Is it worth all the hassle?

[nitrox]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5yrs, get on well most of the time, but I feel as though I'm stiffling my life to be with him.

I don't want to drip feed, but I don't want to make a long boring post.

Basically I am fed up of him being fussy about everything possible.. when he's tired from work he picks arguments over the slightest thing. Last night he did the same and I ended up walking off and going bed at 9:30 just to avoid an argument.

Maybe he's not happy either? I'm overweight, (size 20), in my final year at Uni and work full time running my own business. I leave plenty of room for him/us so that's not the issue, and he goes football every other week and i've never had any problem with this, gives me time to work harder as he's away the full day.

The problem is, I just don't feel like doing anything with him. We met through a mutal hobby that neither of us has been going to for the last 6 months, it used to be my social circle of friends and that diminished over time as gradually he seems to have turned me against everyone.

He's very negative/suspicious and untrusting of everyone. Makes issues with the neighbours and gets irate about them, when it's just 'one of those things' in my head and I don't see why he makes a big deal about it.

He's not very manly, and I hate saying that as I'm not very girly! But I end up sorting everything in the house to do with tradesmen, bills etc as he wouldn't be up to talking to or arranging anything.

Obviously there is a whole back story to all this, petty arguments, childish behaviour, secrecy, white lies and tbh it's been a complete stressfull struggle since the day I met him.

I had a long term partner previous to this for 8.5yrs, and it was totally different. It didn't work out for many reasons, but I can't help thinking that the first 4/5yrs with the ex was so much fun and maybe it's rose tinted spectacles, but it was good. Everything I have with my current partner has memories that should have been happy tainted with irritation, arguments or just annoyance at how he behaves.

I'm 29 now and starting to consider children when I'm in my early 30's. I don't want to marry him. I don't even know if I want to stay together anymore.

My sister lives abroad and I have often considered going and seeing what it's like and working abroad for a year or two.

How do I decide? I don't know what to think.. just fed up of another weekend hiding in my office working because it's been spoiled by his frankly odd attitude over something minor.

The more time passes, the more irritated I'm becoming.. any words of advice?

P.s there is no-one else involved. I'm not financially tied to him. No kids. Financially secure on my own. He's financially secure on his own. I do love him, not sure I like him sometimes though.

Seriously, I think you have to shift your window of expectation about this relationship in order to leave it. At the moment you seem to talking about it as if it is salvageable, as if he could have some epiphany and change. It isn't and he won't. These beliefs he has are entrenched. He sees no reason to change, not for you, not for anyone.

Instead of looking for potential in a dead relationship, why not think of it as a lucky escape. After all you could have had children with this man, be currently going through PND due to lack of support and possibly financially trapped as well.

You mentioned going abroad to see your sister. I can't recommend this highly enough. Even if it were just for an extended visit rather than to work. Distance yourself from this man, work on your self-esteem (which travelling helps with any way) and just see a different way of life.

I really think you need to start changing your frame of mind about this man and the sustainability of this relationship. Otherwise you will be back next month and the month after and the month after that with the same old situation. Only by then you nay find yourself pregnant and your choices vastly reduced.

He came back, ignored me, so I asked to talk. Told him I want to split up, he said he did as well, wouldn't talk to me only shouting.

I asked him not to shout at me as I don't deserve it, all I want to do is sort things out.

He said I won't find anyone else, he can get a 'bird' easily.. despite never having a girlfriend at 32 when I met him and still living at home.

Anyhow, said he never loved me, was using me, as that is all I am good for.

He has a habit of spouting hurtful shit at me when in an argument, so I expected it, but still, what a thing to say to someone !

Anyhow, I didn't escalate it any further and he's stomped off and started packing his stuff, whether he will actually go is anyone's guess, he can be quite dramatic when he wants to.

So, feel awful, but maybe it's for the best in the long run, altho I'm sure this won't be the end of the argument yet.

If I were you I'd find myself somewhere to move to and present it fait accompli. It's over, you know he won't change dispite his promises, you can't have him bring you down anymore. Then book a van and pack your stuff up, enlist friends to help.

