furious with in-laws after fall out with husband

[hollyberry41]

Hi everyone

This is my first ever post after much deliberating I decided to try and get advice on whether or not I am over reacting. I'll make it as short as I can but will be so grateful to anyone who can get to the end and give their view!

There has been a history of the in-laws over stepping the mark so this isn't totally isolated. I've been married to years and we have a 14 month old girl. I recently had suspicions that husband may have an alcohol problem especially during stressful times. This is a stressful time as we have a house move coming up.

The alcohol problem with husband is not actually the main issue here though it may be for another time - he has agreed today to get help before it turns into something more serious.

On Saturday lunch time I got annoyed that he had tried to hide the fact he had just stopped at the pub on the way home from getting his hair cut as we talked about this the week before. He got sully and defensive so I went out for a bit. Instead of trying to help things when I got back he had clearly drunk a lot more. At tea time I asked him to leave for the first time ever because he was being obnoxious, and I would have ended up shouting at him. Not what I wanted to happen with baby around.

He eventually ended up at his parents - or I should say, in a coma on the porch at half ten when his father found him. Fil said they would bring him back in the morning. I then mentioned to fil what had happened and that I was concerned he had a drink problem and would possibly need help for it. Fil just said that it wouldn't surprise him....

Well I got a phone call the following morning at half nine and from speaking to hubby could tell straight away he was still going to be argumentative and clearly the alcohol had not left his system he had had so much. It happened once before so I knew from talking to him. In-laws are quite pretentious sorts of people. They made it quite clear on the phone they wanted to bring him home straight away. I explained I had spoken to hubby and he was not yet in fit state to have the serious talk we needed to have and again I didn't want arguing going on around the baby. They suggested lunch time so I said I would phone at eleven to see how he was then.

Did so and spoke to hubby, decided better to wait til a bit later. I told him I didn't want him coming home just now as we were not ready to talk and I got the impression he would be cross. Obviously he didn't have to stay at his parents house it wasn't really up to me where he went my position was I was unhappy to have him home at that time.

Next thing fil phones to tell me I need to sort things out with hubby and that it is his home too. I explained again how I felt and he completely ignored me saying they were bringing him back and I could take it from there. They were clearly just annoyed because they had better things to do. I did say that hubby knows I don't want him home yet and that if they had stuff to do couldn't they just go out etc... Or hubby could go elsewhere if it was a problem. Fil stuck to guns said they were bringing him back. I felt so cross so had no other option but to go out for a few hours just as I was about to give baby lunch and was stressed out enough.

It turned out that hubby had told his parents he wasn't going home yet and that I'd asked him not to. Fil phoned me and despite my protests, got off the phone and said 'let's get you home' to my husband who then had the impression that his dad had talked me into having him home when I hadn't.

I just feel so cross that it was not father in-laws decision to make! Am I just nuts or is this not right? I can elaborate if needed but just feel totally furious like I wasn't allowed to judge what was best for myself and baby bod I am a 32 year old woman.

They have a habit of treating hubby like a child but I am not used to this my own parents would never interfere like that...

Sorry this is so long believe it or not it is heavily edited! X

Diddl - because he was told that the op didn't want the dh home while he posed a risk (angry aggressive drunk) to their child. The FIL then deliberately lied to the dh about the op thinking it was fine now and then drove him home. The op did not send her dh to his parents he walked out and passed out on their doorstep, she did not ask them to look after him or drive him home she simply said she did not want him home while his drunkenness would pose a risk to their daughter and had the dh known she wasn't ok with him coming back, he would have respected that but the FIL lied.

And squeakytoy - you don't think lying about your drinking and getting so wasted you are aggressive and then storm off and pass out and your aggressiveness poses a risk to your child and your relationship is problem drinking? Using alcohol to medicate stress is also problem drinking.

Yes, but I get they didn´t want a drunk at their house anymore than OP did.

FIL shouldn´t have lied-I absolutely agree with that.

Perhaps they should have just put him in their garden or turned him into the street?

Difficult situation, totally caused by twatty husband.

How would arguing around the baby happen if he was just left to sleep it off?

Was the child in danger or OP-like her ILs-just couldn´t be arsed with him-didn´t want him in the house- his- house.

Diddl - the op said that he is aggressive and argumentative when she spoke to him he was in that mood and that is why she didn't want him home.

And yes a child is at risk from that.

The op didn't expect or tell FIL that he had to look after dh. He is an adult, FIL could have turfed him out.

"FIL could have turfed him out."

Which he did.

Equally, OP could hve not let him in/turfed him out.

"Next thing fil phones to tell me I need to sort things out with hubby and that it is his home too."-so it was obvious that FIL was intending to bring husband home.

In which case OP should have said no as he is aggressive, or called the police.

Except that's not what he did, he told him he was allowed back (lie) and then drove him home. The op calling the police would have been deeply unfair. So she and dd left.

"Even if he was dropped in our street he would have gone for a walk or something."

So why not tell him to go for a walk when he got home?

But the husband doesn´t need his wife´s permission to go into his own home.

Plus it reads to me that it is OPs impression that her husband would only be cross if she spoke to him about it before he wanted to.

Why on earth could the ILs not leave him in their house if they had to go out? Are they worried he will touch their ornaments or eat all the biscuits?

If it were my son I'd be extremely cross with him and would have waited till he was sober and torn him off a strip and then sent him home to his wife with instructions for her to do likewise.

Obviously it's not an ideal situation, and yes the OP's home is also the drunken husband's home, but come on....the OP wanted to get some distance and perspective and the ILs totally undermined that.

And it's laughable really that so many are defending the dh's right to the house when every other post for a troubled wife is "send him away...pack his bags...let him sleep in the car!" There's really no pleasing some people.

