenna that's when my mum decided to leave my dad. I started wetting the bed again. I was eight. I am so grateful that she did, if she hadn't he would have ruined both our lives. I went on to have a very good relationship with him when I was older, even went on holiday with him a few times! But thank god mum left when she did.

ps, I used to fantasise that my x would die in a motorcycle accident. Every time he went out on his bike I would pray that a police would come to the door and tell me he'd died! so, again, honestly, i identify with the revenge fantasies.

Of course, one day he won't stop.

You said about drugging him and tying him up so you could scream in his face, have a knife - do to him what he has done with you. What then? I mean, if you could do that, after that - what then? Will you feel better? or will you be pretty much the same as your partner? It can't be easy to share a bed with a partner you want to hurt and yet you are both doing it. You were brave and posted your feelings - but you must be able to read over what you wrote and your replies to other mners and know that it can't be right that you are in a position where you are trying to get affirmation for feelings you know you wouldn't feel, if your DP wasn't a violent man?

Yeh, I don't stand in the way of my children having a relationship of sorts with their father. He's not a good man and that is linked to being a good father but he has not disappeared into the ether so they do have a face to the name 'father' which avoids a lot of confusion. they don't have questions that have no answers.

Umm u may be the one punished in the end! I too went alOng with life like that until one occasion he went to far, he hit me on the side of my head and two days later I lost my eyesight because of the massive nerve damage!! Six years later I bitterly bitterly regret staying. He too only lost it occasionally!

Mature uni, that really helps actually. Thank you. No it wouldn't change anything. It would only make things worse.

Before I walked on eggshells for a few weeks and eventually it went away until the next incident. But I still felt love for him. I don't think I feel that at the moment. I despise him. Really despise him.

He started therapy but we couldn't afford for him to keep going. He got to the "I'm a victim of abuse" part but not te "and now I abuse my wife" bit with the therapist. And every time he came home and told me about his session and how helpful it had been to talk about his childhood I wanted to scream "that's in the past you selfish self absorbed assholish twat why aren't you asking your therapist how to stop abusing your wife!!!!!!!!"

I want us to go together to therapy. Largely so I can say what I want to say in a safe environment. And so I can shame him in front of someone. Because no one knows.

I know tomorrow I will probably feel differently again and love him. This mood never lasts.

Do it. If you can get him to therapy be honest. But if anything is going to trigger his anger, it'll be being shamed publicly??

Also go to therapy on your own. I know the mood never lasts. You might feel something approaching contentment and security tomorrow. But it never really goes away, the fear, the nagging feeling that things aren't right.

He may have been abused as a child, but you don't owe it to him to make allowances for that in your tolerance of his behaviour. You are not a cold hearted mean bitch if you draw a line, and have a limit.

Yes, I second that you are brave to put these feelings out there.

Hi op

I have read through your posts and all i can hear is a silent scream for help, you cant shame him, YOU cant MAKE him feel anything, a normal thinking human being would feel these things anyway, but he isnt if it wasnt you it would be someone else. I cant imagine what it must be like inside your head, you must be grinding your teeth down at night with all the jaw clenching.

Your mental health let alone your physical health is going to go down hill real soon as well, because the energy to keep this sort of thought pattern going indefinatly is immense. I doubt he will stick around to look after you when you become useless too him. The man is dangerous you know and so do we, the thing is do you become the next face on crimewatch, or the next violent death on the front page of the Daily Mail before you smell the coffee brewing, because love it doesnt get any worse than this, unless of course you fancy writing your own eulogy to read out at the church.

Lets put this another way, if you want him to change, you have to remove the opportunity for him to be abusive, so thats you removing yourself from the equation, as long as your the punching bag of temptation in his way he wont change.

This isnt love or respect this is sadistic and he must be laughing his cock off at you everytime you appear to forgive him, he has as much respect for you as you apparantly have for yourself right now, which is fuck all lovey and thats sad.

Put that hate to good use, use your feelings to plan your escape route because if you dont walk out under your own steam, then a box it is then.

x

The fact that your husband never abuses you in front of anyone else, never in front of the children and doesn't leave a bruise shows that he KNOWS what he is doing and he CHOSES to do it.
I think all women in an abusive relationship have had that fantasy 'If only I could make him see how terrible this is!'. the sad truth is actually the abuser doesn't give a shit- he likes the power and the terror.

Revenge, it seems to me from your later posts that what you're really hoping for is that he'll change, that he'll suddenly no longer be abusive and become the normal loving husband that he appears to be to the rest of the world.

I'm really sorry to say it but that's not going to happen.

Even if you do one day tie him up and terrify him, he won't suddenly think "Oh, what I did was wrong, I'll never do it again." Equally counselling isn't going to make him see the light.

He knows what he's doing. He knows it's wrong. But he gets such a kick and thrill, such satisfaction out of seeing that absolute terror in your eyes as he chokes you that that's worth more to him than you. If he genuinely didn't know it was wrong, surely he would do it to everyone? Or he would do it to your children? But he doesn't, does he. He only does it to you, in private, and ensures he doesn't leave a mark on you. Because you're his private thrill, his way of expressing all that anger that's inside him. He needs that aggression and violence to make himself feel better. It's not even really about you, you just happen to be a handy outlet, being an adult who'll just accept it and come back for more. You give him everything he wants - love, children, a family life, and a nice soft neck to choke, what more could he ask for?

