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Original poster

furious with in-laws after fall out with husband

113 replies

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 19:04

Hi everyone

This is my first ever post after much deliberating I decided to try and get advice on whether or not I am over reacting. I'll make it as short as I can but will be so grateful to anyone who can get to the end and give their view!

There has been a history of the in-laws over stepping the mark so this isn't totally isolated. I've been married to years and we have a 14 month old girl. I recently had suspicions that husband may have an alcohol problem especially during stressful times. This is a stressful time as we have a house move coming up.

The alcohol problem with husband is not actually the main issue here though it may be for another time - he has agreed today to get help before it turns into something more serious.

On Saturday lunch time I got annoyed that he had tried to hide the fact he had just stopped at the pub on the way home from getting his hair cut as we talked about this the week before. He got sully and defensive so I went out for a bit. Instead of trying to help things when I got back he had clearly drunk a lot more. At tea time I asked him to leave for the first time ever because he was being obnoxious, and I would have ended up shouting at him. Not what I wanted to happen with baby around.

He eventually ended up at his parents - or I should say, in a coma on the porch at half ten when his father found him. Fil said they would bring him back in the morning. I then mentioned to fil what had happened and that I was concerned he had a drink problem and would possibly need help for it. Fil just said that it wouldn't surprise him....

Well I got a phone call the following morning at half nine and from speaking to hubby could tell straight away he was still going to be argumentative and clearly the alcohol had not left his system he had had so much. It happened once before so I knew from talking to him. In-laws are quite pretentious sorts of people. They made it quite clear on the phone they wanted to bring him home straight away. I explained I had spoken to hubby and he was not yet in fit state to have the serious talk we needed to have and again I didn't want arguing going on around the baby. They suggested lunch time so I said I would phone at eleven to see how he was then.

Did so and spoke to hubby, decided better to wait til a bit later. I told him I didn't want him coming home just now as we were not ready to talk and I got the impression he would be cross. Obviously he didn't have to stay at his parents house it wasn't really up to me where he went my position was I was unhappy to have him home at that time.

Next thing fil phones to tell me I need to sort things out with hubby and that it is his home too. I explained again how I felt and he completely ignored me saying they were bringing him back and I could take it from there. They were clearly just annoyed because they had better things to do. I did say that hubby knows I don't want him home yet and that if they had stuff to do couldn't they just go out etc... Or hubby could go elsewhere if it was a problem. Fil stuck to guns said they were bringing him back. I felt so cross so had no other option but to go out for a few hours just as I was about to give baby lunch and was stressed out enough.

It turned out that hubby had told his parents he wasn't going home yet and that I'd asked him not to. Fil phoned me and despite my protests, got off the phone and said 'let's get you home' to my husband who then had the impression that his dad had talked me into having him home when I hadn't.

I just feel so cross that it was not father in-laws decision to make! Am I just nuts or is this not right? I can elaborate if needed but just feel totally furious like I wasn't allowed to judge what was best for myself and baby bod I am a 32 year old woman.

They have a habit of treating hubby like a child but I am not used to this my own parents would never interfere like that...

Sorry this is so long believe it or not it is heavily edited! X

OP posts:

Spero · 25/09/2012 22:35

I agree that it was for you and him to discuss where he would be going that morning. to use your fil as an intermidiary seems frankly childish. If you didn't want a drunkard around your home, why on earth should they want that? Why on earth was it your fil's responsibility to find somewhere suitable for your husband to go? It sounds like he was just pissed off at being landed with this and wanted him gone. To talk of 'deception' is just weird.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/09/2012 22:42

How old is your dh?

Why is he not responsible for himself?

pictish · 25/09/2012 22:43

You don't come across as being thoughtless at all. I get you, and I'd feel the same.

You weren't demanding or even suggesting that they had to look after him - he's an adult and can go where he likes. You only said you didn't want him home - and given there were options available to facilitate that, it was a fair request.
Your FIL decided that your wishes were of no regard. He's a dick because whether his son went home or not wasn't ever going to impact on his day. He just decided that you would do as you were told.

I'd be angry too.

Offred · 25/09/2012 22:46

I suspect it is the FIL rather than the OP who was not wanting the DH to be left to his own devices. I think that's why he manipulated the situation to make sure he was taken home safely and not just left to wander about. I think maybe I would have a good chat with my PIL about the drinking and their and your feelings and how you are planning to go forward as a family. When you are all on different pages I think it ends up you all falling out over something which is DH's problem for no reason.

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 22:55

Thank you I think it was my mistake thinking about it to engage with fil on phone about husband coming home. I suppose I knew he was anxious to bring him back and didn't want them to think I was just being spiteful by wanting to wait.

It isn't that I don't appreciate all the input here but I think some has been pretty abrupt. its not every day you find out the person you love has a well hidden - until very recently - problem like that and it is quite a shock. the response from his parents really added to the stress of it all.

OP posts:

Offred · 25/09/2012 22:58

Yes, I imagine so. I think they probably were shocked too and this influenced there reaction (worry?). That's why I think it'd be good if you, rather than feeling (I think understandably) frustrated, had a chat with them about dh's drinking and how you all feel and how the family is going to deal with it together.

Do you have a good relationship with PIL generally?

iknowwho · 25/09/2012 22:58

TBH I wouldn't want a adult drunk landing on my doorstop whether he was my son or not when he has a perfectly good home of his own to go to.

