I've lost a parent but gained an inheritance and a shit load of guilt.

[PrivateP]

Name changer here. Being eaten up with worry and need some advice.

I had a pretty miserable, unsettled childhood and made my own way in the world both emotionally and financially. One of my parents had a mental illness, which added to this. However, in later life my family grew closer and things really were looking up. Unfortunately this was short lived as one of my parents died suddenly. Having to support my surviving parent, who is the one with the mental illness, has been difficult at times. I have young kids of my own and a stressful job. I suppose I haven't really dealt with the loss.

Anyway, my parents were exceptionally frugle and latterly became wealthy due to some shrewd decisions and admittedly, trampling on a few people. As they didn't have a will, the estate is left between my surviving parent, myself and my sibling. My dilemma is that my sibling has taken it for granted that we'll hand over our inheritance to our surviving parent, despite the fact that they've got a fairly huge chunk and a house. Part of me wants to hand mine over too - but the other part can't help thinking that I could put away some cash for my DC's education and pay a chunk of my mortgage. On the one hand I'm fairly sure if they had had a will it would leave everything to the surviving spouse, on the other hand the parent I lost wouldn't grudge me or my DC the money. I haven't spoken to anyone about this and it's making me ill with worry.

What would you do?

I could be totally wrong, but what struck me was the feeling that your sibling will pressure you into handing over the money and then pursuade your parent to write a will with them as the sole benefitary...

Never pass inheritance up the survival chain, purely for inheritance tax purposes, you risk paying twice.

Support your surviving parent in their old age by all means, if you want to, but also remember to provide for your future.

OP why do you feel so pressured by your sibling´s choice? Why do you think that his/her decision is the right one? You are only going to receive what is considered right and fair in the eyes of the law, no more. What your sibling chooses to do with their inheritance is their choice and nothing to do with you. I would be very suspicious of someone who tried to bend me to their will on this subject.

Your surviving parent is very well taken care of. S/he does not have any financial worries. An excess of assets however will easily be sucked up by inheritance taxes or care homes at a later date. Financially astute parents would not like that.

You now need to think about yourself and your own family so your own financial wellbeing should be your priority. Use your inheritance to gain security for your own family, put it towards the mortgage or school fees. This will have a huge impact on your financial situation and is in all likelihood is something both of your parents should be delighted to have facilitated.

If your surviving lives a long time, all the inheritance may get eaten up in care for them etc, plus the tax issues.

If/when your sibling mentions it just say," Unfortunately we could really do with this money now."

JUst keep the money

It is your money by right

Never mind "not liking confrontation"

Stand up for your family's future !

so sorry for you loss

you will need to take financial and legal advice about "gifting" a large sum of money

not as simple as you would think

Gosh, when I die (if I didn't have a will), I would be devastated to think that one of my children kept the money rather than gave it to my DP (their father). I would feel it was my DP's money, and it would be up to him to use it wisely, as he had scrimped and saved with me to get the money. (I would assume that he would then provide for the children.) Surely paying school fees is a luxury, and a nice optional extra, not a necessity.

And I can't believe that another poster thinks the other sibling would be trying to pressure the surviving parent to leave all the money to them. Surely the other sibling just don't care about the money.

I am obviously the only one who thinks like that, though!

I'm not sure why sibling thinks your surviving parent wants it.
Also surviving parent could meet someone else, then money could be passed to another family entirely.
Just make the most of it whilst you have the chance though there might be some bad feeling afterwards. But then you could give the money back and there still be some bad feeling over something or other.

Not sure why you have to have 'a conversation' at all ?
You receive some money. You decide what you want to do about it.
If your sibling chooses to do something with his money, that makes no financial sense whatsoever, and tells you about it, then I guess you could ask why he might - in terms of inheritance tax and in terms of it sounding like the surviving parent doesn't need the money - but there is no onus on you to explain what you choose to do with your money unless you choose to.

When my granny died, she divided her house between her six children.
One of my aunts still lived in the house and wanted to stay in it. She did actually expect that my mother and her other siblings would hand over their share.
My Mum and two other sisters decided that if my aunt wanted the house she would have to buy them out. They had mortgages and children and wanted to put the money away for university for us, etc. My two uncles decided to just hand their share over to my aunt ( uncles are better off financially than my aunts)
That was 20 years ago and they're all still speaking! If the money is yours then you do with it as you see fit.

I would say that if you reach the age of 60? 70? without making a will, then you have really lost the right to say what happens to your assets thereafter. It's not like making a will is such a massive burden, it's not rocket science, right?

Have to say I am a bit bitter about this, as it became apparent in a recent conversation that neither of my parents (now in their 70s) have ever had a will. I am actually really pissed off about that - not so much now I am old and capable, but if one or other of them had died when me and sibs were young - no financial provisions, no guardians... cheers for that.

Do what you want with the money. No will = no say. The surviving parent has two houses and the life insurance? Surely that should be enough to be going on with.

And sorry for your loss, I can understand that a difficult relationship is neither here nor there in the end.

My sibling has put no pressure on me at all they've simply presumed that this is what we'll do and I was so shocked I didn't say a word. I felt morally that she was right and guilty that I had been greedy enough to think it was mine.

As for school fees being a luxury - my kids go to a state school. I was more thinking about university and god only knows how expensive that'll be by the time they're older.

