I've name changed, sorry but dh knows my mn name and I just need to have privacy.
Known my husband for 20 years and been together 9 years, married just over a year. We have 3 dc, eldest is my ds from prev relationship (12) youngest 2 are 4 and almost 1.
Background on this is issue to porn. I have had issues in past where I have been vulnerable and been assaulted. I've also had some bad relationships, the one prior to this ended due to my exh being addicted to over the counter painkillers. And the fact there were lies upon lies and emotionally and financially bankrupt me.
When I started dating dh I wasn't aware he accessed porn, porn is something I really feel uncomfortable with as it is often funding criminals and the girls and guys are often exploited and under age too. Anyway, when I found out and he saw how hurt I was (early in relationship) he said he wouldn't access it, and only had when single when living with his mates and it was a habit. Over the years I've occasionally asked and more recently after having dc as I've been very sure and our sex life had suffered, although between it was at times almost nightly too while ttc. I also was a bit embarrassed about my body, though I'm almost back to pre 1st baby size so confidence was back.
Re pen, ds1 got exposed to it aged 8 by a school friend which I never knew but a little while back (6 months iirc) he was on bits as all the kids in his school were accessing really hardcore porn and he was too. He was so upset and wanted to get images out of his head. I supported him of course and dh could see how upset he was and when I spoke to him about the effect on ds1 he said he agreed how bad it was. He also looked me straight in the eye and promised me he doesn't access it.
Yesterday I had our friend over and me, her and all dc went out and dh stayed home and cooked a lovely roast. Usually he would tidy up a bit too because he is thoughtful and helps. He's also a great dad. Anyway he didn't yesterday, and thre has been an atmosphere at times for a while, I just had this feeling in my gut something was off.
Anyway, I stupidly perhaps said to him that I knew what he had been up to yesterday. I know stupid :-( there was a silence and I had that sick feeling when you just know. So I don't know why but I said, I've known for ages, why don't you just tell me.
He did, he has been accessing porn every single night while I am feeding out baby, or asleep. I am so hurt. He has lied again and again to my face. I think he may have visited prostitutes but I don't know. The porn he likes are young women with not much up top so almost look like early puberty. I just feel so angry, disappointed, hurt, confused and I do not know what to do.
He offered to pack a bag and go, he doesn't want to but he knows my trust is broken. He lied and lied and married me and we have children. Ds2 has ASD and this will devastate him, the dc adore dh really adore him.
I don't want him near me sexually at all, it feels wrong. He gets off looking at such young women/girls and goes to sleep with those images in his head every night.
I don't want to hurt our dc and our whole IDE would change. Right now I am a SAHM and also registered carer for ds2. Mywhke family adore dh. I love him but I just don't trust him and I am utterly disgusted with him and hurt. I don't want to knee jerk react and upset the children by thinking of just my feelings. But I don't want dd and ds's growing up in a bitter loveless home which could happen.
What's ironic is that he was slating our friends husband saying he thinks he's playing away and how awful he is lying to his dw.