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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am pregnant

40 replies

s0fedup · 04/10/2012 18:03

Omg
As the title states i am pregnant (very early) I found out yesterday.
I have no idea how it happened as we rarely dtd.
We have had some major issues in our marraige. One of them being me wanting a 3rd child and him dead set against it, oh the irony.
I am utterly terrified of telling him, he will hit the roof...

OP posts:
Xales · 04/10/2012 18:07

Not sure if to say congratulations or not.

Were you using protection? If not then he is a big boy and is as responsible as you for what has happened.

If you were then it is just one of those things and neither of you can be blamed.

You can tell him and leave the room/house if he hits the roof you do not have to stay and take it. Or could you tell him by phone while he is at work so that he has time to deal with the initial shock before you come face to face?

Good luck!

Original poster
s0fedup · 04/10/2012 18:17

thanks for replying,
I ran my pills as we were away abroad in the summer. This made me go a bit mental and I was feeling very down in general so I wanted to get rid of the chemical hormones and go back on st johns wort (this has really helped in the past) He knew I had not started my new pack.
I just cant believe it.
It is what I really wanted but now its goinh to cause so much upset.
I dont think he will forgive me

OP posts:
MakeItALarge · 04/10/2012 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
s0fedup · 04/10/2012 18:20

i was thinking the same only give it a few weeks...
If i can.
I have zero symptoms so far which is odd as I was hideously sick with the previous 2. I guess if that kicks in he might suspect

OP posts:
hoopieghirl · 04/10/2012 18:25

Give yourself a few days to get your head together and feel a bit calmer hopefully. Good luck x

Opentooffers · 04/10/2012 18:35

Reminds me of a prior thread where someone wanted a third child against DH wishes. Was that you? Not that it matters. Babies don't not happen because it would be inconvenient. If he knew you were not protected and did not do anything himself it's as much his fault as yours. Shared responsibility - I think you both know how it happens, just shocked now its real.

Opentooffers · 04/10/2012 18:46

You only need to dtd once without protection to get pregnant, given that he didn't want another, knew you did, knew you were not using contraception, he must of just crossed his fingers as you did lol. 2 irresponsible adults, I really hope he realises that he is as responsible and changes his opinion when faced with reality of a third, otherwise it's the DC I feel sorry for

bushymcbush · 04/10/2012 18:48

"I don't think he will forgive me"

For what? Allowing him to stick his dick inside you?

Original poster
s0fedup · 04/10/2012 18:52

Ok,
can I just remind you that people post here for support... Its ok to have a different opinion but rudeness and being crass is just not on
Sorry if my post offends you, as my mum always said, if you havnt got anything useful to add dont make a comment

OP posts:
Original poster
s0fedup · 04/10/2012 19:12

just bumping to see if there are any lovely mnetters out there like the ones at tbe top of this thread!!

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 04/10/2012 19:25

As already said, if he knew that you were not fully protected, he has to take his share of the "blame". Maybe you should get on and tell him, though. Worrying about how he will react won't get any easier the longer you leave it.

I hope you have a good outcome.

ErikNorseman · 04/10/2012 19:30

I think bushy is making the point that he was fully aware of the risks and you have nothing to be forgiven for. If your partner will 'never forgive you' for the avoidable consequences of his own actions then you have bigger problems than an unwanted pg.

izzyizin · 04/10/2012 20:21

If he was aware that you had stopped taking the pill and he chose not to use condoms I can't see that he has any reason to 'hit the roof' but, from your previous posts, it's probable that he will anyway.

Your toxic marriage is inevitably having an adverse impact on your existing dc and, IMO, you should be asking yourself whether you want to bring another chid into the negative enviroment that you currently inhabit.

Regardless of whether you are intent on having a third dc, I suggest you rid your home of the most poisonous chemical therein by becoming a single parent as this will enable your present and any future dc to have the childhoods they deserve.

MakeItALarge · 04/10/2012 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ringodingo · 04/10/2012 20:48

sofed follow your heart in what you want to do. he may not be happy but you are aware of this reaction so you will be prepared for it.some comments on here are a tad harsh and unhelpful. hugs and support out to you.

