I want nothing to do with him

[30ish]

My Mum gave birth to me shortly before her 21st birthday. The person who impregnated her didn't want to know and I have never met him or had any contact with him. He was nasty and abusive. He was not named on my birth certificate. My Mum married and my dad adopted me shortly after. I have a great relationship with my parents and I am very close to both of them. 2 weeks ago, we received a phone call from a neighbour telling us that a man has been around several times in the last few weeks asking after me, telling them that i am his daughter . He has written a letter (posted to my old address and them passed on to us) in which he explains that he has thought about me everyday for the last 30+ years, that at the time things were 'difficult' and that he will give me a few weeks before he pursues contact with me. He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him. I don't want to know him. I'm happy, I have great parents and I have thought about him very very rarely - my DH didn't even know his name and we have been together over 12 years. I have written and posted a very short note in which i have explained that he should not try to contact me again and that I am not interested. My Dad has today spoken to my DH and warned him that this man is trouble. He threatened my dad when he started seeing my Mum and told my Dad to watch his back. My Dad is worried because he doesn't think this man will give up trying to contact me easily or do as I have asked in the note. This man does not know where we live now and there or none of my contact details on the note. What shall I do if he still tries to make contact? I feel as though i am going to be looking over my shoulder for a while.

I was very annoyed that he had called me his daughter. I just wonder why he wants contact now, after all this time. But that is all I wonder about & I can certainly live without knowing why if he leaves me alone.

Yes, I don't blame you being annoyed, it's outrageous and particularly when said to an outsider. He is interfering in your life and isn't even keeping this confidential. You have the right for your origins not to be broadcast to neighbours or strangers.

This stuff is all personal and it's completely your prerogative to do what you want. The people that have said you owe him nothing are right.

Fwiw, I have a little experience of these things but from another perspective. Found out two years ago that my mum had twin daughters nine years before I was born and put them up for adoption. They contacted her after nearly fifty years. They had already mourned their adoptive parents who they loved and who had always made clear to them that they wouldn't mind if they sought their biological parents. Then they looked for my mum.

My mum really did think about them every day for 48 years. But she gave birth to them and had them with her for six weeks. She wanted desperately to keep them but when their father wouldn't marry her, she couldn't.

She was thrilled when they got in touch. But she always saw it as their prerogative and would never have dreamt of seeking a relationship with them against their wishes or even contacting them. She actually saw their failure to look for her as comforting, because she thought it meant they were happy with their lives.

It was a bit tricky at first, mostly because mum had never told my three siblings and me about what happened and it was a shock, but we all love each other and it's worked out well.

Now they are about to meet their natural father. I know my mum finds this a little difficult because she feels he doesn't deserve these wonderful women in his life (he denied paternity at the time, which led directly to their adoption), but she is pleased for them because they want to meet him. The point is, it is their choice.

If you really have any respect for your natural children you do not seek to impose yourself on them. He didn't take any responsibility for you then, and now he is making demands. If you want nothing from him tell him to fuck off and get the law behind you if necessary.

Also, really sorry about your dad. It must be even harder for you having this man come into your life when your real dad is ill. Hope all goes well with his treatment.

We don't know why he contributed nothing. The mother and adoptive father may have chosen to refuse everythnig. Countless absent parents send money and letters and mean resident parents burn them all. I would get to the real facts here rather than go on what has been h eard 3rd hand. A genetic parent is a genetic parent. He may be lovely or he may have won £100m on the lottery and want to share it.

I think the thing to remember he is that OP "sted dad" adopted her so he is her dad
the sperm doner is just that
if the OP does not want to find out who the sperm doner is that is her choice
the sperm doner signed away his rights when he let the "step dad"adopt
I would phone the police now and say you are being stalked by the man who signed adopted paper . He has no rights to see at all. He sign them away.

'Surely he has a moral right at least once to meet you perhaps at a neural place with your husband present.'

A moral right? For contributing sperm?

Where's he been for the last x number of years?

Are some of you confused or unable to read? The OP is not asking for your opinion on meeting this bloke she has a clear and well reasoned decision on that front. She's asking what she should do if he continues to intimidate her parents neighbours and tries to force contact.

OP I would ring your local police station on their area number for advice and advise your parents neighbours to do the same if they feel intimidated. It is not okay for anyone to try to intimidate others into supplying them with information on you or to try to force you into any form or relationship with them.

