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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slept with escort....help!

68 replies

sambageeni · 26/09/2012 20:01

Back in June I found a text message from what turned out to be an escort arranging an 'appointment' (second one apparently). I did some digging and found out that he had been going on the adultwork website alot (every night) and having sex calls and sex emails etc with various women. I confronted him and he broke down, started vomiting, shaking, panic attacks etc etc. I didn't kick him out, maybe I should have done. I am a Christian and have very close Christian friends who have been helping us through this. He is NOT a Christian however. Our sex life is rubbish and has been since the birth of our first DD, we have 3 in total, 6,4 and 2. If it wasn't for the girls I would not be with him. I'm not in love with him any more. But I can't bare to separate him from the girls; they idolise him. I also feel sorry for him - odd I know.

It all feels unreal. He spent £100 for an hour with an escort; this I find hard as I was have to feed the girls beans on toast as money was so tight. He had a separate account which I didn't have access to.

I am unhappy and know deep down what I need to do but I just don't want to put my DDs through the upset; they are more important than me.

I really want to talk to my mum about this but she has terminal bone cancer and I don't want to be put her through the stress. I am so confused. HELP!

OP posts:
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 26/09/2012 21:16

He doesn't respect you, he didn't respect your marriage vows, he doesn't respect women. His tears weren't for you, they were for himself. Your daughters deserve so much more. At a time when you could really use a rock to keep you steady when your mother's so ill, you have this rubbish to put up with. I am so sorry.

mcmooncup · 26/09/2012 21:31

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone.

He deserves nothing from you and probably can't believe his luck that he is still there. Dirty rotten pig of a man - yes, I'm sure he has some public persona that is acceptable, even possibly nice. BUT the review he made when he used your girl's food money to buy sex is actually the REAL him. That is the fundamental belief system he works under, the rest is just hot air, and probably why you don't love him.

Thank goodness you found out now. Look at this as an opportunity to live a life to your closely held values, courage is 'all' it takes.

SchrodingersMew · 26/09/2012 21:32

I find it disturbing he was spending that much money on sex when his daughters were having to eat beans on toast. :(

Shows where his priorities lie tbh and I wouldn't want a man like that near my child.

SchrodingersMew · 26/09/2012 21:34

Btw, get an STD check, I have had friends who have escorted and from what they have told me £100 would be really cheap.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 26/09/2012 21:36

came under pressure from my very Catholic mother and because I wanted the best for

Triffiddealer i know how you feel. My mum is the same. Its shit when a mother cant support in her own daughter in her choices.
And religions are very mysogynistic. OP they wont have your best interests at heart because they have their own agenda.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 26/09/2012 21:43

And paying for sex while your girls eat beans on toast. He is financially abusing you all so that he can pay for sex.
I hope your Christian friends can see this instead of being " oh we must all make allowances for the one with the willy!"
I had a Catholic upbringing and looking back it was/is an emotionally abusive religion towards females.

mummytime · 26/09/2012 21:49

Okay from a Christian perspective, he has broken your marriage. The bible (and St Paul in particular) is very clear. If you have sex with a prostitute you are effectively "marrying" her.
I am actually very surprised that if any group of Christians would try to say anything different. Even most fundamentalist Christians I know would see his adultery as grounds for divorce.

If you stay with him he has no motivation to change. His actions are saying: marriage is meaningless, vows are meaningless, his daughter's and wife are worthless than his own physical needs. He has no idea of a true father's selfless, sacrificial love for his children. What kind of image of a father is he giving your daughters? What kind of an image of God?

fidelma · 26/09/2012 21:54

Anyone who does what he did,needs help.Yes he was very very wrong but he has a problem.You need to talk together and decide what you both really want.If you decide to stay together you need marriage help,he needs addicion help.if not you need to workout how it is going to work.
If you both want it to work (and I don't know if you do) you can become stronger as a couple but you need help,support and time.
I wish you well with whatever decission you make. x

AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 22:00

He doesn't need help.

He needs a kick in the hole.

Catholics don't consider anything as reasonable grounds for divorce.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2012 22:00

help ?

yeah, he needs help, alright

because punters need "help" to understand how fucking awful it is to use a woman's body for sex, don't they ?

but not from his wife

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 26/09/2012 22:02

Catholics don't consider anything as reasonable grounds for divorce.

