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Original poster

I have developed a crush on DPs best friend

68 replies

Iodine · 03/10/2012 12:13

DPs best friend is over visiting from abroad. I have met him a few times and have always thought he is attractive. We went to visit him at his parents house and had such a lovely time, then he came to ours and stayed for a few days.

I have found myself getting flustered around him. His parents were so nice and normal (something DPs family definately aren't and I struggle to be around them). He is just so different to DP. DP is all stressy and shouty and I feel like we are just friends living together.

We went out sailing and when I asked if there was anything I could do to help (when me and friend were on our own), I was told I "just have to look pretty" and when he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I KNOW I'm overthinking this like a giggly schoolgirl but I can't get him off my mind. He has a long term girlfriend too, who is lovely. I need to snap out of it.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 03/10/2012 12:20

Everyone gets crushes Smile.

Your DP doesn't sound like much fun. What does she shout and stress about. If he's like that a lot I am not surprised you'd be attracted to someone else.

LouMacca · 03/10/2012 12:35

Nothing wrong with getting a crush so long as you don't act on it.

It sounds like you have problems in your relationship and you need to talk to DP. Sounds like you've fallen out of love with him and getting attention off someone else is making you feel good.

sarahseashell · 03/10/2012 12:44

sorry but "just look pretty" Hmm
sounds like a bit of a smoothie

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 12:49

Emma- He is just a very stressy person and it has turned me into one too. I have recently been made redundant and he has started a new job. He is working long hours but the past few days have consisted of me cleaning the entire house (it was a state so took a long time. If I dont do it, it just doesn't get done), doing all his ironing, cooking and washing up dinner. Basically all he has done is lay on the sofa asking me to fetch things. He couldn't even be bothered to put the ice cream that I had passed him away last night ffs, just left an expensive tub of ice cream to melt.

I know I don't have a job at the moment but I shouldn't be his slave, should I?

There's no chance of me acting on it as he lives many hours away and I like his girlfriend.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 03/10/2012 12:52

Well he might be, Sarah, but sometimes men relax with their BF's partner or girlfriend in a way which they don't with other women - because they see them as so absolutely out of bounds - and say the sort of things which they might say to a sister.

That relaxedness may be what you're seeing and reacting to, OP.

akaemmafrost · 03/10/2012 12:52

No you should not be his slave because you're not working. I know well how a stressed attitude can pervade the environment and rub off.

Got any dc with him? If not I would be questioning whether I wanted to be with him.

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 12:52

Sarah- it really wasn't meant like that. I had been complaining about sailing ( Im happy to go out on the boat but refuse to do anything as I dont know what im doing and its dps hobby).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/10/2012 13:00

If he's only over for a holiday, shag him, send him home and get it out of your system :) Shouty, stressy husbands need never know!

BethFairbright · 03/10/2012 13:21

You've got a crush on someone who tells you that your sole contribution should be to 'look pretty'?

Lord, some women's 'crush standards' are getting low these days......

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 13:24

Seriously Beth, when the boys are sailing I don't want to contribute to anything more than sitting there.

If they were doing something I liked and was told to just sit and look pretty, then I would be fuming! It wasn't derogatory. I was moaning about how I hated sailing.

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 03/10/2012 13:25

Cogito, he's got a long-term GF!!
OP, it's a no-go unless he becomes single, after which all is fair is he initiates things with you, as you don't HAVE to stay with you arsey P if you don't love him. But so far it's all improbable.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/10/2012 13:26

agree with Beth - even though it may have been his way to compliment you, but who knows maybe it's his attitude to women generally (yuk)

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 13:27

Likeatonne- I wouldn't go there. It's more like when you're 15 and have a crush on a pop star. You lnow nothing's going to happen!

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 03/10/2012 13:27

you may hate sailing, but the phrase the way he said it is 'out of he 50s' patronising. He could have put it in a different way.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/10/2012 13:28

Iodine - so if you aer sure you won't go there, do you just want advice how to stop the crush, or aer you just sharing the secret which is fair enough?

likeatonneofbricks · 03/10/2012 13:29

are

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 13:32

Likeatonne- fine. You're entitled to think that, thanks for input. Just wanted to share the secret really. Couldn't tell anyone in real life as everyone around here I know are DPs friends first.

OP posts:
WorkingMummyof1 · 03/10/2012 13:33

Yes you might be reading too much into it. Until you are with this friend as you are with your DP you will never know the "strangeness" of his family or what he is really like as a DP/man. Men are often charming when they are not a DP, but once they become one, the "charmer" might change into a "shouter" as he becomes more relaxed with his DP. That might be a person's right i.e. to be themselves around their DPs or it might actually be false advertising depending on how one looks at it. However the older I get and the more I see couples "behind the scenes" the more I see how some people act in a lovely way to other people, but fail to extend that curtesy to their own DPs.

BethFairbright · 03/10/2012 13:35

no male friend of mine would ever dare to say anything like that to me because of its sexist inference and can't imagine even being friends with someone who'd come out with that line. It wouldn't matter if I couldn't contribute skills, knowledge or experience to the task at hand either.

You've got two separate problems but I think they are actually linked to your under-reaction about that comment.

You've chosen a man who thinks that domestic tasks are 'women's work' and you might have enabled that attitude too, by doing it all. What I'm seeing though is that you're living with one overt sexist who's shouty and unattractive - and you've got a crush on another who while sexist, isn't either of those things (in company at least....)

Neither man sounds like a great catch tbh. But sort out your relationship first before getting carried away with the Smooth Sailor, whose partner really doesn't deserve that.

SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle · 03/10/2012 13:40

Jesus!

He didn't say "oi wench, bring man beer and then go scrub the deck and make an food" and then beat his chest!

I know what you mean op as I'm not a loon

Everyone gets a crush, I have one on a neighbour! Think I might be turning a bit stalkery tbh Grin

SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle · 03/10/2012 13:41

It really didn't take long before "sexist" was used!

LemarchandsBox · 03/10/2012 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 13:43

I am just letting my mind run away with me, I don't think it's DPs friend in particular I think I'm just desperate for some fresh air and to be around someone who doesn't think my arm is an extension of his.

We spent 5 days staying with the friends parents and I know they are lovely. DPs dad didn't even deem me to be worth a "hello" the first few times I met him and DPs mum is a loon. Someone said on here earlier in the week "marry the man, marry the family" and I hate going to see DP and his messed up family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iodine · 03/10/2012 13:47

SP- I have visions of you walking past your neighbours house too much and lingering for too long Wink

OP posts:
SnowWide · 03/10/2012 13:50

Aargh, people, major point-missing going on. Leave the "pretty" comment alone. Its not relevant. It may just be an off-the-cuff remark and it may have made OP a bit light headed and giggly. Thats how a crush feels like. You dont necessarily check someone is a perfect gentleman before developing a crush on them. So take off your judgey pants..

And yes, agree about two separate issues. OP, anyone can develop a crush, even people in stable loving relationships. You dont have to highlight your partner's shouty attitude to explain WHY you have are attracted to another man. You just have to think long and hard, whether this will be just another fantasy, or you really like this friend or given your situation, you may prefer any other man who is relaxed and friendly and NOT shouty like current DP. If its the last, then time for that relationship talk...