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Original poster

Dh is giving dd2 the silent treatment

75 replies

SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 18:29

She is 11 months old.

Most nights she wakes at about midnight and goes back to sleep when I turn on her mobile and pat her back. Then she wakes again at 4 or 5am and I bring her through to our bed and feed her.

Last night she woke at 1 am and wouldn't go back to sleep. I sat in her room patting her back and cuddling her, and she cried on and off. After about 45 minutes of this dh stormed in, called dd2 a "little shit" and said he was going to sleep on the sofa.

This morning she crawled over to greet him and he said "If you think you're getting smiles or cuddles from me, you're very much mistaken."

Then when he came home from work she got excited and waved and smiled at him, and he completely ignored her. :( He's being pretty curt with me too.

He also told me that he'd cancelled the birthday present he'd ordered for her birthday next month, but later said that he wasn't serious about that.

I'm so sad for dd2 - her only crime is being a baby. In dh's defence he's had a lot of stress/personal problems and isn't well, so needs his sleep. I'm still Sad and Angry at him, but he's making out that dd2 and I are in the wrong so it's hard to talk about it.

Not sure where to take it from here.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 21/03/2006 18:32

If he's holding grudges and point-scoring over a baby then he needs a damned good talking to imo - she's a baby, she is not capable of doing any of these things deliberately to annoy him. She hasn't done anything wrong, and she can't remember in the morning that he was peed off with her in the night.

I think you need to give him a good kick up the arse and a few home truths.

jalopy · 21/03/2006 18:32

Shock Shock Shock Who's the baby here? Tell him to grow up, fgs.

unicorn · 21/03/2006 18:34

It sounds like he has some big problems, taking them out on a baby is obviously not the answer.

Can you sleep apart for a while until he can get over his illness and bad temper?

Perhaps he needs to talk things through with a doctor (altho men don't do talking I know) perhaps he has depression?

snowleopard · 21/03/2006 18:38

This is so wrong and unreasonable... so sorry for you s&s. Tell him if he wants a pleasant, well-behaved and happy daughter when she's older he has to rethink his attitude big time. Silent treatment, emotional bullying and aggression are not conducive to raising a child with good self-esteem and awareness of others. And of course you're right, at the moment she can't be held responsible for anything. I would be extremely firm, tell him this is completely out of order and damaging, and he must have counselling.

BonyM · 21/03/2006 18:47

Who exactly is behaving like a "little shit" here? Not the baby, that's for sure.

He is completely wrong to do this and there is no excuse for his behaviour. I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like the behaviour of a loving father.

My dh is constantly under a lot of stress at work, yet, despite recently returning from a one night trip to the States and having very little sleep over the space of two days, he still leapt out of bed when dd2 woke up the first night he was back (and went to her and rocked her back to sleep).

How does your dh usually behave towards her?

Mercy · 21/03/2006 18:49

I would first of all do as WWB and others suggest, and then tell him he will be sleeping on teh sofa every night from now on.

Angry on your behalf

edam · 21/03/2006 19:14

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else. Your dh is behaving appallingly. And needs a stiff talking to. Yes, maybe he does need some extra TLC if he is having a tough time. But taking it out on a tiny baby is absolutely wrong.

Does he not realise that her brain works differently to his, and there is not a snowball's chance in hell of her understanding 'daddy is grouchy because he was woken up in the night'?!

He really does need a back to basics chat asap. Because this behaviour is beyond unreasonable. And if he doesn't sort himself out urgently he's going to risk damaging their long-term relationship. She may not remember the words he's using when she's grown up but his behaviour towards her will affect her emotional and social development.

Gave dh a stiff talking to for something similar when ds was tiny (although not as bad). Dh pulled himself up smartly and thankfully realised he was being an a*se.

Caligula · 21/03/2006 19:18

I wouldn't want an adult like that around my child tbh.

If adult is the right word here.