Then when you can go visit your sister for an extended break and take the rest of your life as it comes.

By sort out - I mean sort out the separation and house things.

Xposts

What a wankstaincuntbadger he is. Let him go. In fact go and offer to help him pack. He is projecting his insecurities on to you. He knows you'll find someone else and he'll never find anyone stupid enough

He is not worth it. Call your friends tell them what's happening and see if they'll meet you for dinner or something.

Life is too short to settle, you know that. ((Hugs))

Ok what do you need to sort?

Rental property - who's name is on the lease?
Cars - the belong to who ever they are registered to, if the is joint finance, you need to sort that put
Bank accounts? Do you have any joint finances? Savings

Start ringing round tomorrow to take his name off things, lease, joint accounts etc. they will have had to deal with this sort of thing before so let them take the lead on what needs done.

Pack up the rest of his stuff once he leaves and tell him to collect it before bin day or it goes with the bin men.

Fwiw my best friend has gone through exactly this at the beginning of the year. She turned 30, has travelled the world for a long holiday, and is having a ball. It was tough to start with, but she is through it and now looking back knows she has made the right decision. He wankstaincuntbadger of an ex now realises what he's lost, but he is too late. She's moved on and is bigger and better than ever before.

Well, had a long argument/chat - I asked if he was leaving, he said he was getting stuff ready to leave, and it's non of my business, was nasty to me.. carried on, I tried to be cool and asking if he felt good talking and saying things like that to me, and he calmed down a bit and sated to talk properly.

I pointed out that I wasn't happy, explained that his attitude was awful and he isn't making me happy at all, argued and eventually he was saying the usual 'sorry, I don't mean it' and 'You know I don't mean it, I just say it to hurt you'... 'I will do more around the house'..

He asked me to tell him what needs doing and he will do it, I said I'm not your mum, you have eyes, work out what needs doing, I'm not giving you a sodding list! Fair enough he says..

I've pointed out all bad things, he's agreed he'll change etc etc, very sorry sorry sorry, I'm so sorry etc etc etc

Then at the end, I said well, 'we will leave it at that as I don't want to sit here all night with long silences, but don't know if I want to stay together or not, I've not decided'.

So he says 'well, I guess if you haven't decided , then I don't need to do anything in the house because it might be pointless if we split up'.

I just said to him, you haven't listened or changed one bit, he tried to justify it by saying I shouldn't have said what I said about maybe still splitting up! I should have kept quiet and gone along with it being the end of the argument.

Is it me?? am I wrong here?? what on Earth is he on about.. I'm so p1ssed off I can't even explain it all very well.. who the hell does he think he is..

I just said, leave me alone, you will always be like this..

Sorry, I am reading your replies and I am so grateful for the support, I need all these happy stories to keep me going!

Rent: Both names on the agreement
Bank: Totally separate finances
Cars: Spearate cars

We don't have anything but the rent linked, all bills are in my name and come out of my account, apart from the council tax is in his name as i'm classed as a student and so my name couldn't go first..

I text my best friend and he said to ring him if i need to chat, but I can call him or go round tomorrow on my way back from Uni.

He knows I've been having doubts for ages and I generally tell him most things about my issues

I'd love to go travelling, after the degree obviously, I just don't know what to do for the best... he can be so lovely 80% of the time.

I think he's making dinner and doing the bathroom now.. ha..

You sound incredible, OP, to be honest. You're running a business full time as well as being a full time student? Is the business something you could transfer abroad if you went to live near your sister for a while?

I think your problem with your weight will go when you're happy. You'll have a lot more energy and you won't rely on food to cheer you up. Any of us would be the size of a block of flats if we were living with him! He sounds as though he saps anything fun out of your life.

