I have developed a crush on DPs best friend

[Iodine]

DPs best friend is over visiting from abroad. I have met him a few times and have always thought he is attractive. We went to visit him at his parents house and had such a lovely time, then he came to ours and stayed for a few days.

I have found myself getting flustered around him. His parents were so nice and normal (something DPs family definately aren't and I struggle to be around them). He is just so different to DP. DP is all stressy and shouty and I feel like we are just friends living together.

We went out sailing and when I asked if there was anything I could do to help (when me and friend were on our own), I was told I "just have to look pretty" and when he left he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I KNOW I'm overthinking this like a giggly schoolgirl but I can't get him off my mind. He has a long term girlfriend too, who is lovely. I need to snap out of it.

[SPsFanjoLovesItGangnamStyle]

Iodine ohh nothing like that. I see him taking his daughter to the park and suddenly decided that my son would love to go too!

I'm still trying to work out if single or not. I haven't him with a woman yet and doesn't look like he wears a ring.

I speak to him often but I don't think I could try it with him as he may turn out tobebe a dick and ruin it for me

[SnowWide]

Oh really??! And you've NEVER developed a crush on a movie star or singer when all you know about them is they have lovely hair? Do you actually sit there and research their morals before deciding to dribble a bit and going dreamy -eyed?

[BethFairbright]

I'll keep mine on too thanks SnowWide. I think the OP's under-reaction to it is indicative of the problem. If a man said this to me it would make me gag, whereas it seems to have made the OP swoon. If you expect men to behave like this and even find it attractive, you can hardly be surprised if they treat you like a decorous maid with very few functions in life.

[SnowWide]

OP says she wants to snap out of it. Instead of talking her out of it or assuring her "this is par for the course, happens to me all the time", you are actually sitting in judgement of her for not having good enough standards when developing a crush.

[Aboutlastnight]

Remember he doesn't know what's in your head - he may be imagining you and his best friend are blissfully happy and therefore you aware a 'safe' person to flirt with.

The 'look pretty' thing is a bit yuck though -I'd have told him to piss off, in a friendly way.

[likeatonneofbricks]

OP, if you don't like your DP and his family, and you are not married/no dc, why not consider leaving him? I mean of course take time to consider, but I don't like the fact that you've just accepted this as your life, don't sound happy - you don't have to!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Cogito, he's got a long-term GF!!"

That doesn't seem to bother him!!! Go on... snog him... watch him run a mile.... :)

[Iodine]

Likeatonne- I think it would be for the best but I have been stupid and am trapped here.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Two things here...

1. This fella sounds like a bit of a slime. You don't tell your mate's OH that they are pretty in THAT kind of a scenario, especially attached
   
2. This crush could well be a red herring for your lack of fulfillment with DP. If you are feeling unsupported at home and like a slave and a handsome man rocks up telling you that you are pretty, your ears are bound to prick up.
   
   Why are you trapped though? Are there practical steps you could take to release yourself?

[BethFairbright]

So what if it doesn't bother him Cogito? It would bother me and I like women too much to shit on them. Anyway, Smooth Sailor isn't after an affair, that much is obvious.

Why are you trapped OP? And why have you been stupid?

[badtasteflump]

Not hard to understand really - you clearly don't feel very close to your H at the moment and are having some problems with him.

Then someone comes along who flirts with you and makes you feel attractive/special, and you like that feeling - not surprisingly.

I would try to remember that it probably isn't that you are particularly drawn to the friend, just that you would be drawn to anyone who treated you that way ATM.

So I would say try to address the problems with your H before thinking about anyone else.

[badtasteflump]

Oh poop, posted too soon.

Meant to carry on by saying - your P (sorry called him H before) needs to realise that you want him to make you feel attractive and special - and he's clearly not doing that now. Can you talk to him?

[likeatonneofbricks]

he's not even an H, badtasteflump!
can you un-trap yourself, or is it all difficult financially? would still be worth it long-term even if difficult.

[badtasteflump]

Sorry - I always read the opening post & jump straight to my reply

OP - If you're not married & don't have DC with your P surely life is too short to put up with somebody you don't want to be with - however much hassle it may be to split with them...

