I want nothing to do with him

[30ish]

My Mum gave birth to me shortly before her 21st birthday. The person who impregnated her didn't want to know and I have never met him or had any contact with him. He was nasty and abusive. He was not named on my birth certificate. My Mum married and my dad adopted me shortly after. I have a great relationship with my parents and I am very close to both of them. 2 weeks ago, we received a phone call from a neighbour telling us that a man has been around several times in the last few weeks asking after me, telling them that i am his daughter . He has written a letter (posted to my old address and them passed on to us) in which he explains that he has thought about me everyday for the last 30+ years, that at the time things were 'difficult' and that he will give me a few weeks before he pursues contact with me. He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him. I don't want to know him. I'm happy, I have great parents and I have thought about him very very rarely - my DH didn't even know his name and we have been together over 12 years. I have written and posted a very short note in which i have explained that he should not try to contact me again and that I am not interested. My Dad has today spoken to my DH and warned him that this man is trouble. He threatened my dad when he started seeing my Mum and told my Dad to watch his back. My Dad is worried because he doesn't think this man will give up trying to contact me easily or do as I have asked in the note. This man does not know where we live now and there or none of my contact details on the note. What shall I do if he still tries to make contact? I feel as though i am going to be looking over my shoulder for a while.

I hadn't thought of that Izzy. I don't know if he knows whether or not i know. IYKWIM?
I don't think he has my best intentions at heart.

I think he is selfish and has his own reasons for wanting to make contact after 30+ years.

My username has suddenly become quite appropriate.

Izzy My dad is the a good honest hard working man and has always been there for me as a dad.

He is also one of the most tactless, socially awkward people i have ever met. He says really inappropriate things! He doesn't think before he speaks, i don't think he is capable of doing that and talks over people and so comes across as insensitive and not the sort to consider the feelings of others either.

I actually think he has an undiagnosed attention deficit problem and some AS traits.

If this was my dad trying to track me down (not that we are in this situation or ever have been) i would from knowing him fully expect him to say the wrong things to neighbours/in letters/to me or wherever.

That's why i don't think people should be jumping on this one part of what we know about him to decide he must be a wrongun or whatever.

Sometimes people just don't go about stuff the perfect way.

Not that this means the op should suddenly open her heart and door to him when she clearly doesn't want to and is right to trust her instincts. But the posts talking about calling the police based on how little we know are so over the top. You call the police because someone is harassing you, not because they have contacted you once. Hopefully this man will respect the ops wishes.

You call the police because someone is harassing you, not because they have contacted you once

This is exactly what I've advised 30ish to do, Fuckadoodle.

It may be that 30ish's biological father has certain traits that predispose him to lack of tact and sensitivity towards others but, given that he's left it 30 years to come forward, one would have hoped that he'd sought advice from others before setting out on his quest.

You'd hope yes. My dad wouldn't, he'd stumble his way through it clumsily.

dondon33 - if you are still around.

After your message, was there any further attempt to contact you?

30-ish: You might also find it helpful to get in touch with NORCAP or a similar organisation dedicated to helping adopted people. They will not try to force you into making contact, but they will let you talk things through. Because it's unsettling to have a bio-parent appear out of the blue (which is why up until very recently it was simply illegal for bio-parents to contact children they had given up parental rights over) and also unsettling to discover that a bio parent wasn't a very nice person, if you hadn't known that before.

I remember reading in the papers that the law was changing to allow bio-parents to seek out children who had been adopted (about 10 years ago) and being alarmed and ringing my dad in a flap. No one has ever tried to find me, which I consider a good thing, but I was unsettled when I realised it was an actual possibility.

I would not go and meet him unless you knew more about him. Presumably he does not know what you look like so you are 'safe' for now.
A private detective could possibly give you some more information about him without having to meet him.

MORECRAP NORCAP may appear to have a monopoly in tracing birth relatives on behalf of adoptees and adopted children on behalf of birth parents but this is far from being the case.

