Never thought I'd be posting here :-( think marriage is over

[OhShitWhatToDo]

I've name changed, sorry but dh knows my mn name and I just need to have privacy.

Known my husband for 20 years and been together 9 years, married just over a year. We have 3 dc, eldest is my ds from prev relationship (12) youngest 2 are 4 and almost 1.

Background on this is issue to porn. I have had issues in past where I have been vulnerable and been assaulted. I've also had some bad relationships, the one prior to this ended due to my exh being addicted to over the counter painkillers. And the fact there were lies upon lies and emotionally and financially bankrupt me.

When I started dating dh I wasn't aware he accessed porn, porn is something I really feel uncomfortable with as it is often funding criminals and the girls and guys are often exploited and under age too. Anyway, when I found out and he saw how hurt I was (early in relationship) he said he wouldn't access it, and only had when single when living with his mates and it was a habit. Over the years I've occasionally asked and more recently after having dc as I've been very sure and our sex life had suffered, although between it was at times almost nightly too while ttc. I also was a bit embarrassed about my body, though I'm almost back to pre 1st baby size so confidence was back.

Re pen, ds1 got exposed to it aged 8 by a school friend which I never knew but a little while back (6 months iirc) he was on bits as all the kids in his school were accessing really hardcore porn and he was too. He was so upset and wanted to get images out of his head. I supported him of course and dh could see how upset he was and when I spoke to him about the effect on ds1 he said he agreed how bad it was. He also looked me straight in the eye and promised me he doesn't access it.

Yesterday I had our friend over and me, her and all dc went out and dh stayed home and cooked a lovely roast. Usually he would tidy up a bit too because he is thoughtful and helps. He's also a great dad. Anyway he didn't yesterday, and thre has been an atmosphere at times for a while, I just had this feeling in my gut something was off.

Anyway, I stupidly perhaps said to him that I knew what he had been up to yesterday. I know stupid :-( there was a silence and I had that sick feeling when you just know. So I don't know why but I said, I've known for ages, why don't you just tell me.

He did, he has been accessing porn every single night while I am feeding out baby, or asleep. I am so hurt. He has lied again and again to my face. I think he may have visited prostitutes but I don't know. The porn he likes are young women with not much up top so almost look like early puberty. I just feel so angry, disappointed, hurt, confused and I do not know what to do.

He offered to pack a bag and go, he doesn't want to but he knows my trust is broken. He lied and lied and married me and we have children. Ds2 has ASD and this will devastate him, the dc adore dh really adore him.

I don't want him near me sexually at all, it feels wrong. He gets off looking at such young women/girls and goes to sleep with those images in his head every night.

I don't want to hurt our dc and our whole IDE would change. Right now I am a SAHM and also registered carer for ds2. Mywhke family adore dh. I love him but I just don't trust him and I am utterly disgusted with him and hurt. I don't want to knee jerk react and upset the children by thinking of just my feelings. But I don't want dd and ds's growing up in a bitter loveless home which could happen.

What's ironic is that he was slating our friends husband saying he thinks he's playing away and how awful he is lying to his dw.

Text him this "I am not convinced this is an addiction and I think labelling it as such takes away your responsibility for your hurtful lying, total lack if respect and love and putting our child in such an awful position. You've put your want above the children and me. I'm texting this as want you to read this and properly understand. Regardless of the fact that I think any man who thinks masturbating over a image of random women downright disrespectful to any woman, and the example you've set to ds1 who looked up to you, my complete trust in you is broken. :-("

Good for you for stating your boundaries, but wouldn't that have been better said face to face ? A relationship watershed conducted by text ? Not the best way, IMO

Yes face to face best, but dh at work and won't actually get any alone time at all today/tonight. Also he doesnt allows properly listen/hear especially if a lot of high emotion. He is very likely aspergers or high functioning autistic (like ds2 who has diagnosis of HFA). So for us sometimes writing it out helps him to absorb I said. For example his response was "read, understood and I'm sorry"

Sorry his response didn't include the I'm

It was "read, understood and sorry"

So where from now. He texts back "read, understood and sorry" and case (very conveniently) closed for him ?

Also, forgive my ignorance, but is it commonplace to label someone as autistic upwards, following a diagnosis in a child ?

It sounds very much more like common-or-garden selfish male entitlement to me.

Although he promised you that he wouldn't access porn some 9 years ago, I suspect your h has continued to indulge his habit throughout the time you have known him and I also suspect he will continue to indulge himself regardless of any further promises he may make to you.

