I'm NOT in an abusive relationship but SS don't believe me!

[HeiferInCalf]

About a month ago I had a silly row with my DH over the phone about him being in the pub late (he rarely goes to the pub) and in a temper I decided to go to my mums for the night. She lives about two hours away.
DH came home to find me and DS gone, rang me to ask me to come home, I said no. He then rang my mom and said he too was going to drive to hers and take DS back. Despite me telling mom this was all just talk she rang the police.
They came over and asked me about 30 questions. Which apparently is standard procedure (things like does he hurt animals, has he ever made threats to you or your child) answered No to virtually everything as he is not violent or nasty. To cut a long story short the police classed this as a case of domestic violence which they automatically have to inform SS about. SS are now investigating me and DH. I've told them my DH has never physically hurt me, never threatened to hurt me but they REFUSE to believe me. Everything I say they twist to make it sound so much more dramatic. They tell me that night I was 'fleeing an abusive relationship' that 'I don't understand how serious the problems in my relationship are' because I was honest and told them that we occasionally row. ( who the F doesn't?!). They also tell me that if DH were to push me whilst arguing I could fall on DS and this puts him at 'significant risk of harm'.
DH feels like he is being unfairly demonised by everyone and I have to agree. The more they investigate, the more they seem to negatively elaborate every tiny detail. I've been very honest and co-operative with them so far but I'm reaching my wits end! So stressed!

[ravenAK]

We're driving 200 miles to a family party tomorrow - & then home again.

Some people do drive a lot without thinking too much about it. Also, small babies don't much care what time it is.

So buggering off to mum's in a fit of arsiness for a good night's sleep & a shoulder to cry on doesn't strike me as particularly weird, tbh.

Surprised SS have taken it seriously - maybe the OP's mum's call to police was quite OTT drama llama-ish.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

FGS.

Stop blaming it on everything else.

Tired mentions insight.

Insight was very important to SS when I was involved with them.

If you dont have insight (and judging what you have written here, you dont) they are going to be concerned.

But it seems that you only want to reply to what suits you.

[MrsjREwing]

My Mother is the sort who sticks her fingers up at anyone who makes a mistake whilst driving and rants and raves about people she knows behind their back and is lovely to their face.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Geez, it seems like you and your mothers love for creating drama out of nothing, and scoring points against your dh, has really landed you in the muck.

Reading your OP and further posts, I was rather thinking you sounded the controlling, manipulative and unhinged party, rather than your dh. Are you sure they are not investigating you, rather than him?

You were the one who
a) got pissed off that your husband was out in the pub not drinking alcohol
b) dragged your baby out of the house and went to your mum 2 hours away, in anger (not sure they look kindly on a new mum driving in anger - is this safe even?)
c) possibly told tall tales about your husband, over exaggerating to your mum despite knowing that she 1) cant stand your husband ; 2) is a drama queen like you and also likes scoring points as much as you do.
d) in total a massive overreacting from both you and your mum.

And he was just the concerned husband who came home and found his wife and child gone.

[amillionyears]

I was going to say not to post where you live,as it might not be a good idea for various reasons,but I see I am too late.
I actually started going to bed,but I am concerned for you,so reopened the computer.
Can I ask how old you are roughly.
And would you say you think things through in your life,or do you generally act impulsively?

[amillionyears]

When you and your DH next hear from or see the ss,do not make jokes,as the jokes may backfire.Think through your answers carefully.
And make sure the baby is looking well cared for.
The ss have a legitimate job to do to make sure everything is fine and no one is in danger.If there is no problem,lets hope they come to the right conclusion.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Yes, OP, amillion is right. Based on your attitude and comments on this thread I can see you being evasive, immature and glib in an interview with ss and you will be even deeper in the shit then than you are now.

I hope this thread has made you see your behaviour and the dramas in your family in a different light. Hopefully you can reassure ss and move on into a calmer, more grown up kind of family life.