Unless its the woman whos "in the wrong"

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 26/09/2012 22:04

fidelma would you have written the same post if the roles were reversed and it was the OP who was using male escorts (not saying that you would or are OP so please dont take this the wrong way) im just curious fidelma.

MadAboutHotChoc · 26/09/2012 22:07

fidelma - Hmm are you serious? did you read the whole OP?

This poor wife and her DDs are the ones who need help.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow · 26/09/2012 22:09

I don't see that banging prostitutes makes you an addict... just massively arrogant/pathetic

Lifeissweet · 26/09/2012 22:28

Ignore Fidelma. I am usually the first person to try to understand and forgive people's behaviour if it comes from a place of pain and dysfunction, but I just find what your H has done absolutely sickening and I would never want to find a justification for using another human being in this despicable way - particularly writing a review. Of everything, that is the part I would find the hardest to get my head around. He actually reviewed her like a product. Like an object. That woman was someone's daughter.

You seem to think that if you made the choice to separate now, that it would be you ending the marriage and you who is making the decision to give your daughters a broken home. It isn't. Your H has broken your home and your marriage. All you are doing now is living as a broken family under one roof. I hate to say it, but I was one of those women mentioned previously who was brought up in a glued together broken home. We lived together, but it was cracked and dented and poisonous. It would have been better if it had been melted down and built into two, separate but complete homes.

I have also 'broken' my own family and I am confident (and not at all in denial) in saying that we are a happy bunch of people. My DS has two happy homes. Both me and ex-h have healthy, happy relationships and DS sees how families should function. He didn't get that when he was younger. He had a very unhappy Mummy and Daddy. I swear that, despite the short-lived upheaval, he is far better off.

I would echo the previous posters. Your daughters need you to show them that this behaviour is unacceptable. They may not know now what their father has done, but they will find out. He will do this again - and as they get older the chances of them finding out will grow and you will be left trying to explain to them why you have allowed yourself to be disrespected in this way. That would be a hard conversation.

luluclaire · 26/09/2012 22:42

I know this one - Get OUT NOW - He will NEVER NEVER change.

I did not get out. 6 years ago, I found out about a 4 year prostitute habit.
I forgave him........what a stupid thing to do.

No more prostitutes now. Just Porn.No intimacy.No truth. No respect.

He fears and hates women. He fears alot of things.

I am leaving at the weekend. My boys are 23 and 21. They despise him.
They possibly despise me for staying.

I plead with you- just get the hell out and get your girls away from a sorry excuse of a man. Good Luck.

fidelma · 27/09/2012 08:10

Sometimes marriages are not repairable but sometimes they are. I was trying to give the OP another prospective incase she needs it. SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN CHANGE!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2012 08:45

People only if they want to and I see no evidence of the OPs husband wanting to change. He is both too selfish and entitled to do that.

Also the OPs marriage is to all intents and purposes dead. OP herself has stated that if it was not for the children she would not be with him. Staying for the sake of the children is never a good idea as the children won't thank their mother for staying with him. They will perhaps wonder too why she chose to put him before them and that damages their own relationship with their mother (they could see her as spineless and easily cowed).

arthriticfingers · 27/09/2012 08:57

Oh - no-one is stopping this revolting man from changing. Just as long as he does it a very long way away from 3 young girls.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2012 09:09

Is it me or are we getting quite a few threads mentioning the same escort service? As for the problem itself, seems like a no-brainer to me.... Hmm

MadAboutHotChoc · 27/09/2012 09:27

CES - I have noticed this too, possibly too much of a coincidence Hmm

Malificence · 27/09/2012 11:26

I've thought that for weeks

arthriticfingers · 27/09/2012 11:45

weird Confused
Someone's creepy idea of fun?

AnyFucker · 27/09/2012 12:47

Not fun .... Maybe to increase traffic to the site ?

PeppermintPasty · 27/09/2012 12:51

I thought (I am an innocent Hmm )that it came from that one thread where suddenly everyone seemed to be checking their DP's computer. I did think that was a bit odd, but....

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