My brother is adopted and he was contacted by his bio mother recently with a very emotive letter. He doesn't want to meet her either. So I'd also re-iterate its not even the point that he may be a wanker. You don't want to see him. You don't have to. Please don't feel bad in any way

OP, I think what you should do depends on who you want to get involved. Anything official would involve courts and police, but that does mean giving up some of your privacy as you will have to tell strangers about it all. Other than that, ignoring him and instructing your friends/family to ignore him would be the only thing to do. Given he has made only one attempt to contact you so far, I would wait for now. He may have changed enough in 30 years that he will be more respctful of your wishes and will leave you alone now you have made your wishes clear to him. I think to have grounds for any official action, he would have to made several attempts at least to contact you

He also can't understand why I haven't searched for him.

...sounds like the kind of self-centred tripe an abusive person would spout. That, and the fact that he is "giving you" a couple weeks before he pursues contact. Rather than, you know, leaving it in your hands whether you wish to establish contact.

I hope you are able to keep him away from you without too much difficulty, OP. Hold on to your own wishes in this scenario: you have a right to have them respected.

Thank you StrangeGlue - i'd started to wonder if i'd been unclear about the information given.

Also, he was asking MY neighbours at my previous address. Neighbours/good friends of ours at the house my DH and I lived in for nearly ten years and sold 18 months ago, not my parents house. Sorry! We (my DH and children x2) have only moved to the next street so it is quite unnerving that he was so close.

Xenia - i am not asking if I am being unreasonable! I don't really care what you or anyone else think with regards to my refusing to have any contact with him. It's my choice. I have wonderful parents (regardless of what you think) and siblings who would support me even if i did decide to contact him.

My question was what should I do if he refuses to respect my wishes. If he doesn't leave me alone.

How anyone can assume they can walk into someone's life without an invite is beyond me and in my opinion completely unreasonable. I am not shallow - even if he has/did won/win the lottery it would be kind of like reading it in the newspaper - "oh, that's nice (turning page), what's for tea?" or "He's been run over by a bus? Oh dear, what a shame. Did you remember to pick up some milk on the way home?" He is a stranger. I do not wish him any harm i just don't want him in my life.

If he does enough to amount to a breach of the law you can get him stopped. So far he does not even know where you live and if you write to him as you say and say you don't want contact and if he receives the letter and makes say 20 attempts to contact (keep records of them all) write to him again saying you will next go to the police or a solicitor about it. That will probably stop him.

Hotdamn - good point. Rereading his letter, there seem to be a couple of things that point to him being self centred. Things were difficult for HIM at the time (my mum was just 20 and gave birth on her own, the welfare system wasn't the same now as it was then and she returned to work after only a few weeks because she had to. I went to a nursery for children of unwed mothers), HE can't understand why I haven't been searching for him and HE will be in touch with me. It seems that he isn't giving me much of a choice.

As an aside (and probably too much information), my Dad met my mum when she was heavily pregnant but she wouldn't entertain him because she said that she was fat and ugly. He promised her that he would send flowers when I was born and he did. They married when I was 2. I was a very cute bridesmaid.

Xenia - thank you. I'm sorry of you think I sound harsh but i have always known about the circumstances surrounding my birth and i have never wanted contact.

Sorry OP! I just wanted to make the point that it's the adoptee's prerogative to seek their natural parent(s) not the other way around. And that no right-minded birth parent would do what he is doing... trying to contact you and going the ham-fisted way of approaching your neighbours. It's not the action of a caring person. These things should put you on the alert and it's not surprising you are worried he might not get the message.

I'm no expert on these things, but someone probably is. I guess for now, all you can do is wait and see if your letter has been enough to make him leave you alone. Someone's suggestion that After Adoption are likely to be helpful is a good one.

What a lovely romantic story about your parents :)

I know what it feels like 30.
My mum had me at 17 and once pregnant the sperm donor (is what I call him, NEVER refer to him as my Dad) swiftly left and shacked up with someone else.
To keep this short....most of my childhood I spent calling him uncle, I had contact with his parents but never knew what he was to me.
He used to ignore me when I was at my GP's house, never engaging in conversation with me and would walk past me in the street without acknowledging me. What kind of person can do that to an innocent child (your innocent child!)
I did "find out" when I was around 11/12 yrs old and to be honest it made no difference to me what so ever. The fucked up situation just continued as before.
Even as an adult in his presence, like at family funerals, where we had no choice but to be in the same place- he just blanked me.

