Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH

[Revengefantasiesrus]

My DH is sometimes physically abusive.

About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.

The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.

This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.

Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.

So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).

Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.

The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?

He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.

And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.

I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.

Is it just me?

I honestly think you're deluding yourself OP.

If and when your children catch on to what he is doing to you, do you not think the knowledge if what they are living with is going to have a profound and lifelong effect on them?

Do you want to teach your daughter that violence is to be put up with? How would you feel if she ends up in a position like yours, years down the line?

How can you deny the risk that eventually he'll do it to one of them?

God knows I'm not saying leaving would be easy for any of you. But your reasons for staying are warped.

Of course they are warped. How else could anyone stay with a man who is violent and abusive? I know I am warped. I don't want to be warped. But I don't want to be a single parent either. Lets face it none if the options are good are they?

I'm 36 years old with 2 kids under 2, I work full time at a v stressful job in order to desperately try to keep our heads above water due to my husbands massive debts, I am an only child, my dad has cancer and my parents live 4000 miles away plus I have a husband who is violent. I can just about keep it all together when he is being nice to me. When he abuses me and just adds to an already almost intolerable burden of stress I think I might just go over the edge.

I am trying SO hard to be everything everyone needs me to be and I just don't know how much longer I can keep it all together. I just need to. We have a meeting tonight on a prospective business opportunity which would enable him to get his own visa and be financially independent. I just have to pull this off and close the deal. Then maybe with some of the pressure off me I can think straight.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. Your posts just made me feel so desperate for you.

Good luck with tonight, I hope its a step on the road to a life you deserve.

I'm 36 years old with 2 kids under 2, I work full time at a v stressful job in order to desperately try to keep our heads above water due to my husbands massive debts, I am an only child, my dad has cancer and my parents live 4000 miles away plus I have a husband who is violent

And this is how we get tied in, and feel that there is no exit opportunity. If your husband is like mine then he will ensure that the business opportunity that you work hard to get will come to nothing (or produce more debts) (but it will look like it's not his fault and he has been working his balls off)he will either never be issued with a visa or it will somehow be revoked (if he can manage it)But this will not happen quickly and he may talk you into another pregnancy/baby (three is such a lovely number) and maybe a house move just to keep you on the hop.

I am trying SO hard to be everything everyone needs me to be I know I can feel you desperation and fear and just sheer bloody tiredness from it all.

You may not be able to think about leaving just now, you may have to walk this path for a little longer, but believe me, even at nearly a decade older than you, with many more children, debts, no family and very little support, my life is STILL better without him. You will not realise how little his good times are actually worth and how much mental energy he takes until he is not there any more. I have confidence that you will find that better place, keep reading about emotional abuse if you can as Physical abuse is almost never acted out without EA.

If/when you need practical advice on strategies to extract yourself then post again. There's a wealth of experience here for you to tap into. (and you can have as many personae/names as you want as we are not in your real life!!)

"I think I would rather put up with being violently abused 3 times a year than my children not living with their Dad and me being a single parent"

Why did you post on MN exactly? Just a short read through of the threads on this and other message boards would have demonstrated pretty quickly that MN members are, fairly unilaterally, anti-DV in all its forms. Mostly women post for support in getting out of violent relationships. Some will post for reassurance wondering if their relationship is violent or not. Many are scared stiff of leaving violent partners, splitting up families, upsetting children, spending life as a sole parent, financial difficulties etc.

I think you're the one and only woman I've ever seen stoutly defend their decision to stay put and choose to be an abused wife. I've heard a few men try to defend that position (not on MN I hasten to add). Men who suggest that every woman needs a good slap every so often. Or men who argue that they're not violent men & they love their family.... it's just that their wife winds them up occasionally and they can't help themselves.

So if you have no intention of changing your living circumstances and are quite happy with the arrangement... why post in an anti-DV forum expecting support?

Your poor thiing. I am lizlemon from earlier btw. I was 37 when I left. NO wonder you're aneasthetised. You have to be a bit anaesthetised to run on auto-plot. YOu are obviously a very strong person though. You are holdiing it together in the short term. If you get on the wheel and run run run you can stay on the wheel. YOu feel like you can make no more effort.

So, marshall your thoughts, line up your ducks and only when you know you can dig deep into that 'bag' and take a DEEP breath can you leave or end it. Because ending a relationship like this DOES take an enormous amount of effort. It can be harder to leave than to just go through another day on auto-pilot walking on egg shells and hoping for the best.

Another thing about leaving it til you are ready is that you have NO regrets. I could have left a bt sooner than I did and yeh I do wish I had, but I had no regrets. I never felt anything but freedom. I had a baby and a 3 year old. That was tough in one way, because the one rucksack i had with me was full of nappies and changes of clothes for the kids, but in other ways it has been easy because the chldren don't remember beng taken away from what seemed like a conventional family. They've no memories of it. They don't miss it.