Isyhan · 21/03/2006 19:21

Lets hope he isnt a physical person thats all I can say!!

noddyholder · 21/03/2006 19:24

I find this shocking not that he is stressed but that he is taking it out on a baby his baby.Talk about this now as I'm sure he is going to regret it big time in years to come She will only be a baby once He needs help

compo · 21/03/2006 19:26

It might be a idea to send him to the gp to see if he's depressed.

Angeliz · 21/03/2006 19:27

That is awful. Really awful.
My God i am exhausetd with dd2, she is 13 months and a right little wriggler all night but i wouldn't make her pay the next day!
The poor baby won't know what's going on and it's just awful to think of her getting excited at Daddy coming home and him ignoring her.

I can honestly say if my DP did that, i'd have Hell on. You must talk to him and make him see how pathetic and cruel he is being.

Poor baby!

harpsichordcarrier · 21/03/2006 19:30

honestly, I would give him a chance to change. If he didn't change, I would tell him to leave until he sorted out his attitude.
not acceptable, not negotiable.

Chandra · 21/03/2006 19:31

Is he reacting like this towards a baby??? Blody hell, how old is he? 7 yrs old? I think he needs a good kick in the arse or maybe a long chat to make him understand what a baby is. Better now than later, how would he react if an older child/teenager is the offender??? Angry

tiredemma · 21/03/2006 19:32

he sounds like a complete twat, I would lose all respect for my DP if he treated either of our sons like that.

Chandra · 21/03/2006 19:33

And I'm not saying that he should expect an 11m baby to wake up every night for a pat, but that he should reconsider his attitude, obviously the silent treatment is totally useless with a baby

unicorn · 21/03/2006 19:39

ahh but the silent treatment is getting a response/reaction from his dw isn't it?

He is behaving awfully - but (and it aint an excuse - just trying to understand) - is this your first child?
It does take time for people to adapt to having kids, and some (men particularly, dare I say)take a hell of a long time.

Sounds like he is jealous too - and therefore taking it all out (via the baby) on you. (not uncommon in men)

Chandra · 21/03/2006 19:46

YEah, but is that the response he was looking for? I do think though that he is out of his mind by choosing to hurt his DD's feelings to get to his mum, if that's the case. But I agree that at 11m I would be also expecting a child to sleep through. (BUT as I said, I don't aprove of his aproach, so please don't flame me Wink

Sparklemagic · 21/03/2006 19:56

springandsummer, I would act on this with him NOW. Don't let him ignore you or her - get angry with him and MEAN it. You need to make it clear to him that you are not having this - bearing grudges to a baby for simply being a baby is simply not acceptable. I would shout, cry - whatever you have to do to make it clear that you are outraged by this and simply won't tolerate it.

He needs to realise he must shape up. I think if you silently accept him being 'curt' with you, you give him the power in the situation, and that is outrageous considering his behaviour has been completely unacceptable. I really don't like to be too strong in my views about people I don't know, and don't want to alienate you, but his behaviour is beyond childish. If you allow him to 'get away' with it, he won't realise how bad it is. Personally this sort of behaviour is one of the VERy few things that would make me split up with my partner over because I simply could not bear to see my child treted like that.

He needs to know clear boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour and it needs to be you that shows him. good luck.

moondog · 21/03/2006 19:57
Shock He needs locking up,the arse!
Enid · 21/03/2006 19:59

what a sad story

to bear a grudge that long against a baby is terrible

SenoraPostrophe · 21/03/2006 20:02

that is absolutely outrageous. there is no defence (and I'm usually the first one to find reasons for bad behaviour).

If you really can't speak to him about it, then write him a letter and take dd somewhere for a few days - I really think it's that serious and that important.

monkeytrousers · 21/03/2006 20:08

That is really scary behaviour and very very serious. I agree with everyone else.

Piffle · 21/03/2006 20:09

Jesus H Christ
I am truly shocked, what a nasty nasty man.
To quote a song
If it happens again I'm leaving
No way canthat little outburst go without serious serious words and action.

Piffle · 21/03/2006 20:10

And for the record my dd did not sleep through til 27 mths, dp and I shared the waking up and I never heard anything like that ever come out of his mouth Shock