[Iodine]

My life is like a prison. If I leave I leave with nothing. I have no friends left where my parents live (would have to move back) as I have been away for a few years and now all my calls and texts to them get ignored. Any friends I have from my life now are all his friends. If I leave I don't see them again ( I am under no impression that they like me for me, they like me because I am DPs girlfriend).

I have spent all my money on furnishing our flat. I can't take the furniture (he claims he bought stuff that I did so he wouldn't let me take it anyway). I have nothing to show for the past 3 years of my life.

My parents bought me a Dyson for a new home present- I know it's a stupid thing to focus on but its such an expensive gift and it would go to waste if I moved back home.

We have a life planned out. I have messed up the past 3 years of my career because I have been busying supporting him to retrain. Now he is trained and things will be easier money wise. Comfortable even in a few years. I can't bear thrllle uncertainty again of never being able to afford a house.

[badtasteflump]

Iodine

But what you're saying is - you have no friends left where you came from, but you also have none where you are.

Everything else you would lose would be material things. They can be accumulated again. Sod the Dyson!

Cut your losses, think to yourself that yes, you've 'wasted' three years of your life, but youre not going to waste any more.

Do you want to look back in 20 years time and extend that 'wasted time' to 23?

[likeatonneofbricks]

3 years is not that much a waste if you consider that you could waste dozens of years being unhappy!
Take the Dyson with you (I'm sure he won't begrudge you your parents' present but if he does - tough!) and move to your parents' and start gradyually finding new friends. Lots of people aer in this situation - I just moved to a new city myself and starting to look for new friends, and maybe you can start on your job situation too.

[BethFairbright]

None of that's insurmountable.

Those 3 years haven't been wasted either. It's given you a valuable insight into what you don't want in a man and a relationship. It's taught you never to sacrifice your financial independence, career and friendships for a relationship.

Staying for more years though, would be a tremendous waste. You haven't got children yet, but if you did you would be even more trapped with a man who would be even lazier, shoutier and meaner than now.

Be brave. This is your life.

[Iodine]

Flump- The Dyson was just the catalyst really. It was a lot of money to my parents and they bought it for me thinking that my life is all rosy and I want to stay with DP.

I can't explain really, it's a bloody hoover fgs.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Oh Iodine you sound so defeated. You really don't have to be.

Property ownership, yeah it's nice, but you know some might say it's a Thatcherite ideal that brings you security...but responsibility to repair the damn thing when it drops apart. Rented accommodation can be nice too. Your home is YOU, not the bricks and mortar, and honey, if you feel trapped in a prison, it's not a home...it is in fact...a prison.

You have plenty to show for three years. Success isn't measured by lampshades and a full set of Le Creuset. I'm sorry you've spent all your money on the flat and feel like this. I have spent an unthinkable amount on my financially abusive boyfriend, it's awful, and when I think of the nice things I could have got myself it makes me feel ill. But I have got something to show for it because I will learn and although I may have nothing to show for the last three years if I get out...three years is better than six years etc etc etc

You can build your own social network up. Friends who like you for you and not your role. That will be worth it.

You can't have messed up your career in three years by putting it on the back burner. You still have skills. Do you know how you actually mess up a career? You have to be a teacher having an inappropriate relationship with a pupil. That's messing up your career (not to mention everything else...).


Finally, a Dyson is not a reason to stay. It's a vacuum cleaner.

[AnastasiaSteele]

Cross posts with everyone.

[likeatonneofbricks]

Beth spot-on as usual! the 'wasted' years should be seen as a learning curve, everyone has to sign off some things they did, and the time, as mistakes, tough lessons but valuable. You know what you want now - to be more self-reliant and then finding a calm balanced partner who supports you as much as you support him, and so on.

[Iodine]

I don't know where to get the strength from to leave.

[AnastasiaSteele]

It's okay Iodine, it's overwhelming at first - especially as you are isolated and seem bound by your perceptions of other people's expectations. You can build it up, very slowly and then leave eventually if you wish.

Maybe your first task could be to try a bit of socialising. Extend an olive branch to an old friend (eg through Facebook) or have coffee with someone where you live. Do you study at the moment? Use forums like this? Are you job hunting? Is there someone that would have an Earl Grey and a hunk of cake with you?