I have developed a crush on DPs best friend

[Iodine]

DPs best friend is over visiting from abroad. I have met him a few times and have always thought he is attractive. We went to visit him at his parents house and had such a lovely time, then he came to ours and stayed for a few days.

I have found myself getting flustered around him. His parents were so nice and normal (something DPs family definately aren't and I struggle to be around them). He is just so different to DP. DP is all stressy and shouty and I feel like we are just friends living together.

We went out sailing and when I asked if there was anything I could do to help (when me and friend were on our own), I was told I "just have to look pretty" and when he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I KNOW I'm overthinking this like a giggly schoolgirl but I can't get him off my mind. He has a long term girlfriend too, who is lovely. I need to snap out of it.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Hope you are okay today iodine

[AnyFucker]

Yup, nothing intrinsically wrong with a large age-gap relationship

there is something badly wrong with a bloke who wants to diminish you, though

[ratbagcatbag]

My DH is19 years older than me, I have a14 yo DSS and am now pregnant with a much wanted planned baby, my DH cooks, cleans and irons, he doesn't dust, but I can manage that. Just because he's older doesn't give him an excuse to a lazy arse and push you into stuff he wants to do, like kids etc. my DH will be 49 when sproglet arrives, tough, I didn't want kids too early so we had to compromise. My DH doesn't shout either.
Get out before it really is too late

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Iodine I stayed with my older man, had a wedding and kids, and 16 years on want out v badly. and finally have strength to leave - we've had the talk but it'll still be a few months before we don't live together etc. if i could turn back time and break up pre kids i would i would i would. get out if you want to, the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

[LemonDrizzled]

Iodine you are still young enough to walk away (pulling the Dyson along behind you ) and start afresh making a fulfilling life full of friends and laughter with someone who shares the load.

Material things mean nothing when you are miserable. Having DC with a lazyarse will be awful. Please don't do it! Go home to your lovely kind parents and look for a job/flat/new life

[AnastasiaSteele]

Iodine, I had been wondering if my abusive alarm was going off. I thought I was being sensitive because I'm in that boat. I think maybe now you are in that boat. If he is trying to coerce you into big life decisions, that's worrying. You might not be ready to hear it and that's fine. I think Agatha and Any Fucker are making sense.

How old are you?

[AnyFucker]

I have read one of ypur other threads, love

This man will stop you achieving your dreams (medicine). Believe me. Should you let him ? Please make sure your contraception is locked up to the hilt.

[MadBanners]

I developed a crush on my Dh Best Man!! It was all very teenager.....mind you, Dh knew, I used to joke to him that if he left me, then his friend would come round, to make sure I am ok, as he was nice like that and then he would stay forever!! All very romantic I am sure. Dh thought it was hilarious, and I never hid it from dh and it turned into a light-hearted joke between us about my ridiculous made up "fantasy". Lasted about a year, and now, tbh I think his best man is a bit of an immature twat and generally wet.

Anyway, crushes within a loving relationship are quite normal and generally mean nothing.

However this "My life is like a prison." suggests you need to have a serious think about your relationship. Agree with AF above. You have a choice.

[AnyFucker]

OP, you don't have to stay with him

You don't have to choose him to be the father of your children

In fact, I hope you realise this and get shut before you do either of these things

the father of your children is a huge choice to make, because you are tied to them for evermore

Think very, very carefully about whether if you had the choice, this man would pass muster

then, remember, you do have the choice, you are not in prison

there will be short term pain, for long term gain, believe me

[BethFairbright]

What's the age difference Iodine and how did you get together?

[AnyFucker]

Let me just remind you, of something called free will

Gone are days of the cavemen who clubbed a woman around the head and imprisoned her in his cave

[AgathaFusty]

Please don't bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship. It won't help things, you will be more trapped, he will probably become worse, and most importantly, it would not be a good atmosphere for a child to grow up in.

Typically abusive behaviour though, becoming loving and caring when you threaten to leave. I would suggest contacting Women's Aid for advice, but keep that from him.

[Viviennemary]

OP I didn't mean to be flippant. Also I hadn't read the Dyson reference. You will have to have a good think about what you want in life. And if you are genuinely not happy in your current relationship things probably won't get better and you can't settle down and have a family with this man whilst you feel like this. The Dyson and the crush I think are red herrings. It's your relationship you need to think about.

