Is it worth all the hassle?

[nitrox]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5yrs, get on well most of the time, but I feel as though I'm stiffling my life to be with him.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't want to make a long boring post.

Basically I am fed up of him being fussy about everything possible.. when he's tired from work he picks arguments over the slightest thing. Last night he did the same and I ended up walking off and going bed at 9:30 just to avoid an argument.

Maybe he's not happy either? I'm overweight, (size 20), in my final year at Uni and work full time running my own business. I leave plenty of room for him/us so that's not the issue, and he goes football every other week and i've never had any problem with this, gives me time to work harder as he's away the full day.

The problem is, I just don't feel like doing anything with him. We met through a mutal hobby that neither of us has been going to for the last 6 months, it used to be my social circle of friends and that diminished over time as gradually he seems to have turned me against everyone.

He's very negative/suspicious and untrusting of everyone. Makes issues with the neighbours and gets irate about them, when it's just 'one of those things' in my head and I don't see why he makes a big deal about it.

He's not very manly, and I hate saying that as I'm not very girly! But I end up sorting everything in the house to do with tradesmen, bills etc as he wouldn't be up to talking to or arranging anything.

Obviously there is a whole back story to all this, petty arguments, childish behaviour, secrecy, white lies and tbh it's been a complete stressfull struggle since the day I met him.

I had a long term partner previous to this for 8.5yrs, and it was totally different. It didn't work out for many reasons, but I can't help thinking that the first 4/5yrs with the ex was so much fun and maybe it's rose tinted spectacles, but it was good. Everything I have with my current partner has memories that should have been happy tainted with irritation, arguments or just annoyance at how he behaves.

I'm 29 now and starting to consider children when I'm in my early 30's. I don't want to marry him. I don't even know if I want to stay together anymore.

My sister lives abroad and I have often considered going and seeing what it's like and working abroad for a year or two.

How do I decide? I don't know what to think.. just fed up of another weekend hiding in my office working because it's been spoiled by his frankly odd attitude over something minor.

The more time passes, the more irritated I'm becoming.. any words of advice?

P.s there is no-one else involved. I'm not financially tied to him. No kids. Financially secure on my own. He's financially secure on his own. I do love him, not sure I like him sometimes though.

I'm struggling to see any reason for you to stay!! Why would you?

Hello my dear,

Have you considered breaking up with him? You are right that there is a whole world out there, why hold yourself back for a man? You'll only end up resenting him......I'd break up with him and be single for a while, do a bit of traveling, and then find a new man, or a few new men.

x

How do you decide? Read your OP. What reason do you have to stay with this paranoid waste of space?

Fear of not finding anybody better?
Fear of making a mistake?
Fear of hurting him as I do love him very much, but not sure I want 'this'.

I don't know.. I think he presumes I'll stay.. I've told him countless times how he's driving me away, causing issues that I can't forget. He's said some downright nasty insensitive things to me in the past and I've always said how awful I think that is. Argument or not, I don't tear strips off him.

To be fair, he didn't follow me last night to continue the argument, which is better than it was, but still he was nasty in how he was talking to me, when all I asked is 'what did you do with al the toilet roll'. Seriously, it was that petty! I couldn't believe he was seriously starting an argument about it.

He's back from work now and obviously thinks he's still in the right as he hasn't apologised and is giving the silent treatment.

Well, that doesn't work with me as I know I've not done anything wrong.

Thank you x

I know he will have his side of the story, but I honestly am normally a chilled out person, always had lots of friends. Whereas he is a loner and get's jealous of other people, which I detest in a person. I hate jealousy and spitefulness..

I just wonder is all the problems he creates are his own doing. He is very much a victim in life.

There is always another man. And the silent treatment over toilet roll is crap. he sounds like he takes his issues out on you, and you can't see what the face value issue is, but it is more likely something under the surface which he is calling the face value issue.....and being hurtful about it.........all of this equals his issue not yours.

Fear of not finding anybody better? - And you think you'll find someone better if you stay with him?
Fear of making a mistake? - I think you've been telling us that mistakes have already been made.
Fear of hurting him as I do love him very much, but not sure I want 'this'. - You are not responsible for his feelings; and imagine if he were to find out that you were choosing to stay simply because you didn't want to hurt him?

Sometimes you have to take a risk, you really do.

something2say - yes, you are exactly right!

Everytime an issues comes up, it's always about something else, and takes a few hours of shouting at eachother to find out what it is. Nowdays I can't be bothered with shouting, he's the only one ever to make me shout/swear, it's not me! I'm a talker and logical.. he just tries to hurt my feelings.

I know he's stressed at work, but christ almighty, I'm sorry but I work full time on my business and am at Uni full time too, plus dealing with the household issues, boiler breakdowns, bathroom refit, window refit.. mum moving away, car broke down... sorry, but he has it bloody easy in comparrison.

