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Relationships

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Original poster

Infrequent sex life with new DH

14 replies

Beaverfeaver · 26/09/2012 21:09

Been with DH 12 years, married for 3 months.

Sex has become very infrequent. Once a week at the most.

He's not happy in his job, but is fine otherwise.

We just never seem to go to bed together at the same time. Even at the weekend, if we stay in, I will go up to bed about 1pm and he will come up much later or fall asleep on the sofa.

I have mentioned this to him a few times and he usually just says that I go to bed too early and he's not tired yet.

I left it, but he has made no effort, so when going to bed the other night I asked him if he would come up with me. He said no, and so I explained to him how we don't really have sex much anymore and would have thought he would want to at some point.

He just makes out I'm being silly.

Don't know what to do. Don't want things to stay this way for the rest of marriage.
But he's not bothered.
We've been through dry spells before when something tragic has happened , but all I can see that might be having an affect us that he dislikes his job.

OP posts:

UnnamedFemaleProtagonist · 26/09/2012 21:11

Once a week is pretty frequent after 12 years isn't it?

Sorry to be flippant.

Original poster

Beaverfeaver · 26/09/2012 21:16

Well, I don't know.
I was just reading about the lady who has been married 18 years and does it at least once a day!

OP posts:

runamile · 26/09/2012 21:20

I would have thought once (or twice a week at most) after 12 years was pretty normal and many couples would be happy with that? That's not to say you should be of course. We are all different.

ecuse · 26/09/2012 21:30

Once a week is pretty spicy in this house - more like once in 10 days or a fortnight (living together 6yrs, not married, 17mo DD)

boodles · 26/09/2012 21:41

Well I don't know the person you are refering to on your post, however, what people say they do and what they actually do can often be two different things. People often over exaggerate, especially on the internet.

I have been married nearly 15 years and have a few children and, for us, I would go for one good quality sex session a week over average sex everyday.

If you are genuinely feeling that you want more sex, for yourself, not just because you read that someone on the internet said that they were having lots which made you question your sex life, then you need to discuss it with your OH. Is it really sex you are missing or closeness in your relationship. Some couples may have sex everyday but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are close.

joblot · 26/09/2012 21:45

Once a week is frequent, not infrequent.

Why on earth is that a problem? Never ever compare yourself to other/imaginary people

Quality not quantity in my book matters

bubalou · 26/09/2012 21:54

Next time you're in the mood - ask him to come to bed, if he says no, switch off the TV - make sure you're wearing something easy to get off already - nightie with dressing gown etc and straddle him.

'If you don't wanna come to bed then I'll just have to stay here'.

no bed needed.

adrastea · 27/09/2012 00:06

joblot You're contradicting yourself there by telling the OP not to compare herself to other people, but then telling her that in your opinion once a week is frequent. Clearly OP doesn't feel it's frequent enough for her relationship or she wouldn't be posting.

Smeghead · 27/09/2012 00:13

Getting married could have been the trigger.

"Shit, I am a husband now" could have killed his libido in that he possibly thinks of himself like he thinks of his dad, a proper adult. And as his parents obviously never had sex he is struggling to get used to the new him.

Rather than saying "we dont have enough sex" or trying to seduce him, which will only serve to make you feel worse if it doesnt work, talk to him and dont let it drop.

"I feel that our sex life has taken a dive since we got married, why do you think that is?"
"I dont know. I'm tired, thats probably why"
"So shall we have a few early nights and see if that helps?"
"I need to wind down so I dont want to go to bed early"
"well what about some weekend lie ins?" or whatever

and so on, until you get to the root of the problem.

joblot · 27/09/2012 07:10

Just to clarify: frequent means regular; posting on a forum means looking for others' opinions. if op didn't want to have a range of thoughts I'm sure she wouldn't have posted. Hth

Bluegrass · 27/09/2012 07:23

Perhaps he just has a lower sex drive than the OP, these things can change over time. If it was a guy on here posting about his wife I'm not sure the advice would include banging on at her about it and not letting the topic drop until she explains herself, or switching off the tv and straddling her when it would appear she isn't in the mood!

ToothbrushThief · 27/09/2012 07:36

I think as Bluetooth says the answers go like this:

What are you doing around the house? Is he tired? You should make an effort to do more so that he feels loved and then he is more likely to feel in the mood.... do you ever criticise his weight. Do you make him feel atractive. Are you always pestering him. Back off

Followed by a spattering of... a good sex life is secondary to a relationship, a good sex life is crucial to the relationship...

Really it is what matters to you and what it makes you feel. Maybe there is an underlying sense of insecurity linking sex to how he feels about you?

Leftwingharpie · 27/09/2012 07:40

Has it suddenly dropped off or has it been gradual. The former would worry me more. Gradually dropping off is normal - and from reading MN I'd say it's normal for the male partner to have the lower sex drive, even though it's "supposed to be" the other way round.

Would you like him to go to bed at the same time as you, regardless of the sex issue? Presumably there's a typo in your OP and you don't actually go up at 1pm?! Maybe that's the thing to talk about? DH and I don't have sex that frequently but we nearly always turn in together.

fluffyraggies · 27/09/2012 08:19

Good advice already given re: communicating.

Yes, i would say that one of the few dead sure things in life is - there's no such thing as 'normal'. This applies to most things actually. Sex, looks, relationships, opinions etc ... Average doesn't really exist. It's something i've tried to drum into my kids, as so much anxiety is wasted on 'am i normal like everyone else'.

Anyway - the thing is OP has said

Don't want things to stay this way for the rest of marriage. But he's not bothered.

which is a different kettle of fish. OP want's things to change, her DH doesn't. I agree that if it's a sudden change then it may be due to the fact that you are now married, but it seems unlikely to me.

If it is gradual then a compromise needs to be made. I agree that there seems to be a lack of closeness between you from what you've said OP.

It's very sad that he has said you're being silly. Maybe he doesn't realise how badly you're feeling? I've always been a bit rubbish about showing my DH how crap i am feeling about different things at different times. I think i'm hinting and giving gentle signals and suggestions about things. I get no feedback and it builds to a head with me thinking he's not bothered and then when i pop (anger or upset) he's mortified and says 'why didn't you tell me?'

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