Is it worth all the hassle?

[nitrox]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5yrs, get on well most of the time, but I feel as though I'm stiffling my life to be with him.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't want to make a long boring post.

Basically I am fed up of him being fussy about everything possible.. when he's tired from work he picks arguments over the slightest thing. Last night he did the same and I ended up walking off and going bed at 9:30 just to avoid an argument.

Maybe he's not happy either? I'm overweight, (size 20), in my final year at Uni and work full time running my own business. I leave plenty of room for him/us so that's not the issue, and he goes football every other week and i've never had any problem with this, gives me time to work harder as he's away the full day.

The problem is, I just don't feel like doing anything with him. We met through a mutal hobby that neither of us has been going to for the last 6 months, it used to be my social circle of friends and that diminished over time as gradually he seems to have turned me against everyone.

He's very negative/suspicious and untrusting of everyone. Makes issues with the neighbours and gets irate about them, when it's just 'one of those things' in my head and I don't see why he makes a big deal about it.

He's not very manly, and I hate saying that as I'm not very girly! But I end up sorting everything in the house to do with tradesmen, bills etc as he wouldn't be up to talking to or arranging anything.

Obviously there is a whole back story to all this, petty arguments, childish behaviour, secrecy, white lies and tbh it's been a complete stressfull struggle since the day I met him.

I had a long term partner previous to this for 8.5yrs, and it was totally different. It didn't work out for many reasons, but I can't help thinking that the first 4/5yrs with the ex was so much fun and maybe it's rose tinted spectacles, but it was good. Everything I have with my current partner has memories that should have been happy tainted with irritation, arguments or just annoyance at how he behaves.

I'm 29 now and starting to consider children when I'm in my early 30's. I don't want to marry him. I don't even know if I want to stay together anymore.

My sister lives abroad and I have often considered going and seeing what it's like and working abroad for a year or two.

How do I decide? I don't know what to think.. just fed up of another weekend hiding in my office working because it's been spoiled by his frankly odd attitude over something minor.

The more time passes, the more irritated I'm becoming.. any words of advice?

P.s there is no-one else involved. I'm not financially tied to him. No kids. Financially secure on my own. He's financially secure on his own. I do love him, not sure I like him sometimes though.

ps I imagine your old friends would be thrilled to hear you have finally split up. Perhaps you could get back in touch?

You sound bright, articulate, funny, capable, imagine the joyous freedom of finishing with this guy. You don't have to stick with someone because you don't (yet) hate his guts.

I can't remember reading one good thing about him in all that! He sounds awful and depressing.

My advice? Dump him, finish university, live your life (and don't you worry, you'll find somebody wonderful to settle down with).

Life is too short to live with the crap he dishes up. Get rid, finish Uni and have some fun, the right one will find you one day, and if not you can have fun while you are looking.
As a side, a friend of my Mum has girls in their 30's and early 40's, nice intelligent educated, one married had a couple of kids and is doing well, the other was busy having fun running a company, traveling, had a few men come and go, never settled for the wrong one. She is now having her first baby, on her terms, her timetable, she's single and doing it on her won. She already owns her house and business and is so happy. So in the end if you don't find the right one you can still have it all on your own terms. Never settle for just good enough.

There's only one thing worse than wasting three and a half years on a tosser, and that's spending three and a half years and one day on a tosser.....

Right (rolls up sleeves) what's the plan?
Let's get you out of this nonsense and off enjoying life and friends and university and work without having the negative, dragging feeling that you get being in a relationship that just doesn't suit you any more.

As you do everything ANYWAY, you can certainly move out and into a little place that is all yours, and start the rest of your life.
How can we help?

What in all the name that is holy has kept you within this for the last 3.5 years?. (An inherent sense of low self worth and esteem probably). What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is not your project to rescue and or save; he is now dragging you down with him and is happy to do so. Cut this deadwood from your life now and you will be a lot bloody happier in the long term.

And how can you love someone you sound like you do not even like very much?. What is there to love about this particular individual, did you think that your love and kindness would somehow make him see the light and become a nicer individual?. Wrong on all counts there.

