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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is giving dd2 the silent treatment

75 replies

SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 18:29

She is 11 months old.

Most nights she wakes at about midnight and goes back to sleep when I turn on her mobile and pat her back. Then she wakes again at 4 or 5am and I bring her through to our bed and feed her.

Last night she woke at 1 am and wouldn't go back to sleep. I sat in her room patting her back and cuddling her, and she cried on and off. After about 45 minutes of this dh stormed in, called dd2 a "little shit" and said he was going to sleep on the sofa.

This morning she crawled over to greet him and he said "If you think you're getting smiles or cuddles from me, you're very much mistaken."

Then when he came home from work she got excited and waved and smiled at him, and he completely ignored her. :( He's being pretty curt with me too.

He also told me that he'd cancelled the birthday present he'd ordered for her birthday next month, but later said that he wasn't serious about that.

I'm so sad for dd2 - her only crime is being a baby. In dh's defence he's had a lot of stress/personal problems and isn't well, so needs his sleep. I'm still Sad and Angry at him, but he's making out that dd2 and I are in the wrong so it's hard to talk about it.

Not sure where to take it from here.

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 21/03/2006 22:56

I agree Beets, we should give him the benefit of the doubt..once.

Socci · 21/03/2006 23:05

ShockSad You know, when I read the title of this thread I thought dd2 must be an adult. This is unbelievable. Your husband is not behaving rationally and I agree with others that he may well be suffering from depression.

Sleepless nights are the name of the game when you have young children, as we all know - he sounds very childish indeed and is goig to lay the foundations for a bad relationship with his daughter Sad.

Tortington · 21/03/2006 23:10

he sounds like a twt. he wont* have both the kids?

was he actually there when they were concieved?

his lack of understaning of how to care for children isbeing compounded by yourself.

you may be against smacking but i would rather be hit once than be starved of affection and screamed at thats emotional abuse and imo much much much much worse.

bout time he actually contributed to your family dont you think? other than financially

Tortington · 21/03/2006 23:11

i atually think its pathetic. the mans pathetic. 11months old. i dont know how you can look him in the face.

Sparklemagic · 21/03/2006 23:15

agreed custardo. I wouldn't tolerate his attitude for one second.

Piffle · 21/03/2006 23:25

cotton wool - ear plugs - great idea

nulnulcat · 22/03/2006 00:11

sorry but what he is doing is emotional abuse and that is far worse than the odd smack! i had to grow up with a father like this until my mum left when i was 8 and my earliest memories of my dad are when i can have been no older than 2 cos of house we were in was my dad telling me to get out of his sight, i was a nuisance, making too much noise etc, remember him pushing him away when i asked for cuddles have a very strained relationship with him now over 30 years later and i can honestly say the experience has left me with problems dealing with relationships. your husband needs a kick up the backside and to sort himself out

Uwila · 22/03/2006 08:28

How very very mean. Your DH is clearly the one in the wrong. And he is the only one in the wrong.

foundintranslation · 22/03/2006 09:09

He might be exhausted, fair enough, but ffs, to get up the next morning and still be in a foul mood with her is bad enough, but to go to work, be out the whole day, and come back and still reject her... leaves me speechless. TBH it almost sounds 'calculated' iykwim. Sounds a bit like he expects everything to revolve round him, I'm afraid. We've only got one as yet and I'm sure the transition to 2 is stressful, but still... And as for saying he won't have both the kids - they're his kids, it's not like refusing a request for babysitting! Angry

foundintranslation · 22/03/2006 09:12

The luxury of being precious about his sleep, refusing to spend time with the kids when he doesn't want to etc. is not something you have. He seems to think he can opt in and out of proper parenting as the fancy takes him.

