I'm NOT in an abusive relationship but SS don't believe me!

[HeiferInCalf]

About a month ago I had a silly row with my DH over the phone about him being in the pub late (he rarely goes to the pub) and in a temper I decided to go to my mums for the night. She lives about two hours away.
DH came home to find me and DS gone, rang me to ask me to come home, I said no. He then rang my mom and said he too was going to drive to hers and take DS back. Despite me telling mom this was all just talk she rang the police.
They came over and asked me about 30 questions. Which apparently is standard procedure (things like does he hurt animals, has he ever made threats to you or your child) answered No to virtually everything as he is not violent or nasty. To cut a long story short the police classed this as a case of domestic violence which they automatically have to inform SS about. SS are now investigating me and DH. I've told them my DH has never physically hurt me, never threatened to hurt me but they REFUSE to believe me. Everything I say they twist to make it sound so much more dramatic. They tell me that night I was 'fleeing an abusive relationship' that 'I don't understand how serious the problems in my relationship are' because I was honest and told them that we occasionally row. ( who the F doesn't?!). They also tell me that if DH were to push me whilst arguing I could fall on DS and this puts him at 'significant risk of harm'.
DH feels like he is being unfairly demonised by everyone and I have to agree. The more they investigate, the more they seem to negatively elaborate every tiny detail. I've been very honest and co-operative with them so far but I'm reaching my wits end! So stressed!

[Lueji]

It's just that the op may well be telling the truth, but it does feel that something is not quite right. And that's what SS are probably thinking.
just doing their jobs.

[anairofhope]

How old is your child OP?

[MrsjREwing]

I think it is the drink concerning ss along with GM's reaction in this case.

[garlicnutty]

It sounds as if nothing's going to come of this, OP. Your H hasn't been brought in for questioning; you're back home an all's calm it seems. It will be wise to get legal advice anyway.

I'm very bemused by your story. Either the police/SS have got a point or your mother's got them worried for no reason. Is your mother bonkers? Does she call the police at the drop of a hat, is she afraid of men, or what? If she's not especially bonkers, it would be useful to know what she found threatening about the situation at her house last month.

How often do you and DH argue? Do you feel scared of his temper? Is he scared of yours?

[anairofhope]

Op u acted iirationally with a child. You failed to put the childs needs first. You put the child at risk by driving when tired and upset. You dh threatened to drink and drive. This is not a stable environment for a child.

I think ss apply pressure to see your reaction and how you cope with that as a family or to see what cracks are there because children are hard work and stressful.

Have you even considered your baby in your actions that night?

[rhondajean]

It is not ss place or purpose to apply pressure!

Good lord.

I do strongly suspect there has to be more to this story, I work closely with Ss and trust me they don't have so much spare time they can spend it making mountains out of molehills.

[Lueji]

Heifer

It wouldn't be the first time that someone comes here saying that something in their relationship is fine and then conclude that it's not.

The point is that you may feel that you are strong and in control, that it just normal rows, that it's just him talking, etc
But some of us here and SS know that some of these things are not normal and a prelude to worse.

If you have answered yes to some of those questions, consider yourself where that may lead you.

Not saying leave the bastard here. :)
But just be careful and address the issue with your OH before it does become a problem.

Also read the red flags thread carefully, just in case.
BTW, what was his reaction to SS involvement and the police?

In any case, I do hope you are right and you have a great relationship and are very happy.

[joanofarchitrave]

I don't understand why you drove to your mum's; I don't understand why your mum called the police.

If I were a social worker I would be looking hard, because something doesn't feel stable about this situation.

I hope you and dh get legal advice immediately.

[anairofhope]

Ss can and do get things wrong. They are only human after all.

One event does not equal a bad relationship.

I have been on the recieving end of bad ss investigation and one of the things a vollenterr reported me for was bf and cosleep a 2 year old!

Just coop with them and try to get thru it as a family. If there is nothing to find then let them look. If it saves one child then its worth the upset.

Good luck.

[HeiferInCalf]

Thanks guys, your insight is really helpful because your asking questions I hadn't previously thought of and may explain why they seem to think there is more going on.
My mom is really prone to exaggeration and loves drama and excitement - I think that is why she called the police not knowing how far this would all go.
She is also obsessed by the fact that he has a firearms license, god knows why it bothers her so much because he has never given any indication that he would misuse it. (We're farming folk incase you hadn't guessed) However we do not have any guns at home. He goes through regular police and medical checks to make sure he is still fit to hold it and has had his license for over 10 years.
This was one of the questions I had to answer 'yes' to.i.e does he have access to firearms? The others were 'are you financially dependent on him' - I do have a job but being on maternity leave I am only getting SMP so he is paying the rent and bills from our joint account and his sole account. ( I do also have a sole account) The final one I had to say yes to, sort of, was does he ever stop you from seeing anyone? He doesn't like me seeing my mom because it always causes hassle (she really proved his point this time) but I always go out with friends when I want and I don't feel restricted.
The other interesting thing is everyone seems to assume he was at the pub drinking alcohol. I never thought to clarify either on here or to SS that he wasn't drinking and wasn't drunk. He rarely drinks at home either.