I would also look carefully at all the stuff you have learnt about relationships to date and re-assess your whole approach to relationships. All the damaging crap you have learnt over the years needs to be unlearnt. I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Lots of good advice here.

I've just reread your OP and the fourth paragraph jumped out:

Maybe he's not happy either? I'm overweight, (size 20), in my final year at Uni and work full time running my own business.

The first thing you listed as a possible reason for his unhappiness is your weight, followed by things you've achieved. You should not be trying to figure out how what you are, and do, might be making him unhappy. If he's unhappy it's up to him to work out why and fix it, and if it's really true that you working for success is a problem, that's a good reason to finish with him.

I'd agree with Attila about self-esteem.

Look, you want children, and this guy doesn't sound like a great match for you co-parenting wise.

Can you honestly look at him and say that you'd be happy if your children grew up to have his attitude and values? That you'd be happy if your daughter married a man exactly like him?

And that doesn't even come into the practical stuff, like how you would deal with differences of opinion over parenting issues (look at how you deal with differences of opinion now and multiply that by about 20, because it's a very emotionally charged topic)

See how you divide household stuff - at the moment you're having to nag him to do his share and he still doesn't do it half the time - again, this split will be worse with a child because it's very draining and the work involved is hard, without looking very hard to someone who isn't doing it (hence, justifying their lack of involvement)

Look also at how you approach shared endeavours - it might be that you haven't had a chance to see this in action with anything big like getting a place together but household stuff comes under this, and things like planning holidays or where you will spend Christmas. Are you working together, each doing your own thing or is one person dominating?

You will meet someone and you can expect a whole lot better than this. You want someone who is fun, who you can laugh with, who encourages and inspires you and who you can work together with as a team, problem solving, discussing, listening, compromising, supporting. And he'll be sex on legs (at least in your eyes!) and any other good points you want to throw in there. Have high standards! High standards don't mean you're being impossibly fussy, they just mean you're being sensible. Don't get stuck in a crap relationship out of fear of not meeting anyone. You meet around 50,000 people over the course of your life... and not one of them could be better than this one? Really?

Oh and read this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody/

Sounds from your OP that you already have decided.

it's been a complete stressfull struggle since the day I met him.

Just this ^

You are wasting your life.

ready to start living life to the max by the end of next week.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

He's a drainer. Kids shouldn't be an issue here. You are young and have plenty of time.

Your partner sounds like my husband. Niggly, negative, jealous, insecure. I also have to get my own car repaired if it goes wrong (and usually get ripped off because I'm a woman, someone once charged me £56 for a £1.33 light bulb and I had no idea). It's so draining.

Don't make the mistake I did and think you can fix him. People like him feed off 'people pleasers' because anyone with higher self esteem who has a healthy level of 'pleasing myself' would have been out of the door ages ago.

I'm extricating myself after fifteen years with a drainer and it's not easy. His petty jealousy extends to the children.

Get out now and start enjoying your life. It's not your job to rescue this damaged man and the longer you stay the more damage you will suffer yourself.

He sounds like the type who would scotch everything you do, any opportunity that comes up for you. When you finish your degree, the world will be your oyster. It should be a very, very special person to give up an iota of that. Is he?

In answer to your question:

No.

Good luck OP

I'm back

I thought I may aswell post again on this thread as I'm feeling the exact same. I did read all the replies and I think you are all right in what you say.

Same thing happens though, we argue, I get very upset, feel like I'm wasting my life, and then he apologises and it's goes round and round like that..

My mum gives a very unhealthy view of relationships unfortunately, and is quite willing to be treated like sh1t to not be 'alone'. I'm not that desperate, and once again, a few bad arguments this week have me back to square one.

The most recent came from no-where, we were talking about kids one day and I casually said, no football whilst there are babies (he a season ticket holder for a club 2.5hrs drive away), so he out for the whole day at home games. Currently not an issue, but when I have kids? yes, it will be an issue. He totally got childish and stupid about it as normal and say I can't dictate what he is allowed to do, which I agree with, but this is different. I said when I have a baby one day I will need a lot of help and you can't expect to be having days out on your own for a hobby every other weekend! He didn't see it at all, and I feel really fed up. Yet again

I'm just fed up of having an issue with him, getting his sh1tty attitude back, then having to explain every last bit of my side of it to get him to realise what I meant, and to see it from my point of view. I don't mean he has to agree with everything I say, but, why not even say 'I know what you mean, if you are struggling I won't go, but if everything is ok I will go to a game now and then'..

