what have I done?!

[OfficeNat80]

I work as an office manager in London-married, no kids. I am confident and outgoing and have a great relationship. For whatever reason a guy started talking to me on the train the other week. Wasn't about anything in particular. Told me he was a recruitment consultant and since work has been miserable of late, I gave him my card.

Anyway, he dropped me a line and suggested meeting up. Met in a pub and it was obvious he was really coming onto me. He was a bit cocky but his confidence was so attractive to be honest. I went a bit far with him but can't stop thinking about him. Feels guilty but so exciting... damn! He has sent me a few texts this weekend so know what is on his mind..

Never done anything before with anyone and know I should not but the temptation is there. Help!

Seriously, how do you know that your H isn't having similar feelings about all this to you? How do you know some random woman hasn't flirted with him? You haven't told him about what's going on in your head, so why would he do the same with you? Maybe he thinks you're as dependable and boring in bed as you seem to think he is. Maybe he won't divulge his fantasies to you or act them out because he thinks you would never agree to them in a million years, let alone think you have any of your own that he could make a reality.

Maybe a frank discussion about sex and ways to make it more exciting is exactly what you both need.

I agree with Lizlemon and greeneyed. When I read your OP this really sang out:

Especially by someone so far above my league!!

It's not good to think someone is above you.

Not saying this is you, but you must know the old sexist cliche about the fat, ugly birds being an easier/better shag?

What if he goes for married women who he thinks he is above, because he gets a buzz out of shagging someone else's wife? You sound dazzled by him and I bet he can see this.

I suspect he likes the thrill of the chase, and your being married is part of the thrill. Some men get off on pulling married women because to them it's evidence that they are irresistible. You said you have a great relationship, the last thing you need is this player.

Be prepared for a charm offensive if you ignore him, but for God's sake see it for what it is - him thinking that just makes you more of a challenge - so he has to try harder to get you to stray - for the sake of his massive ego.

I bet he can't roll his tongue or bite his own toenails... thats what it is he can't do :)

@ tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

Well you can't blame him for thinking those things if a married woman he just met and doesn't know him from Adam gives him her contact details, goes out for drinks and then sends flirty text messages.

It's not about his ego, it's about her essentially telling him she wants to have sex with him. It's pretty obvious to most men, let alone Mr Steel Balls.

From the OP, it looks like at the initial meeting on the train, all she gave him was her card because he was a recruitment consultant and work was slow. That is not exactly throwing herself at him.

Looks like he then escalated swiftly from there.

Work was slow....right. Of course, it was work related....

And going out afterwards?

Sexting?

I bet you can justify anything.

Mark, i know you are determined to paint the OP as a scarlet woman.

All I am saying is that it was not the OP coming on to him all the time, he had a big role in pushing the boundaries too.

I am not saying what they are doing is right. I am just disagreeing with your post that it was the OP essentially telling him she wanted to have sex with him, as opposed to him also chasing her to stroke his ego.

Does any of that matter? Surely the only thing that matters (bearing in mind that the OP hasn't actually done anything yet) is what she does from here on in. No one knows what was going on in his head or hers for that matter. Policing thoughts is dangerous territory. Actions speak louder.

It's not about his ego, it's about her essentially telling him she wants to have sex with him.

So if you're a woman and you give a man your card, go out for drinks with them and flirt with them you want to have sex with them.

Oh, and presumably when you say no you mean yes. And if you're wearing nice knickers you are completely gagging for it.

FFS Mark get back in your cave.

Firstly where are you getting this "stroking ego" information from? Other than your own pop psychology theory. From what I'm reading he wants to have sex with her, because men like to shag anything with a heartbeat (the Dogs that we are!).

No not the "Scarlet woman". I'm saying if you are married and somebody asks you out, you say "No, Thank you"...Even if they are attractive. That's it. She didn't. She went out with him...

Quote : "I went a bit far with him ......"

She gives him his number (check), she comes out with him(check), She "went a bit far with him" (check), she responds to text messages (and I think we can guess what they were about) check. Hardly the cold shoulder was it?

It doesn't matter if he pushed the boundries. Maybe he's single? That's what men do..chat women up..It's the way the mating game works in case you weren't aware, or as I suspect your just playing naive.

I guess it's only a case of "pushing boundries" when the man is attractive to you, otherwise it's sexual harrasment.

It's nothing to do with his behaviour, she can't control his behaviour can she? She can only control herself.

@ tiredofwaitingforitalltochange

"Oh, and presumably when you say no you mean yes. And if you're wearing nice knickers you are completely gagging for it."

Seriously learn to stick to the point. If you can't win an argument on merit then just give up gracefully. Don't try and make it about something else, or accuse me of justifying something I don't, because in the end it makes you look weak.

You have some serious issues, Mark. Was your partner unfaithful to you?

So you think men have a right to chase. Men will have sex with anyone who wants to have sex with them. And women who are married have to be gatekeepers to chastely say 'no' otherwise they are sociopaths?