A few years ago....one day I logged into facebook and there was a message from him :@ basically saying he knew he'd been a shit and was sorry, he thought about me all of the time (really? then why did he never speak to me when he seen me as a child then?) and that I was still his daughter (it made my skin crawl to read that) and always would be..... Oh the nerve!
My reply was a short one in which I told him that he hadn't bothered, cared about or even had the damn decency to speak to me for 31 years, I hadn't needed him in all of that time and certainly didn't now and there was no way I was going to play any part in easing his guilty conscience.
I'm not a hateful person, to be honest I have no feeling towards him.

You have every right to keep this man out of your life 30, you owe him absolutely nothing and I agree with others if he persists then contact the police, he will get the message.
I don't agree with the moral right neither, he gave up ANY right when he walked away from your mum.
Take care x

He hasn't taken an interest for 30 years and approaching neighbours and saying you are his daughter is a completely inappropriate way to handle things and doesn't bode well.

I don't agree. What else was he supposed to say to help him track you down? The neighbours would have wondered who the hell this man was asking after you, what would you rather he said!

Thank you tired and dondon.

Tired - i never thought of making contact with or of him contacting me. I did understand what you were saying.

Dondon - my letter was also very short, formal and to the point. I don't want him to have any information about me.

I really appreciate all your replies. Your messages have also really made me think about my situation and now i'm even more certain that the decision i've made is correct.

It's been such a shock. I will definitely speak to the police if i hear from him again - although this seems slightly over the top i know it would be the best thing to do. It's all a bit surreal. My biggest worry now is that he will approach me when I am leaving or entering my home with my children and say something along the lines of 'You are my daughter' or similar in front of my DD. Especially after what he said to our old neighbours. DD is young but wise enough to compute what this means.

Thank you again for your messages.

I agree with xenia when she says

You are going on what people have told you. That is hearsay. It could all be lies.

I've seen that happen! I think its pretty common. Well, we see on the step parenting threads the things people say about their exs and use their children to punish each other. I wouldn't believe it all without seeing for myself personally. Even the most well intentioned parents can mess up in this area. Sometimes they seem to forget that if the other parent is a terrible partner that might not necessarily have nothing positive to give to their child. (that sentence doesn't quite make sense!)

Who knows what really happened, why he didn't pay financially, but i would want to hear it from him myself. You clearly are not bothered about it but make sure your reasons for this. If its only because you've been given this impression of him being quite a scary man remember that this may not be true, be open to interpretation, or could even be a complete lie.

In my exs case his mother bad mouthed his dad his whole life. Even now as an adult she refuses to give him the contact details. It recently transpired that the real reason for this was because his dad didn't want a relationship with her. She was angry and so kept them apart.

fuckadoodle - have you read any of what i've written? I don't care what you think with regards to contacting him or even what you think about the information (actually lack of) i was given about him as a child. I don't want to see him. As Dondon also said - I have no feelings for this man. He is a stranger. He didn't contribute financially because he was never expected or asked to. He didn't want my mum or me. He was never bad mouthed, my mum and dad never ever said anything bad about him. I never asked, they never told. If i had asked, i'm very sure they would have told me the details. I didn't/don't want to know. I only now know that he was abusive and threatening because my dad spoke to my DH AFTER i'd posted my letter.

You've obviously been spending too much time on step parenting threads. One size does not fit all.

You're entitled to have, or not have, a relationship with whoever you want. If you don't want contact, and he persists even after you've made your feelings clear, I wouldn't hesitate to go down the legal route. Do what is right for you, here, no one else.

I also feel weird and uncomfortable knowing that my 'donor' was abusive to my mum. Having only just heard this information, it's difficult to digest.

Yes i did read what you have written. Which was what i meant by . . .

. . . but i would want to hear it from him myself. You clearly are not bothered about it but make sure your reasons for this

Meaning you clearly aren't bothered about seeing him. That's your choice naturally. What i meant was make sure that your reasons for not wanting anything to do with him are not based on things which you have been told which may not be true. Not calling your parents liars but people do tend to bend or embellish the truth.

Sounds like you have made up your mind anyway.

Abusive in what way to your mum? That info does seem to have made you very nervous which is understandable.

I know you are not interested in my opinion, you've made that clear. But i will say are you sure your adoptive father isn't saying that to hopefully stop you building a relationship with your bio dad in case it upsets your mum?

Fuckadoodle - I know you have good intentions but i see daily in my professional capacity, the damage parents can cause by bending and embellishing the truth. I really am not naive on that front. My mum has always taught me to trust my instincts. His letter made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I don't know in what way abusive to my mum. My dad only told my DH this. That's it in it's entirety - it wasn't embellished.

What else was he supposed to say to help him track the OP down, Fuckadoodle?

How about 'I'm looking for 30ish's