Diddl - presumably because the FIL had already told him he could go home and given the op's reason for not wanting him home was to avoid an angry irrational drunk man arguing in their house in front of their daughter, she presumably didn't want to have that argument on the doorstep which would rather defeat the point, so she just went out with dd.

I worry that you are all babying him, arguing over where he should stay and who is responsible for him.

If yo kick him out, don't worry about where he goes, and don't discuss him with the PIL. If he tries to come back and you don't want him, lock the door.

This isnt your fil fault, its your dhs. Maybe they had better things to do than look after their pickled son. You should not have let him in. Told him to go to a friends until you were ready to speak to him.

It this was a DV situation, would you all be saying he is entitled to go to his own house?

Pil did Not want the hassle, fair enough, but to be So underhand is horrible.

You can't reason with a drunk, you might as well be talking to a brick. It he is still drunk then he will still be bolshy. Tell your oh (When he's sober) that he needs to stop running to his parents.

"I explained I had spoken to hubby and he was not yet in fit state to have the serious talk we needed to have "

But why did he have to stay somewhere else until he was "in a fit state"?

OP-is he violent when drunk?

Hmmm... Yes I can see that not everyone agrees on whether I did the right thing by asking husband not to come back to the house but I guess my real point was that it was between us anyway and not for someone else to judge.

hopefully it doesn't happen again but husband would definitely not go to his parents if it did.

I was pretty mortified he had gone there and hadn't expected fil phoning me back to give his opinion or question at all whether it was fair to keep him out for a while longer. Even if it were the case that I was wrong it wasn't their call to make if you see what I mean? I understand the situation they were put in, but the last thing I wanted was to have them mediate or call me to do so. If husband had chosen to ignore me that would have been up to him of course.

It caused a bit of confusion too as husband arrived home twenty minutes later to find we weren't there - I suppose fil didn't think I would leave, but I was determined to have the space we needed and that was the only way to get it by that stage - husband phoned and I told him I thought it was awful he'd just turn up like that after agreeing otherwise etc... To which he sounded confused and said 'but dad said he spoke to you' etc... Which is what prompted me to start feeling angry with the pil as well.

Fil did state quite openly to husband that he deliberately forced the issue because they felt the sooner we started talking about things the quicker they would be resolved. I just felt it was quite high handed :(

I do realise now that my thread title sounds a bit contradictory. I might gave worded it better - will have to blame lack of sleep my head has just been spinning with all this stuff and thought it might help to at least clear up one aspect of it all!

"it wasn't their call to make if you see what I mean?"

Well at the most basic level of getting him out of their house & back to his-why not?

Whether or not he´s in a fit state for you to talk to-why is that their concern either?

If he would put you/your child in danger-obviously their concern.

It´s all your husband´s fault.

He got drunk & involved his parents by going there.

They were good enough to put him up for the night-& return him-just not when you wanted!

Diddl no not violent but as someone else said its more the difficulties of reasoning and the horrible attitude. It might seem I was being over cautious in that but I had to go with what I thought would be the least inflammatory and trying to have that talk before his head was clear and he was capable of realising the impact he was having would have been pointless. It did avoid drama to have the talk at a later stage, but at the time, it would not have been good for anyone. I just didn't want to risk a whole fiasco developing with baby about. it was an important chat that needed to be taken seriously for everyones sake and trying to do it while husband was still in the mood he was wouldn't have been productive and might have dragged things out or made them worse.

I just thought I was taking responsibility for the sort of atmosphere my daughter has around her both in asking him to leave and asking him not to come back for a bit.

It was high handed of your FIL, but you're not married to him. His first responsibility may well be, to his mind, his son, and he may feel that he acted in his child's best interests. You can't do anything about your PIL's, as many threads here attest.

I admire you making a stand that DH couldn't come home until sober. But PIL can't be excepted to Police this, DH needs to know to check with you directly in future.

You haven't detailed the drinking at all; if I may say so you seem a bit defensive about this (the issue is in hand etc...). I suspect your brain is focusing on the much smaller PiL issue as a defence mechanism against the bigger issue of alcohol dependency. Do you have some family or trusted friends you can talk to about DH? You need someone reminding you to look after yourself and the baby.

"and trying to have that talk before his head was clear and he was capable of realising the impact he was having would have been pointless."

But that´s what I don´t understand.

Why couldn´t he come home & you have the talk when he was capable?

Why did he need to stay away until he was capable of having the talk?

Diddl I wouldn't have said him being in a fit state or otherwise would have been there concern. I didn't want it to be their concern, but I was phoned because they had made it their concern to find out about it.

Well it sounds to me that they phoned because your husband said "holly won´t let me go home"

So they wanted to know what was going on.

HE made it their concern.

as did you by saying he couldn´t come home until he was in an acceptable state.

Holly

Yes, your FIL was tactless and high-handed. It would have been nice if could have been more supportive, but he wasn't. I understand how this has upset you, but agree with everyone else that focussing on this, is probably easier for you than dealing with DH's problem. You don't have perfect ILs (join the club).

Secret drinking and aggressive behaviour when drunk are huge red flags - the sooner he gets help and recognises the problem with his behaviour, the more chance he has of changing it. Good luck

Hi I'm not defending my husbands actions in any way - I am mad at him and he didn't get off lightly. The issue of his drinking - we're exploring how best to deal with that as I understand it can be a destroyer if ignored. My family and one in particular who has had experience of this are helping and they've all been very caring in offering whatever help I need, but they also think a lot of husband and care about him too they are surprised about the problem but have told him it is better not to feel too proud to get help and no one thinks any the worse of him for needing it.

I wouldn't question the pil for not wanting him there no watter how I felt about it as I have to respect the decisions they make. I didn't feel like I got the same respect I suppose.