Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

You are not stupid just incredibly delusional

My ExP used to choke me, not open handed, he would actually squeeze either side of my windpipe.. its dangerous. When he lets go, IF he lets go before you pass out, he stands a chance of causing a blood or air bubble to go into your brain. It will kill you.

He said he learnt it in the army.

Get out now!

And no, you're not the only one who has had those thoughts, i see ExP and i would like him to know how it feels to have someone you love, and is supposed to love you, hurt you.
But i don't love him any more so it'd be a waste of time, besides, i don't want to hurt anyone, not even him.

You will leave like i did, after 9 years, when he stops hurting you because you don't care any more, and starts hurting your DC's or pets to get at you.
You don't have any self respect left, he's seen to that.
But you will leave to protect people or animals that he has already damaged by letting them see mummy with bruises.

You do understand that you risk having your babies taken away, don't you, by the social services?

your children will love their father, whatever he does.

They are unlikely to call him a wanker as the loyalty they will have for him will be so powerful they will be like you and consider a bit of choking as worth it, for the lovely dad he is in the middle bits. :(

When they are older and hitting their children (not choking, that's what their dad did to them and it Wasn't Nice) and their spouses in anger that they haven't learnt how to control they will hate themselves too, and apologise, and blame their upbringing (you).

I have everything in my very normal DH that you have but of course, without the violence and fear. I never have to watch my step :( If he is a twat about something I tell him and he listens - and vice versa. This is how people communicate, using words, not through violence, aggression and fear.

Can you imagine your DH behaving like this with a strange woman in a coffee shop? what would you think if you saw that? because that would be NO different or less shocking than how we feel about how you describe his treatment of you, OP.

He must never slap you. You are not empowered by asking him to do that to you :( You are not empowered through revenge fantasies. You are not empowered when you 'forget to watch your step'.

You will be empowered when you pack your bag and take your babies somewhere safe.

OP- people have you and your dcs's interests and want to help ....no malice intended

Your children may not talk yet, but they understand. And they may not ever wind him up - it's far more likely that they learn how to "watch their step" far before they ever speak - but they will end up like him.

You are teaching them that this is normal. That they can physically abuse someone as long as they are nice sometimes. That it's someone else's fault.

You are also teaching them that it's normal to be abused. That when their partners beat them, they should stay and take it, they should blame themselves. They should have to watch themselves and make sure they don't annoy anyone.

Revenge fantasies are a coping mechanism. One day, you might act on it. It'll probably when that fear has gone further than ever, when he doesn't let go, when you are seconds away from dying. And then you'll get the vivid fantasies, and the adrenaline, and the strength - and you'll either kill or seriously injure him, to save yourself.

And you'll be the next in a long line of women who claim battered women syndrome, and who have expert witnesses who give plenty of evidence, and medical records showing the damage that being choked regularly (and every six months is regularly) has done, and your children will testify and show what they've seen too - but you will still get sent down, because there's plenty of holes in that theory, and because most women strike back when they are least at risk. When he's asleep, or drugged, or just not expecting it, rather than in the heat of the moment to save their own lives.

And you'll be a victim throughout the whole thing. You might be happy with that, but what about your children? They are victims too. Just children, and the best that they can hope for is that one of their parents kills or injures the other so badly that this horrific situation stops.

oh revenge please don't say that, i'm really sorry, i'm not very good at this, there are much better people on here at this than me, i don't mean to make you feel bad, i'm just raging on your behalf. I cannot understand your thinking

OP you are the one person in your childrens lives who they will rely on for their health, safety and emotional stability. You have acknowledged how wrong this situation is. Just think for a moment how empowered you would feel once you'd started taking steps to put things right, for their sake and for yours.

revenge It's not the posters on here making you feel bad about yourself, it's that you cant push back down the feelings that were rising in you.

I used to live with a man like this. I made lists of the pros of leaving and staying and the cons of leaving and staying. As though there were anything that could outweigh somebody trying to choke me and kicking down a door to get out me when he was in a rage.

do you ever worry that if you left him you'd regret it? I worried about that (don't know why). I lft and I never regreted it for a moment.

Your self esteem must be on the floor that you will tolerate this behaviour on the grounds that he acts nice or plays nice the rest of the time. I feel for you and I hope that this thread is for you the wake up call that my 'shall i stay or shall i go?' thread was, way back in April 2007. I left four months later.

ps, i don't knwo what country you're in but abroad I'm guessing? return to your parents/mother's with your kids, bag on bag and passports. Don't tell me you can't do it. I KNOW it can be done. I did it.

Has your DH ever had counselling for the abuse he suffered?

OP let us all have a quick hug. And then let us face the fact that this is really, really serious, that we are worried about you, and that to us what you are saying is frightening.

I am so sorry we are not on your wavelength, but then actually of course I am not, because it must be a really tough place to be. We don't want you to be there either. we can't empathise with your revenge fantasies because we don't have need of them (mostly, I am presuming, we are in more stable situations).

we are not judging you or blaming you, but I can completely understand that in not agreeing with you you feel defensive and that we are getting at you.

If people told me, en masse, that my viewpoint and relationship was completely skewed I think I would feel defensive and angry too. And then, hopefully, realise that in the multitude there has to be reason...

we really do care about you OP. all the best x

I'm not teaching them anything of the fucking sort. They have never ever even seen us argue. They have never witnessed an atmosphere they have never been shouted at they have never seen me shouted at. Their father is invariably brilliant with them. They have never seen a bruise on me because there never has been a bruise on me.