[LydiasMiletus]

Can I ask why you thought going to your mums, who you say blows things out of proportion and has caused problems between you and your dh, was a good idea?
What did he say that you had to try and convince her was 'just talk'?

[LydiasMiletus]

What was the row over then?

[amillionyears]

Another question they may ask at a later date,as they are interested in the firearm is,is it kept in a locked cupboard? They may well also want to physically come and see it.And look at any paperwork for it.

I cant quite get my head round why your mum rang the police.
Does she know that a lot of farmers keep a gun.

[izzyizin]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, Lydias and I suspect that, had the OP known what would result from her spontaneous decision to score points over her dh decamp to her dm's for the night, she would have cut her hands off rather than take hold of a steering wheel.

[dequoisagitil]

It just seems incredibly ott to drive 2 hrs to your mum's over a minor row, who then calls the police over threatening behaviour.

If there's nothing in it, jump through the SS's hoops, and they will lose interest when there's nowt to worry about and you can demonstrate it.

I would far rather they made people jump through hoops and put the fear of god in you than let things slde and we end up with baby P again.

And I speak as someone who got the fear of god put into them when I had PND and was being neglectful.

[izzyizin]

No firearms are kept at the OP's home, amillion.

[LydiasMiletus]

But its nit hindsight. She says her dh did not like her seeing her mum ( worrying if there are no issues) because of her over reactions and the tat she already HAS cause trouble.
I suspect the OPs midnight flit to the mums was designed to upset the dh. He comes home and finds his wife and child gone. Where Are they? The have gone to a person who causes issues for them.
I think this use back fired massively.

[LydiasMiletus]

not hindsight.
The OP knew her mum would over react.

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

What Lydia said. Your answers to which questions you said 'yes' to make sense and don't sound too alarming.

If what you say is all true, and if your mum is so disruptive, why on earth would you go driving many miles to see her with your baby in the car after a 'silly row'? Do you want to destroy your family? Do you enjoy a bit of drama, too, OP? Well if I were you, I would try to suppress that appetite, unless you want ss crawling over your family, and your husband and mother at loggerheads. I think you need to grow up and be a bit more responsible tbh, for your baby's sake and your own.

Yes, get legal advice pronto. And if all really is well, try to keep yours and your mum's petty dramas from diverting resources (police, social services) from doing their important job of keeping vulnerable people safe, that taxpayers pay for them to do.

[izzyizin]

Exactly, Lydia, and if hindsight was foresight, the OP would have stayed home.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I have experienced first hand how SS can twist things.

However, SS would not be investigating your family because your husband has a firearm and pays the rent.

You can get a lot of really good advice and support on here. But for it to be of any use, you are going to have to elaborate and admit to things you would probably rather not.

1. When you say "push" do you mean shove? How many times has this happened?
   
   
2. What was said when DH "threatened" to come to your mums?
   
   
3. How often do you row? Are there raised voices, slamming doors etc during every row?
   
   
4. How many times have you done a late night flit to your mums?
   
   Fact is, no one in their right mind drives two hours at night with a baby because their husband was not drinking at the pub.
   
   Pushing during rows can escalate to worse violence.
   
   I think you need to stop lying to yourself OP. And stop fighting SS. The sooner you admit to the problems the sooner they can be fixed.

[LydiasMiletus]

The Ops dh has not pushed her. SS said IF he did.

[rhondajean]

I am now with you op. this is the way my mother would possibly react.

Ss still seem to be being very heavy handed in their reaction. There was no assault, threatened assault, etc. do you know what else your mother has told them/the police?

[MrsjREwing]

It did sound like your oh had a drink problem, you rowed over drink and he planned on drink driving. Get a statement from who you were with to say he didn't drink at the pub.

[HeiferInCalf]

Thanks Izzyizin I think you get it. The 'score points over DH' made me laugh because it is true.

So to answer some more questions.
The row was over the fact he had told me at 17.15 he was on his way home and he wanted to cook dinner so I needn't bother. I knew his friend was already at the pub and he may call in on his way back to see him. Well at 21.45 he wasn't home, no dinner was made and I'd got no text or phonecall. Knew he was at the pub and was ok just couldn't be arsed to let me know (later turned out he had text me I just didn't get it) feeling a sense of utter indignation ( yes I'm childish, I know) decided I was going to piss off to my mums. Knew it would annoy him tbh. I also wanted to a good nights sleep. Whatever else my mum is she is a very good caring Grandma and is quite happy to do night feeds and let me lie in the mornings. OH works long hours nearly every day and isn't really in a position to help as much as we'd both like.
DS is just under 3mnths. Was asleep when we left, asleep all the way there, he always sleeps in the car from the second the engine is on, slept at GM too. Never woke up until 3am which is his normal wake up and feed time.