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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is giving dd2 the silent treatment

75 replies

SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 18:29

She is 11 months old.

Most nights she wakes at about midnight and goes back to sleep when I turn on her mobile and pat her back. Then she wakes again at 4 or 5am and I bring her through to our bed and feed her.

Last night she woke at 1 am and wouldn't go back to sleep. I sat in her room patting her back and cuddling her, and she cried on and off. After about 45 minutes of this dh stormed in, called dd2 a "little shit" and said he was going to sleep on the sofa.

This morning she crawled over to greet him and he said "If you think you're getting smiles or cuddles from me, you're very much mistaken."

Then when he came home from work she got excited and waved and smiled at him, and he completely ignored her. :( He's being pretty curt with me too.

He also told me that he'd cancelled the birthday present he'd ordered for her birthday next month, but later said that he wasn't serious about that.

I'm so sad for dd2 - her only crime is being a baby. In dh's defence he's had a lot of stress/personal problems and isn't well, so needs his sleep. I'm still Sad and Angry at him, but he's making out that dd2 and I are in the wrong so it's hard to talk about it.

Not sure where to take it from here.

OP posts:
Sparklemagic · 21/03/2006 20:11

springandsummer, how are you feeling? All the posts on here must be heavy reading but these guys are RIGHT! Are you feeling up to dealing with your DH about it?

philippat · 21/03/2006 20:13

you says she's dd2 - what was he like with dd1? is this unusual?

jmum6 · 21/03/2006 20:14

I agree with everyone else. How awful for you, you must feel terrible for yourself and for your dd2. Is this common behaviour from him? I've heard of men getting some form of PN depression, sounds like he's not coping well at all.

Hope you have plenty of support around you.

Twinkie1 · 21/03/2006 20:18

How childish - doesn't he realise that she isnl;t doing it to piss him off it is natural for a baby to behave like she is.

Tell him he is behaving like a child - DP is not DDs natural father and I used to have to remind him not to behave like a child when she was being stroppy maybe your DH has just lost site of things but he needs to buck his ideas up if he doesn;t want to end up with a very screwed up child indeed.

WigWamBam · 21/03/2006 20:22

Even if he's depressed, that's no excuse for holding grudges against his baby and refusing cuddles with her the morning after she kept him awake at night - and still sulking with her in the evening. That's nothing to do with stress or depression; that's scoring points over a baby and is in my opinion pretty disturbing behaviour. Being depressed might account for his crabbiness at his sleep being disturbed, but it isn't, and shouldn't be used as, an excuse for his dreadful behaviour since.

Original poster
SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 20:23

Thanks for all the messages - I'm glad that everyone agrees what dh has done is unacceptable.

The good news is that he has started talking to dd2 again in a friendly way - though he hasn't given her a cuddle yet.

To the posters who suggested he is depressed, I think you are right. He has taken anti depressants before (years ago) which didn't really make much difference. When I suggest that he is depressed his response is along the lines of "no wonder, with everything that's happened in my life".

We also have dd1 who is nearly 3. Dh is usually loving with both of them but he has snapped at dd1 on a few occasions. A few days ago she picked up an important letter belonging to him and he yelled at her, then apologised to her a few minutes later. We're both opposed to smacking and he feels strongly about that, though it is worrying that he can lose his temper.

With dd1 he used to go into her in the night when she woke, but he doesn't go in to see dd2 in the night. I am a SAHM now (apart from a part time job which earns only about £75 per month). This has changed the dynamics of our relationship for the worse - he resents that I'm not contributing to the bills.

You are (all) right; I need to lay down the line that this is unacceptable. We'll have to see what happens tonight when dd2 wakes...

OP posts:
jmum6 · 21/03/2006 20:24

WWB your so right - it soooo doesn't excuse his behaviour

CHICagoMUM · 21/03/2006 20:26

It there any chance someone can take the DDs off your hands for a couple of hours this weekend so you and dh could perhaps sit down over a nice lunch or coffee and have a bit of a heart to heart to try and get to the bottom of things and iron out some problems.

Twinkie1 · 21/03/2006 20:32

S&S - sorry tell him to get a life - how are you supposed to contribute to the bills when you arenlt getting paid the £25k he should be paying you foer keeping his house and looking after his children - thats how much you are worth honey - he needs to see that - (DP pays me a wage not a very big one but gives me some of MY money!!)

Caligula · 21/03/2006 20:35

So many men suddenly turn into power-crazed loons when the women they live with are not earning. And they don't notice that someone is looking after their baby. Angry

alexsmum · 21/03/2006 20:36

haven't read any other posts but just wanted to say what a nobhead.
what the f* does he think babies do?
how can you live with someone like this? i would be seriously angry if i was you, and certainly not finding reasons to excuse him.

milward · 21/03/2006 20:39

Go out & leave dd2 with him - Let him look after her & have a lovely time.