Original poster
s0fedup · 04/10/2012 20:59

thankyou so much make it large and ringo. It all feels so unreal. But it also feels like i am lying. My bf in rl knowd and agrees I should not say anything yet. Its still so early anything could happen

I would not consider a termination. I am strongly pro-choice but we are married with jobs so even though it will cost more I have no good reason to end a life.
My marraige has been very strained but I think he is trying. I really have been very distant and he knows how close we were to separating. I dont think he wants that but knows that it will take time for me to be back to the old me. sorry I dont know if that made sense!!

Thanks again, it helps being annonymous and just writing it all down.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/10/2012 21:10

I can't see anything harsh or unhelpul about any comments here.

Having a dc, or another dc as the case may be, is a life-changing event and it occurs to me that this is an opportune time for you to take stock of the quality of your life at present and to do whatever is necessary to improve it for yourself, for your existing dc, and for any future dc you may have.

This may involve counselling or separation/divorce but, if you're not proactive in bringing about any desired change(s) yourself, nothing will change for the better of its own accord.

ringodingo · 04/10/2012 21:23

op does,nt need a biology lesson or being told of any dick sticking and dc feeling sorry for. yes they both dtd, but she is now stuck between a rock and a hard place being terrified of telling him. this is the issue she needs support with and unhelpful comments are not support.

izzyizin · 04/10/2012 21:43

You've been given some helpful suggestions as to the way in which you break the news, but the issue is why you are 'utterly terrified' of telling your h that nature has taken its course and you are pg.

You've referred to him having been 'dead set' against having a 3rd dc, in which case he could have opted for a vasectomy or using condoms thus ensuring there will be no further addition to your family.

As he hasn't chosen to avoid you becoming pg, it surely won't come as a great surprise to him unless, of course, there is something you haven't revealed here.

Instead of second guessing his reaction, albeit that I suspect you're right about how he will react, I would suggest you tell him sooner rather than later as it's probable that undue delay will serve to exascerbate what is likely to be an unpleasant 5 minutes for you.l

dondon33 · 04/10/2012 21:47

I remember some of your other threads S0fedup,
Has your DH illness/behaviour towards you and the DC improved (sorry don't have time to search)
I remember you really struggling along.
I hope your news is accepted with joy S0 I really do, but if your determined to have this baby and he doesn't accept it what are your plans? Go it alone?

Original poster
s0fedup · 05/10/2012 07:39

Good morning,
in answer to you questions...
Yes things have improved somewhat. He is really trying more with the dcs.And with me to a certain extent. I think I am still being quite distant though.
His health has dramatically improved and that has made a massive difference. It was all completly stress related and work settled down so has his body.
If he cannot accept this baby, or me (for getting pregnant) then I am prepared to do it alone. One area I have complete confidence in is my skills to mother. Dont worry I am under no illusion it would be easy but I could cope.
I am going to wait a bit longer as I still dont 'feel' pregnant so theres a bit of me that thinks its all just a mistake...

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 05/10/2012 07:51

Heartfelt apologies for any offence I caused with my somewhat direct comment. It's quite out of character for me actually, but believe me when I say it came from outrage on your behalf sofedup, not against you.

As someone else said (far more delicately than me) you have nothing to be forgiven for.

I'll remove my size 9's from your thread rather than upset you again, so wish you the very best of luck.

zippey · 05/10/2012 08:01

If OP thinks some of the comments have been unhelpful izzyizin, then they have been unhelpful, doesnt matter what we think. I agree with her though.

Congratulations! He may be annoyed or angry at first but if he was a good father to your other children then he may grow to accept things and it may be a great way to closen the bond in your relationship too.

Hope all works out for you.

Original poster
s0fedup · 05/10/2012 08:23

thanks for appology bushy.
I know you are all right, I didnt do it to myself! so what will be will be...

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/10/2012 08:33

I don't dispute that, zippey. It goes without saying that it's entirely up to the OP to decide whether she find responses to her thread helpful, or not as the case may be.

However, although you may agree with her opinion on this occasion I don't and, FWIW, I'd find it disturbing if any dw professed herself to be 'utterly terrified' of telling her dh that she was pregnant.

I hope your h reacts in civilised manner when you tell him the news, sOfedup, but, if not, joint counselling may be the way forward to improve your relationship to the extent that your dc are not caught in the crossfire, so to speak.