Apart from your concern over his deception and the example he has set your ds1, IMO you have a far more important issue to consider.

Given that the pornographic images he is accessing are what appear to be those of early pubescent females, are you confident that her df won't pose any risk to your dd when she approaches puberty?

To put it bluntly, your h fantasises about having sex with early pubescent female children and these images are in his mind when he masturbates and, most probably, they are also in his mind when he has sex with you.

To put it frankly, I wouldn't be comfortable with this man having unsupervised contact with any female children including his own.

Really? That's quite a large jump. I am large up top (34g at last check). He likes small boobs and slim women as a general rule (prev girlfriends). I don't fit the mould of his typical type and vice versa but that to me wasn't an issue as it was the deeper connection, wasn't all about sex for me

Dsis1 and dsis3 says most guys look at poen and they both watch it with their partners although they don't personally like it. Wonder if I am expecting too much of him to not look at all given our sex life etc isn't amazing and won't be for a while Rhe bigger issue for me was involving ds1 and lying.. He's just text me that he's struggling :-( feel bad for him. He is a bloody nice man, honestly. Thus us why I'm so hurt by lies.

He feels very guilty and doesn't want to lose his family :-(((( I want to stay with him but the trust is a big issue as is the getting ds to lie. I could probably cope with him accessing porn from time runtime as its apparantly normal.. I just don't get it or agree with it.

He is in every other aspect a good man and great dad. Every single day he helps out in the home, he works hard at work and does his best

Let him stew...poor baby, he is struggling. How bloody dare he.
He lied and got your DS to lie. Trust has gone for you and who knows how long and even if you will every get it back

AND HE IS STRUGGLING........

He's lied for a long time, consistently about something you feel very strongly about and that he had agreed was not going to be part of your life.
He has told your DS to keep secrets from you so his lie was not exposed.
Even though he knows that you have had to deal with DS1's upset with peers viewing porn.
he has excused his habit as an addiction....so it's not his fault (?????).

Not for me to say what you do but I would at least look at having time apart and he can sort out his "addiction" and you can think about where you go from here.

IMO the involvement of DS1 is very disturbing. No adult should tell a child to keep secrets (except nice temporary birthday type secrets)...it causes internal conflict and can lead to confusion about what and when to tell about bullying, abuse and criminal behaviour. After all if DH tells him not to tell about porn and DS1 complies why should he tell you about the dirty old man behind the bike sheds who gave him a smart phone for not telling mum?

good luck op

The porn he likes are young women with not much up top so almost look like early puberty

As the above is a quote from your OP, I don't consider that I've made a large jump in highlighting an issue that would be of serious concern to me if I had the misfortune to be involved with a man who has a predicliction for early teen or, given the average age of puberty in females, younger female porn.

In addition, and also from your OP, He gets off looking at such women/young girls and goes to sleep with those images in his head every night it would seem I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

There is a massive difference between a man who is turned on by (and pleases himself to) images of prepubescent girls, and one who does the same with adult women of slim build and small breasts.

Justifying his choice of porn saying he likes small boobs is quite a leap, when in reality it seems it is very very young girls he likes. The fact the breasts are small is just a "side effect" of youth.

Your issues go way beyond simple use of porn, lies, deceit, disrespect and engaging your child in deceit and disrespect!

You really should not feel sorry for him, but pack a bag for him and text him to organize alternative accommodation for the next couple of nights while you process this.

Why are you trying to normalise behaviour that you dislike yourself and which you know that many men don't do? Do you want to be like your sisters, who get involved themselves with something they don't enjoy, but presumably do, so that they don't have to own their opinions and look uncool? Do you want to be that sort of woman then?

It seems that you've decided that he will look at porn and you'd better just get used to it. There doesn't seem to have been any discussion between you about the porn industry, why he's attracted to very young girls and what that could mean in the future.

I also noticed on your other thread in Chat that yet again, it was you dusting your poor son down and not the man who caused the trouble in the first place.

Has your partner always had the most power in your relationship then?

Ok, feel like I am back tracking, they aren't Pre pubescent, they are young around 16 upwards so older. Tbh I an going from
Memory from almost 9 years ago. They were not children, if they had been, we would have split then and there and I'd have contacted police.

He likes small boobs and thin small women. I use the term
Girls as I am far from my and twenties now.

This is in no way defending him, and I'm
Sorry that I gave impression that it was children

No I will not join in. But it seems a very common thing for me to do. As disgusting as it is

It seems to me that you are somewhat naive about pornography.