Piffle · 21/03/2006 20:39

If he cannot handle dd waking just now, could he go into another room where he would not be disturbed for a night or two?
Hopefully he can talk to his dr on thursday about how he has been feeling.
It certainly is not normal behaviour from a loving dad.

Original poster
SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 21:36

Hi again, i just had a chance to read through all the posts again and it's certainly given me food for thought.

I think people are right that I need to express how angry I am, rather than trying to make things acceptable for dh or make excuses for him. Whenever dh and I argue I always try really hard to be reasonable, to be assertive and objective, while he goads me for a response.

It does make me very cross and sad that he doesn't seem to love dd2 unconditionally, as I do. He admits that it took him a while to bond with dd1 (who is nearly 3) and he is much closer to her now that they can have conversations.

He's never been alone with her for more than half an hour or so. When we just had dd1 he used to look after her on Sunday mornings while I went to the gym, but he refuses look after both the dds so I can go.

Unfortunately Piffle's suggestion of sleeping in another room wouldn't work because our house is very transparent for sound and if one of the girls cries it can be heard through the whole house.

OP posts:
Nightynight · 21/03/2006 21:36

Im with the others, that is completely unacceptable behaviour.

just want to say, springandsummer, if you have a baby and a 3 year old, and you're bringing in 75 pounds a month, you are doing really well on the financial front.

Original poster
SpringandSummer · 21/03/2006 21:37

Just to clarify, in the previous post when I say he's never been alone with "her" for more than half an hour, I meant dd2 not dd1.

OP posts:
CHICagoMUM · 21/03/2006 21:41

Some men do find it very difficult to relate to babies/ non talking little ones iyswim but once they develop some vocabulary can find an avenue for interaction. I do think you need to have some time to have a rational discussion with him rather than an "all guns blazing accusatory episode" as that would clearly antagonise him further

TinyGang · 21/03/2006 21:43

At 11 months??Shock Bang out of order.

Please don't let him react like this to her. My parents were big on silences when I was growing up if I'd done wrong. Perhaps not at 11 mths - my point is though it is VERY damaging. Things don't get sorted, they become buried and unsaid.

Mercy · 21/03/2006 21:46

Spring&Summer, I still think your dh needs to sleep in a different room/on the sofa for a few days. Not so much that he can have a few nights undisturbed sleep but as a message.

Your dh sounds a bit like mine can be at times so I know where you are coming from.

monkeytrousers · 21/03/2006 22:36

I don't know what to say SaS. What a terrible dilemma. You do trust him with the children though, don't you? Has he ever lashed out at you? I know that might sound a bit stark but, well, he's obviously having a difficult time relating to them as individuals in their own right - I've known a few people like that, who don't have the imagination to think of babies as human beings and it gives me the creeps to be quite honestly. Especially as he sounds so highly strung and stressed out. I also feel kind of sorry for him. He must be very stressed to do this and it's obvioulsy a cry of help whether he realises it or not. He needs help, and the sooner the better in my humble opinion.

Sparklemagic · 21/03/2006 22:36

Springandsummer, well done for deciding to do something about it and good luck x.

Just one thing - he REFUSES to look after both DD's so you can go out? WHAT???? How can he REFUSE to look after his own kids? His OWN kids?????????????????

Get justly angry with him. For the sake of your children - so that they can one day experience what it's like to have a close, genuinely bonded relationship with their dad.

If you put up with him being like this, you are doing him and your DD's (and you!) and people in general no favours; you can tell how badly he's coming across from all the posters here - people will roll their eyes after seeing your family and think "god, what a prize prick" about him. Sorry to be so blunt and I know I don't know him, but there you go! He must be better than this or you wouldn't have married him and had two children with him - so do HIM a favour and draw the lines for him to prevent people seeing him the way we do on here - cos one day your DD's will see him this way too unless he changes.

xx

monkeytrousers · 21/03/2006 22:38

Mercy, I think thats a good idea but I would couch it as so he can get some sleep - it can drive some people over the edge. He obviously is on a hair trigger and a confrontation might just set him off even more. Softly softly maybe?

monkeytrousers · 21/03/2006 22:42

Oh, I'm really not sure anger is the best response, here. You know your DH, SpringandSummer so it's your call. For what it's worth, I'd strategise to get him some time to recuperate, get some sleep, buy him earplugs. People are only open to suggestion when they're not feeling beleaguered, which, to take it out on a baby, is what your DH certainly is.

beetroot · 21/03/2006 22:44

sounds to me like he is exhausted.

PiccadillyCircus · 21/03/2006 22:45

Could he use earplugs and sleep somewhere else?

Have to admit I am Shock and Angry at his attitude towards your DD2.

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