Last I checked it takes two to clap. And everyone on this thread is telling the OP to stop. So calm down.

blueshoes, to be fair 'men will have sex with anyone' was meant sacrastically in response to the guy being flamed (i.e. he has many women on the go, as posters assert).
On the other hand, Mark, to be fair it does work the other way round, you know, women also chat up men, including married men, sometimes mating works that way too!

sarcastically

The only issue I have is people who rationalise shit5y behaviour. The kind that ruins lives and relationships.

Men do chase because we are expected to, if women want to chase that's great, I wish they would, but for the most part they don't.

If a man is married he shouldn't chase, if a woman is married she shouldn't reciprocate or respond to advances and vice versa (i.e. giving contact info, going out on dates, and sending flirty text messages). Its very simple, and I don't see your need to make this into a sexism issue, but I suspect its because you have nowhere else to go.

I know "it takes two to clap" . I'm saying that is irrelevant. If you are married your not in the "clapping business".

I guess if your boyfriend cheats on you or is going out and flirting with someone else behind your back he can justify it by saying "Hey, it wasn't my fault, she came onto me, and it as you know takes two to tango"

Also if the lady who came onto him is with is married, does that make him less of a twat or make his behaviour any less reprehensible? No, it doesn't.

@ likeatonneofbricks

I know it does, but if he's married he should say No, Thank You and that's what a decent man or woman would do. Also, if you are married you are always going to come across people more attractive than your partner or has something your partner doesn't, but marriage is that kind of commitment.

ffs I can't believe I'm having to defend basic decency here! Is everyone that far gone into hedonism?

Listen Mark, if you read what I wrote in my original post, you will see that I didn't claim to be the oracle on what this man is thinking at all. That's why I use phrases like 'might be', 'I suspect', 'some men...' etc. I haven't got a fucking clue because I have never met the guy. Speculating about someone's motives is OK, isn't it? I wasn't being didactic, I hate people who set themselves up as authorities about things they don't know. I didn't do that.

I was just warning her that this man might find her attractive because she is married. There are men out there who like the idea of shagging a married woman and it's just a game. I've met a few of them. Equally you've only got to the threads on here regularly to see that there are women who hit on other women's boyfriends/husbands. And it's usually because they want to prove something to someone, even themselves.

I'm not trying to 'win an argument' with you and I couldn't care less what you think about my 'pop psychology'. I wouldn't even call it that, I'm not psychoanalysing the guy, just saying he might be like some of the dicks that I've come across who like the challenge of a married woman.

If he does persist if she ignores him, he's refusing to get take the hint and people who like the thrill of the chase never have their interest piqued so much as by being ignored.

As for your phrase 'essentially telling him she wants to have sex with him' I am sorry but this reminds me of an old fashioned judge from a rape case in the bad old days who thinks it was fair enough for the perpetrator to assume sex was on the cards because of some 'message' he thought he'd picked up from a woman's behaviour or demeanour.

Giving someone your card who is a recruitment consultant when you want a new job, even going for a drink with him (when you think he might help your career, even if you happen to think he is attractive), and flirting with him over drinks are not tantamount to saying 'I want to have sex with you'. That's bollocks!

No, it was your rather bizarre attitude to a woman giving her business card to a recruitment consultant, then meeting him. The only infidelity indicated is to her employer - even if she fancied the consultant, and even if she flirted with him.

I agree OP sounds a bit of a twit, and the man sounds like a sleazeball, but you did deserve a bollocking Mark.

xpost

I can see your logic Mark. A Married person has the first responsibility.
As to women chasing, it's a whole different topic, but they do chase A LOT I'm no exception, especially the younger generation, but very specifically they chase good-looking or, alternatively, successful guys depending on their tastes (read the thread where the poster's gorgeous bloke gets women chatting him up the minute she's off for a minute in bars). Have you seen big numbers of groupies chasing popo stars - a lot more than women pop stars get chased by random guys as that is bordering on stalking (as it's seen). But I agree women (most women) don't chase just anyone available/willing, whereas some men can.

Mark sorry didn't see you reply before my last one, I see your point regarding married people. Indeed I came across decent men who i asked out (not knowing they were married as they were quite young) and they said 'flattered but I'm married/have gf', all the more respect to them! So no, not everyome is so far gone they can't say 'no'. Just was pointing out that all is not so black and white as far as initiative nowadays.

well in this case OP does want to have sex with him (at least hse says she's fantasising about a great shag). But in some cases, going for drinks with an attarctive guy is not equal wanting sex, no. Some women just need flattery as an ego boost but have no intention on going further.

@ garlicnutty

I didn't say any infidelity took place. I'm saying that whole thing is the OP's fault and everything she did was wrong and stupid. I'm saying she knew exactly what she was doing and where it was likely to lead.

well in this case OP does want to have sex with him

Well, it is true that she is fantasising about having sex with him, you are right there. But that's not quite the same as 'essentially TELLING HIM that she wants to have sex with him, is it??

Thinking about having sex with someone isn't telling them you want to have sex with them.

Going for a drink with them isn't telling them that you want to have sex with them.

And doing both together isn't telling someone you want to have sex with them either!

not telling directly, no, but all of this (especially as a married woman) is at least confusing to him, as it can well mean she wants to go further. Tbf, most people would see this as encouragement, especially texting after the drinks, responding to his sexy texts.