I've got to the point where I don't care what the real issue is, as it's his problem to sort out, not mine. Invariably it's something petty or something he's blown all out of proportion and I'm sick of the drama!

His family (well, his mum) live here, mine live 150 miles away.. mum is more abroad in the near future.. just to clear that up.

I have a very good best friends (male) that he hates me having.. very jealous, but I've kept my friendship anyhow as it's very important to me, we are just mates nothing more. He makes sly digs at me about it all the time, but getting sick of it. I've always had male friends, I'm a tomboy, and my friend is married with kids, and I'm friends with his wife too. He refuses to meet up with them as couples and get to know eachother, he just isn't interested at all.

sorry for typo's, just trying to type too fast!

I think I need to taske a risk yes, do I do it immediately, or take time to finish Uni and plan it?

That's not one I can advise you on, but I would echo those immortal words: "If not you, who? If not now, when?"

Very wise words. I just don't want to waste my life.

He's trying to be nice now..

And how do you feel about his behaviour change, nitrox? What's that telling you?

That he's scared now, because I haven't backed down. Playing mind games probably.

He'll be all apologies now, the door just went (a delivery), and he was downstairs but didn't answer it, so I've rushed down to answer it, even though I'm busy and he isn't.

Asked him why he didn't answer, and he said because he didn't know who it was. Stuff like that pisses me right off! He'd rather just not bother, but if he had ordered something he would have opened the door.

Gah!

I don't see the point in dragging something out that isn't working. Keeping on doing what you're doing feeds into a 'negative loop' of behaviour that then regularly demands that it is fed -- whether by annoyance, anger, contempt, or self-reproach.

I would also consider seeing a therapist, if you can, nitrox: you come across as someone who tends to put other people's interests before your own managing everything yourself which (if that's the case) is a form of control that stops you from looking at how you behave in relationships, and why you make the choices you do.

Give me strength! Why have you wasted 3 and half years on this total tosser when it should have been apparent to you in 3 and half weeks, or months if you're a slow learner, that he's no good to woman or beast?

You're starting to 'consider' having children in your early 30's? FGS don't choose him or anyone like him to be your sperm donor.

Are you renting or buying the property you live in? If the former, you can be moved out and ready to start living life to the max by the end of next week.

'ready to start living life to the max by the end of next week. '

This made me laugh and cry at the same time, really hit home how much I've given up..

Conflugenglugen - I have considered seeing someone, I feel that I'm a people pleaser and whilst this works most of the time, with him, he's all take take take.. and it's draining me and making me resent him a lot.

I'm an intelligent person, doing well at uni, top of my class.. he isn't an 'academic', and whilst this doesn't bother me, I think it bothers him.

You are not living your life just now, it seems you are just existing while watching the time go past.
After university the world is your oyster, you have no ties to keep you in your current life so perhaps it is time to wipe the slate clean and start again. Go abroad and explore, there is plenty of time for kids .

Your DP is dragging you down

Renting..

Doha - you are right, and that is exactly how I've been feeling.

I think - people get hurt sometimes, but they get over it. That isn't a reason for not being with your partner anymore.

Do you worry about being alone? Because that too (although very hard at times) is absolutely fine, and the majority of time, its bloody brilliant ;)

Funny though, your partner sounds like my Dad, my ex and the most recent fling I had - the loner status, the 'throughly-capable-but-I'll-let-you-do-it-all'. You think you'll need to make allowances for some behaviour...but really? That bullshit? Lifes too short.

I'm not worried about being alone as such.. more worried that I'll not meet someone long term, if that makes sense.

I've lived on my own before, and it's fine, and like you say, pretty fun!

He would let me do everything if he could, but i've demanded he do his fair share, altho he doesn't bother half the time.

He lived at home until 34yrs old, so I guess it was a non-starter from the word go!

It's your life, honey, and only you can fuck it up live it.

If you carry on like this you are going to be full of regret about the 'what if's' and 'if only's' in your later years.

As for not meeting someone else, given that there's more than a few billion single males in the world that is statistically improbable and there's no need for you to rush into coupledom with men who fail enhance your life.

Set yourself high standards, make plans to see more of the world, and go for it sooner rather than later.

You're 29, don't settle for this tosspot!!

Having a piece of paper that is testimony to the fact that you've read lots of other bits of paper isn't the be all and end all, but settling for a man who's less intelligent, less inquiring, less determined to embrace life than you are, can only lead to frustration, unfulfilment, and the above mentioned regret in later years.

Ditch the deadwood and go wander in the forest.

get out now! he's clearly no good for you. There are plenty of other men out there who are not loons reasonable, and who you could enjoy being with. Also, being single is FAR more fun than life with a git... TRY IT!