The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Ah, the word would be discursive, wouldn't it. Doh!

Theorising, looking for the reasons I drank, why other people drank, whether I was an Alcoholic, whether people in general drink too much, whether women like me drank too much, whether it was my upbringing, my family, my genes, basically anything but thinking about me is what kept me drinking. Because there's always a chink in any theorising that'll tell me that I'm different, or that this time it will be different.

Think about yourself, and what you can do for you.

"I think I drink out of boredom" - have you tried playing backgammon instead? Or jigsaws?

Not boinging, fell off the bus and compounded by smoking :( had a meeting in the pub last night didn't really think it through. Sigh
Hope all babes have a good day, I am going to clean my house today, make up my bed and iron some PJs, I might even buy myself some new ones if I make it to the shops, I will not drink today! X

A meeting in the pub is a hard gig when you're planning not to drink. I guess it's one of those situations where what's going on around you is as important as what's going on in your head.
Don't beat yourself up about not thinking it through. Just don't go to that new 'posh pyjamas and wine' shop if you do go out.

Morning fellow passengers, just getting ready for 1st session with counsellor and don't know why but had a few drinks last night and now hungover. I drunk the dreggs of a 7 year old bottle of sherry and had a few of dh's cans of lager and that I don't even like! Actually have no idea why I did that, feel like shit and after counsellor am having sleepover for ds's little cousins and my cousin is over from Italy and popping in with her little boy. Got so much to do and really at a loss as to why I felt the need to do that? :(

I had a quick look at that steiner link and I did think 'that's not me'.

Then, I remembered what MIFLAW said and I added the 'yet'.

Even the very worst cases of alcohol abuse and addiction start small. I got out of the lift at a high floor and will be forever grateful to this bus for that. But I am not 'cured'. I am just not going to drink today because that's my choice.

I don't like being drunk or hungover any more than I liked coughing my guts up of a morning because I used to smoke 20 a day. So I'm not going to do it.

clutter that sounds like the 'self-destruct' button. You know what you're doing, you know you'll feel vile, but you do it anyway? Put it behind you, my lovely. Start today afresh and make that commitment for one day. Good luck with the counsellor. Have a (((hug))) x

Have a good day babes

Hi all, sorry, didn't intend to imply that people shouldn't talk about their experiences as alcoholics, clearly. Nor was I trying to find a label. Just thinking aloud really (won't try that again ).

I think help has sort of summed it up really. When you read about other people's extreme behaviours or descriptions of an alcoholic mindset or journey it can be easy to compare your drinking and decide that either you don't have a problem or even that your problem wouldn't be seen as such. I guess the key is not to compare, and just focus on you and your own drinking.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments last night, they were interesting to consider, sorry if I offended anyone.

Day 6 and I will not be drinking.

Morning, tis me, Mouse

IsinDe - mwahs to you for today and traveling at such an early hour. Thank you for the gentle rocking of Gerald last night, Nemo managed to get to the wee small hours and then woke....... DH and I are starting to suffer again so we need to be making a bit of noise about this not sleeping lark again. Well, that or sneak some brandy into his last feeds like in the 'good old days'

Going back to the labels things, I don't consider myself an alcoholic, do you? Consider me one i mean? I know that in the past I have binged heavily on booze on a very regular and continuous basis but I don't do that anymore.

I have the odd glass or two maybe once or twice a week? Sometimes we'll share a bottle of wine (DH or a friend) in the week or on a weekend night...... BUT I do know that if I started to hit the spirits again, I could do some serious damage and then go onto wine......

So what am I? I know now that if someone said you can't have a drink Mouse, I'd be more than fine with that.... I'd also like to think that I can go without drink for days, weeks and months on end as apposed to hours which is where I was 2 years ago.

Am I 'cured'? 'Cured' as in compared to how I drank when the Bus first stopped at my stop?

I've done it all from the age of 13 onwards...... drinking in the day, driving knowing I shouldn't, going out to get drink leaving DD in bed with a neighbour watching her from next door, avoiding the same shops, steeling booze from my parent's and topping it up with water... drank and ended up Jeff knows where.... I've done all kinds of stupid drinking but none of that is me anymore.

That's not what I want, who I am, how I drink when I do. I feel mentally better for not drinking. I feel better for not wanting to open a bottle bang on 5,6,7pm.... but I know that I could be that person again couldn't I?

Anyway, it's FRIDAY and some of us will be waiting for The Wine Witch to come calling at some point and thinking of letting her in as a reward for getting through another week of This Life.

The only difference between today and yesterday is the letters used to make up the name of it.

It's another day, just like the next, and the ones before and yet already, I've read friend's posts on FB saying that they can't wait to get wasted later after a week from hell.

Have good days everyone, school for us later with a visit from Nemo's portage worker. Another busy day!

Ellie you certainly didn't offend me.

Help I found your "whoah there" comment rather rude and dismissive - it seemed to imply that you get to moderate what people post and think about.

And I luffs you too NonAstemia How are DD, man and animals? I really didn't mean to suggest that we all have to label ourselves in terms of our alcohol problems or that any of us need to admit we're alcoholics. I know we're all different here and that's the beauty of this forum. But for me accepting that I'm an alcoholic means that at last I can do something about my drinking. Most alcoholics can't relearn how to drink in a controlled way and it's just not helpful for me to keep going round in circles thinking that sensible drinking is an option that will ever be available to me.

It's simple for me really; being alcoholic = being powerless over my drinking = I have to stop drinking altogether. It's a very personal thing which I'll keep to myself and not meant in any way to be didactic. As for my relapse, maybe it's been instructive. If I can view it in that way I can use it as a further demonstration that abstaining is the only way forward for me.

