mil thinks I don't like her

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Trouble is I am not sure she is wrong.

Dh had a two hour chat with her this morning where my relationship with her came up. She is apparently convinced I don't like her. Dh has not gone into details and so I am left wondering what I am doing wrong. Now I can't get to sleep and I have a big meeting tomorrow so that is a pain.

She is a v nice woman we have only her son in common but I try and be pleasant company when we are together. I am sure I am not what she wanted as a dil but she always nice to me as well. She is great with the kids and that is all I want from her.

I know she does not approve of my cleaning skills but I am not going to change, I do get incredibly stressed about state of house before a visit but there is nothing unusual in that. I think it easy to keep a house tidy and organised when you have no children at home and a cleaner. She thinks I am a slattern I am sure.

Should I get more details out of dh or forget I heard this and carry on as if nothing is wrong? I

I shouldn't worry too much, and I don't think you are doing anything wrong. As you say, she is a nice woman but you have nothing in common with her. You are pleasant to each other. That's probably the most anyone can expect. No reason why you should have to absolutely love someone just because they are related to OH. I don't like my SIL much, but I'm pleasant and polite. And I probably don't like her because I always feel she doesn't like me much - but she's always polite. It's not a problem.

I wouldn't worry about it either, unless she raises it with you directly, in which case you can ask her why she feels that way. Presumably you get on well enough when she visits -perhaps she was just hoping for a close friendship. It also might be that you are worried about things like tidiness when she comes round - the worry may be causing underlying tension that she picks up on.

My MILknows I don't really likened.

Ever since she asked dh why he couldn't find a nice girl from Belfast to marry after he went and got himself seduced by engaged to a lovely girl from Scotland.

Tbh I've stopped caring. She's nice to me/us (and dh is fiercely and unfailingly loyal to his Scottish family!!) because if she's not (and it happened once when she was vicious about me) then there's no me (hooray) or dh or, most importantly, her DGC!!

You have to be struct, and so does ypurdh. He has to be loyal to you first!!

I'd take what DH says on face value, but not that 'she thinks I don't like her' so much as 'she'd like a closer relationship with me'. If you treat her visits as some kind of Kim & Aggie 'How Clean Is Your House' inspection then you're probably not very relaxed in her presence. How about organising an afternoon at the shops for tea and cakes, a trip to the theatre or something where you can get to know each other better as women?

Can you explain about the house cleaning? You get stressed before a visit - do you mean you clean up and she thinks your house is a mess?

Would it be possible for you to have a cleaner if it stresses you so much?

Why has your MIL brought this up between you and DH? Talk about manipulative! It puts you and DH in a shit position - he feels caught between the two of you, and you are clearly worried about what she means by it all.

I cannot imagine what she thinks she can hope to gain from this. It's all a bit petty to be honest "she doesn't like me!". It's a bit childish to be honest.

I don't think it's petty or manipulative at all. The only problem with this is that it's all happening second and third hand. MIL's says something to DH who passes it on to OP. OP is talking to DH and passing it onto the internet. The two people who should be having an honest conversation are the only ones not saying anything to each other. Someone has to stop skating around the subject and take the plunge which is why I recommend the OP approaches it in a positive manner as 'MIL, we've never really got to know each other and I think we should fix that! Let's leave the menfolk at home and have a girlie night out/get roaring drunk/go see Barry Manilow at the Apollo/all three'

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them. I was v tired hung over last night and fretting a bit. Unable to call mil in early hours to discuss it all.

I have known mil for enough years to know a girls night out is not going to happen we would both hate it. When I say I get stressed when they visit - it is more that I picture the pristine home my pil inhabit, our more scruffy residence is never going to match up, and it does bother me. But we are different people I respect that and I am mostly comfortable with that.

As far as talking to mil about it ... Hmm I honestly don't know if it would help. I can make more effort to call, show an interest in her life (she is v busy and has interesting work). But really I am happy with status quo, regular lunches and trips out with children they look after children sometimes and they usually spend part of Xmas with us. I had no need for any deeper connection. If she wanted more from a dil I suppose that is a shame but pretending to be someone I am not won't help.

I have very different relationship with my mum as I am her eldest child of 3 and I have older half siblings from my father. Dh is only child so it is all v intense I find the pil level of involvement stifling at times but don't make it difficult for him at least I don't think I do!?

I do want her to know that I respect her and think she is a fab mil and like her we don't have to be bff's but I will definitely not take her for granted. I really think I am very lucky and I need to make sure she knows that in a subtle way natch!