It has never been illegal for birth parents to trace/make contact with their adopted child/ren once the child/ren has/have attained the age of majority - formerly 21 years of age and currently 18 years of age - but until recent changes in the law and the creation of the Adoption Register it was a difficult, but not impossible, task for birth parents to trace their adopted child/ren and make direct contact with them once they came of age.

Prior to social acceptance of single parenthood, many young girls/women were pressured into giving their babies up for adoption and some carry the trauma of separation from their infants and the sense of shame they were made to feel, and still feel, at giving birth to illegitimate children into old age.

The number of infants under 1 yo placed for adoption has dramatically decreased since the late 70's and children who are placed for adoption either singly or as sibling groups are more likely to have come from birth families where their removal was necessitated because of significant risk of harm to their wellbeing.

Adopton is a complex and emotive issue but, once they become adults, all adopted children have the right to see their adoption file(s) before making any decision as to whether they wish to trace or have contact with their birth relatives.

Yes, unfortunately a few more messages, drunken ones I believe, that I ignored.
Then a few months ago I'd been for an interview in another Town, car was in the garage so I had to get the bus....passing through the village I'd been raised....Guess who got on?
Yup, the sperm donor, he came and tried to sit next me but I wouldn't let him, we had a few words and I actually got off the bus because he was pissing me off and I didn't want to cause a scene and I could feel my patience with him wearing very thin.

30ish, the main reasons I can think of why he would be trying to contact you now are:

1. he has no money and is trying to see if he can get any out of you because all his other monetary avenues have failed
2. he is ill, possibly terminally, and it has made him realise what an utter twat he's been for the last 30+ years to ignore you
3. he has no other friends or family, the last one having recently died, and he's feeling sorry for himself and has decided that any family would be better than none.

As none of those reasons would in any way benefit you, they just continue the pattern of selfish arsehole that he has played for the last 30+ years, I wouldn't waste any time worrying over him, except if he refuses to go away.

As others have said, contact the police on the non-emergency line and discuss with them what to do if he continues to harass you.

As for what you call him - sperm donor is usually a good choice, or biological progenitor would do if you prefer.

Oh and sorry to hear about your Dad's illness - hope the treatment works for him. x

Thumbwitch. You can't possibly know that!

they just continue the pattern of selfish arsehole that he has played for the last 30+ year

If he allowed the op to be adopted because he thought she would be better off that way, then that is anything but selfish. Are all birth parents whose give up their children selfish arseholes then?

This thread has really disturbed me. The amount of posters who have decided he is a terrible person based on the fact that his child was adopted and from one comment from the ops stepdad. That's it!

Thumb. You can't possibly know why he has tried to get in touch after all these years, the possibilities are endless, yet you've chosen the most negative ones you can. I suspect an own agenda.

Sorry adopted father, not stepdad.

Suspect all you like, fuckadoodle. You know nothing either.

My DH foresees being in your biological fathers position.

His ex had an affair, married the OM and then did everything in her power to stop my DH from seeing his son. My DH was military and on deployment for more than half of every year and if contact isn't facilitated by the resident parent it is not possible to maintain it. She threw away his letters, hung up the phone and denied him access and called the police saying he wa threatening if e visited. His son forgot who he was and so he gave up trying because it was more damaging to his son to keep going with attempting to have a relationship.

She did this because she had her neat little mum and dad family with her and OM bringing up the child.

I am 100% certain that us NOT the story my DHs son will hear. He will be told nothing at all and if pushed mum is highly likely on past form to say he abandoned them, was violent and abusive, threatened step father (which he did when he caught him in bed with his wife!) and he should stay well away. And I'm positive son will believe every world because why wouldn't he?

You do NOT know the whole story nor will you unless you meet your bio dad. Maybe he is seven shades of shit, maybe he was then but is now a decent guy who wants to see how his only child turned out and see you before it's too late.

My DH went looking for his own bio father when he was mid 30s and when he found where he lived he was too late - his bio dad had passed away the previous year. It's a huge regret for him he never got to meet his real dad and his half sister tells him his dad looked for him for years before he died and was always sad he never found him.

Maybe your bio dad is feeling his mortality and wants to meet you before he passes away.

