Never thought I'd be posting here :-( think marriage is over

[OhShitWhatToDo]

I've name changed, sorry but dh knows my mn name and I just need to have privacy.

Known my husband for 20 years and been together 9 years, married just over a year. We have 3 dc, eldest is my ds from prev relationship (12) youngest 2 are 4 and almost 1.

Background on this is issue to porn. I have had issues in past where I have been vulnerable and been assaulted. I've also had some bad relationships, the one prior to this ended due to my exh being addicted to over the counter painkillers. And the fact there were lies upon lies and emotionally and financially bankrupt me.

When I started dating dh I wasn't aware he accessed porn, porn is something I really feel uncomfortable with as it is often funding criminals and the girls and guys are often exploited and under age too. Anyway, when I found out and he saw how hurt I was (early in relationship) he said he wouldn't access it, and only had when single when living with his mates and it was a habit. Over the years I've occasionally asked and more recently after having dc as I've been very sure and our sex life had suffered, although between it was at times almost nightly too while ttc. I also was a bit embarrassed about my body, though I'm almost back to pre 1st baby size so confidence was back.

Re pen, ds1 got exposed to it aged 8 by a school friend which I never knew but a little while back (6 months iirc) he was on bits as all the kids in his school were accessing really hardcore porn and he was too. He was so upset and wanted to get images out of his head. I supported him of course and dh could see how upset he was and when I spoke to him about the effect on ds1 he said he agreed how bad it was. He also looked me straight in the eye and promised me he doesn't access it.

Yesterday I had our friend over and me, her and all dc went out and dh stayed home and cooked a lovely roast. Usually he would tidy up a bit too because he is thoughtful and helps. He's also a great dad. Anyway he didn't yesterday, and thre has been an atmosphere at times for a while, I just had this feeling in my gut something was off.

Anyway, I stupidly perhaps said to him that I knew what he had been up to yesterday. I know stupid :-( there was a silence and I had that sick feeling when you just know. So I don't know why but I said, I've known for ages, why don't you just tell me.

He did, he has been accessing porn every single night while I am feeding out baby, or asleep. I am so hurt. He has lied again and again to my face. I think he may have visited prostitutes but I don't know. The porn he likes are young women with not much up top so almost look like early puberty. I just feel so angry, disappointed, hurt, confused and I do not know what to do.

He offered to pack a bag and go, he doesn't want to but he knows my trust is broken. He lied and lied and married me and we have children. Ds2 has ASD and this will devastate him, the dc adore dh really adore him.

I don't want him near me sexually at all, it feels wrong. He gets off looking at such young women/girls and goes to sleep with those images in his head every night.

I don't want to hurt our dc and our whole IDE would change. Right now I am a SAHM and also registered carer for ds2. Mywhke family adore dh. I love him but I just don't trust him and I am utterly disgusted with him and hurt. I don't want to knee jerk react and upset the children by thinking of just my feelings. But I don't want dd and ds's growing up in a bitter loveless home which could happen.

What's ironic is that he was slating our friends husband saying he thinks he's playing away and how awful he is lying to his dw.

He has porn on his PHONE, accessible anywhere, by anyone in his family. How on earth is that not disrespectful to you?

Want a safe secure and loving home fr out dx.

He's fucked up and totally betrayed my trust. This is the first and only time we've had an issue. Surely it's worth trying to salvage?

Images are saved on phone, it was the last page on Internet he accessed

But how is he trying to salvage it?

Seems to me it is only you trying to learn to accept it. And him crying, fgs.

He is upset because he got caught lying to you for years despite promising you he wouldn't use porn.

If he was really sorry he would be taking action wouldn't he? He would be looking into counselling, into books about porn and the issues around it, apologising to your DS, opening up to you and talking about it etc.

He has abused your DS. He has abused your trust.
What is it going to take for you to see this man for what he really is ?

I understand you want to save the marriage but he has got to do all the hard work. Crying is not hard work.

As it stands, you are making all the effort - twisting yourself round to try and accept a marriage with porn playing a big part of it.

He said he will not access porn, he will let me check phone every day, by saving the cache every evening will log on to an agree page and then it will show all other activity.

He will do whatever I ask.

He hasn't asked to keep accessing porn, he doesn't even know that I'm questioning whether I should ban it totally. It's after convos with sisters and mum that I'm pondering it. Honestly.

He wants you to parent him. He wants you to check up on him, and moderate him.

What is he going to do?

He has promised before that he will not access porn. Why should you believe him this time?

Full transparency is important but the problem with this is that its still you who is taking responsibility for monitoring him.

There are other ways of accessing porn -computer, second phone etc.

He needs to take responsibility and work on himself.

He has apologised to ds (thought is said that earlier), he will do whatever it takes. I just don't know what it will take. Shot I'm crap at this as hard typing out wrh small ones clambering on me

Exactly why should I believe him? Lots of reasons why and why not. I have looked through bank statements etc and nothing untoward but hate snooping.

Ive told him I will not parent him through this. I want to give him and us opportunity to get through this and if he cocks up, then he's made his choice. I know I have the strength to stand by this. done so before with ex

Sure he will do whatever it takes...

whatever it takes NOT to get caught in future.

I feel really bad for you, OP. You clearly do not see this as a dealbreaker, and wish you had never found this out. You can't undo it though.

I have just read the last few hours of responses, and your replies. Every one of those responses have made valid points, but you seem rather panicky and backed into a corner. You need to process this. It doesn't matter what we all think, actually.

What I suggest you do is (and this should actually have been the first thing you did, tbh, not sending texts and the like) is close down MN for now. I don't think it is helping you just now.

