Husband slept with escort....help!

[sambageeni]

Back in June I found a text message from what turned out to be an escort arranging an 'appointment' (second one apparently). I did some digging and found out that he had been going on the adultwork website alot (every night) and having sex calls and sex emails etc with various women. I confronted him and he broke down, started vomiting, shaking, panic attacks etc etc. I didn't kick him out, maybe I should have done. I am a Christian and have very close Christian friends who have been helping us through this. He is NOT a Christian however. Our sex life is rubbish and has been since the birth of our first DD, we have 3 in total, 6,4 and 2. If it wasn't for the girls I would not be with him. I'm not in love with him any more. But I can't bare to separate him from the girls; they idolise him. I also feel sorry for him - odd I know.

It all feels unreal. He spent £100 for an hour with an escort; this I find hard as I was have to feed the girls beans on toast as money was so tight. He had a separate account which I didn't have access to.

I am unhappy and know deep down what I need to do but I just don't want to put my DDs through the upset; they are more important than me.

I really want to talk to my mum about this but she has terminal bone cancer and I don't want to be put her through the stress. I am so confused. HELP!

When did you find out that he had had sex with her? Was it in June or has it come out since?

I found out in June. He had sex with her in May and had another appointment with her for the day after I found out and confronted him. Needless to say he didn't go!

He admitted he had made quite a few appointment months previous but when he got there he said he couldn't go through with it. Not sure I believe him.

The worst bit is that I read the review he gave the escort on the website so read all the sordid details. This is what keeps going round and round in my head, it really was quite disgusting.

Your DDs will be much happier in the long run with 2 happy parents. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this but its time for you to move on and start living your life.
Staying together for the DCs never works out and they'll feel the tension and resentment between you.
You owe it to yourself and them to be happy.

Exactly as throughgrittedteeth says.

If this was your DD, what would your advice to her be? You need to teach your DDs how to live their lives and what to expect from any future partners, and the best way to do that is by example.

Your DDs are young enough now that any upset will seem huge, but it will be relatively short. They will learn to live with any new situation surprisingly quickly, children are hugely adaptable. As they get older you will make more and more excuses. Oh, they have an established group of friends, i can't possibly change schools, they're going to high school soon, oh, it's GCSE time, A levels now. When will be a good time? The best time is NOW.

Ew gross. Sorry you have to deal with this.

But - you said you were unhappy anyway and not in love with him. Are you planning on being unhappy for the next 15 years? That's a waste. Getting a divorce does not mean separating him from the children. You could still live near each other and do 50/50 custody or at least make sure he sees them a lot. It is very possible.

And agree sooner is better than later. Out of me and all my stepsiblings, the one affected the most by their parents' divorce was the eldest, the one that was affected least is the youngest (there are 5 of us altogether)

Sweetheart

Do you think you could ever respect him? I know you are a Christian and the marriage vows mean the world to you, but being married to a man you don't respect is a dead end. I found out my h was using prostitutes over a year ago. Technically we are still married, but we live separate lives in the same home now and I am just biding my time and will leave when it's the best time for my family and me.

I had previously found out about his affair(s) with colleagues. Like your H, he did the crying, begging, shaking with remorse thing then. Because I too believed in my wedding vows, came under pressure from my very Catholic mother and because I wanted the best for my kids, I gave him a second chance. But it was always hard and difficult and I think I probably cried most days for 6 years.

Then I found out about the prostitutes. And when I did, the marriage was dead there and then - in some ways it was a relief. What about you? How do you feel about it? Do you think there is any possibility of happiness for you if you let him stay?

If he was leaving reviews for prostitutes, I can guarantee he's not a novice at this game.

Personally, I would only consider what is right for you now.

And a man who doesn't respect you or the vows he took.

Kickboxer- the first paragraph of your post is the best advice I have ever read in all my years on mumsnet!

It should be posted more often so everyone can see it.

So sorry you are going through this op.

What a creep! You deserve better.

And, sorry, but leaving a review about sex with someone is just so gross. I couldn't respect someone who did that. And, I know it's shallow, but the money thing would really really piss me off as well. If he had cash to burn it would still be bad, but spending money on prostitutes when your kids haven't got the best you can give them is just so crap.

You can't trust or respect him, you'll end up hating him. If you end it now you stand a chance of having an amicable relationship for the kids.

I don't want to worry you but you should get checked for STIs too (sorry to make you feel even shitter about this).