Marina · 22/03/2006 09:18

I agree with beety, compo and monkeytrousers SandS - get him to a GP now. He sounds exhausted or depressed, and probably both. He has a previous history of depressive illness.
Look at him honestly - is this the same man you married?
His behaviour at the moment sounds totally vile and I am so sorry to read about it all, but depression and fatigue can turn the nicest of persons into a disconnected, sometimes angry, stranger.
You have my total sympathies, and his behaviour has got to change, but I would definitely get him seen by a GP first to rule out some underlying medical cause for this nastiness. You can't deal with this on your own and you shouldn't have to. Get some help before you start hating him beyond the point of return, and very best of luck.

monkeytrousers · 24/03/2006 12:56

How are things SaS?

prettyfly1 · 24/03/2006 13:11

depression or not, illness or not, he is trying to manipulate you, and teaching his daughter that she needs to be perfect to be loved. not a good example. not a good father and certainly not a good man. sorry but my baby is the same age and i would be utterly horrified if ANYONE treated him like that, much less his dad.

meowmix · 24/03/2006 13:29

I'm horrified. My DH is a champion sulker these days but never with the Dwarf Destroyer (ds). If he is this disengaged with his kids then it sounds like he needs help with his stress and poss depression. As a bare minimum is there somewhere he could go for a few nights to get some uninterrupted kip? tough on you but it maybe that he just is affected by lack of sleep more than other people

Try and stay calm tho. If he's that tightly wound at the moment then going in too hard would be counterproductive. Could you speak to the GP about it yourself?

prettyfly1 · 24/03/2006 20:44

i wanted to repost somethign i hope ou dont mind,something that occured to me wwhen i was thinking about this earlier is it must be very difficult for you. this is your partner and someone you love - are you getting any supprt and are you ok. living with depression can be a nightmare so please try and make time for you too. being a buffer against your partners moods msut be extremly difficult. i really hope you and dd are ok and you all find a way through what sounds like a horrible situation,

monkeytrousers · 13/04/2006 19:52

SaS - any chance of an update? How aer things?

JVickers · 19/04/2006 14:35

wow, I know my dd has had some bad nights of late and I ended up sleeping her her room or she would be with us but when your tired yourself and trying to comfort a baby the last thing you need is tension and stress from your other half. But to ignore a baby! for godsake surely he doesn't think she is doing this on purpose!

Can he not empathise with her, she woke in the night for a reason and I am positive it wasn't to keep him awake!

chocklit · 19/04/2006 14:47

using the silent treatment on an 11 month old child is unforgivable. Emotional abuse, in my opinion and experience can be just as damaging to a child as physical abuse. Get him to get help and if he refuses, think you should consider leaving for your dd's sake. If he's like that to her now, just imagine what it'll be like when she's older...

JVickers · 19/04/2006 14:59

choclit couldn't agree with you more, you can just imagine how she must feel as she wont understand why he is being this way with her!

desperateSCOUSEstrife · 19/04/2006 15:01

taking his mood out on a defenceless 11mo is not on imo
agree re the emotional abuse

his stonks would be squashed if it was my family
sorry

MrsBigD · 19/04/2006 15:15

Silent treatment for a baby or toddler is soooo wrong!

SaS haven't had time to read the replies to your post but your dh sounds a bit like mine... when tired and stressed turns into a right ogre including the 'little sh*t' remark etc. ds is 19m and doesn't sleep well at all.

His defense... I'm tired and stressed... oh and I'm not is usually my response. Not very mature either Wink

I tried talking to dh and telling him that he can't display that kind of behaviour with the kids because when he's in a 'mood' their behaviour goes off the chart. They feel something's up and are extremely difficult to handle. So at one point I gave him the 'treatment' he normally installs on us... that hit home ... after a few nights of him stomping fumingly to go sleep on the sofa and me not caring anymore...

I do admit myself to occassionally growling 'because I said so' at my 4yo after the umteenth 'whyyyyyyy?' but that's slightly different I think.

tribpot · 19/04/2006 17:29

I quite agree with fit. Maintaining a sulk for that length of time is quite incredible - and with a baby! I would be absolutely furious if my dh behaved like that, much as he would be if I did. Awful. And horrible for you all. If this carries on you will end up being terrified of the baby crying in case it sets him off on one - think of what stressedmummy lives with - her h went mad because one of the kids threw up fgs Angry

NotAnOtter · 19/04/2006 17:30

is this for real?

expatinscotland · 19/04/2006 17:55

Is this a wind up?

kitegirl · 19/04/2006 18:27

I'm sorry but that's shocking behaviour and made my blood run cold. I hope for your and your children's sake his mood doesn't get worse. Sad for you.

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