I'm NOT in an abusive relationship but SS don't believe me!

[HeiferInCalf]

About a month ago I had a silly row with my DH over the phone about him being in the pub late (he rarely goes to the pub) and in a temper I decided to go to my mums for the night. She lives about two hours away.
DH came home to find me and DS gone, rang me to ask me to come home, I said no. He then rang my mom and said he too was going to drive to hers and take DS back. Despite me telling mom this was all just talk she rang the police.
They came over and asked me about 30 questions. Which apparently is standard procedure (things like does he hurt animals, has he ever made threats to you or your child) answered No to virtually everything as he is not violent or nasty. To cut a long story short the police classed this as a case of domestic violence which they automatically have to inform SS about. SS are now investigating me and DH. I've told them my DH has never physically hurt me, never threatened to hurt me but they REFUSE to believe me. Everything I say they twist to make it sound so much more dramatic. They tell me that night I was 'fleeing an abusive relationship' that 'I don't understand how serious the problems in my relationship are' because I was honest and told them that we occasionally row. ( who the F doesn't?!). They also tell me that if DH were to push me whilst arguing I could fall on DS and this puts him at 'significant risk of harm'.
DH feels like he is being unfairly demonised by everyone and I have to agree. The more they investigate, the more they seem to negatively elaborate every tiny detail. I've been very honest and co-operative with them so far but I'm reaching my wits end! So stressed!

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Oh that's such good news for you, & you sound so positive & wanting to keep developing as a couple for your dc. Well done.

[amillionyears]

Wonderful HeiferInCalf
Well Done
Best Wishes for the future

[OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere]

I am pleased for you.

[HeiferInCalf]

Got the result of the assessment letter this morning. 'No further action to be taken'
Thank goodness! This has been the most stressful two weeks of my life!

I'm determined to carry on the positives that have come out of this, like going to the relationships course, relate, counselling etc.
Got so much to do and so far to go.

I really do want to thank you MNs. You helped me see things much more clearly and from a different perspective (and possibly keep a hold of my last bit of sanity)

Seeing as I think this has all come to a conclusion, this will be my last post. Going to change my MN name now as others have suggested. While 99% have been really helpful even when the truth is harsh, 1% are really vitriolic and nasty tbh! (That was one of things DH was surprised about, 'judgemental b*tch' was the phrase used and that's after dealing with me and DM!)

To the future!

Thanks, Heifer

[leguminous]

"I have become so much like my mother after swearing all through my adolescence that I would be nothing like her"

Oh god, you and me both! It's really hard - your upbringing really sets the standard for what's 'normal' in your head, even when you're aware of things you want to change. I swore I wouldn't be a shouty mum like mine was, but I don't think you really manage to unearth the behaviour pattern until you find yourself doing it and go "oh shit, there it is".

[bumpybecky]

how odd, not now!

[bumpybecky]

Heifer I think a lot of us only realise now odd our own families are when we come to have children of our own. Behaviours that seem reasonable and normal based on our previous experiences can look very different from the perspective of a 'normal' person.

It sounds as though you're making progress though. It's bound to be emotionally draining, but worth the effort. Have some with the tea :)

[HeiferInCalf]

Absolutely leguminous. Both me and DH have realised we need to find better ways of dealing with conflict. I need to not storm off, he needs to not say antagonistic things. We are going to go to relate which is also at the community centre.
The worst realisation was a) I have become so much like my mother after swearing all through my adolescence that I would be nothing like her
b) My DS who is such a happy, content little baby would also learn these behaviours and turn out exactly like us. I know this sounds so completely obvious now and I do feel a bit of a dickhead, but it hadn't really occurred to me.

It is hard though not talking to my Mom. She is a nut job really, but she is also a kind and helpful Grandma and very generous. She does do a lot for charity and I don't want people thinking she is only some evil cow that enjoys meddling. (not that it makes any difference because none of you know her) But I still feel guilty for portraying her in a bad light, even if it is true.
I've always told her everything and in some ways I feel like I have lost my best friend.

The whole affair has left me feeling confused, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, embarrassed, stupid, fearful and in someways positive that things are going to get better.
depending on the outcome of SS maybe this was a wake up call that I needed and will result in a better Family life for all of us. I feel utterly exhausted and the long journey has only just begun! Best make some I think.

[leguminous]

Good grief, your Mum sounds like a drama queen of the highest order. I certainly wouldn't use her as a shoulder to cry on again, sad as it is for you not to be able to count on her. I mean, calling the police based essentially on her "premonitions"? What the actual fuck? I'd be furious with her.