GS maybe I should go back to lurking too as I don't seem to have made a very good job of explaining how I feel and have caused offense to some by talking about being an alcoholic.

Probably it's safer for me to express myself at AA so I'll say goodbye for now.

Apologies that 'woah there' was bossy. I should preface everything I write with: in my experience when I was struggling with alcohol...
Apologies also if theorising over whether theorising is helpful or not is doing anyone's head in. In my experience it's helpful to stick to HALT, and bring it back to that if you feel like a drink.

isinde spot on with everything you said

soma don't feel you have to go back to lurking! I'm sure no offence was caused, and sometimes it is hard to express how we feel!

ellie reading your post again, and wow! everything you wrote could apply to me. And both of us can't be wrong, eh? So whatever we like to call ourselves, we found the Bus.

clutter personally I'd think that you drank last night to prove to yourself that you had a problem and weren't wasting the counsellors time. Your posts often show that you don't want to 'bother' other people with your issues, maybe you felt you weren't worthy of attention... or maybe you felt like having a last drink before starting afresh.

I hope it goes okay later.

soma if you are referring to what I posted then it had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anything you said, I promise.

Please don't stop posting. You are one of the reasons I got back on the bus. I have followed your posts from the start as a long time lurker and your journey has been inspiring. I know you have fallen into the side car recently, but look back at your first posts and you will see how far you have come. What you used to write was heart-breaking, and now you are full of hope and positivity, despite the setbacks.

Now I sound crazy, but I just wanted you to know! I really hope AA gives you the support you need, but keep posting too.

soba you haven't offended me ...nor has anyone else. I think its good for everyone to be able to express themselves and there is no one right answer or one type of problem. We're all individuals dealing with our own stuff and I find it really helpful to hear about lots of different experiences and opinions...yours very much included.

So.... I went to my friends for dinner last night and was met with ..Oh you'll have one glass of wine won't you? Just one? I smiled and said no thanks I prefer not to but you guys go right ahead. We had a lovely night and I totally enjoyed catching up with old friends. The ginger beer was lovely (I'm not too keen on very sweet soft drinks) and I didn't find it as hard as I thought I would to not drink alcohol. I didn't feel left out and we had a right laugh.

Was lovely to drive home under a starry sky and get tucked up in bed knowing I would wake up clear headed. Slept well and feel bright as a button today.

Day 4 and feeling strong..weekend coming up which will be testing...particularly as my b/f and I do a lot of socialising in the pub at weekends but I'm not drinking today

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!

I hope my 'am I or aren't I an alcoholic' post didn't throw the mouse amoungst the cats either! Sorry

I was asking in a genuine capacity as I really have no idea what I am, not that it matters actually. I'm me, Mouse. So, with that in mind, ignore my post above asking the question.

SOMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't stop posting, you add as much value to this thread as anyone else and posting what you did is your right. I believe that you were asking for opinions, trying to help and for me, that's the purpose of Gerald, right?

So stay please. Or else, I'll, erm, cry?

Time for school, be back later, Nemo has a heart scan too so cross fingers please Babes that all is well thank you xx

offs - are we having a professional taking offense convention on here?

big girls knickers please - we're all adults - take what you like and works for you leave what you don't and doesn't. this is a peaceful all inclusive space and we don't tone troll each other or police each other. that's why it works and why so many of us have been here as long as we have.

glad you're feeling strong lelli. doing well.

isinde - be safe out there!

mouse - only you know if you're an alkie but obviously alcohol isn't the only substance that we've been drawn to in the past and you have the challenge of needing to take addictive meds on a daily basis and somehow 'managing' that. i should think that that was the bigger fish in your case iyswim?

all ok here. am trying to sort my work wardrobe out. if i feel out of my depth i can at least look the part fake it till you make it type stuff?

Haven't been around for eons, but just had to say dearest, loveliest Soma, please don't disappear. Also ohclutterbegone I relate to drinking anything prior to going for help, 13 years ago today actually! It was a last blast, and even though sometimes being sober is a bit full on I can look at myself in the mirror every morning without any guilt or shame, no regrets and safe in the knowledge that today I will not be drinking.

Am still busy in good old North Yorkshire, and Soma we got our funding, so all systems go on that front, just with the Battle Bus could be beamed into more homes, it should have it's own website and forum imo.

Mouse often think of you and your kindness, Isinde I am going to have a vision for the rest of the day of flying taffeta women on top of each bus I overtake.

Lots of love to all. xx

Thanks for that Help.

Soma don't you dare leave! You belong on the bus, even if you just pop in from time to time. I've been thinking of you lately as you've not posted in ages. Was going to PM/text you but been a bit hectic here the last few weeks and didn't get around to it. I'll

My DMIL has been ripped off for nearly £10k and left financially, practically and emotionally devastated, so been staying with her and trying to sort that out. Then the dog developed pancreatitis and has been really poorly. Lots of vet treatment and very very worrying and she's still ill. It's a life-long issue so it's a bit of a blow - it's her third birthday today so she's only a young dog. How's lovely Alfie?

Other than that we're fine. DD just gone off to my DParents for a couple of weeks, so although I'll miss her a lot that gives me a bit of breathing space. Have been feeling a bit stressed, which makes me want to drink more. I find this time of year a bit of a challenge - much as I love love love the colours and smell of autumn, the dwindling daylight has an impact on me.

I've only had one blip on my not drinking white wine during October pledge (shared a bottle of white to go with a salmon dish last week). It's reduced my overall consumption, although predictably I'm drinking more red. It's saved my liver and our pockets a bit though, which was the idea.

Now your turn - I know I'm far from the only one on this thread who wants to hear your news.

Hello to everyone else who remembers or cares who I am, btw.

I still read most days and keep up with all your ups and downs. I love reading all the voices and thoughts here, and still have my place in the sidecar.