I hope that thyis thread is a nudge for you. That is as much as anybody can reasonably expect. You will get there. I know you will, because you are angry. AT the right moment, that anger will be channelled in to the 'deep breath' that you need to end things.

"I think I would rather put up with being violently abused 3 times a year than my children not living with their Dad and me being a single parent"

I don't remember reading ths , but I can tell you first hand being a single parent is better!! I get to enjoy thngs now. I enjoyed nothing before. I can relax, I can make decsions, the joy is not sapped out of every tny thing.

ARe you worried about appearing to be happy, or being happy?

Which will you prioritise? Because I acknowledge now (through psychotherapy ;-p ) that for years I prioritised appearing to be happy. foolish of me.

I'm pretty sure my mum would say I didn't know about the abuse.

But I did.

I would curl up under my bedsheets at night, blocking out the crashing and yelling by sticking my fingers in my ears and rocking.

I could sense the atmosphere in the house.

I used to dream every night that he would kill us.

I was terrified to leave mum alone with him.

I WAS 3 YEARS OLD

You are delusional OP. I have been on medication and suffer from anxiety entirely due to the abusive bastard who was supposed to protect us and his enabling, apologetic, wife. My mother. I am now 43 years old and it never leaves me, ever.

So carry on in denial lala land, your DC will not have that priviledge if you continue to stay in this dance.

OP, if your husband can get a visa and so be financially independent would he then be in a position to keep the children should you decide to leave him?

Is this a deal that is in your interest to pull off?

ps, it took me from April to July. around about mid April I thought, I can't do this anymore. Cogs were shifting in my brain. People on a thread on a forum in ireland were getting frustrated wth me that I wasn't leaving quicker!! But i knew that if I went back in July for a frends wedding then I would just not return and that would be the safest way. (as it happened, he rumbled me) but there was a plan. And at least, there was a flight booked and paid for that I could get on to. I'd posted documents to my parents. I 'd posted a couple of changes of clothing to my parents. I'd been able to say good bye to one or two ffriends, I'd informed mobile phone company/banks etc...

obviously if your life is in danger that stuff is small fry, but the opportunity to dot a few Is made the 'escape' slightly less unsettling. I'm not recommending waiting but I do understand it.

good queston gee. YOu might be better OP to return to your home country before 'habitual domicile' is too established. when a child is under two, it can't really be argued that they have friends and/or are linked into services in that country.......

So if you have no intention of changing your living circumstances and are quite happy with the arrangement... why post in an anti-DV forum expecting support?

How precisely did you arrive at the notion I am happy? Clearly unless I jump quick smart to do exactly what judgmental sanctimonious posters like you tell me I HAVE to do I can expect zero support or sympathy and indeed have no RIGHT to even start a post.

I've posted here because I have NO ONE ELSE. I've told no one what my husband does. I've told no one how hard I'm finding things. I've told no one how difficult things are right now and just how close I am to FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

You may not agree with my choices, you may not empathize with or understand my motives r dilemmas but I have as much right to post here as anyone else. Even if its just to write down and get out some of this melee in my head. And if that's you're idea of support Cogito I suggest you fuck off to am I being unreasonable.

Jeee, he could afford to keep himself and pay his debt (which I pay and have done for years) but not the kids. I also had the kids on my visa and would never have it any other way. He wouldn't get custody.

What this job could mean is that if i chose to end the marriage he could stay out here and be near them and afford to live independently from me. Which would mean I wasn't leaving him high and dry with nothing. And also would mean a financial weight off my shoulders.

who is more important OP, your kids or your husband? You have to choose.

1. if you act out your revenge, it may well backfire, he will attack you harder
2. if you do nothing, deny everything, you kids will suffer. He will continue.

Either way, your kids are going to lose you - either he will eventually kill you, or you him and you'll go to prison. Kids into care.

Sort this out. Today.

for the sake of your children, you know that leaving is the only safe option.

i wish you well whatever you decide.

but I dread the future for your kids if you stay.

To add - it would be different if we had boys but under sharia law of this country girls automatically stay with the mother until 12. At which point if there was any question of a custody dispute I'd return to Europe.

OP I think you are already on the path to leaving as this man is not going to improve. One day, he will push you further than you can bear.

What incentive does he have to change? By staying with him, and supporting him, you are complicit in this awful abuse of you.

Making him know how much he's hurting you isn't enough. He knows that already. You say he went to counselling and didn't even discuss it. It's simply not a burning issue for him.

As your DCs get older, they will become aware of his abuse of you. You all live in the same house, you won't be able to hide it forever.

you have every right to post here and get your thoughts out byw, ignore posters who may just be feeling frustrated and upset

they want the best for you

FWIW I would be devastated if my children stayed with an abusive partner because they didn't want to break an illusion of being happy which they'd presented to me. How would you feel if your DD was being strangled and was miserable but put up with it partly as she didn't want to upset you, would you be happy with that arrangement?

Yeh folks, please lay off the instructions 'leave today'. Give her a chance to gather her thoughts!

