I caused his breakdown???

[onanotherday]

Long story, you may have read it! By Dh left in the summer and quickly jumped into another relationship, now finished. Im trying really hard to get him to drop the hostility and work together in front of the kids at least. Tonight he stood in front of our son and said there is no way he wil do christams with us, etc Im trying to get him to see that these conversations need negotiation between us, he then says i was the cause of his break down. can another persion cause someone elses breakdown? I accept that things have been difficult, but this year alone we have gone through his self harming, sectioning, and general mental health problems the kids and i haave supported and tried to help. But I dont knoew where to go from here. He says all work and boss no its me that is the problem! even though he is the one who;s been off work etc. But I dont want to stop access arrangements because of the kids who love him dearly, but unless he can start being kind and reasonable I dont know what to do, sorry for the ramble!

Trying to get anything across to an unreasonable and irrational person is the equivalent of flogging the proverbial dead horse and you're best advised to save your breath.

Your current access arrangements have to be changed because, despite your fond imaginings to the contrary, it is not doing your dc any good at all to witness their df behaving in a less than cordial manner towards their dm.

As your dh has mental health issues which are not, and were not, caused by you or anything you have done/said, or by any other person, any contact he has with the dc should take place in a neutral and supervised environment such as an accredited contact centre.

I think I feel as guilty for my part in all this too, we have been together for 17 years and this last one a total nightmare. I thought by loving and caring he could see that we wanted him, as leasst the 'old him'.But he just racked up the anti and I responded. the worst moment was when he told me one night about the OW, then in the morning by 9am had drunk a bottle of vodka (he had been drinking heavily for a while) and I flipped, he stood in front of me and said, hit me, hit me...I did and now he has used this to tell evryone he knows that Im an abuser. he ignores all the self harm and drinking we have put up with, I will go to my grave with guilt for my behaviour, but at that moment I saw red.

Are you actually together again?

If not, why would you want your children to have to keep witnessing this shit? Why do you want to spend Christmas with someone (MH issues or not) blames their mother for him not being able to stay faithful to her? Because the MH issues are a convenient smokescreen to mask diddum's realisation that he has fucked up badly and lost everything he once had.

You can't save him and it sounds a totally destructive (on both sides) situation for your children to be living in.

" I thought by loving and caring he could see that we wanted him, as leasst the 'old him'"

If loving and caring was an effective cure for severe psychiatric disorders the medical profession would be left twiddling their thumbs. Faced with sustained irrational behaviour, a violent aggressive drunk and the revelation of an affair I think even the most level-headed person might go on the offensive. Making a mistake is no cause for guilt. Repeating the error, however, would be. Keep him away from your family best you can.

Oh yeah that old chestnut. My ex said the same thing. Apparently he had nearly had a breakdown "trying to love me" - and clearly failing as he left me a few weeks before the wedding. And that was my fault for being "not the right body shape I could live with faithfully for the rest of my life" (I was a size ten), "not having enough female friends" and "loving me too much". Thus breakdown = all because of me.