Making up sensational imaginings or projecting your own past history on me isn't helpful to me. I've been completely open about everything that has happened. And in return I've been told I'm a bad mother whose children will be abused damaged and hate me IF I'm even allowed to keep them out if the clutches of SS and that I fully deserve that to happen.

So much or the famous "mumsnet support".

Start a thread telling us why you can't leave and we can talk about some of that stuff and dissect what matters and what doesn't matter.

never think that your life is in one town. There is life as we know it in a million other towns. I went to one and started again. It wasn't a walk in the park but it was 'easy' compared with the stress I'd been living in before I left.

OH yes, very decent of him.... I remember my x sitting on my chest hammering me, pulling my hair sneering "don't worry, I won't leave a marrrrrrrk on you'. So that sentence doesn't reassure me. It gives me a chill tbh.

I'm not being sensational. This stuff happened to me too. I minimised it when I was with him. I won't do it now.

My children don't hate me. they don't have much respect for their father. They do still see him.

Are you afraid that if you leave you just CAN'T fight him?

What country are you in?>

I'm not calling you a bad mother. I just really question that staying with a man who chokes you 'only twice a year' can EVER be worth it.

Did you think that survivors of DV would seriously stand up and give you a round of applause for your thinking? That in some way we are going to say
"Oh do stay. He only does it so infrequently it isn't even worth worrying about"
There are no half measures in this situation.
Never underestimate your childrn's capacity to know what occurs between the two most important people in their life
The only advice from me to any woman facing this would be leave, clear out, fuck the consequences.
I did and I am everlastingly glad that I did.
If you don't want to, then be aware there are those here who will disagree but not to be hurtful or malicious, simply because there is no good reason they or I can find to remain in such a bad situation

No I guess I hoped survivors of DV might say "I felt like that too" or "I remember dating the same thing". Not encourage me to stay but at least not make me feel like I'm completely alone and the entire world thinks I'm a twat.

OP there is absolutely nothing this man can do that makes up for him being violent. Nothing.

He can win father of the year and be a better lover than any man that ever lived. Doesn't matter. He has been repeatedly violent towards you. He will continue to be (you know that). That is all there is to it.

It would be the wrong kind of support if we told you that that was all you deserved. That'd like telling an anorexic, yes you are a bit plump I guess.

Seriously, you say that you ahve been open with us, but do you really feel relaxed and happy in his company the rest of the time, or are you walking on egg shells. YOu are ANGRY, and too fucking right you are angry. So you should be. You want revenge. You know this is unacceptable. YOu know that. But you can't get revenge on him on a one-off basis.

The only revenge as they say is living well. Away from him.

Fuckinghell. This man will probably kill you,and you think that's ok? Please, please, for the sake of your kids, make plans to leave.because even if they are completely oblivious now,in a few years they won't be. That's if you're still alive. If you aren't perhaps he will move onto them next. This is really really serious. No one here is trying to make you feel bad, they just want you to wake up to how awful and dangerous this is.

That is such a depressing OP.

You can lie in bed fantasising about murdering him... Or you can leave him.

How the good can outweigh the bad I do not understand. Madness. You arebeing abused. Get help.

"So much or the famous "mumsnet support"."

What kind of support would you prefer? What were you hoping others would say?

YES revenge. listen to me.

FOr years I sat there trying to reconcile it all in my brain. I told you a few posts back, I made spreadsheets. REasons to stay, reasons to go. I thought i could work it out like a mathematical equation and reach an answer that couldn't be argued with. But my pride was the variable ykwim?

I left when my eldest had regressed to wetting her knickers again. I know you say your children are unaffected, mine weren't. The rows escalated. The aggression escalated. The fear escalated. It all got worse over time. my spreadsheets went by the wayside and I returned to my home country with two children and our passports and one rucksack.

And despite my fears that I would regret it, I never did.

You may not identify with what I'm telling you now that it's behind me, but i do identify with you and what you're telling me

cogito, it's me lizlemon here. I name change regularly but i wanted to say that there aren't MILLIONS of women who've been through this!! half of them are me, name-changing!

Nobody said you were a twat.

Your reaction is due to the fact that you have normalised this, it is entirely normal to you. Our reaction is because it is not normal.

He either needs to get counselling, serious, intense counselling that fixes this, or you need to leave.

The survivors of DV are the ones who leave, and they all get this anger, this pain. But it isn't Mumsnet that's caused that - it's him. He created this situation, and these fantasies, and he's made your family the way it is.

You aren't alone. You'll be even less alone when you leave him, and get away from this.

Your children will know. I never saw bruises, either, and I never saw arguing, or fighting, and I loved them both, and they were lovely to me. But I knew, and I had counselling at a very young age to get over this - and although I'm now not that affected, it does come into conversation sometimes, and even well qualified people are shocked and what I've seen and heard. And I'm not shocked. I wouldn't accept it in my own life, but thats normal for me. I saw it.

I wouldn't recommend carrying out your fantasies, by the way. He is likely to react worse. He won't see what it's like for you, and change - he'll get worse. Please don't turn it into a game. He's dangerous, whether he means to be or whether it just happens, and it doesn't matter how much he hates himself afterwards. If he hated himself that much, he'd get help so that he wasn't so dangerous anymore.

Look after yourself.