I posted a thread lke this april 2007 and it was early July by the time I left. But the cogs in my brain were shifting all that time. ykwim.

REvenge, here's a cup of

ps, relieved to hear that girls will stay with you and that custody won't be another uphill battle you'll have to face. Good. Phew, that's one nightmare crossed off your list!

Revenge, reading this thread today you sound so trapped. And the thread has become a black/white discussion of leave/stay, which isn't helping.

Without wanting to sound critical, I think the big mistake you are making (and what some posters are trying to point out), is that the status quo is not stable. Please don't assume, let alone take for granted, that things will stay as they are indefinitely. You say you can cope with things as they are now, just, and the rare outbursts your husband has are a price worth paying for a two parent family etc.

I say, please be aware that (i) he could get worse, i.e. more violent to you and violent to the children (and probably will); (ii) even if he doesn't get worse exactly any ONE of these violent incidents could kill or injure you, leaving your poor children VERY vulnerable indeed (I really don't think it is scaremongering to say this); (iii) you may find that you just can't live like this any more. You are close to flipping out, you say-what happens if you do? Violence, a breakdown, unable to hold down your job-where would that leave you and your family?

Leaving doesn't need to mean leaving now, with all the consequences you fear. But I think you mustn't put your life on hold and martyr yourself to the two parent family, can't disappoint anybody ideal.

Make plans to leave, even if only in a couple of year's time. Have a fall-back plan, an emergency plan-money, stashed documents, a friend in RL you confide in who could take you in in an emergency, a secret credit card, counselling for you on your own, explore coming back to the UK, whatever. But please do this.

Miss RVRU/OP? I wasn't going to post in here being a man but was so worried by what I was reading? That I will - first briefly now & when I've time & am not busy later? More in detail? Suffice to say I can see where you're coming from and (being a man) probably read what your DH's nature is like as a Man; Why do I say this? Because (& it's not easy to admit this) I suffered DV - a Hell of a lot of it from my ex-fiancee & in the end? I broke us up deliberately as otherwise? She would have killed/seriously injured me & she Did beat me senseless a couple of times;

Suffice to say? I did the right thing but will go into that later - also? I think I know Why you're getting defensive/angry when people question you on here - you want unquestioning support don't you? People to talk to you - Try to understand but Not question you right now as you're confused enough as it is & yes I Know how you feel I went through the same battles & being pulled in 5 different directions myself for nearly 6 years!! And yes when people asked me or told me what I was doing in staying with her was wrong? I jumped on them to; Eventually I realised but not before a Lot of damage was done on the way. Not good and worse by far for our (now 3 year old - then a baby DS).

Anyway? Since I have some idea of what you're trying to say (I think) and where you're coming from as well as (being a bloke) having a fair idea what Might happen/where He's coming from/what he'll do eventually? Let me have a think & I'll write again to you later with the best advice I can give you Miss & no? I'm Not going to question you yet;

I believe you, I believe In you that you can sort this somehow as you sound intelligent, erudite, concise, adult & professional in all else you've done bar this mind battle you've got going on with yourself that might be currently clouding your sense of what's right & what's wrong for you & your DC; Anyway for now Miss? I'll hold your hand on here & offer you all the support I can for now? It's up to you what to do but I have an idea of what course of action I think you should - I'll leave that for now though & just say. I'm here for you to give you support if you need it? Hope that helps revenge. Good luck in making your mind up if you Do before I next post? If not then hope we might speak soon.

I'll be back later & post again then. Keep well Revenge & Take Care Miss.

I think there is some seriously impaired logic at work in the conclusion that I will inevitably be killed by my husband. And a heavy dose if exaggeration and melodrama there. It is certainly POSSIBLE but quite unlikely. What is more likely is that e will continue to have te same infrequent outbursts that he has had over the last five years. There has been no pattern of escalation. His outbursts had in fact been becoming consistently LESS frequent and violent prior to this last incident. But that pattern is impossible to predict of course.

I appreciate the responses but hysterical exaggeration isn't really useful.

Cross posted eldritch. I k ow you're right. It could get worse. Much worse. There is no way of knowing it won't. I k ow that.

Keep going OP. Keep reading all the stuff. You are so articulate that, when the time comes, you'll be an expert at guiding people in the exact-same position you are in now - you'll know all the excuses. It takes time but I, for one, am very glad to hear your reasons for staying are slowly crumbling. That's how it goes, it takes time. It took him a long time to hook you in - they play the long game, abusers - it'll take a while to unravel it all. I have been in the position you are in now, married to an abuser.

personally, I'd be terrified to be in a domestic abuse situation in a country where sharia law holds sway. run for the (british) hills my dear. Take your daughters with you and don't look back.

(you may think this is extreme. It so isn't but perhaps you can't see that yet . When you finally go you will not care what happens to him, whether his gets his visa schmisa or not. You will only worry about the next poor cow who gets hooked into his abusive shit.)