Thank you Jenna I appreciate you sharing your experiences. Thanks to others as well I am grateful for the replies. Yes I'm defensive. I've felt that those who have had the strength to leave make me feel like they are better than I am and unless I pack up my kids this evening I'm a worthless irresponsible shit.

I don't WANT to leave. Like everyone in this situation I want him to just stop being violent and never do it again. That's all. Just don't be violent again. But that's what everyone says isn't it.

It is I'm afraid Revenge. Every woman who stays does it for good reasons - she wants to keep the family together, she loves her DH, he is a good father, etc. You are not unusual in wishing and hoping everything would get better. But wishing and hoping and fantasising aren't going to change things. At some point in the future this will happen again, and you might end up dead or seriously injured. One of your children could see it happening, or could be hurt too. That's the reality.

It is very hard to read 'leave him!' 'end it' on line, because obviously you're not going to pack your bags on the strength of what a few internet bods have said!

But this thread will shift your perspective a little. There is no harm if the anaesthetic that gets you through those episodes won't kick in to the same degree anymore. It's a process. This thread isn't telling you what to think. You might be defensive reasding it now, but the dust will settle, you will forget this thread but your perspective might not be exactly the same from now on.

But those who leave are not better than you are, we are the same as you are, we want you to be free from abuse, as we are......., and you can use us/the resources we know about/the experience we have to help yourself and your DH and your DC....

we are the same, we are just on the other side.
And there are abusers programmes for the real men who can face what they have done and take the opportunity to stop the abuse and break the cycle for themselves and for their families. The sad truth is that very few will even contemplate going if they are still at home, even fewer see it through and do the necessary work, but the opportunity is there. your DH could do it.

Op none of us are judging you, we just want you to be able to make a choice before that animal takes it away from you. A lot if not most of us me included have been where you are in one way or another, and we have all been defensive in some way its natural, its also all right for the ones like me to sit here and say leave the bastard, but the thing is thats just as hard as staying, but there are kids involved. They wont thank you for staying if mummy gets taken away by the bad daddy, if anything is ever to get through the rage you feel at the moment, it will be the safety of your kids, because if your not around to protect them, then it falls to him.

x

I am still thankful every night when I get in to a bed that doesn't have my x in it. I realise that in a parallel universe I could so easily still be there. I used to read these threads and think, ah, those women are brave enough to leave, they're different from me.

OP - this isn't normal. I understand you wanting revenge, but what you really need is to want to be safe and free of abuse.

What are your kids going to do if he goes too far one day and he kills you, or leaves you with permanent brain damage? This country you are living in - what is the healthcare system like? Because I suspect you are going to need it.

Revenge: Is one of the big problems that you are living in some barbarian fucking dump that doesn['t consider women fully human? IE is it not possible to grab the kids and leave because the authorities in the place you currently live would actually force you to return to this man as you are his property?

If so, if you are a native of a civilised country, you should be able to appeal to the embassy of your home country for advice.

Yeah I wondered that. Where doesn't have WA?

I also went through similar. I also felt angry. I never had revenge fantasies but would always stand up to him when he was being unreasonable as I felt that I was not an "battered wife" as long as I was still able to do that. Ironically people accused me of "provoking" him.

He used to call me names, spit on me, pull me around by my hair and trash a room around me. He put this hands on my throat a few times but never properly choked me and he never actually hit me. He also had a porn addiction and made me feel about as attractive as a toad.

He also only did it infrequently and after alcohol. Otherwise he was a charming personality who was the life and soul of everything and would do anything for anybody. One day he attacked my children who called the police. To my shame I didn't even leave him that day. Worse, me and my children lied to the police to protect him. It took another few months before I finally got us out of there. My children have forgiven me for leaving it too long but I feel such shame. I am actually a strong, capable woman who had always protected them from everything, stamped on bullying when it started at school and raised them well until and apart from that time in their lives.

It took a man I briefly dated after leaving him and Mumsnet to help me put the word "ABUSE" to what had happened. Before that I had made excuses for him because he had had a difficult childhood and was mentally ill after being in the army.

Reading this back now I cannot believe what I lived with and thought was okay. There are still people who think I am a bitch for leaving him and think we might get back together. Ha!!!!! is all I can say to that!

I think the anger and feelings of disgust and despising him are promising. Hopefully you are closer than you may think to being strong enough to leave him. He is not going to change other than to get worse. The change has to come from you. I cannot tell you the relief of getting out and feeling safe again. I have also started to find happiness again and to remember what is normal.

I don't think anybody thinks you are weak for staying but nobody is going to collude and tell you to stay when they know how much better life will be for you and your children when you get out.

Yeah, eHoney, I was the same, I challenged my x, and believed that I was not what was meant by an abuse victim,.. I believed taht because I knew he was a bully and because I knew I did not love him that I was different. He used to say we were getting on well sometimes and congratulate me for being a good girl. I called those my put up and shut up phases.

Anyway.. similar experience to eHoney, but after a while people will accept that you have left him. You are not obliged to stay in ANY relationship, even if the man is lovely. It is your prerogative to leave it.

I agree as well that feelings of anger are a really good thing. what country are you in Revenge?