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Original poster

massive aggument with wife...what to do?

86 replies

lightning02 · 04/10/2012 15:03

My wife an I had a massive argument earler in the week, over money and holidays. The argument got a bit heated and I ended up venting my frustration by saying a few true but spiteful things, which I apologised for and I do genuinely feel so bad for.-(even though their was a lot of truth.)

Since then, she wont generate any conversation with me. Just one word answers. We generally speak throughout the day through text or calls, but nothing. she wont reply to my texts. when we did speak, she told me she wanted to just run away!

I love my wife deeply, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach to live with bad feeling..

I'd like other peoples points of view, on the best way of getting this back on track. I feel whatever i do, it doesnt seem to help.

should i just leave her alone to get over it? or try some other approach?

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 04/10/2012 15:03

what did you say?

jkklpu · 04/10/2012 15:06

Depends how awful the things you said were. Does she really believe you are sorry? You don't particularly sound it in the OP, though you're sorry for the consequence of what you said.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2012 15:06

You've apologised and she's sulking. So say nothing, stop texting and generally act normally. She knows the sulking makes you feel bad, which is why she's doing it. If you stop responding to the sulking and stop being so needy, it'll fizzle out.

TittyWhistles · 04/10/2012 15:11

Buy her something nice.

Original poster
lightning02 · 04/10/2012 15:14

just argued about getting into debt, and im not prepared to do that. Also, I dont want to take kids out of school for hols more than we have to...

told her she's never happy with what she has......always wants that bit more...

then it got onto the normal marital things........like she only has a libido when drunk..... ooppss!!

OP posts:
DameFanny · 04/10/2012 15:14

Seriously titty? Hmm

swallowedAfly · 04/10/2012 15:14

spiteful but true? so you told her things you think/feel about her that are spiteful but you stand by as true?

sounds like you will have to talk about these things. it really depends what you said about/to her. they may have really changed things.

Original poster
lightning02 · 04/10/2012 15:14

bought her flowers...... she turned her nose up!

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 04/10/2012 15:14

No it depends on what you said, it's not just a matter her not speaking to you for no reason. So you'd better revisit the things you said and clarify them in a better way.

Labootin · 04/10/2012 15:15

Leave her

bamboobutton · 04/10/2012 15:17

so you basically called her frigid and grabby.

i honestly can't see why she is pissed offHmm

Helltotheno · 04/10/2012 15:17

So what's both of your work situations?

It's not that she only has a 'libido' when drunk, she can only shag you when she's drunk, which is a completely different thing. So you definitely need to have a proper chat about that. If it's true, it's true. She can't just ignore it.

Offred · 04/10/2012 15:20

Going from what you say I don't see how what you said was spiteful actually. Why is telling her how you feel spiteful? Maybe it was the way it was said?

Anyway, what you have said is a perfectly reasonable point of view that you should be able to articulate to your wife without being spiteful or angry.

Floralnomad · 04/10/2012 15:22

It's a pity you had what was probably a long overdue conversation as an argument. In your position I would simply tell her that you need to discuss these issues in a rational way .

Offred · 04/10/2012 15:23

You clearly have a big problem with communication as her saying she wants to run away and her blanking you shows she is not communicating with you either. If you don't do something about a communication problem then it rots the relationship from the inside. I'd say the problem is bigger than just this argument.

Whocansay · 04/10/2012 15:24

Did you apologise, or give one of those irritating "I'm sorry, but it was your fault I said that because" lectures?

I agree with bamboobutton. Frankly, I wouldn't want to speak to you either if that's what happened.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2012 15:25

Could that have been a 'last straw' argument? Do you feel sick because you think she might have spent the last few days talking through her options with a lawyer?

Helmondo · 04/10/2012 15:27

I think you need to have an honest talk with her tbh. You say you feel there's some truth in what you said to her so you're obviously feeling a little resentment towards it, which won't go away unless you both talk openly together. Telling her these things in the heat of an argument wasn't the right way to go about it, but it's out there now and needs dealing with, wait till she's ready to talk though, otherwise it might end up in another row not that I'd know anything about that!

lilolilmanchester · 04/10/2012 15:27

Not sure if this works for you/your wife, but I would consider write things down in a letter. That way you can take your time, read it through and be sure you are using the right words.
Explain why you are upset/worried about money/debt, why you are concerned about taking children out of school. Make sure you write factually about money etc, not about HER doing this, that and the other. Acknowledge that you said some things you really shouldn't have said, you know you were out of order and feel really bad about.
Tell her how much you love her, how much you've missed talking to her this week, you know you've messed up, but you are a partnership and there are some things you need to sit down and talk about, rationally and together.

Also work out what your absolute priorities are in all of this, and where you might be prepared to compromise, and which things you might let drop, for now. She might well feel that she just can't do anything right at the moment,

presents/flowers are a gesture but don't fix the issue.

Original poster
lightning02 · 04/10/2012 15:36

I think it was the way I spoke to her/ the way it came across that didnt help. I'd had a really bad day at work which didnt help.

We prob do have communication problems when it comes to finances. If it was left to her, we'd have been bakrupt years ago...she knows money and debt is a big worry for me...

If I say no, we cant afford that, she will wander off and sulk. When I go to try and explain she usually says she doesnt want to talk about it.

I do need to sit down and just talk to her about it....

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/10/2012 15:41

Interesting.

Normally, we'd say that a sulking husband was manipulative.

I wouldn't contemplate going into debt either.

It depends on how you apologised, but if you did it properly she should be able to talk to you, and so she's being unreasonable.

However, it seems that you may have deep issues in your marriage. You do need to talk with your wife, in a way that does not put blame.
Maybe you should propose counselling.

PinkleWickers · 04/10/2012 15:42

Ignore the sulking, shes being petulanT because she didnt want to hear what you said and thinks if she makes the consequences for that uncomfortable enough itll stop you saying it again.

Shame it came out in an argument but needed to be said imo.

PinkleWickers · 04/10/2012 15:42

Manipulative...exactly

swallowedAfly · 04/10/2012 15:54

'i said no we can't afford it' - see that doesn't sound like a discussion to me, it sounds like a parent responding to a child about some toy they're demanding.

is the yes or no down to you then?

SizzleSazz · 04/10/2012 16:00

I agree with those who think this would be different the other way round.

Sounds to me like she is burying her head in the sand wrt to money and getting huffy/silent to keep it that way.

I do think you were a bit mean re the libido comment (although I guess I can see it coming out in the heat of the moment). I would also have swiped you round the head with the flowers Grin

Communication in a calm, neutral, sober environment would be my suggestion, with no 'blame' attached to actions but a candid discussion about money & how to keep the relationship on an even keel.