I want nothing to do with him

[30ish]

My Mum gave birth to me shortly before her 21st birthday. The person who impregnated her didn't want to know and I have never met him or had any contact with him. He was nasty and abusive. He was not named on my birth certificate. My Mum married and my dad adopted me shortly after. I have a great relationship with my parents and I am very close to both of them. 2 weeks ago, we received a phone call from a neighbour telling us that a man has been around several times in the last few weeks asking after me, telling them that i am his daughter . He has written a letter (posted to my old address and them passed on to us) in which he explains that he has thought about me everyday for the last 30+ years, that at the time things were 'difficult' and that he will give me a few weeks before he pursues contact with me. He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him. I don't want to know him. I'm happy, I have great parents and I have thought about him very very rarely - my DH didn't even know his name and we have been together over 12 years. I have written and posted a very short note in which i have explained that he should not try to contact me again and that I am not interested. My Dad has today spoken to my DH and warned him that this man is trouble. He threatened my dad when he started seeing my Mum and told my Dad to watch his back. My Dad is worried because he doesn't think this man will give up trying to contact me easily or do as I have asked in the note. This man does not know where we live now and there or none of my contact details on the note. What shall I do if he still tries to make contact? I feel as though i am going to be looking over my shoulder for a while.

30ish
It is really hard to know what to do for the best as quicks story illustrates.
The majority of parents really do what they think is right.
In some ways it's easier for us. Although ds's birth mum is a relative we have adopted him though the tradional 'stranger' adoption system. At least you get some advice about these issues. Something that is presumably lacking for step parent adoptions.

I think actually the way this man has gone about pursuing the OP gives a clear enough indication that he's not someone she wants to interact with. He broadcasts her private business to the neighbours, sends a letter berating her for not having tried to contact him and says that he will continue pursuing her if she doesn't respond.

30ish: as you've sent him a note telling him to leave you alone, you can report any future contact attempts to the police and they will go and have a word with him. Best of luck.

needsomeperspective that's really sad for your dh. Quite common to from what I've seen in rl.

Solid - I intend to give it a week and if he contacts me again I will speak to the police & seek advice from a good friend who is a solicitor. Hopefully I won't need to.

You most certainly don't owe this man anything.

All I would say is that, if this is the only chance you get in your life to see and meet your biological father, just be 100% sure that you are doing what is best for YOU. The worst thing to have in life is regret so just be certain that you won't ever regret not taking the opportunity to meet him and see him for yourself.

Beyond that, do whatever the hell suits you! If he refuses to listen to your refusal to meet him, involve the police immediately.

sounds like my kids' dad. doesn't contribute but intends to turn up one day and tell them 'the truth'

your prerogative not to be in touch with bio father OP. hope your dad is ok.

I know you are worried about him contacting you again so Im trying to think what i would do in his situation.

If i received a letter from a birth child saying they didn't want anything to do with me. I would imagine that after searching for them and probably my heart aching for them for so many years i would be devastated. So i think i would find it very hard not to contact you/them again. I would i imagine have a lot that i wanted you to know so i would (i think) write a letter. Probably explaining how much i had thought about them, hoped they were happy, were saddened but respected their decision. I would have no way of knowing if they would read it or burn it but i would write it anyway (i think). Then i would leave it at that and not contact them again.

Perhaps just judge whether contacting the police is necessary based on his response. I think if he wrote a letter like that it wouldn't be even remotely necessary. Of course if he starts harassing you and not taking no for an answer then you should get advice. I do think the suggestions of calling the police are jumping the gun and catastrophising.

My FIL never felt the need to contact his bio parents- until he hit his sixties and developed health issues, had to answer all the 'family history' problems with 'I don't know' and it started to get to him. I think he missed his Mum by about 6 weeeks sadly, she had died and his presumed siblings want nothing to do with him, they think he is after their cash- not the case at all.

You do owe him nothing at all. Absolutely. But every story has two siudes and if it were me I'd probably want to ehar both, even if just so I could look into his eyes and say 'you didn;t want me when I needed you, you can;t have me now'.

Whatever happens though it's entirely your call and there are no rights or wrongs here, just what you wish to do.

If you have a friend who's a solicitor, you could always ask them to write a letter for you if he contacts you again. Then, if he ignores it, you'd have something to take to show the police.

Marked I've spoken to my friend and she has suggested that if he does try to make any further contact I should speak to the police. She said that a good officer would just have a friendly word with him. Some officers might just say its none of their business and refuse to do anything about it. The next step would be a solicitors letter, stating that I do not want any contact and that he should stay away. If he still tries to make contact I would apply for an injunction due to harassment. Harassment being anything that makes me uncomfortable. I now feel as though I have a plan of action. I have made the right decision for me. I'm really quite jittery today as I think he should have received my letter today at the latest.

Glad you have a plan of action, 30ish - sorry you feel jittery though. I hope he takes your letter at its word and leaves you be now.

How's your dad?

He's just tired at the moment but he has been since starting hormone treatment. He's got several weeks of daily doses of radiation therapy yet. We've got a long way to go but thanks for asking Fuckadoodle.

30ish - tell your Dad that he needs to rest as much as he can when he's tired, especially after the radiotherapy starts - it's not like normal tiredness. My Dad was ok for the first few treatments, but then the tiredness really kicked in and to start with he tried to work through it - Bad move. He needs to allow himself to be tired and rest as much as he needs.