This is the third time I have tried to compose a message to you because I cannot find any words to say. I am so sorry you have been so poorly treated. You sound like you have'nt confided in many girlfriends? Have you got a BF you could talk to? The key sentence in your blog is 'I'm not in love with him anymore'. Life is so short and do you really think when the children are all grown up you will be a happy staying in a loveless relationship? He has not only broken all your trust, but he has put this 'need' before his children financially. Your girls deserve to look at their mum and see happiness in your eyes, not pain, mistrust & paranoia.
Obviously I am not in your shoes and I hope you find the strength in your heart to find the right choice, whether that is to stay or leave. I will be thinking of you tonight

This man hates women.

You have 3 daughters.

He was spending money to buy women's bodies for sex (and yes, he did "go through" with those previous appointments) when there wasn't enough money for food.

He stole money from you and your girls so he could buy other women to sexually abuse them.

He is an utter scumbag.

Your girls deserve better than this utter fuckhead as a father.

They are too young to know better now.

But one day they will.

The fact that he wrote a review speaks volumes. This wasnt a one off (even if it was the first time with her), a man who has no experience of sex workers like this wouldnt immediately go one a website to review her.

He has treated you terribly and, very understandably, killed your love for him. When you married him you entered into a contract, you both made those promises, but he broke the contract when he cheated on you, treated you so badly and lied to you. "For richer or for poorer" doesnt mean that he gets the richer to do what he likes with and you and the kids get the poorer, both financially AND emotionally.

I have to agree that your marriage is over. You dont love him, you cant bear to touch him and his only regret is that you found out, not that he did it. His reaction to you finding out was designed to make you feel bad and feel sorry for him.

Your DD will be far better off knowing that mummy has morals and stands by them. That she will protect them, love them and teach by example. What she WONT do is be a doormat for men to walk all over and believe me, that is a very powerful lesson for them. Kids are stupid, how many posts do you see on here from women who's mothers stayed with cheating or abusive men and they say "I wish she had left him when we were young but she didnt want us to grow up in a broken home"? Those MNers are now dealing with a life times trauma from abuse or cheating that their mothers thought they knew nothing about.

I suspect that you are posting here because you want to leave and are wondering if thats ok, would that be true?

This man is poison to you, your daughters, and all women

You know that right ?

These "friends" helping you stay with a man that hates women, are no friends of yours and certainly no friends of your daughters

you and he may think he is a good father but I don't agree

have you asked him how he would feel if some man "reviewed" his daughters sexual performance on some skanky website for others to wank over ?
?

this is what you are dealing with, and he is fucking disgusting

I don't know how you can live with him, tbh

what do you want from us ?

just one person to say this happened to them, he turned into a different man and all is well ?

think again

you should leave him, no question about it

have you had a STD check, btw ?

What is it with these men, that once their wives become mothers they go all madonna/whore wierd on them? All this shame...

When you say the review was disgusting, was it not a straight act, was it the way he described her like a thing, how exciting it was for him, what?

Sorry, kids ARE NOT stupid

have you asked him how he would feel if some man "reviewed" his daughters sexual performance on some skanky website for others to wank over?

Oh that would be a wonderful question to ask him, and his reaction would be very telling I think.

I can predict his answer

"my daughter wouldn't do something like that"

Because he believes some women are "good" and some women are "worthless"

Nasty

Why do you want to stay with someone who hates women, spends family money on buying sex and has checked out of his marriage and family life?

You have DAUGHTERS to think of - it must turn your stomach to realise their father has such warped and sick views of women and sex.

A good father would not disrespect the mother of his children or his daughters in this way or put their health at risk

Thats exactly what I thought AF. That his daughters are nice and good and precious and these women are just things, things to be used and discarded.

Your marriage is already over.

The vows he made have been broken.

So what is left?

Trust? - clearly not
Respect? - no way
Love? - Nope
Commitment? - no
Fidelity? - no
Intimacy? - no
Comfort? - no
What?

It's all gone, if it was even there to start with, so there really is no marriage to 'save' is there OP.

Please get yourself to a clinic for an sti check.

Thinking of it from your mum's point of view, here. She must have noticed you're unhappy. I'm sure she's noticed your DH isn't what he could be.

In her situation, I would want to know that when I died my children and grandchildren would be safe and well and happy. That would be practically all that I would want. She would want you to talk to her. She would want to be able to help you. Yes, it would be very distressing for her to know the details, but I'm sure she suspects now - that would be even worse, to wonder what was going on to make your child unhappy.

If she's a mum you can talk to and if you're close, talk to her now. Tell her what's happened. Cry with her and let her help you.

You HAVE to leave this man. He's disgusting - not because of the sex (though that's bad enough) but leaving his children hungry so that he could have sex with prostitutes - that is absolutely unforgiveable.