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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship - Red flags creeping in?

23 replies

PiggyTwoShoes · 30/09/2012 17:31

Been together just over two months. He's been great in all senses - respectful, funny, kind, generous, loving ...

At the weekend, we were in a taxi and he was having a laugh with the driver and the subject of beer bellys came up, he immediately turned to me, patted me on the belly and said "you have one of those, don't you!"

He knows I'm a bit insecure about my weight - it made me raise an eyebrow as he's NEVER put me down before.

I've tried thinking back over the weeks we've been together to see if I've missed any other red flags but I'm sure nothing else has come up.

Is this one to watch or am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

PiggyTwoShoes · 30/09/2012 17:32

Just to add I'm 5ft 10in and a size 10/12. I'm not overweight at all

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 30/09/2012 17:35

Had you had a few wines? It could be a crass joke. If there's nothing else to make you furrow your brow, I would park that comment away in my mind and continue to have fun and refer back to it if he started running me down..... But don't go hunting for insults cos you'll go bonkers.

HeathRobinson · 30/09/2012 17:43

That's what I thought, crass joke. If he's normally ok, then I'd ignore it. We all say things that don't reflect too well on us sometimes.

Original poster

PiggyTwoShoes · 30/09/2012 17:45

Yeah we'd had a few drinks but he was in a pretty weird mood all night, can't quite put my finger on it but I sensed something. Can't explain it.

OP posts:

EdMcDunnough · 30/09/2012 17:45

I'd keep an eye. It sounds a bit out of the blue if he isn't actually trying to make you feel more insecure.

I'd definitely be a bit wary.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2012 17:48

Do not ignore your sixth sense. Putting you down in front of other people is simply unacceptable. The fact that there was laughter as well during this somehow makes this worse.

Have a look too at the red flags thread on these pages; its entitled something along the lines of warnings I should have heeded for womenkind.

achillea · 30/09/2012 17:48

That's just weird, regardless of your size. You are very slim so it's not a kind of in-joke, you are self-conscious of your weight and he knows this so it's not supposed to make you laugh. On the other hand if there was drink involved and a bit of peer pressure, it could just be a foot in mouth moment.

Don't confront him about it, just make a mental note.

Helltotheno · 30/09/2012 20:59

I'm more concerned about the 'weird mood' you felt he was in, although time will probably tell that the two things were linked. If you sensed something, then there was something imo.

Separately to the above, do you mind my asking why, if you're 5ft 10in and a size 10/12, you're insecure about your weight? Ok no, scratch that: why, after two months together, have you imparted to him that you're insecure about your weight? I dunno, I kind of feel when a couple has been together a long time, you get to know each other's insecurities and it becomes no big deal... but definitely with a new person, I don't see the benefit in flagging those things... and in your case, on the face of it, what's to flag? Sorry, not giving you a hard time, just wondering...

SorryMyLollipop · 30/09/2012 21:49

I agree with Helltotheno, how does he know your insecurities so soon? I would be very wary. Very. It sounds quite nasty tbh.

needsomeperspective · 01/10/2012 05:28

I think it's fairly normal to feel its acceptable to call someone something they AREN'T. Ie "oi fatty" in a joking way to a skinny guy. Also remember that men show their affection for each other with insults (is he an ex public school boy?!). It may also indicate that he is in a roundabout way actually trying to reassure you "fat?! WTH?! @sarcasm mode@ yeah look at that immense gut!" Seems to me this is way more to do with your own insecurities than him. My husband claims to think he is ugly and fat (he is exceptionally good looking and not at all fat. I just say "yeah yeah whatever you're gross!" That not putting him down its refusing to pander to his ridiculousness.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2012 08:59

You're not over-reacting. For a very new relationship - when everyone's supposed to be trying to impress - that's incredibly ungallant. What sort of crass things is he going to say when you've been together a lot longer?

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 09:57

Why are you insecure about your weight?

And yes, why does he know you are?

janelikesjam · 01/10/2012 10:09

hmmm ... Two Shoes ... its hard to say. I went out with someone for the same amount of time who said something horribly crass about my appearance also (much worse than yours) and I was so shocked/surprised I let it go .

The weird mood. Was he distant in some way? It could be that he is losing interest, doesn't want the next stage of romance, and so feels more at liberty to say rude or destructive things? Perhaps he has a deepdown dislike of women and getting at their appearance is one way to show this? At 5 ft 10 and size 10/12 I would say you were pretty much Kate Moss material.

It sounds like it was not a loving, affectionate remark, so I agree v much with those who say take a "mental note". Sadly, it may be the shape of things to come. So look out for other disprespectful behaviour - not contacting you, cheap dates, putting down your values or opinions ...

Anyway, do let us know how it goes. Its still early days, and I think you are right to be cautious.

tzella · 01/10/2012 10:11

I'd be a bit about the way he chummed up with the taxi driver to put you down.

Weirdly, I see this with my male boss. He's a very good friend and its just me and him working together. But sometimes if there are a few macho jokes flying around (we have desks in a shared office) then sometimes ill get the boorish side if his tongue, mostly about not being very bright. It annoys the HELL out of me. 99% of the time it's me and him against the world (!) but very infrequently sometimes he treats me like a girlie moron and its only when he's trying to be one if the boys

I'd be looking extremely askance at this if he was my partner

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2012 10:13

"Why are you insecure about your weight?"

You don't have to be insecure at all to find a belly-patting, chubby reference offensive.

Helltotheno · 01/10/2012 10:22

sometimes he treats me like a girlie moron and its only when he's trying to be one if the boys

You should call him on that tzella... he probably doesn't see how offensive it is.

Cogito I agree, which is why I separated my two comments above. What he said was offensive, under any circs, no question about that. I guess the point I was making above was if you're an obvious bundle of insecurities from the off, there's more of a likelihood of attracting people who'll take advantage of those insecurities...

So any update OP?

tzella · 01/10/2012 10:33

Yes, helltotjeno I'm wracking my brains and recall one incident when I did give him a hard time back but wondering if its happened again since and I've glossed it over

I shan't again

Original poster

PiggyTwoShoes · 01/10/2012 10:42

Thanks for all the advice. I'm thinking it was probably just a bit of blokey banter that he tried to involve me in. He's lovely usually and is always telling me how pretty/beautiful I am (his opinion, not mine!) and he's always telling me I'm not fat.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2012 10:47

It probably was a bit of blokey banter but he's bloody thick if he didn't realise before he said it that it was offensive. Even if it's a one-off if his way of currying favour with a random taxi driver is to make bad-taste remarks about you.... what does that say about his character?

Original poster

PiggyTwoShoes · 01/10/2012 10:52

Funny thing is, I said there has been no red flags but we've never been in a group situation before - the thing with the taxi driver, maybe this is how he is in group situations?
Well we're going out on Friday night with a friend of mine and a group of her friends so we'll see how he acts when he has more of an audience.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 01/10/2012 10:58

and he's always telling me I'm not fat

But why does he need to tell you that? Why is that a feature of your relationship so early on?

Helltotheno · 01/10/2012 10:58

and he's always telling me I'm not fat

But why does he need to tell you that? Why is that a feature of your relationship so early on?

tzella · 01/10/2012 11:03

Keep a very close eye on this, OP. Especially when he has an audience.

You're not fat!
You're not fat!
You're not fat!
Haha, look how fat she is, everyone/cabbie!

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