Thanks for all your advice - I really couldn't have made this decision on my own. I've decided to keep my inheritance on the condition that there's no ill will, pardon the pun, and my mother is free to deduct it from any future inheritance if she likes.

It's interesting that someone said 60s/70s...my parent was nowhere near that age, which has made this decision all the harder.

Does your mother actually want your inheritance? Your sister might be being really presumptuous. I also think you should mention the tax implications of what she's suggesting to her - she might end up giving so much to HMRC that it won't be worth it

I would suggest that both you and your sister put it into a long term investment (although you are of course both entitled to use it if you wish); with the agreement that if the remaining parent is down to just one house and hard up that you both chip in. If they already have MH issues then they may need long term care, in which case the money will go on that, plus the extra tax implications. It doesn't sound as if the other parent needs it at the moment so I would keep it between you.

Good decision OP you arent being at all greedy

Firstly theres all the tax implications

Secondly she doesnt need the money and you do

How about talking to your mum rather than your sister? Along the lines of "dad didn't make it clear what he wanted to do with the money, would you like it back or shall I keep it?". The problem you have is not knowing what your dad would have wanted and I'm guessing your mum would know this more than anyone else.

Hi - I think you have made the right decision.

I'm so sorry you lost a parent and that this decision has been making you so upset and worried.

One of the most cruel things about having dysfunctional, inadequate or toxic parents is that we feel disproportionate guilt connected to their ill health and death - I can only guess that's because we have negative or mixed feelings about them and this feels wrong and turns to shame and guilt. This has probably made this decision seem bigger and more problematic then it perhaps needs to be.

x

I would not not take the money. I would not like to think that my children would take money from my husband or partner that we had saved together.

In which case, Derceto, perhaps you'd make a will to ensure they didn't?

PrivateP - I agree with the majority - keep the money and use it now. Your mum doesn't need it (would be different if she did) and you won't end up paying inheritance tax on it later.

It's lovely that your sister doesn't need the money either - how lucky for her! - but maybe she hasn't thought/doesn't know about the inheritance tax thing either. Perhaps you could mention it to her? Stick to your own decision though. Do what's right for you and your children, so long as your mother is ok.

You need to think carefully about this, but I can see a number of reasons for not just handing back your share (and also your siblings share) to your surviving parent:

1. inheritance tax. Do some research and be careful. Perhaps even see a financial advisor. If its a substantial sum, you risk needlessly losing a great deal in tax if you're not careful.

2. your surviving parents mdntal health. You mentioned that you have had to be carer for this parent. Does this mean that your parent may be incapable of making good financial decisions (hard to know exactly what MH issues and how severe they are from your post, but if it was dementia, for example, perhaps it may be time to think about whether your parent can handle finances anyway? I wouldn't hand over huge sums of money if there is a question over this).

3. as already mentioned, if your surviving patent already has a lot of money and will be very comfortable without your share, it seems pointless to hand it back (especially if you could do with the money)

I think you should try to have a discussion on the first two items with your sibling, and look at it through factual eyes. It might help reduce and confrontation. To me, it doesn't really make financial sense to hand either share back to your parent.

Sorry for your loss.

Yes if I wanted my children to have money I would have made a will. In fact as I am very likely to die before my husband I have a will which leaves a small amount to my children but allows my husband to carry on living in our home and to maintain his lifestyle and have the security of savings .

What your sibling does with his/her share is their business. Similarly, what you choose to do with your share is your business. It doesn't sound like your surviving parent needs the money and it doesn't sound like your sibling does either, so is there any way of making them both understand that this money would make a HUGE difference to you right now, not at X date in the future? My parents agreed to give my sister a portion of her 'inheritance' early in order to buy a house, as she needed one in her 30s, not when she's 60 and has lived in poverty and crappy, rented property most of her life. I was a bit initially, but decisions should be based on the needs of the individual, not on assumptions about what usually happens or what someone else would do.

Is your sister executor of the will ? If not, then I don't see why it's something you'd even need to discuss with her.

Your surviving parent sounds well provided for, and your parents could have made wills themselves. When we made our wills, we were advised that it wasn't sensible to leave money to financially independent older relatives, because of the likelihood of paying more inheritance tax and because of care home cost considerations - it's usually more efficient to leave the money to their children / grandchildren.

Giving the money back to your mother might actually create a further tax burden, you'd need to check.

I think you should let the will be settled, then resist pressure from your sister.

Keep the money, even if there isn't universal agreement. If your family is dsyfunctional then giving the money to mum or doing the same as sis won't necessarily win their approval or love or respect, sorry if that is the plan. It also won't stop you feeling guilty, you'll probably just feel guilty about taking this opportunity from your dcs, particularly if things get harder in the future.

I'm really pleased that you have had some good fortune in this difficult time. From your first post it sounds like life hasn't always been a bed of roses but even if it had, it doesn't mean you have to give the money away just because that's what other people might think you should do. Best wishes.

It is very sad that your dad died so young. You say that he hadn't reached his 60s. If your mum is therefore in her 50s, it could quite well be that she does need the money. If she has a well paid job, then fair enough. But she might live until she's in her 80s.

You say they scrimped and saved to get the money, and like a lot of people assumed the surviving partner would get all the money when the husband/wife died. If she's got millions, that might be different, but lots of people have two houses, with one as a buy-to-let. It might still have a mortgage on it. Who are we to say she doesn't need the money, as much as you.

I am just so surprised that only Derceto and I feel it would be wrong to take the money.