Is he cheating?

[Joanne1982uk]

Hi this is my first post normally i just like to read topics but I'm at my wits end at the moment.

Ive been married to DH for 5 years with had a DS aged 3 and a DD just coming upto her first birthday. My DH has a good job but has to work long hours and is often on his work laptop or blackberry at home. The last couple of months hes been working longer hours and going to meetings. He has become more secretive about his laptop. He doesnt leave it on anymore when im in the same room etc. I asked him about it but he mumbles about confidential information, surely it shouldnt matter if i see anything its not like he works for MI5 or anything.

I should be honest about something a few months after we started dating we had a rough patch and i was at a party and enjoyed some attention from a good looking young man and ended up giving him a blow job. Its no excuse but i was drunk and i came clean to my now DH. He forgave me and we worked things through. Could he be getting revenge? I know there is a woman he works with who is close too. He used to talk about her quite alot but not mentioned her in a couple of months.

Sorry for the rant needed to get it off my chest

Two big red cheating flags jump out from your post:

1. The sudden secrecy around his laptop. Is he like it with his phone too?
2. Mentionitis. You hear about this woman all the time and then suddenly nothing.

Added to the fact that he might have revenge on his mind and your gut is telling you something's not right, I think you'd definitely be wise to do some snooping. See what you dig up.

Or you could just call his bluff and say 'I know you're having an affair. Are you going to tell me the truth before you leave.' Watch him shit himself trying to figure out what you know and how you know it.

Thanks for the reply i felt silly putting it on here but my only friends are his friends too so didnt feel like i could confide in them :(

Hes not like that with his personal phone but is with his work phone, i got the same answer about that as i did with the laptop. I need to find out more i dont want to come out and just confront him in case he is telling the truth. The blowjob was about 7 years ago surely he cant keep a grudge for so long?????

Well he might well have forgiven you for the BJ at the time and thought he'd put it past him. But then this OW came on the scene and he's probably now using it as justification for his behaviour.

From the (sadly all too frequent) threads I've read on MN, what your describing does have all the hallmarks of an affair.

I'm so sorry. Remember this is all only my opinion. Maybe some other wise MNers can offer you some different perspectives. But from where I'm standing it looks dodgy.

"Could he be getting revenge?"

Not revenge, but he could easily feel that, since he gave you the benefit of the doubt once, you owe him one in return. Whatever the truth of it, the only way to find out for sure is to ask him straight.

He wont be home from work till late tonight. I just dont know how to approach it. I need to get hold of his blackberry or his laptop.

He's never seemed like the cheating type hes always been loving towards me and our DC. I just cant get the secrecy out of my head.

Hes a good looking guy and has been honest if hes been out and someome has flirted with him.

I think you could explain how his actions are making you feel. If he has nothing to hide he will ber happy to unlock his laptop. You were honest with him, ask him to be honest with you. Maybe something significant changed when he found out about your own temptation, again I would ask him to talk to you. If he won't talk tell him how that makes you feel. Good luck

Good luck op, I hope he isn't

Agree that if he's having an affair, he's probably using that old wound to justify it - but that doesn't mean it's revenge, more that it's a convenient excuse for what he's doing rather than the more obvious one which is that he fancied sex with someone new. If it wasn't that it would be some other equally manufactured reason, such as needing more attention. If it was revenge he would have sought it long before now and as he forgave you and you worked through it (probably because you were so honest admitting it) then I'd forget that as a reason behind this. Interesting though that one of your first instincts was to blame yourself.

Agree that it looks like an affair, but disagree that the only way you'll find out is by asking him. If he doesn't want to break up your relationship, the very last thing he'll do is to be honest about an affair. The best way of finding out is to get into that Blackberry and laptop.

Have you mentioned the likely suspect's name and seen his reaction when you do?

I hope he isnt cheating, and dont jump to that conclusion, but just be alert. What is he like with his mobile phone? When my STBXH started to deceive me, he kept his phone on him at all times, got up earlier, went to bed later, had a secret email account, talked about OW incessantly.....

Just a few pointers to look out for.

and if he is, then he cant use a five year old excuse. he chose to marry you after that, so it was all put behind you....