I just feel trapped in this relationship. Had a dream last night where I met someone else and woke up remembering how nice it is when you enjoy someone's company.

Oh and I said maybe we shouldn't have kids then, he agreed and has stormed off out.

Sat here feeling like I'm failing at life and don't know how much more I can put up with really.

You're going to have to unlearn all the damaging crap your mother taught you about relationships when growing up. This is because present day you're just repeating in your own life what she and others like your Dad taught you.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful in also helping you rebuild your own self esteem and worth. A poor sense of self esteem is also keeping you within this and you are full of self doubt.

You've had 3.5 years of such nonsense from this man already, do not condemn yourself to yet another 3.5 years of the same because such men do not change. You are not here to rescue and or save someone who does not want to be helped and you cannot act either as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

I agree I have low self esteem. I am confident in a lot of ways, but always seem to end up with the low self esteem, thinking people don't like me etc etc.. he doesn't help at all..

I'm sick of all this crap, it's the same crap all the time.. it just wasn't like this with the ex at all, and although it didn't work out for a variety of reasons, we didn't argue like this and I wasn't faced with a childish attitude and having to explain everything.

He's gone out leaving me upset, he knows I have to concentrate on Uni work today but obviously doesn't care at all.. he just flies off the handle if we have a difference of opinion. I'm quite happy debating different point, but he just gets sarky and insulting.

In other ways he is very much a hugger and kisser, very affectionate in that way, but a bit too much. It irritates me and I want to be left alone, I think it's a control thing tbh.

I agree I need counselling, I just feel like crap and then everything feels better the next day and I don't do anything.

OK he is telling you what he is like here. He believes childcare to be woman's responsibility, something he helps out with, but really needn't change his life. After all that is what women are for.

Believe him.

Leave him. There is no advantage to you staying. At all.

Yes, he said 'well you were on about shipping out kids to a nanny or whatever' - with a look of disgust on his face! (I run my own business and have always said I will work full time when we have kids).

I said 'well you give up work and look after the children' - he flatly refused!

So I said 'well why should I give up work, just because I am a woman??'

Sounds petty I know, but I know I'm not wrong! I want to be independant, even when I have kids. I read enough stories on here to know it's not a good idea to rely on any man and I want to know I have my own life, career etc in case of changes in the future.

I said if I worked we would have to use childcare, he agreed, but obviously the truth is coming out now.

I'm an intelligent person (more so than him), I could get a very good job when I leave Uni, and I think he's worried that I'll leave him and get a life.

I'm sick of the lack of conversation too, he isn't on the same wavelength as me at all.

Oh he really is a dead weight isn't he?

You sound like you've got so much to offer, don't throw good time after bad.

Just dump him, what's the point of being with him? Leave yourself free to find someone more suited to you. There are better men out there.

As long as you stay with him, your self esteem won't get better because he makes you feel shitty.

I'm overweight but I try not to let it define me, i am what i am, I have a lovely husband and a ds, I used to beat myself up about it but life is too short. I'm actually losing weight just now and not even trying, because I feel content with my lot.

Don't let the bastard grind you down anymore.

Start your new beginning By losing 12 stone of idiot and ditch him.

You are financially independent, you don't need him for anything, you are smart, successful and likeable. You don't need a man like him to prove your worth.

Just leave him, love. :(

I think he's worried that I'll leave him and get a life.

He isn't really selling himself for you to want to stay though is he??

What do I do though, tell him I want to split up? I think we need to have a chat, but no matter how many times he say's he'll change, he never does.

I need to just end it, we have so much 'stuff' together though, it's going to be a nightmare..

I know I have to end it, I'm 30 next year and can't live like this forever, I'm miserable.

I can't stick to a diet, and I know it's because it's the only thing I enjoy at the moment.

I never want to make plans for the weekend because I find it boring doing things with him.

I went out with my best friend in the week and had such a good day out, I should have that with my boyfriend but it's not happening.