It does sound like you've learnt some of her behaviours. Maybe not the more extreme stuff, but - however much you like driving, and however much a 3 month old doesn't give a monkey's where he sleeps - driving two hours away at night after a row would make me think the row had been pretty huge and devastating. If my husband promised to cook and then sat in the pub drinking Coke instead, I think the most I'd do is get myself something delicious via Just-Eat instead, leave him a snotty note and go to bed before he got in. And I probably wouldn't even be annoyed enough for that. I don't think driving off was a totally mad thing to do either, but it does seem out of proportion and I can honestly see why SS suspected there was more to it.

Hope you learn some calmer ways to handle the ups and downs. It sounds like this course could be really useful.

[amillionyears]

from not form

[amillionyears]

wow,very good.Well done.
Agree with maintaining your distance form your mum.

[HeiferInCalf]

So SS came to our house, had a look round, checked DS bedroom and DS. Spoke to us both separately and together. I made sure I was as honest and clear with them as I possibly could be. Made sure I told them how DH doesn't drink a lot. They asked about drug use, DH is the most anti-drugs person you will ever come across. I admitted I once smoked a spliff when I was at college. (Once, 10 years ago and it gave me a cracking headache and I had to sleep all afternoon so I never tried it again.) Got noted down as 'a cannabis user'
For now they are playing their cards close to their chest (which I suppose they have to) should find out the outcome of their assessment next week.

They did recommend a relationships course that is being held at the local community centre. I have been to the first class, was really, really educational and I left feeling quite emotional. I have a lot I need to work on and a lot we need to work on. There were some Moms there with older children who were explaining how bad relationships (with partners/parents/friends) have affected their kids. It surprised and scared me, looking forward to next weeks class.

Spoke to my Mum, wasn't a great conversation. She really doesn't like my DH! (More than I previously realised) it all basically stems from this belief that she has some sort of clairvoyant ability (my ass) and she has had some kind of premonition that he will cause her misery. Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy to me. Because I think the best thing I can do is maintain the distance. At least until things are much more settled and everyone can talk without it being so emotionally charged.

Thanks for the advice and support MNs

[Iamjezabel]

And I think your mum needs to know SHE is the cause of this and SHE is putting her daughters family at risk, that SHE over reacted.
And maybe YOU need to think about how your actions allowed her to cause this damaged.
I bet your dh is really pissed off with her.

[Iamjezabel]

OP you knew you wouldn't be able to 'just have a moan' at your met. You said there had been issues with her before.
You knew you would be causing further problems between your mum and dh by doing this. You also admitted early on that it was a point scoring exercise.
Why would you sleep better at your mums?
You may think that adults running back to parents when a crossed word is spoken, but its not. Adults sort out their issues.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Well I really hope for a good outcome.

I wonder if distancing self from your mothers actions would be useful -say you don't know why she called the police, & mention other times when she's been a bit extreme/ drama hungry?

Just take a deep breath before you answer questions that seem upsetting, & take them all seriously as ss in their working lives exist in a very different world, where the scary things they ask about do happen...

[QuintessentialShadows]

I agree with Orange that you need to tell your mum what she has caused.

SS will find it odd if you dont, they might think you have something to hide.

[OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere]

You will probably find they will want to talk to your GP/HV and anyone else involved with your DC.
This is normal part of an initial assessment.

Taking your OP on face value, I doubt it will go any further. Your mum needs to be made aware of what sort of trouble she has caused with her hysterics.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Oh, I see you have posted.

No, it is not normal to moan to your parents on such a level. I have always been careful not to moan to my parents about my husband, as I am sure it would backfire if I did. One bad day is nothing but a snapshot of a bad situation, and too many of those give a very skewed image of the real situation.

I learnt this lesson at 19 when I was mouthing off about my boyfriend to my mum. This backfired, and I realized it was better to not involve my mum in any relationship issues as long as I didn't need her help or advice with anything, and I would then seek her opinion in a calm and measured manner.

[QuintessentialShadows]

What action are you going to take against your mum?

Ultimately, she dropped you into this mess? What are you telling her?
What does she feel about all this? Has she been interviewed and explained herself?