And talk to your husband

Look up some information together that details the damage that porn does to women, to men and to developing sexuality. The Feminism/Womens Rights topic has many such links and signposts to information.

Then stop getting yourself in a tizz about what you need to do regain trust, and have a proper face to face conversation about what he is going to do about it, that doesn't involve you micro-managing his behaviour like the strict mother of a teenager.

It seems to me that you are not only remarkably naive about pornography, you are also in denial about the nature of the man you are married to.

Instead of attempting to put a cosmetic plaster over the 'first and only time' you've had an 'issue', I suggest you give full consideration to what's been said here at a time when you don't feel under obligation to defend the indefensible him.

I urge you to do this because this isn't just about you and him and your marriage; it's about the longer term welfare and wellbeing of your dc

Your OP: when I found out and he saw how hurt I was (early in relationship) he said he wouldn't access it ... Over the years I've occasionally asked and more recently after having dc

15 minutes ago: ^He said he will not access porn, he will let me check phone ...
He will do whatever I ask.^

He didn't do what you asked 8 years ago. He lied when you asked multiple times later. I fully sympathise with your wish to keep on believing and hoping. Sadly, you can't un-know what you do know. Should you try, it will continue to erode your relationship. He prioritised his porn habit over your feelings at the beginning of your partnership. He did it over and over again. Past and current behaviour indicates he'll continue to do it. I know this isn't what you want to hear - thought you must be thinking it yourself - and am terribly sorry for what you must be going through.

It's not true that "all men do porn". Your dilemma is really whether you buy into the convenient myth or show enough respect for yourself - and other women, even your son's moral development - to reject a partner who sexually enjoys other women, every night in your bed, and is content with lying to you long-term.

I wouldn't judge you for choosing the latter, btw. But I think you've got to be honest with yourself about the moral compromise you're considering.

Just seen AF's reply. I assumed you had enlightened him about realities of the porn business - and its effects on users - over the course of the years. If you really haven't, give it a go. I can't see how you'd ever trust him, though, no matter what, after 8 years of deliberate dishonesty.

What has your husband actually said to your son?

What have you said to your son?

It's a horrible position to be in. I know from personal experience.

I disagree with people saying it's definitely not an addiction. My DH looked at porn from an early age and it became a big part of his life. Early in our relationship I made it clear how I felt about porn and he said that it was going to stop. I naively believed him.

Of course, he didn't. The trouble was that he wanted to, but didn't know how to. He was addicted. He hid it from me, but I had my suspicions. Our sex life just didn't felt quite right. It all came out one day and I was incredibly hurt and upset. He cried his eyes out, told me he hated himself and didn't know how to stop. He would look at porn, masturbate, then feel like shit for giving in again.

He promised he would change. He then told me for over a year, whenever I asked, that he wasn't looking, hadn't looked etc.

About a year and a half ago, it blew up again. He came out and told me he had been using porn all that time. He was shattered and I think expected me to leave. But as upset and angry as I was, I couldn't get past the fact that I'd promised to love him for better or worse. This was the worse part. I could see that he had a genuine problem and needed some help.

I know that many will disagree with me, but he asked me to keep him accountable, so I did. We have parental locks on our computer that I have the password to. To start with, we'd discuss every night how his day had gone, and he'd tell me everything, every time he'd been tempted to look etc. This was all his idea, by the way! It was bloody difficult for him to do and for me to hear. But it worked!

DH has broken the addiction! There are no more secrets between us. He still tells me on occasion when he's found something difficult (eg a colleague at work has a stash of porn mags in his desk, one day DH had a flick through, then quickly resisted and put them away) and this keeps the lines of communication clear. Our sex life is so much more satisfying, but more importantly, our whole relationship is so much better.

It has taken a long time to rebuild my trust, but he has worked so hard.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. If your DH is wanting to change and you are willing to help him, you can get through this. However, I understand the pain you are feeling, and if you don't think he wants to remove porn from his life, you should not just have to accept it!

Struggling today. Haven't broken down and feel so detached.

Massive talk ad thank you for all advice. Asked some very hard questions and talked for hours. Some progress and just giving it time right now.

But then he shows complete stupidity by the fact he was still going to o out on his weekly night out round friends last night.. He didn't.

Text today he has a nail in tyre. I don't actually care. I don't. I feel sad I don't. I feel numb.

I think if I'm honest we will get through this but I can't see how right now and how it's going to change.

He read a large article on porn from guardian and said he'd been stickig head in sand and can see how damaging and corrupt it is. I believe him, I do. But it just might be too late

Struggling today. Haven't broken down and feel so detached.

Massive talk ad thank you for all advice. Asked some very hard questions and talked for hours. Some progress and just giving it time right now.

But then he shows complete stupidity by the fact he was still going to o out on his weekly night out round friends last night.. He didn't.

Text today he has a nail in tyre. I don't actually care. I don't. I feel sad I don't. I feel numb.

I think if I'm honest we will get through this but I can't see how right now and how it's going to change.

He read a large article on porn from guardian and said he'd been stickig head in sand and can see how damaging and corrupt it is. I believe him, I do. But it just might be too late

Don't make any long term decisions - you need time and to sit back and WATCH his actions.

Sadly the fact that he was going to go out shows he does not understand that he needs to be spending time and energy in investing in the marriage, repairing the damage that he has caused.

That's what I thought madchoc. Absolutly hate that I'm a looking at him feel this cold detachment in his actions.

I know communication is best face to face but he's been texting me and I've found it almost easier to text exactly what I think. Last night new hugged but it was strange. It's like I the man I thought I knew isn't him. Would it be ok to post my texts here?