When you go to bed tonight, start to do some visualisation techniques. Don't think about how you'll leave him or having to confront him etc. Think about what your life would be like. Picture yourself living somewhere new. Picture yourself and your friend painting your new living room. Think of having some friends round for a celebratory meal. Picture yourself lighting the candles, cooking some food. Now picture yourself walking around your new flat - the atmosphere is good and positive. There isn't a room you don't want to go into because someone will be vile to you. It's your new home and you're going to be happy there. Do this every night and then start to think how you can make it happen.

I think you know there isn't anything he can do to make you change your mind. He can promise the earth but unless he delivers his words mean nothing.

He thinks by saying things you want to hear you will change your mind wrong!

Speak to your landlords, how you can go about transferring the tenancy into your sole name. Council tax is easily fixed once the tenancy is sorted. Can you afford to live there on your own? If so I would suggest he carries on packing because his words mean diddly squat if they aren't followed up by action.

You really are telling us the exact same story as my friend. She moved out, back into her flat she as renting out because it happened to be empty. She made the break because he wouldn't. He then pursued her, send letters full of promises, basically telling her everything she wanted to hear (their problems were his fear of commitment and him being unsure about kids) 1 3 and 5 year plan on PowerPoint! She believed him and moved back, rented out her flat on a year long lease, a month later he "changed his mind" and "wasn't feeling it" anymore.

She moved out again int a fla share and has been on her travels, has big plans for her future not involving him. My old friend is back, he had changed her, clipped her wings so to speak. But now she is back with full plumage and soaring high!

He on the other hand, is miserable, he had 2 chances, not many people get a second, but he did and blew it. Didumms (I don't like him very much can you tell?)

Thanks ImperialBlether, I do get complimented a lot of my drive and energy (even by the boyfriend) but I don't feel it myself , probably my self-esteem.

He is my biggest fan, he's supportive, encouraging and will listen to me talk about stuff for ages.. I can see the admiration in his eyes so why does he do this.. it's like he knows I'll leave one day, so he'll get his insults in first. Despite the fact that it's not my style to insult, I'm happy to talk but I don't throw insults at him, even when he does it to me.

I can afford to live here on my own yes, it's a big house but I have the income to pay for it.

The business could be transferred to Australia yes, altho it would take time to build it up, I send a lot of my products to Australia funnily enough, so i know there is a market for it. I make it myself, so would just need the machine I use.

& yes, full time business and full time Uni, I don't seem to have days off or time to relax, he knows this and again, is very supportive, but thinks nothing of starting an argument over nothing which affects my concentration etc..

He is very insecure, always has been. I said to him earlier, no in a nasty way, but to look how much he has changed since I met him (for the good), compared to how much I have changed (for the bad), and what does he bring to my life. He agreed.. but him agreeing doesn't change the fundamental flaws he has.

I just feel sad. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. I'm scared of the unknown.. not living on my own, I did that for nearly 2yrs after I split with the ex and it was fine.. but just that I'll never find anyone better and I'll regret it. That I'm asking too much and all men are like it, and how will I know until I waste spend another 3.5yrs of my life on them.

So many questions, I think I need to plan things and visualise what I want from life, rather than look at the situation itself and all its obstacles.

Sorry for the long post!

p.s he's making dinner

GlaikitFizzog, thanks, you have helped me realise what the future could hold.

I was very independant when with my ex, we did our own thing and I still went on snowsports holidays with friends etc.. ex wasn't abusive at all, just too boring for me

Current boyfriend on the other hand is abusive, jealous and controlling, altho he would say he isn't, but he is.

I don't see many friends anymore, just one who I used to work with who I refuse to give up (he's married with kids), despite the boyfriend jokingly ribbing me about him, but we are genuinely just great friends.. nothing more. I knows he's seething with jealousy but knows I won't lose my friend at all.

But, evenings as groups of friends have stopped, even mutual friends through our hobby, as he slowly started to turn me against them I'm not even sure how it happened.