[Lueji]

How much farming is there in Haringey, actually?
It's virtually an inner city borough of London.

Unless that's where your mum lives.

[TheBonkeyMollocks]

I think Quint has made sonera very good points.

[TheBonkeyMollocks]

*some

[HiHowAreYou]

Lueji, that's what I was just going to say! The rolling fields of Haringay?

[kyotokate]

Is this real..... Farming folk in Haringey?????????

[Proudnscary]

This thread is utterly infuriating. OP you are utterly infuriating.

Your passive tone is actually offensive.

At best you have wasted police and SS time and resources by ridiculous reactions to...well pretty much nothing if what you are presenting us on here is all true.

At worst you are feeding us, SS, the police and yourself a crock of shit and there is much more to this.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I agree with Proud 100%.

Its infuriating and offensive to ask for advice, and then laugh in the face of the replies.

If you dont get back down to earth OP your son will get placed on the CPR. Thats not a fun time for anyone and could have serious consequences.

If you are being evasive to perfect strangers then I imagine you are doing worse to SS. They will not just ignore it and go away. You are giving them suspicions.

[needsomeperspective]

What seems insane to me is you "didn't think" to tell us or SS that your husband wasn't drinking that night. Pretty bloody enormously important piece of information don't you think!! No risk of drunk driving here or drunken threatening behavior or you being afraid of him coming home drunk and belligerent. The poor guy was drinking coke and got back by what...10pm? 11pm? Yes I'd have been pissed off that he didn't let you know what was going on but your reaction to "punish" him seems insane. Are you always this controlling?

[needsomeperspective]

And FFS please tell SS he wasn't drinking!

[QuintessentialShadows]

I think the reason why OP did not tell SS that her husband was not drinking and was in fact home before midnight is pretty clear-cut!

Op has put herself in a position where she has the choice of:

a) Letting SS think that she is at mercy of a drunken man showing threatening behaviour to the point that she flees in fear or;

b) Realize that she has to admit to the SS that she is in fact a drama queen who dragged her baby out of bed in the night to punish her husband for not coming home early to cook her dinner.

I dont think the op has enough self insight and depth to chose between the two, and will keep avoiding the truth and give evasive answers because she wants to try to salvage the situation without her coming across as a total cow.

This is one time in your life where you really should lay all the cards on the table and not care how this reflects on you. You need to do the decent thing and clear your husband. That is the only way to get your family out of this particular mess.

[squeezed]

If you aren't open with SS they will assume the worst, it's their job because they have to protect the children involved.

There is a high incidence of drink driving and domestic abuse, therefore if SS think your DH was going to drink drive then it contributes to their concerns.Did your DM think he was drunk and was this why she called the police?

The isolating behaviour and possible financial control will also be considered.It is a major factor if someone has access to weapons. These factors have been researched and linked to risk.Having a young baby also makes you more vulnerable.

It sounds like you are having an Initial Assessment completed, but you have been evasive in answering in what capacity SS are involved. My advice is work with SS, all they want is to protect the child.Tell them the situation without being evasive or covering things up or they will assume the worst.Also get some legal advice,you're a mother and need to act in the interests of your child instead of being defensive.

[LydiasMiletus]

quint as usual is right. OP will not admit its actually her fault so this will continue.
But I do wonder if SS are now starting to think that the OP is emotionall abusive and controlling and has escalated into using the child (regardless on consequences) to control and punish dh.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I think it's sad people get so angry on these threads as it chases the op away. I don't understand why people are asking why ss are investigating this, as they have to if a child is under 1, & of course they take every referral seriously. It can also feel like they are putting loads of pressure on when they are just routinely investigating something.

There are gaps in your story OP, & if you want to fill us in that would be great as people here have v strong reactions about ss, & need to understand what's happening so they can judge it vs based on trust as on other threads. Mumsnet is rather on the side of children not mums in these circumstances, which I'm sure you can understand.