I would be getting shut and sending him home as well and leaving him to sort his own issues out.
Look at the other side of things. If they did offer support and it was support you didn't approve your post would be about PiL interferring.

Offred · 25/09/2012 22:58

*their

Offred · 25/09/2012 22:59

Iknow- she IS posting about PIL interfering!

MrSunshine · 25/09/2012 23:03

You are mad with your inlaws because your "hubby" is a drunken man-child? YABVU.

They are not responsible for him, he is. They do not have to keep him at their house because you have thrown him out. They wanted him to leave so drove him to his own home, the rest of it is entirely between the two of you. He came home when you asked him not to. He could have left their house or their car and gone somewhere else, he didn't.

Sort out your own issues and leave his parents out of it.

Offred · 25/09/2012 23:09

Mrsunshine - have you read the posts? She is mad because she told FIL she was not expecting him to stay there, that they could boot him out but that she did not want him home while he posed a risk to their child. FIL then lied to the DH about the op letting him come home and then drove him home. She said she is dealing with the alcohol separately but what she is mad about is the FIL interfering in the boundaries she chose to set in her relationship.

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 23:14

Squeakytoy I don't drink at all. Husband is not a constant drinker but there is a pattern emerging that seems to me like he uses it to cope when he is feeling stressed. He isn't frequently in the state he was in at the weekend but obviously its a worry for me that it could become frequent if it isn't picked up on.

I don't know why it seems as if I thought someone else should take responsibility for my husband it didn't occur to me that that's what I would be doing by saying I wasnt happy to have him at home yet.

OP posts:

MrSunshine · 25/09/2012 23:19

Actually it does not say that the FIL lied, at all, I appear to have read it better than you have. She said she thinks he gave the impression to his son that things were sorted on the phone.
The FIL wanted him gone and drove him back to his house. There is nothing wrong with that. The husband didn't have to get in the car with FIl, and didn't have to go into the house. He chose to. He chose to ignore OP's wishes. He is reponsible for himself.
The involvement of the inlaws is a red herring, and the OP is ignoring the massive glaring problems to focus on this non-issue.

DollyTwat · 25/09/2012 23:24

Holly maybe your fil didn't really know what to do? He may have thought bringing him home was the best thing so he wasn't involved

My ex pils didn't have a clue how to support me with ex drinking.
It doesn't sound as if he was intentionally interfering quite the opposite

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 23:28

Mrsunshine - my husband would not have come home if he had known I didn't want him there. Even if he was dropped in our street he would have gone for a walk or something.

I don't spend enough time on talk boards to know what your abbreviation means sorry.

OP posts:

MrSunshine · 25/09/2012 23:34

He did know you didn't want him there, you told him so. It says that in your OP. So thats not actually true at all, is it?

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 23:36

Obviously in general the drinking is the big issue and the main issue.

It just wasn't the main issue for the purposes of this thread x

OP posts:

Doha · 25/09/2012 23:37

Mr sunshine have you actually read the thread?????

The FIL implied to the DH that he had sorted it out with the OP and he could go home

iknowwho · 25/09/2012 23:38

offred Interferring in a different way!!

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 25/09/2012 23:39

Hi I think you might need to re read a few things - sorry no time at minute to re hash it all but think I did explain that part.

OP posts:

MrSunshine · 25/09/2012 23:39

I have read it, as I have already said.

Why are you so eager to excuse a grown man from responsibility because his dad? Wife says : do not come home, father (who has made it clear that he wants you to leave) says "I'm taking you home".
Why would he assume his wife has suddenly changed her mind. He's an idiot.

Still, if you are determined to make it their fault (and since its clear you don't like them OP, its not surprising) thats up to you.

squeakytoy · 26/09/2012 00:10

I am sorry, and you are no doubt not going to agree with me here, but I fear you may be being a bit controlling, and having an OTT reaction to his drinking.

It doesnt sound like an alcohol problem to me at all. He occasionally has a drink, sometimes when he is stressed he gets a bit pissed. It isnt a crime you know.

It seems to me that he had a few drinks, you reacted badly to it and it escalated into an argument.

If my stepson turned up here drunk, (and it wouldnt be the first time) he would sleep it off in his old room, and he would be told to bugger off home the next morning to face the wrath of his partner.

It is not just your house, you dont get to decide that he cannot come home because YOU dont feel ready to talk to him.

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 26/09/2012 06:14

Wow ok - I thought I'd explained what happened clearly enough but maybe not. Fil did admit it was deliberately done so that husband would think I changed my mind. Enough other people are concerned enough about him and know the circumstances well enough not to doubt there is a genuine alcohol problem.

I don't know whether its just the question itself that is being objected to because it seems irrelevant to some but it does seem like this was the wrong place to ask it.

OP posts:

Original poster

hollyberry41 · 26/09/2012 06:16

Also if my husband thinks it was reasonable for me to ask for space I don't know why that is being seen as such an awful thing either.

OP posts:

diddl · 26/09/2012 07:14

"it was my mistake thinking about it to engage with fil on phone about husband coming home."

Absolutely.

Why on earth would he think it wasn´t OK to bring his son home?

Wouldn´t most have just bundled him in the car & dropped him off at their own convenience?

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