You just won't know though if you ignore him.

There very often is a back story. The child never wants to know about grey, just black and white (adopted father good, birth father bad) but morally I think it's only fair to allow him a neutral ground meeting with her husband there just to see. Then just leave it, may be just a card at Christmas, photos of the grandchidlren and that's it if she doesn't like him. He may be lovely.

The police shoudl be involved as I said ab ove when you have written clearly to him about no contact and confirmed any more will be dealt with and perhaps then when he has made 20 direct attempts at contact after he knows he should not and you have a series of letters to him making that clear (not after a tiny number which is not illegal).

Presupposing that the OP was the subject of an Adoption Order as opposed to having her name changed to that of the father who raised her, if her biological father wasn't named on the OP's birth certificate his consent was not required for the OP to be adopted by her newly married parents, Fuckadoodle.

The suffering of many mothers who were forced by circumstance to give their babies up for adoption is well documented and it is also well documented that, in the vast majority of cases, the fathers were long gone before the births of their offspring.

There is now no social stigma to bearing dc out of wedlock and provision has been made in the form of the CSA for men to be brought to account for dc they have fathered with no intention of raising.

The police should be involved ^when he has made 20 direct attempts at contact after he knows he should not Xenia

If he were to make one attempt by letter per year for the next 20 years I would see no reason for the police to be involved but, if after receiving a note from the OP stating that she does not wish to have contact with him, he persists in a manner that she is uncomfortable with she should have have no hesitation in involving the police in this matter.

Adoption is often sad for one of the parties involved. It's rate for both natural parents to give up a child without regret.

And sometimes it doesn't work out well for the adopted child.

But it's pointless (and a bit unfair) trying to persuade the OP of the rights and wrongs as you see it for anyone else. I direct this at the posters speculating about the reason her father didn't stick around/the circumstances of the adoption/anyone's motives (fuckadoodle, Xenia).

She is certain of her position - happy without him in her life. And that's it. She doesnt know or care what he's like and is entitled to her feelings. His approach has been a bit tactless as some have pointed out.

No point wasting time debating the morality of the situation. The OP is happy with the status quo without him turning up and getting involved and that is all that matters really. She's got a right to come on here to ask what to do without having her situation dissected and questioned by strangers, surely?

*rare

Tired - thank you. I am very certain of my position. I'm happy and I really don't care about his feelings or what he's like etc.

I'm quite astonished that people are questioning the back story (the validity of the information) when I myself simply do not care. I am an adult, I have a right to decide who I do or do not want on my life.

Needsomeperspective - you too only have one side of the story. Are you really certain that you Dhs wasn't a violent, abusive husband who was better out rather than in his ds's life? I'm not jumping to any conclusions or suggesting that he was.

We've always lived in the same town, he could easily have tried to make contact earlier. He would still have been given the same response.

needsome
That is your experience so let's balance that out with mine.

Ds's birth mother is a damaged individual who has never been able to put our son's needs before her own.

However he has been bought up with an honest and unjudgemental view of her.
Any thing she has sent has been kept for him.

But we would be doing him a disservice if we did not tell him the truth about his birth mother.

IME this is what the majority of families dealing with an absent birth parent do. They think about the welfare of their child. That often means putting aside their own personal hurts and ignoring the demands of the birth parent.

Neither of us know if the OP's situation is closer to yours or mine.

Agree with MrsDeVere, people have to be honest about birth parents.

My dad and step mum never said a bad word about my birth mother. They felt that would be wrong and I should make my own judgements.

I had to visit her from about the age of five for a day a week. I hated it, felt there was something very wrong. It wasn't until I was an older teenager that I worked out what an awful individual she was. It caused me a huge amount of self doubt as I felt I should like her as no one had made me aware of what a narcissist she was.

It took me a long time to forgive my dad for doing that to me. I did talk to him about it and he was sorry, he just felt he was doing the right thing at the time.

Adult should protect children not throw them to the lions.

I think my story is probably similar to yours orange. I did wonder why my parents actually told me about the events surrounding my birth in the first place. Until now!