Any UK citizen who views and/or downloads illegal pornographic images of actual pubescent underage girls/children risks detection, a Court appearance which may or may not result in a prison sentence but will result in a criminal record, and being placed on the sex offenders register for a proscribed period of time.

Your h accesses legal pornographic images of small breasted, slim in stature, diminutive young women who, although having attained the age of consent, have the physical appearance of being pubescent girls on internet sites which cater for those degenerates who fantasise about having sex with underage females.

Given that he thought it was OK to ask your son to lie about having been exposed to porn, I would have serious concerns about him being around children.

Anyone who teaches children that they should lie to their mother about seeing pornographic images with a grown up is a danger to them.

He has basically normalised grooming for your son and made him more vulnerable to abusers.

Can you live with that because he is a "nice man"?

Really :-S ? He's primed ds for grooming? I don't want to defend dh because he is in the wrong, but LTB and potential child abuse? I hoped for some constructive advise on how or if trust can be rebuilt, wether porn is an acceptable part of a relationship. Not to chuck him out and keep him away from our dc

How do you think you can resolve this?
Is porn use in a relationship acceptable to you?

No-one can tell you if the trust can be rebuilt in your particular relationship, because if you're the sort of person who will believe he's not using porn if he says so, then you might be able to trust him implicitly. That doesn't mean he won't use porn; it just means you might be able to trust that he isn't.

If a load of posters say porn is acceptable in a relationship - and another load say it's unacceptable, that's surely got nothing to do with your own relationship and what you can accept, has it?

Apart from him saying 'sorry' you haven't posted anything about your partner's views on this, so how can we say whether we think the trust can be rebuilt? On the evidence supplied, I'd say 'no' because he isn't saying anything - or if he is, you aren't telling us.

But from your own posts, it's clear that you're trying to talk yourself into accepting porn in your relationship. That's got to be your decision and it doesn't really matter what's acceptable for others.

What I think is an even more important concern for you is whether your son can trust either of you again.

A great Dad does not expose DC to porn, tell DC to lie/cover up, look at porn involving very young girls or disrespect the mother of his DC in this way. He is teaching your DS a very warped view of women and sex.

These are NOT the actions of a good father.

The fact that he is into very young girls (even 16 is very dodgy) would worry me too. The nature of internet porn means that in order to get a high, one looks for more extreme images...there is a very strong and well established link between convicted sex offenders and porn.

You may need to be prepared to do a search of his history internet and check out the sites he is visiting. You need to know that your family is safe.

And remember that you are entitled to your feelings about this issue. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you are overreacting.

I feel for you

Why wouldn't my son be able to trust me? I find that quite a statement.

Ok, he has apologised and is very very upset at the hey he has caused and that he has put having a family at risk. He said he doesn't eat to lose his family and cant concentrate. Therefore his mind is on this.

He isn't a talker or one to get all emotional. He was say across the table from me last night visibly upset with red eyes and voice breaking. He is very sorry and seems to be answeringy questions honestly.

I have just had call from him at work (we usually speak every lunch), the upset in his voice is so clear and tbh I just want to hug him. He has been incredibly stupid and hurtful and cocked up. I questioned him about the type of women he's been looking at and voiced that he could be lusting after underage girls and his response was clearly upset and not what he has been doing or feels. I Actualy feel shit for asking as I basically asked my husband wether he was a paedo. I mean how do we come back from that?

If he had been looking at pics every now and then I don't think it'd be a huge issue, it's the involvment of ds, lies and every night

Your views on porn is not NEW! He has not cocked up, he has deliberately set out to disrespect you.

He is not a good father if he has pornographic images on his phone! And keep the phone accessible to his children. And when his near teenage son sees a naked lady on said phone, tries to make his son an accomplice in his porn us and disrespects you further by asking him to cover for him!

It is SHOCKING!

Heck, he didn't expose dc to porn. I called dh and ds1 answered dh's phone which had last image he looked at on. Of a topless woman. That's it. He's not sat them down and popped a porn DVD on, nor was the image extreme. He's been looking for 20 years, and is still looking at images of 'pretty women' as he described it. Not extreme or fetish.

I am starting to regret posting. I'm not looking to condone his actions because he is in the wrong. I don't think (now I've calmed down) this is end of marriage. I want to keep family As does he. Don't want to be paranoid, or him to be untrustworthy. I don't want bitterness and anger I

He has really done a number on you, when you despite all this is falling for his puppy tears.

He is crying because he got caught. Not because of the hurt he has caused.