[HeiferInCalf]

Thanks, I do really appreciate the feedback. Tomorrow they are coming to the house to talk to me and DH and from what I understand that will complete their initial assessment.
I'll let you know how it all unfolds.
Thank you ladies

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I had stupid 'hypothetical questions' fired at me too... maybe to 'test' your reactions to put your baby first? only thing i can think of as they weren't very reasonable or likely hypotheses (though in my case my h had hit me so at least there was a warning thing that i understood).

I just tried to answer as if they were reasonable hypotheses, and to show that i would genuinely be horrified and the appropriate action if these were likely/ did happen. i just kept repeating again and again that i was taking action to ensure h wasn't in a position to ever hit me again, and as i was taking this action, the scenarios were unlikely to happen.

They asked the whole gamut of questions to the sensible 'what are you going to do to stop h shouting in front of the baby, if he attempted to that is', to the slightly more horrifying 'what would you do if h tried to kill you whilst you were holding the baby (err, stop it happening somehow & safeguarding self & baby?) or missed you and hit the baby (as above, couldn't give the real answer cos worried they'd think i condoned violence, which i don't).

OR what if you woke up in the middle of the night to find him looming over you with a knife (err, well, equally with any knife wielding maniac... i'd, well, what would you do? where did the night attacking and weapons come from?)!!! and when i explained i couldn't change the locks yet, but did deadbolt the door when on my own, i was asked what would happen if my H came in in the dead of night (how i don't know, maybe break through the door as it would be dead bolted?) and went past me into the bedroom and hurt my ds

Mind boggles as to what the point was of asking the later questions, or what i was supposed to answer, especially as it was about him having hit me (when ds wasn't in the house)... not that he had 'form' for breaking down very sturdy thick doors and running around trying to hurt my son - he's a unpleasant man but the questioning felt like some cruel ethics test...

remember this was an initial assessment too - i felt so shaken up after and they asked everything and watched me cry and collapse WHILST my baby was there. no idea what they wanted out of that line of questioning... shock, horror and trying to take their questions seriously i guess. felt like she was actively trying to make me break down, though how that helped them decide whether DS was at risk i don't know

[Lueji]

If your mum ran to her parents every time she had an argument with your dad (or rather frequently), she was still is, apparently a drama queen.
And you consider that normal, which can be understandable, but I'm glad you are evaluating that response.

Do you know what your OH thinks of that?


I know it's a side issue in this thread, but I'd think a mature couple in a healthy relationship should be able to cope with disagreements without taking off all the time.

If a partner in a couple feels the need to take off to have a good night's sleep, it sounds as it's because the other won't let them sleep because of the argument, and that is a red flag. You need to sort it out before it escalates and becomes the norm.

Sorry, but it all feels like a storm in a tea cup and frankly childish behaviour or that something is amiss.

[OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere]

Glad someone else spotted the Haringey/Farming thing.

There is a city farm on the Liverpool Road but not much call for firearms there (well not on the farm, on the road they might come in).

Yes Haringey and neigbouring boroughs have to be 'on their toes' but they are also totally swamped with serious safeguarding issues.

So a couple having a few cross words is hardly going to make the top of their pile.

It sounds as if your family's propensity for being drama llamas has got you into bother.

If there really isn't anything else to this story.

[cestlavielife]

agree there is lots of farm land around m25!

presumably SS will speak to your mum anyway.

thing is tho - you did - in the heat of the moment - "get up and drive two hours" - so why could/would he not do so ? if you happy to get up and drive two hours over a silly(??) argument then surely he could equally do so ?

( driving a three month old -well they aint gonna notice so it wasnt like taking a toddler out of bed... but still, for you it was the response you took...)

most times people do use a firearm/kill themselves or others etc - well mosstly people say it was a complete surprise and no one would have thought it of them bla bla bla. not doing it before isnt a reason to believe/trust absolutely they never will - - tho sometimes there are signs eg stress / job loss/ depression etc. maybe your mother sees signs that are not there? if so why?

but I guess you need some character witnesses saying you and dh are completely calm, rational people, etcetc and would never do off the cuff things ....

you could also explore more how your mum and dad were - "It's exactly what my mum did when I was a kid and she argued with my Dad" and why you following that pattern? were they volatile arguments?

[MardyArsedMidlander]

I don't understand- where were you when your mother phoned the police? Were you not aware of what she said?

FROM WHAT YOU HAVE SAID- I cannot see why this was scaled so highly on the Barnet scale by police and social services- neither of whom need to be looking for work.
This would only usually happen if you answered yes to a number of the police questions- or if there have been previous police call outs relating to DV.