Anyway, my tuppence worth is: ss do question anything & everything when doing a first assessment, esp when referred through police/ child under 1.

My gp told ss when i confided in her my h had hit me, as my ds was about 8 mths old. It was a one off (from h & ss!), although was mamy momths before i managed to get h put of our home. I had a terrifying experience of children's services & any continued intervention by them would have actively hindered me from getting things ok for me & Ds BUT I'm sure that it isn't the case with alot of situations. (i was in the midst of becoming disabled & in absence of any other help h was my carer & i was not independent w/out him... Physically. Leave him or we will take your child doesnt work in that situation! & no help offered or referral to adult services, just alot of guff about how every woman feels they can't cope on their own & I will & also the gem, we re not here to help you we re only here to safe guard your Ds.. Err glad I'll miraculously heal, Anyway that's my story & that bit not relevant to you).

Luckily for me they just threatened me alot with what they'd do if anything was ever reported again & disappeared never to retirn either to help or hinder, leavimg me with a million unanswered questions & a fear that my ds would be taken away at any time. They never opened a file (i found out after chasing it up) but it left me feeling like they had done alot more than that.

Anyway v diff story from yours as h was abusing me (?), & different cos i def wanted out but I was also struggling with becoming disabled & being trapped in my situation. But i was very aware of trying to do the best for my baby & scared of any harm shouting, stress & hostile atmosphere & it's effect on him. And got out as soon as I could, (when I had help for me physically)

It's feels incredibly scary & intimidating & yes, I would say from my experiences they try & take everything in a 'worst scenario' type of way. However that's the environment they work in, they see worst scenario every day, & hard to get them to see anything other than text book abuse & woman allowing abuse of her child by proxy. If there are any signals that's your situation then they will push to see they've got any more grounds for intervening.

In my experience there was alot of blaming me for any effect violence of h had on Ds, which I can see came from probably immense frustration that mothers get so trapped in abuse they don't see the harm or stop it for their children. I would die for my Ds & am very (too much prob!) aware of any potential harm for him, & they backed off when they realised that I wasn't a weak willed / selfish person who wouldn't react putting Ds first.

I think maybe they'd be worried that you aren't talking about having weighed up a decision to drive when emotional with your child.

'late at night' I personally think is a red herring as my Ds wouldn't have cared less where we were or what we were doing as long as he was with me. He would have cared if I was upset though, & potentially dangerous driving would have worried me...

I wonder if it's worth you thinking about arguing styles & how to vent? As with a small baby it's easy to argue (tired, changing roles, frustration and again, tired!) but maybe you can work out healthier ways than points scoring?

I feel for you having done something which seemed ok & in anger at the time then escalates out of control & becomes bigger than
It is. Just wondering of you can think of different ways so this doesn't happen again - can you talk with your h about it? How does he feel about all this? How is he acting to you?

[anairofhope]

Ss could well think you have pnd or other mh issues because of the overreation and you reaction to their involvement. You baby is only 3 months old and there is already unrest in its home environment and a Mother that does not consider the effect of her actions on the baby.

Ss will not go away untill they finish their investigation. You could well be visited every week for months and they have the right to do this by law.

It is stressful and it does overshadow the whole of the baby experiance and they could well get involved every time you have another baby. They will interview everyone that is in contact with you and your child.

It will be held on record so nursary and schools will see it and report anything they are concerned about.

The only thing you can do is be open honest and be seen to make changes if they are needed.

If there is nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about.

[HeiferInCalf]

Thank you. Your input is appreciated and has given me a lot to think about.

[Viviennemary]

Sorry but I feel your own behaviour and that of your Mother and your DH has brought all this on. So I don't blame SS for investigating.

[garlicnutty]

Heifer, your replies have been very measured: thanks. Are you seeing anything any differently since yesterday?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Hello op, good to see you back, how you doing?

Asks same question as garlic! ?