[Iodine]

I shouldn't have mentioned the Dyson because it sounds so stupid. I just feel stupid for accepting a gift off my parents that cost so much when I didn't want to stay with this man in this house.

Every time I try to tell DP that I want to leave it's like I've flipped a switch on him. He stops shouting and arguing and sits down and tells me to not be so silly, why would I want to throw this away?

He wants us to settle down and have a family. I am much younger than him. I tell him that it's not fair to ask me to settle down so young just because he has left it later than he had planned. When he was my age he would have been busy smoking pot and having fun, not having babies and a wedding.

[AnyFucker]

I think you and your Dyson should go off together into the sunset, tbh

OP, please read back what you have written again. There are some justifications for staying in a shit relationship that are understandable. But yours ? Nope.

[Viviennemary]

I think you should ride of with him into the sunset. If he is in agreement.

[AgathaFusty]

If you are unhappy in your relationship and can't see that it is going to change, you should leave. Really, what are you staying for? A partner who appears to treat you with no respect and you don't appear to like very much, friends who aren't really friends, a few items of furniture, a 3 year history. Can you see yourself being happy with him in the years to come, or do you see those years ahead being much the same as they are now? Do you have receipts for the stuff you have bought, or credit card statements?

You could even take the Dyson with you when you go..

[likeatonneofbricks]

OP, well the strength can be from knowing that your life can be different and happy if you makethis effort. Also you have nice supportive parents and can stay with them - it could have been worse!
Agree with making effforts to meet people, also maybe take up some exercise as itdoes give mental strengh as well as physical.

[AnastasiaSteele]

It's okay Iodine, it's overwhelming at first - especially as you are isolated and seem bound by your perceptions of other people's expectations. You can build it up, very slowly and then leave eventually if you wish.

Maybe your first task could be to try a bit of socialising. Extend an olive branch to an old friend (eg through Facebook) or have coffee with someone where you live. Do you study at the moment? Use forums like this? Are you job hunting? Is there someone that would have an Earl Grey and a hunk of cake with you?

[Iodine]

I don't know where to get the strength from to leave.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Beth spot-on as usual! the 'wasted' years should be seen as a learning curve, everyone has to sign off some things they did, and the time, as mistakes, tough lessons but valuable. You know what you want now - to be more self-reliant and then finding a calm balanced partner who supports you as much as you support him, and so on.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Cross posts with everyone.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Oh Iodine you sound so defeated. You really don't have to be.

Property ownership, yeah it's nice, but you know some might say it's a Thatcherite ideal that brings you security...but responsibility to repair the damn thing when it drops apart. Rented accommodation can be nice too. Your home is YOU, not the bricks and mortar, and honey, if you feel trapped in a prison, it's not a home...it is in fact...a prison.

You have plenty to show for three years. Success isn't measured by lampshades and a full set of Le Creuset. I'm sorry you've spent all your money on the flat and feel like this. I have spent an unthinkable amount on my financially abusive boyfriend, it's awful, and when I think of the nice things I could have got myself it makes me feel ill. But I have got something to show for it because I will learn and although I may have nothing to show for the last three years if I get out...three years is better than six years etc etc etc

You can build your own social network up. Friends who like you for you and not your role. That will be worth it.

You can't have messed up your career in three years by putting it on the back burner. You still have skills. Do you know how you actually mess up a career? You have to be a teacher having an inappropriate relationship with a pupil. That's messing up your career (not to mention everything else...).


Finally, a Dyson is not a reason to stay. It's a vacuum cleaner.

[Iodine]

Flump- The Dyson was just the catalyst really. It was a lot of money to my parents and they bought it for me thinking that my life is all rosy and I want to stay with DP.

I can't explain really, it's a bloody hoover fgs.

[BethFairbright]

None of that's insurmountable.

Those 3 years haven't been wasted either. It's given you a valuable insight into what you don't want in a man and a relationship. It's taught you never to sacrifice your financial independence, career and friendships for a relationship.

Staying for more years though, would be a tremendous waste. You haven't got children yet, but if you did you would be even more trapped with a man who would be even lazier, shoutier and meaner than now.

Be brave. This is your life.