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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Something weird has happened - and the more I think about it, the weirder it seems!

92 replies

DriedUpAndDeadToTheWorld · 01/10/2012 14:38

Friday night DP and I went out drinking. Came home, watched a bit of telly and then went to bed. We had sex and then fell asleep. I don't remember noticing anything weird at this point.

Early next morning, we're in bed and I notice a mark on his shoulder. It looked very much like a bite mark and I ask "wow look at that!! is it a bite mark??" and he said quite calmly "no, we were giving each other 'twisters' at work and it will be a bruise from that. But I noticed there was some more light bruising down his chest and on his arm.

As the hours went on, this mark starting getting worse - until it was an awful purple bruise massively resembling a bad, human bite mark. I questioned it again and this time he said "you did it, last night". No way!! I wasn't that drunk and I'm not a 'biter' anyway. So I protested and he said it wasn't the mark from the twister as it was obviously a bite mark and was too severe to be from the twister Confused.

So, Sunday night we go out to watch a band and he brings it up again saying "you should see that mark you did now, it's bright purple" and he shows me it. I said "I did NOT do that, I would have remembered and I wouldn't have done it anyway" and he got quite defensive and said "well I didn't get it anywhere else!!" to which I replied "I never said you did but I didn't do it!". He followed this up with "I don't mind, I just wish you'd admit it" Shock

I keep thinking about it and it seems so odd!! It wasn't there when we first went to bed but I would have remembered doing it!!

So not to drip feed, it's a newish relationship and there have been a few slight signs of gaslighting. Not severe enough for me to say it definitely IS gaslighting, just a few hints (saying I've said things when I havn't) - the paranoid freak in me is wondering if he did it to himself and blamed me! I just can't see how else it could have happened!

OP posts:
tzella · 01/10/2012 15:01

He was off work Friday afternoon, finished at 11.30 and was in a bit of an odd mood all evening (not quiet/guilty) but hyper/mischievous for want of a better word.

What a surprise!!

Where was he from 1130 til he saw you?

DriedUpAndDeadToTheWorld · 01/10/2012 15:01

I do trust him yes. He's never lied to me as far as I know. He checks his phone in front of me, lets me play on his phone, leaves it with me whilst he's busy, has no password on his laptop, told me the password for his email/facebook account - I DO trust him. That's why I'm more inclined to believe it is a twister bite rather than a bite from someone else - I just don't get why he's lying about it! The scary thing is, I have caught myself questioning my own memory which is never a good sign!

OP posts:
ShobGiteTheKnid · 01/10/2012 15:02

Just leave him. You think he may be gaslighting you. You know he is a liar. Why stay?

JollyJumper · 01/10/2012 15:03

What if it was you after all? Maybe the man bruises easily and in your ecstasy on Friday night or Saturday you grabbed him there, not necessary with your teeth....

DriedUpAndDeadToTheWorld · 01/10/2012 15:03

I don't know he's a gaslighter, I just suspect. I could be wrong. It wouldn't be unusual for me to jump to conclusions.

OP posts:
ShobGiteTheKnid · 01/10/2012 15:05

If I suspected that even a tiny bit I'd be out of the door quicksmart.

susiedaisy · 01/10/2012 15:06

How long have you been seeing him op?

nickeldaisical · 01/10/2012 15:09

what has he done that has made you think gaslighter?

DriedUpAndDeadToTheWorld · 01/10/2012 15:14

Been seeing him about 3 months.

Other examples of gaslighting have been saying I've said things when I know I haven't and then arguing me down until I question what I actually did say. Only a couple of occasions has this happened though. Another more recent thing I've noticed is seems to tap on my insecurities. Just subtle enough to make me wonder if I'm being too touchy. 99% of the time he's lovely to me, he really is - it's just these little niggles starting to creep in lately. 3 months in, letting his guard down maybe?

OP posts:
tzella · 01/10/2012 15:15

Where was he in Friday from 1130 til he saw you?

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/10/2012 15:16

Has he ever shown an interest in BDSM? If my man was covered in bruises and a bite mark I'd be suspecting he's visited a pro-domme.

susiedaisy · 01/10/2012 15:18

BDSM Did cross my mind tbh, op don't doubt yourself follow your gut instincts!

akaemmafrost · 01/10/2012 15:19

Yes, prodding to see what he can get away with is exactly what he's doing. Come down on it like a sledgehammer or dump him. I recommend the latter.

DriedUpAndDeadToTheWorld · 01/10/2012 15:20

I honestly don't know tzella. I never asked him and he never mentioned anything.

Akiss - funny you should say that but very recently he's started "joking" about me beating him up and telling me to hit him and beat him. He makes out he's joking and maybe he is but I never thought about it until you said that. He said his ex wife used to punch him during arguments which is why I thought it was a bit of a weird thing to joke about.

OP posts:
GiserableMitt · 01/10/2012 15:22

For BobbiFleckman Smile

Gaslighting

eurochick · 01/10/2012 15:23

What the bloody hell is gaslighting?

Thumbwitch · 01/10/2012 15:23

Ha. You're only 3m in, so he's only just showing the teensiest tip of the iceberg - if you're already picking up on him tapping into your insecurities then now is the time to run like the wind. If you think he's gaslighting you, then he probably is.

Now with this bruise thing - well, it sounds very odd indeed! Mind you, if it's that bad, perhaps he should get his blood tested to see if he's ok...

But that aside, you're sure you didn't do it, he's already given two reasons for it, so he's lying.

And yes, it would be interesting to know where he was from 11:30...

systemsaddict · 01/10/2012 15:23

Is he well? Unexplained bruising can be a sign of some illnesses which make it much more easy for bleeding under the skin to happen.

systemsaddict · 01/10/2012 15:24

xposted with thumbwitch!

tzella · 01/10/2012 15:24

Oh dear, OP. I hazard a guess that actually you're realising this chap is t your type after all?

tzella · 01/10/2012 15:26

isn't your type

I reckon he was shagging someone in Friday afternoon. That's what I reckon. Took the bruise a while to come up - 12 hours til full flowering sounds pretty standard. I reckon.

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/10/2012 15:26

Just ditch him. 3 months in and you're concerned enough about his behaviour to start this thread. You might not get answers for his behaviour but he's clearly not the man for you.

LizLemon007 · 01/10/2012 15:26

normally at three months, people don't argue each other into the ground!

ClippedPhoenix · 01/10/2012 15:50

He's a liar OP.

nickeldaisical · 01/10/2012 16:07

yeah, you need to run.
he's arguing you down on things he says you've said at 3 months?? Confused
that's just wrong - it makes no sense!

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