Also, I'm so pessimistic nowdays, and judgemental and I never used to be at all but these are traits he's always had since I met him and I think I've just picked them up

I spent 7 years of my life with a man like you currently have, I piled on so much weight, lost all my confidence and became a shell of the real me. He too is one of life's victims, it is very very draining. Eventually something snapped for me, I had a gorgeous 3 year old daughter but nothing else, I even worked in his family business so there was no escape, except there was. I went out, got a new job, put a deposit on a rented house and left him, he begged, pleaded, got angry, spiteful the lot but my mind was made up, no way my daughter was growing up I that hole of an environment.

I've now been with my husband for 8 years, we have a 5 year of together and both my girls are now living in a happy, loving, solid family home, sure we have our ups and downs but nothing liked endured before.

I love both my girls with all my heart and could never regret having the eldest with that knob BUT my advice to you would be get out now, while you have nothing tying you to him forever. Live the life you want to, we get one crack at it so don't look back in your old age wondering want things could have been.

Good luck.

Oh and I meant to say, our true friends will still be there, I got back in touch with loads of my old friends when i was finally free of him, I've just spent an awesome weekend with some of them.

He's just dragging you down - jealousy if you have your own life, etc. - go for that foreign time away, now that you still can - you are young enough, no ties, no kids, etc.

Don't look back on your life and regret what you didn't do to follow your own passion.

The choice is yours.

Morning nitrox, how did it go last night? Hope you are ok :)

Lisa, I'm sure my weight is not helped by him at all, he is slim typically lol.. I totally agree with your use of the word 'victim', that describes him perfectly! & I know my old mates would love to see me again, I've got so much going on right now it's not a good time to make plans with them, but next year is going to be different.

Suburbohobe - I'd love to do it, and he's pushing me closer and closer to it, I guess I just need one more push maybe, or at least to finish Uni, and then I have the whole world to go for!

Glaikitfizzog, thanks for the message I'm okay, last night went okay, so far as there was no arguing, just him apologising all night, lots of tears, I am so upset because I think he's spoilt it beyond repair now. I've put up with a lot of crap and I don't know if I can get the trust or love back I've said this to him today by text as I was at uni/him at work, and he's basically saying it'll all be different, he's ashamed of how he has been and he's been lazy and isn't suprised I feel this way. The thing is, that's what he always says, then in a couple of weeks the same crap will happen all over again. Maybe he'll 'behave' for a few months even, but eventually I don't think he can help being a tw@t.

I have until May next year until I finish Uni, for my best interests I can't move at the moment, I was planning to stay here if he left, but he won't leave. If he did it would be back to his mums, and I bet he's too embarrased to do that. (she hates me for some reason, only child, no father).

I'm so angry, frustrated, confused and sad.. but insde I know none of this is right, and I know relationships aren't meant to be like this. I was with my ex for 8.5yrs, and it was nothing like this, so there must be a middle ground guy out there.

I don't feel love for him or anything, I feel cold right now.

Ah, he is a mummy's boy then. No doubt she would welcome him back with open arms and happily run after his tail if he went back!

Can y realistically stick with it until next May?

Yes, he's a mummy's boy, altho he only goes round there 1hr a week but he lived at home until he was 32 and moved in with me.. should have seen the red flags flapping in my face then!

His mum doesn't want to get to know me, is polite but 'off' with me if I ever see her, so I don't bother. It's obvious she hates me. He doesn't see any of the rest of his family. Wonder why..!

He's always the victim, work, family, friends, anything, he's always hard done by and picked on. Wish he would man up a bit really and deal with it! He's a whinger andan attention seeker. Gosh, awful when I write it all down.

There are so many faults, I can't see how he can have a personality transplant really!

He isn't all bad, very loving, affectionate etc, but we have bedroom issues, his paranoia about getting me pregnant, I had a chat recently with him and things have improved, but it's not natural, it's almost forced, he wants to do it all the time, but it's not spontanious, almost have to plan it I know it's not normal, he's got nothing to compare it with and I just get bored now as it's the same and not passionate really.

Anyhow, a bit off the subject, but I will have to manage for now. I will have more money by February and April next year too. I have enough now, but would be stretching myself. So wish I'd never left my flat before